To hope for help from husband?

You can teach an old dog new tricks. My OH didn't seem to know how to open the dishwasher door, and certainly didn't do any washing up, but since he retired and leaving mugs etc. around all the time he has been taught to at least put them in the machine!
However, he has always been good at putting his stuff in the laundry basket with empty pockets - just the rolled-up shirt sleeves to remember.
When he can master that, and clear up bread crumbs, he may be almost perfect!!!

When my husband was alive we had a division of duties - I did the housework, decorating, most of the cooking and shopping and worked full time as well. We shared looking after our two children (he worked shifts and got more holiday leave than me so he did have to look after them as I couldn't always have leave when they were on holidays). He did the DIY stuff, repairs and maintenance to the house and car - he would cook sometimes but that involved using almost every pan and dish in the house and he would also go shopping but never stuck to the list so we would have to go again for what we actually needed! I had to check his pockets every time before washing anything as he was a champion grubber in skips - the most baffling thing he arrived home with was a pocket full of headless rusty nails he had picked up from somewhere - they went straight in the recycling bin! Most of the time it worked well even though he told visitors not to stand still too long else they'd end up in the washing machine (can't abide clothes lying around the place). I have much the same battles now with my daughter and grandchildren who take after their Dad/Grandfather especially in regards to the things in pockets bit!

My husband, when we were first married, used to leave his shirts with all the buttons done up and the sleeves rolled up. Eventually I said I wouldn't wash them like that. He soon learned when he had no clean shirts for work.

I'm with Grandma70s. Tough love is the way forward? Just wash your own stuff? (I've heard of men who could strip down then rebuild an engine, but who claimed to be unable to operate a washing machine. Utterly ridiculous!)

My DH always did the washing up until we moved & inherited a dishwasher, that became my job, he was useless with instructions. Never could operate the washing machine but would empty it & hang washing out. He continued to wash anything which couldn't go in the dishwasher.

Cleaning the kitchen & bathroom was his job.

It's usually me who leaves tissues in pockets although I do check but occasionally one slips through. I washed my lighter one day, it still worked.

I did the cooking mostly & rest of housework. Gardening was shared.

I miss him although he could drive me up the wall at times, after 5 years I still miss him, now if it doesn't get done it's down to me . Still the upside is now I'm widowed I can do what I want when I want

I do all the washing and regard it as part of the job to check pockets before putting clothes into the machine.

We don't have a washing-up machine, but I sympathise there, as many of my colleagues at school insisted on putting things in at the front of the rack, so you had to lean in over greasy plates to reach a space at the back. I always felt that any sensible adult would start at the back and work forwards, but no.

I have taught myself not to insist that things are done my way if I want DH to help and asked him not to insist they are necessarily done his way when he asks for help. If one of us does not know how to do something, we ask the other. It saves a lot of stress.

Thanks Kathsue; I think you're absolutely right
By-pass the ctrl-enter route and go straight to "post"

. I emailed GransnetHQ overnight (OZ time of course) for help. Told them I was mortified to think my stupidity would be out there in cyber-space for generations to rubbish. and how did I manage to do that.?
They've removed excess postings "at my request" as you can see, but didn't say how not to do it again
So it's fingers crossed.

BTW HumptyDumpty; Thanks for your advice, but my fingers don't get the shakes even at this time (getting on for midnight) being a night owl and you wouldn't blame it on a couple of reds would you?

No! I've learned from years of computer wrestling to always blame it for any difficulties.
Shops and businesses are doing that all the time, especially on Monday mornings for some reason.

how about separating the washing as a matter of course so that all his thing are in together - and only do each load once - and any mess or damage only affects him?
Similarly, let off the dishwasher when you want to but don't put anything in that he has supposedly dealt with, leave it where it is.
Really depends how long you can bear to live with the results, but I'd put the energy into helping yourself do this (buy a private stash of paper plates? practice not commenting on the state of his tissuey clothes or whatever?)

wish he did leave tissues in his pockets..... far more hygienic than the awful snotty handkerchieves he insists upon using... and then leaving for me to process.
For a professional man, his university training must also have issued copious hints on how to play the idiot. It just takes too long to explain time and time again what needs to be done

I think we are married to the same man or clones at the very least!
I haven't found a cure I'm sorry to say.

I lost my DH six weeks ago and I do wish he was still here for me to complain about!

Apologies to those who are widowed.

Just now feeling a tad resentful as I have been out since 8.30am doing my voluntary job, and come home to make a fairly labour intensive meal from scratch. I did the hand washing eg mixer, and loaded what I could into the dishwasher before I served up. He did not come out to the kitchen like he normally does to help dish up and take his plate so now we have finished, I have left him to do all the clearing up of the kitchen, and tonight there is a lot! Just making a point.
I would mind less if I got a thank you for my home made meal, and if he was not watching his favourite programme whilst I slave away.

We seem to have most things sorted after years of suggesting the best way. Whoever is free fills the dishwasher or does the washing after checking the pockets. He isn’t perfect but neither am I.
The thing I love most about Gransnet is knowing that we all live with imperfection and muddle through, it’s reassuring to find we’re all human. The other thing is all those lovely Gransnetters who have lost the love of their life and pull us up short to be grateful that we still have ours. It helps me a lot to be reminded and find that I do stop and think before moaning much more since I joined.

I was wondering if I could make a gentle request to all unlucky widows out there not to make themselves into a guilt trip for those of us who've been luckier but want to have a moan nonetheless. I don't think your pain will ever completely go away and that is so sad but life does go on for others and maybe we should be silently wishful without uttering the facts and publicly re-licking constantly painful wounds.

Crossed post kim19. Different opinions, the strength of Gransnet

Touché Peardrop50.

Oh no Kim surely we are not to keep quiet. We should all be able to talk freely from our experience whether widowed, divorced, married or single. Everyone has something to contribute.

Well my hubby doesnt check hes pockets either and i have found money at the end of the wash,so he loss and my gain,lol

Thankyou Peardrop, my feelings exactly. My DH does his best and I do mine and neither of us is perfect.

Widgeon I must disagree! DH never uses tissues (if any get into the machine they are always mine and a complete pain in the neck! ) His handkerchiefs on the other hand just go in the hot wash as they are and get dried and ironed easily -no trouble by comparison.

Good luck with that one! We have been married nearly 49 years and I still have to do it all.

My DH has done his own washing for many years, and DS 1 & 2 started quite young.

If you're fed up of checking pockets, I'd give them to him to check just before I put them in the machine. Or simply say you're fed up of checking, so can he do his own washing from now on!

A neighbour of mine years ago was going into hospital and thought it necessary to fill the freezer for her DH as he couldn't cook. I was appalled as she was quite unwell and that she never let him into the kitchen.
Seems we have moved on since then but maybe some of us are still guilty.
This applies to DC as well.

My dh despairs of teaching me to check his pockets before washing. He says he always does and it's part of checking the wash load before loading.

33 years of bits of tissues all over his dark socks and rugby shirts.

Poor chap.

I remember reading on another forum about a woman who dealt successfully with that issue. Every time she found a mug or plate he'd left "for the washing up fairies" or a towel on the bathroom floor for the "picking up towels fairy", she'd make him say "I left it there because you, I have no respect for you." And it worked, it turned out he would rather grow up and take responsibility for his own mess than be made to verbally abuse his wife!