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To be annoyed at my daughter

(97 Posts)
ellieBrum Fri 22-Jun-18 11:04:03

I love my family so much, and am blessed with 2 beautiful DGDs, but there is one thing I need to rant about...

My DD spoils the girls so much. Everything they want they get! They are 9 and 12, but already have phones worth about £500 each! Why an 8 year old would need such an item I don't know. My DD rarely says no to their requests.

Don't get me wrong, I love treating them myself but I just think this is too much.

AIBU to be annoyed at my daughter for this?? I can't help but worry that the girls won't learn the value of money.

ellieBrum Fri 22-Jun-18 11:05:58

Oops - *9 year old
Touch screen is not for me it seems!

sodapop Fri 22-Jun-18 11:27:13

That does seem over the top ellieBrum but I think its one of those issues where you have to bite your tongue. When the children are with you maybe you could talk to them about how fortunate they are and discuss the fact that other children's parents are not able to buy expensive items for them even though they would like to do so.

Doodle Fri 22-Jun-18 11:27:16

You had a chance to be mum to your child it is now her time to be mum and decide what she wants to do. Maybe she feels it's important for her girls to have phones so they can contact her if they need to. Times are different now.

Jane10 Fri 22-Jun-18 11:27:36

It's sad. I can't give my DGSs 'treats' because nothing is a treat to them as they routinely have them. All I can give is time and attention which is a treat for me!

paddyann Fri 22-Jun-18 12:05:56

its different times ,if all their friends have phones she wont want them to be left out or even bullied because they dont have one.
I hate clothes with names all over them.When my D started high school she wore black school shoes,"everyone else" had expensive trainers.I held out for ages ..months but had to cave in in the end as she was mercilessy teased and then bullied becasue she had "cheap" clarks shoes.
Life isn't as simple as it once was,I'm sure their mother understands that and acts accordingly.

Farmor15 Fri 22-Jun-18 12:19:31

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable ellieBrun to feel that your daughter is not helping her children by giving them everything they want. Unfortunately you can’t say anything to her as it will probably cause a row but it’s fine to use this forum for a rant ?.

As Jane10 suggests, giving them your attention and doing things with them is the best thing you can do.

Farmor15 Fri 22-Jun-18 12:21:48

Sorry ellieBrum (not Brun) I’m usually a bit pedantic about spelling but got that wrong. ?

kittylester Fri 22-Jun-18 12:24:36

I think it's too much too but it's not your place to say anything.

cornergran Fri 22-Jun-18 12:43:09

I agree, it is far too much but times are indeed different and it is your daughter's choice so best to say nothing about it, just admire the phones and let the children show you what they can do on them, try to be interested and yes, give them of your time. They will remember you being there and being interested in them long after they have forgotten the phones.

stella1949 Fri 22-Jun-18 12:49:24

My 9 and 12 grandchildren both have iPhones, like their friends. It's a new thing to us, but to them it's the norm. Nothing to get annoyed about.

Iam64 Fri 22-Jun-18 13:02:57

paddynan and Stella have it right. It's a different world out there than previous generations of parents experienced. Like paddynan, I stood out against expensive trainers but in the end decided it was better to do a deal with them, if they saved the cost of the one's I usually bought, I'd top up and they could have the trainers they really wanted. It worked on other expensive items of clothing as well.
My 2 and 3 year old grandchildren can play games on mobile phones (CBeebies, colouring pages etc). When the older one was given a screen after finishing his lunch when we were all out together, I felt uneasy. A year on, I realise used sensibly, screens can be educational and also an excellent distraction in a restaurant.
I wish there was less judging between generations. Life's too short really.

Witzend Fri 22-Jun-18 13:14:11

So thankful we didn't have the phone business when our dds were young. Dd1 started university in 1995, when only one girl on her hall of residence floor had one - they still call her Mary Mobile!
By the time dd2 went, 4 years later, everybody had one. It was a huge change in a very short time.

Phones aside, I don't think our dds ever realised how comparatively lucky they were until we took them on an African safari holiday at about 18 and 15. In so many places we were besieged by children asking for pens. At one point we went and bought a whole box of Bics to dish out.
I well remember dds marvelling at how happy the children were, just to get a pen. It was a very salutary lesson.

One dd ended up working in the aid sector, and has seen plenty of truly dire poverty at first hand, but that was their first realisation of how so many people in the world live.

Maggiemaybe Fri 22-Jun-18 13:20:10

Best to keep your own council. Even back in the day I remember queuing up with my DS, aged about 10, to buy some of the new Predator football boots he'd coveted. Yes, they cost a stupid amount, but I was furious when a woman behind me commented loudly enough for us to hear to her son that it was ridiculous paying so much and he must be spoilt. I had to point out to her that he'd used all his birthday money on them, but also that it was actually none of her business.

agnurse Fri 22-Jun-18 15:36:18

By definition, phones are expensive. Personally I wouldn't buy my 9-year-old a phone, but DSD did get a phone when she was 12.

How your daughter spends her money is not your business. Yes, it's possible that she's giving your DGDs too much. Yes, it's possible they will end up not appreciating the value of money. But that is your daughter's problem to sort out, not yours.

I agree with the PPs - stay out of it.

BlueBelle Fri 22-Jun-18 15:56:11

All my grandkids (seven from three families) had iPhones at 11 when they went up to senior school some of them saved up and added it to their mums money It is awful for a kid to be different unless they are ultra confident and like being different but for most being part of the group is necessary and being part of the group means having the same phone as the others
Yes it’s not how we did it but times have changed and as others have said no point in causing a rift about it keep your disapproval to yourself or on here

JenniferEccles Fri 22-Jun-18 16:52:08

I am also struggling to get my head around a 9 year old having a £500 phone! It seems madness to me, but my grandchild is much younger than that so I haven't got to that stage yet.

I guess everyone is right though when they advise you to not say anything. It's very possible our own parents and in-laws had similar thoughts about what we bought our children when they were young!

JustALaugh Fri 22-Jun-18 17:10:36

£500 for a mobile.... my husband has got one of those, but I don't think it's really something for a child.

My granddaughters are 7 and 3, and very spoilt in some ways. They get a lot of things, far more than my sons ever got (more disposable income these days?) and I think it's a shame that nothing is a treat, but that children expect to have days out/meals out/lots of clothes, toys, jewellery, etc. Our 2 are lovely girls, but they don't appreciate most things they've got.

jenpax Fri 22-Jun-18 17:21:40

It’s phones now when my DD were children it was other stuff.
It was very stressful for me I was on a low income with an ill husband and I couldn’t afford to “keep up” with the children’s cohort at school, who all had two parent families so my children were bullied when I couldn’t afford the latest named designer trainers/coat/ very expensive computer or TV for the bedrooms?

annep Fri 22-Jun-18 17:31:09

As long as they can afford it let them get on with it. And just buy what you feel is ok. Strange world we live in now.

HildaW Fri 22-Jun-18 17:58:23

You are entitled to be annoyed....but keep quiet unless you have the sort of relationship where you can make a non judgemental off the cuff comment. that wont cause a row.

GrannyMosh Sat 23-Jun-18 09:02:41

Not your place to say anything, though I do agree with you. But in later years, the children won't remember the things they owned. They WILL, however, remember how they felt, and the people who made them feel that way. I am in my sixties, and remember how I felt being the only girl in my class without a must-have item of clothing, and being made fun of for it. But I also remember feeling like the centre of the universe when loved ones gave me their time and total attention, and am in the blessed position of being able to do that for my grandchildren. Focus on the good will never regret it!

Grannyma Sat 23-Jun-18 09:22:28

I've just got one myself - under contract from a well known supermarket. I am paying £16 a month and after three years it will be mine. I am loving it!!

Yellowmellow Sat 23-Jun-18 09:26:07

I agree elliebrum. One of my son's and his wife buys his children presents you would expect to have for a birthday or Christmas. The children are too young for phones, but I can see that coming at some point. My other son is much more that the children have to save for things. He too has the money but feels that life isn't a free ride, so they need to realise the value of money and their things. These grandchildren are older and have phones etc. Times have changed, and sometimes i think it's to compensate for the parents working. I suppose we have all given our children
things according to our money situation, and nowadays everyone seems much more materialistic.
I think there's a nice balance. My older son seem to have that.

Minerva Sat 23-Jun-18 09:26:20

To me it is ridiculous unless mum and dad are going to be able to indulge their children right through life and they won’t need to discover the value of money. But quite simply they are not your children so you cannot comment (except on GN?). Our job is to cringe and hope for the best unless asked our opinion.