Hurt and feeling unappreciated

Don't stop giving. It is who you are .I have two sons and a daughter . Sons are like this. They don't think it is important. That's just life. BUT they do care and I have come to realise this. One daughter in law is so thoughtful and never forgets anything, never forgets to appreciate all I do for her children and does nice little things for me . My son relies on her. Try not to get hurt. I am sure they care but are just thoughtless. For me, a text from my eldest son is magic. At least he hasn't forgotten completely or I might get a card from him when I see him next . He is divorced so his wife is out of the picture but when they were together she was very thoughtful. Sons are very different from daughters .

This year on Mothering Sunday I got an epicture of flowers from my daughter. To be fair, we don't exchange cards as adults, children yes, and she is currently under a great deal of stress with her son, my gs, with regard changing schools.
I know she cares and appreciates everything I do for her and this is shown in hundreds of different ways throughout the year.
As already stated, its just one day, overcommercialied and whilst its nice to be recognized, I prefer all year round appreciation.

Whilst I don't think there is any harm in telling somebody that you feel unappreciated, I think it is rather sad that you feel that your son's appreciation is measured on one day of the year, especially when he is probably learning how to balance being a father and a husband. He probably has enough on his plate and if you have been happy to accept a text all the other years, he probably feels he's done brilliantly to find the time to text you even though he now has to concentrate on that very special first Mothers Day for his wife.
You will always be his Mum and I would have thought that doing all you are doing is pretty much what good mothers do. The fact that your DIL feels she can rely on you speaks volumes about how you are perceived. That is the measure of their respect. DIL's who have husbands who don't appreciate their mothers are usually more than happy to exclude their MIL's.
Instead of feeling negative about your relationship, look at the positives which now include the chance to be a wonderful Grandma to the most precious being in their lives.

I agree with the comments of both Bluebelle & Lilihu. I find all the commercialisation now of what was once known as Mothering Sunday, and celebrated very simply by little cards and gifts the children made at school/Sunday school, just too much. All the hype and expectation it causes in some people who may feel neglected or forgotten is brought to the fore by constant advertising. It's just another day, for me it's the unexpected little things my AC do at other times of the year and not just because the card manufacturers and florists and restaurants say spend..spend..spend.

It's awful feeling unappreciated. But I do think boys/men are much more thoughtless about marking special days. Us ladies set much more store by them. I think your DIL could perhaps have prompted him to maybe send you some flowers as you've been so supportive. But maybe she's just wrapped up in being a new mother. It can be all consuming. And it's possible that her own family have never made much of mother's day. Maybe you could drop a hint to your daughter that you are a little hurt and perhaps she could tactfully mention it to your son.

When my son had his first child I remember recognising that there was 'another mum' in his life! I soon realised that it didn't change his feelings for me at all......he's a kind and loving chap.....but he might 'forget' to get a card in time etc! I certainly didn't expect my DiL to treat me as 'mum'.....she has her own mother. But nowadays I'll text a 'happy mothers day' msg to her and she pings one back to me. It keeps things light.

Dear Emm I'm probably going to be one of very few who thinks, commercialism or not, it's a day when children can make their mum feel special. Nothing wrong with that.

As you say, your son has always tended to be rather thoughtless and has got away with it!

Two stories. My BFF also happens to be my hairdresser & I was in the salon a few days after Mother's Day (UK). In strolls her son with the belated Mother's Day card, he lived close to the salon.

She'd already said to me "hmmmm no card from DS" & was feeling sad.
As he handed card over, I turned round & said "no point now, Mother's Day was 4 days ago .... Mothering Sunday".
He didn't flicker an eye lid & just confirmed that he was one spoilt self centred man!

With my own son, many years ago when he was about 16-17 still at school but with an amazing well paid Saturday/evening job, Christmas came along and not one single pressie had he bought for me, his dad, his twin sister, his grandparents etc.

Didn't say a word to him about it but on Boxing Day my exact words were:

"Why do you think you're exempt from showing love and gratitude to your family. It comes around only once a year so there's plenty of time to save a little in time to buy a small gift for those you love".

Well, it never happened again and he does in fact spend way too much on us all and actually is great at choosing exactly what you want, be it cheap or expensive.

He just needed telling!!!

My mother was with us until she was 96 and I can honestly say Mother's Day was aimed at her right to the end. Then it was my turn! So to those who give your son an excuse because he has a new baby, I say "so what". You can have dozens of babies but you only ever have ONE MOTHER!

I'm sorry you're feeling sad and upset ..... But I would be too!
Here's some ? and a virtual hug ?

I am waiting on Boss Day or Secretary Day or Aunty Day or Cousin Day or how about Best Friend Day or even Neighbour Day - you could go on and on- money making - saying all that however my son goes bring me card & flowers and brings the grandchildren too?

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter always gives me a beautiful card and gift on mothers day, always has done. We also have two sons age 34 and 35 who NEVER buy me a gift. I got a card once from elder son when he had a GF, but she bought it for him. Its a son thing. They just dont think about it. My husband admits that he never, ever bought anything for his mum, or even aknowledged mothers day! She is dead now and he really regrets it. I try not to feel hurt about it all, but it is difficult and I too feel a bit unappreciated.

Emm14, please don't worry about this. My DS & family live overseas and I rarely receive a Mothers Day token of any kind, on either "our" Mothers Day, or theirs. But I know that I am an important person in their lives and that they love me. This is what matters. Please take note of the good advice GNs give here, and don't let this "worry" eat away at you. Simply enjoy your family as much as you can.

The male of the species are notoriously bad at remembering cards, actually going in the shop, buying and posting them. With son no:2, when he was young I used to buy him a box of multi purpose cards every Xmas in his stocking, for him to use through out the year to cover every occasion ! and it was just a standing joke to all the family. He is 42 now and he actually buys me the most amazing cards and the lovely words he writes make me cry .... but we all still pull his leg over this ... using humour often diffuses many situations.

Dd2 sent beautiful flowers for Mothering Sunday. Dd1 phoned last week and said have I forgotten Mother's Day as her children had made a fuss of her that day in her country. Different days in Switzerland and uk. Once her sister used to send flowers from both of them but now doesn't. I have decided best not to care for my own good. I used to buy a card for my DH to sign and post but looking back I was a bit passive aggressive as she was a difficult woman . She extolled tortured flower arrangements which I don't like so I always chose pics of Dutch still life profusion of blooms. I'm not very nice.

“Commercialised”

Ouch! Bit harsh quizqueen.

Mother’s Day! Used to be Mothering Sunday. Now an over hyped, over priced, commercialed guilt trip.
I thoroughly support the idea of youngsters living at home doing something nice for mum. Making a card, helping with breakfast or lunch. It can be fun for everyone and helps children learn appreciation of what their mum does for them.
As for adult children with their own lives, jobs, friends, families. It’s a waste of money buying over priced flowers, random useless gifts etc. On a day that the retail business say you should!
Isn’t it more normal to just get a smile of appreciation, a random message, an unexpected bunch of daffs on any day? Don’t we already know if we’re loved and appreciated? Do we really need a card on a commercialised day to acknowledge this? Does a card on a specific designated day mean we are loved or not loved?
Too many people look for ways to feel slighted. That’s my opinion.

My wonderful son, who is a bit of a joker, ha never sent me anything for mother's day and when I mentioned this he just said 'every day for me is mother's day!' Now he has older children of his own I do get flowers from my DIL

Understandable to feel hurt IMO, especially when you've been so supportive, but at least he texted. From all I've ever heard, sons tend to be more remiss than daughters with such things. My son in law is extremely good in so many ways, but I'm pretty sure dd usually has to remind him of such things for his own mother.

In case it makes you feel a bit better, a former colleague of mine usually had nothing from either her son or her daughter - both of them fairly useless and always a worry to her, to be frank.
One particular year both of them pretended they'd sent a card, which 'must have got lost in the post.' I think the pretty obvious lies bothered her rather more than the not bothering.

Yes, that's happened to me too, and you DO feel hurt & miffed & "don't they love me?" But of course what counts isn't a card but how do they treat you the rest of year? Do you have a good relationship, see them frequently, would they help you out? I've had to agree my (forgetful) son & partner DO tick all boxes there. So the important thing (for all of us including grandkids) is to keep things sweet, friendly, happy - how crazy would it be to not be speaking over a card? Grit your teeth & forget it xx

Continue to give support for your grandchild but relegate your son and DinL to just texts now on any of their special occasions and see how they like it. People should reap what they sow. Too much advice on here to just suck it up and be walked over.

Febmum you ve taken my posting wrong I don’t think anyone should have to entertain family when they bring a new baby home I think they should be allowed to settle in as a little family before others start bombing in
Don’t know why your mum in law had two weeks in hospital I had 48 hours and I m old
NHS can advise breastfeeding but that’s your choice all the other things you mention are/were done whatever era you come from
The rest I agree with a big fuss about nothing I don’t even stop to feel hurt at the lack of a commercial card which doesn’t equate to being loved

Regarding being made of tougher stuff- My MIL tells me all the time she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks and in her day women weren't allowed back to work after children! Whereas now a days we are let out of hospital the same day and then expected to host everyone who wants to see the baby at our houses and if we don't invite the whole family we are a 'princess'! Its hard for new mums as well as I know you said you went back at work at 6 weeks but now NHS says we need to breastfeed for at least 6 months and I'm not sure if you remember from your experiences but babies eat every half hour-hour in the day and as well as this you have to do all the usuals like clean the house, wash clothes and all the blooming cloth nappies, make meals, and send your mother in law a mother's Day cards as she buys you stuff from the duty free! How did this post about a forgetful son turn into discussion about the poor DIL! Also you still haven't responded if you sent her a card or text as it was her first mother's Day? Maybe she feels unappreciated! I know I will feel sad if my son doesn't get me a card but I hope I never blame his wife as it's not her fault!

I have many friends who expect a card on mother’s day from their grandchildren-it’s absurd.
If that’s how it goes, all female relatives should get one then.

Old meg a lot has changed since your day....
Although my daughter had to go back to work after 2 months since she was self employed, so nothing princessy about the women of today either. I think to tar all young mothers with the same brush is unfair.

To the OP, I don’t know why you expect so much from this young family. Surely you do everything you have done because you can and because you want to, out of love, NOT because you are waiting for gifts in return.

Your son acknowledged mother’s day, he sent you a text. DIL isn’t your daughter, I’m sure she says thank you when you do nice things for them. It’s all very petty to get your knickers in a twist about a silly commercialised holiday and not receiving a card. Go ahead and stop giving support and doing nice things, then when they are confused and ask you further down the line what has gone wrong, you can tell them it’s all because you didn’t get a Mother’s Day card or gift and then we’ll see what happens.....

You list the things you spend your money on Emm don’t we all do that without any expectations of having it returned
I think you are thinking of your son in the same way you think of a friend ...I take you out to dinner so next time we go out you treat me, but honest children even adult ones don’t always think like that, they ve probably had eighteen years of being look after and looked out for it, doesn’t suddenly change because they ‘grow up’ especially if you still keep handing out BUT. what does happen it’s now it’s your choice how much to give adult children and grandchildren
All the things you list are just a pleasure for you to be able to give apart from the last two which I would only consider if they were really struggling I only have a pension coming in but I don’t get that much pleasure spending on myself (apart from my garden) but I get HUGE pleasure giving to my kids and grandkids expecting absolutely nothing back once you start listing it and feeling disappointed that nothings returned best you stop before resentment builds up
OldMeg I tend to agree with you it s all very princessy now isn’t it gone are the days we give birth in the bathroom then go and cook dinner for six ???

Haha - I’m hearing you OldMeg! We were made of tougher stuff ?

Good for you Emm ??

While we’re on the subject of new babies, I’m sick and tired of excuses being made because there’s a new baby in the house. What a load of balony it is that this new arrival is totally able to disrupt everything and everybody. FFS I had to go back to work when my first baby was only 6 weeks old, that was the norm in those days AND my DH didn’t have paternity leave.

Get a grip you young mothers!