Not to want to wear matching outfits?

Reading the numerous threads on GN about often heartrending problems with dils it would seem to be a very good time to establish adult respectful relationship boundaries. And that respect covers you choosing your own outfit for the wedding.

It's not a little girls party with the birthday girl telling her friends what to wear, it's a wedding and you are the mother of the groom. However you choose to convey that message to your future daughter in law, be as gracious as you can but be very clear and firm.

I have seen lots of threads about Bridezillas on Mumsnet trying to dictate colour codes and they never go down well.
As the mother of the groom I took into account what the bridesmaids were wearing and also the brides mother, so that we didn't clash on photos, but I wouldn't let anyone choose my outfit - I know which styles and colours suit me.

Don't send her a photo of your dress for her approval. Just wear what you like and what suits you. Reply to their request to say you have already bought your outfit. Full stop end of story.

What a bloody cheek she's got! You stick to what YOU want to wear. Never mind this young woman and her mother.

My son got married 3 years ago, and it was 'wear whatever you want' from my daughter in law. My other son is getting married next year and his partner has said the same. I asked if there was a colour she wanted me to wear (most brides have a colour theme), but thankfully again she has said for me to wear what I want. I will choose a colour that compliments the colour theme once I know what that is. My friend had a nightmare a couple of year's ago as her daughter designated silver as the colour for her to wear. Not a flattering colour for her, but she did it and looked very nice, but to wear the same outfit as the brides mother is something Ive never heard of. If you have a good relationship with your future daughter in law perhaps you could tell her how you feel, and that the dress shape doesnt compliment you?? x

Never heard of such a thing, the guests will be in uproar thinking it was a big mistake that you both turned up in the same outfit. Quickly message back to say very sorry but you've already bought your outfit and that in any event although 'chosen' outfit will look lovely on brides mum no way would it suit your colouring or figure.

What a bizarre requirement!!! Just Say No!!! lol

Just tell her you’ve already bought an outfit and can’t return it (can say it’s been altered to fit you perfectly) and that you’ll be wearing that. Say her mum will look lovely in that dress though and you’re looking forward to be big day.

I’d reply to say that whilst the dress will look fab on the brides mother, it’s not the right colour/tone or cut that would flatter yourself, and that luckily, as you were so excited about the wedding you’ve found something suitable. Don’t send a pic in case they decide to copy it! But you could let them know your colours got the day? Best of luck ?

I agree tell her you've already got it and can't exchange. I would also copy her mum in and say you would hate everyone to get the two of you mixed up because you are dressed the same! One of the ways of identifying people at weddings is by their outfits. e.g bride's mum is wearing the big green hat.

Beyond odd!

I'm with BlueBelle on this. Don't give her any further ammunition!

How very strange! Hopefully a Bridezilla moment and future DIL and her mama will 'allow' you to choose your own outfit!

I'm feeling rather outraged on your behalf.

I too have never heard of this before, ever, and like the other posts, I find it absolutely bizarre that a bride feels that she has the right to dictate what you wear. In my world, I have always chatted with the other Mums, just to make sure our colours don’t clash ... even went shopping together. It’s so important that you feel good on that day so apologise to keep things friendly ?, then just be honest, that style/colour will do you no favours etc but .... do your own thing. Strutting your stuff in front of ex husbands is always of utmost importance !!

These are your son's in-laws for better or worse, and maybe your grandchild's grandparents. Nice little note that says that you've already bought your dress. Smile. (And don't smirk in public!)

Apologies I thought it was MIL who told you what to wear. Don't upset your son's relationship with you. But same advice, just say you've got your dress.

My daughter suggested a dress she thought would be nice, and of course it was in the bridal party wedding colours. I liked the dress and we went together to look at it in shop. However, they didn’t have my size so I didn’t try it on. I liked the dress, no way would I have considered a dress I didn’t like, so I bought the matching jacket, which happened to be in the sale, and I ordered the dress online. My daughter only asked me to stick to the bridal party colours, she only suggested the dress because she thought it was in my type of style and I would like it. I did.
I think your future DiL is being somewhat controlling, but if you don’t want her to control her outfit, don’t let her. Tell her you’ve already got your dress. Hopefully you’ve stuck to bridal party colours, most brides prefer their top table guests to bear that in mind. My daughter’s MiL chose her own outfit, but she stuck to the colours. We were all happy to do so.

Tell her you aleady have something to wear. This obsession with weddings is getting out of hand people used to turn up and be happy, now there are all sorts of requirements omposed upon them. Resist.

Very controlling I would just say that you have already got your eye on something. You want to enjoy the day and part of this is feeling happy with your outfit.

Once again, Apricity is absolutely right. Respectful boundaries need to be established. If you give in on this one then it will be much harder to say no next time she asks you to do something totally unreasonable. And she will.

Altogether far too much “stage managing” of weddings these days it seems.
I remember when Dd was going to get married (fortunately that one did not go ahead) her fiancé wanted all the men to wear frock coats and matching cravats. DH absolutely refused, he would wear morning dress with a grey waistcoat and a TIE , not as he said “fancy dress”
He did agree that the tie could match but it was touch and go. My only thought has been to ensure I would not clash with any bridesmaids or the MOG but “matching” sounds like looking like a backing group like the Supremes!
MOB/MOG outfits are frequently non- returnable (as I found to my considerable cost) so a “white lie” now without too much explanation should suffice.
Stay firm - kind, but firm

God bless my wonderful daughter, who told everyone to wear exactly what they wanted as long as they came to the wedding and had fun!

I am a suspicious cow, so my conspiracy theory is this; they got a dress that makes you look awful and at the last minute her mother's dress will have an accident, if ever bought, and she'll wear something lovely and out-shine you.

But I read a lot of posts here about grans who are at outs with dil and can;'t see grandchildren so do keep it very sweet when you say you have the dress already, and as advised, don't send a photo.

Having been involved in 3 family weddings I have never been told what colour to wear. DiL showed me a pic of her mum's outfit after I asked and that was to avoid buying anything too similar!
At another, I asked about bridesmaid colours so that I wouldn't look like a spare one in the same colour!
I have never been aware of colour coding the wedding party!
Something you're happy in is the only criterion.
Bridezilla nonsense should not be encouraged as a sense of compromise and mutual respect needs to be established asap!

I have just remembered that when DD married her lovely man, her future MIL and I compared notes and found we had bought identical fascinator type hats from John Lewis!
Bless her, she took hers back as she said MOB took precedence and anyway I had bought mine first!
We are the best of friends.