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(127 Posts)
Vanatic Sat 02-Jun-18 15:40:53

Just had the longest meeting yet with my potential future son in law. They've been together about 18 months.
He seemed to think it ok to swear as if he was with his mates. He apologised beforehand as he was just recounting his mates words but I can't help but thinking that someone in their twenties shouldn't be be talking like that to someone in their sixties!
I don't think I have ever uttered those words to my kids, let alone them to me.
Dread to think what his parents would think if my daughter did the same

phoenix Sat 02-Jun-18 20:00:09

When relating what his "mates" had said, did he actually use the words, or say (for example) "Then Brain dead Brian said "Eff off mate"

I may have not have quite made my point, but hopefully you will have got the gist!

SpanielNanny Sat 02-Jun-18 20:14:39

I really do think you’re thinking far too much about this. He was repeating a story, and apologised in advance. Just let it go. He has made the effort to come and visit, presumably to get to know you better. Be thankful that he wants to be a part of your daughters family life.

I absolutely wouldn’t say a word to your daughter about it. It will possibly come across that you don’t like him. This could make things in the future very awkward.

If he’s otherwise a decent lad, then I really don’t see the big deal about a couple of swear words.

maryeliza54 you have made me laugh out loud!

LynneB59 Sat 02-Jun-18 20:16:03

jenpax.... keep your wig on! I was merely trying to say that people who swear aren't Chavvy types who won't work. It had nothing to do with being unemployed or getting the sack actually. I expect I worded it poorly.

pensionpat Sat 02-Jun-18 20:26:35

On my sons wedding day, formal, stately home venue, 100 guests, including children, I was introduced to the good friend who was giving away the bride. During a very brief chat he used the f word a few times. I'm quite laid back about swearing but mentally raised my eyebrows because of the occasion. During the speeches, he used the f word at least 10 times. I was shocked to the core because of very young and very old guests. I made a supreme effort not to show my shock, and I didn't mention it. But when I saw the DVDs at a later time, my body language showed clearly how uncomfortable I was. I still cannot believe that anyone thought this was ok.

maryeliza54 Sat 02-Jun-18 20:57:07

That is a truly awful tale pp I think I’d have been sobbing

SpanielNanny Sat 02-Jun-18 21:34:06

What a terrible story pensionpat. Like you I don’t have a particular issue with swearing, but that is beyond disrespectful.
My son acted as best man at a wedding several years ago, he had me & my dil both vet his speech before the day. He has far too much sense to swear, but his sense of humour can be a little close to the bone. He wanted to be absolutely sure he didn’t offend anybodies Great Aunt! I honestly can’t believe the friend thought that was in any way appropriate.

pensionpat Sat 02-Jun-18 21:45:20

Ive never told anyone about it before. I'm so ashamed that neither my son nor his wife seemed bothered about it.

OldMeg Sat 02-Jun-18 21:47:38

I’m with Baggs and Judy Dench on this one.

petra Sat 02-Jun-18 22:06:12

Oh no, how awful!!
It was my daughters wedding last Saturday. As some of you know we are a Southend family and I'm well aware what 'some' think of Essex, let alone Southend grin
At my daughters wedding there were many what one might call minor celebrities, and I know how these people can party, but not once did i or anyone hear anyone offend anyone with their language.
But I had several expletives when we couldn't get a taxi home😡

Vanatic Sun 03-Jun-18 02:42:04

Thanks for the mixed responses! Probably being too judgemental but somebody was probably right when they said I didn't like him from the beginning

stella1949 Sun 03-Jun-18 03:11:43

Keep in mind that he is possibly going to be your sil, father of your grandchildren. If you already dislike him, and dislike his language, that puts you at odds with your daughter . Don't be surprised if, in a few years time, you are writing to GN asking why your DD and SIL don't come around or invite you to visit.

You might think that your dislike is hidden, but it always shows through. Learn to live with it - and him - if you want to keep good relations with your daughter. Swearing is very acceptable amongst the younger generation and they see nothing wrong with it.

kittylester Sun 03-Jun-18 07:20:00

I'm with Dame Judi and Dame Baggs.

Baggs Sun 03-Jun-18 07:38:47

the good friend who was giving away the bride

She presumably knew he was a swearer and still chose him for the job.

What I don't understand (figure of speech; see below) is why some people think every use of a word like 'fuck' is swearing. It isn't. Sometimes it's emphasis. Sometimes it's just a lazy choice of adjective. And so on.

But perhaps I do really understand why some people think every use of certain words is swearing: laziness on their part too. They are not really thinking about meaning, only particular groups of letters that someone once told them are bad.

Meaning and usage matter. If someone is just using a word or words lazily, it's not swearing. If someone is using a word or words to be abusive (in order to be shocking doesn't count as abusive), it is swearing.

Think about it.

sodapop Sun 03-Jun-18 07:41:12

We have just had a short holiday in La Rochelle. We were sitting on a terrace overlooking the marina having a peaceful drink when along came a group of British men. They sat nearby and proceeded to shout and laugh constantly using the F word. I found this offensive and embarrassing.

Baggs Sun 03-Jun-18 07:41:53

And if Dame Judi told someone to fuck off with his ageist ideas, I'm sure it was the perfect response. Some people just don't 'get' what you're saying unless you put it powerfully enough. So-called swear words can be useful power words.

pollyperkins Sun 03-Jun-18 08:26:58

Baggs- but that's just it - I do think of the literal meaning of the word and that's what's so offensive. When someone says shit ot crap I think immediately of the biologocal meaning. I don't like the f word for the same reason (can't bring myself to type it) - its a particularly ugly word for the sex act - makes me think of violence or rape rather than 'making love'. Why we have to use these ugly and unpleasant words I dont understand. There are many other words we can use for emphasis.

merlotgran Sun 03-Jun-18 08:41:31

I may have posted this before but when DH was a farm manager the tractor drivers all swore like.....fenland tractor drivers.

I was more than used to the odd F word but one morning I answered the door to a very irate man who waved a piece of machinery in my face.

'Tell him I can't use this f***er coz the f***ing f***er's f***ed!' grin

harrigran Sun 03-Jun-18 09:08:49

I think it shows a lack of respect for others and I tend to walk away or turn my back on people using this kind of language. I know your SIL was just retelling a story but why did he feel the need to tell you ? He could have saved it for another mate.

pollyperkins Sun 03-Jun-18 09:25:46

I would have recount3d it usi g other words eg blooming and then said -but he didn't say blooming if you get my meaning - and left it to the inagination!

icanhandthemback Sun 03-Jun-18 10:02:03

The young don't usually have the same views about swearing as the older generation so if he apologised about the language, I would say that shows an increased awareness about how you might be sensitive and is a positive point. You could have said, "How about repeating the conversation without the swear words," but I suspect the swear words were necessary for context. Instead of looking for negative points about your future, try to see what your daughter sees. Negativity breeds negativity, positivity might help your relationship with him.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 03-Jun-18 10:02:13

He could have said 'effing' and you'd still have got the gist of it. When I was a child swearing was very much not done but these days the words that we would once have considered offensive are used just like any other word.
It's a shame, but life seems to be so much coarser than it used to be. I don't think I've ever heard any of my nephews use bad language.

lollee Sun 03-Jun-18 10:04:28

Agree with you KatyK. But it's like everything else in life, if you've come from a swearing family you probably see it as harmless. If you can choose not to do it around kids, then why choose to do it at all?
As to the OP, I think he was testing the water. If there is a next time smile sweetly and say something humorous about it being a non swearing house. Don't show your dislike of him as it is guaranteed to push them closer.

greeneyes Sun 03-Jun-18 10:09:29

Hate swearing, I find it offensive full stop!

Happyscotlass Sun 03-Jun-18 10:12:32

Swearing unfortunately is a part of everyday life now. I worked with teenagers for many years and trying to get them to understand that swearing is not really socially acceptable, when they hear parents, friends and on tv and flim use the F word was a difficult job. It's the ability to know your audience i.e not your future MIL!!!!! But ok with your mates!!!

Skweek1 Sun 03-Jun-18 10:14:57

My MIL is a real "lady" and when I moved in with my daughters, then 7 and 5, the elder wanted to help my BF service his car. MIL said that she didn't think it was a very good idea as she might hear some bad words, like "bother" and "dash it all" - maybe even a "damn". DD, impeccably brought up, looked at her somewhat pityingly and said, "Oh, you mean"Oh sh**!" -been a family joke ever since, but don't know where she got hold of that one, not ever used by me, her father or, for that matter, then DBF - all I can imagine, at school?