grand daughter buying a car

Yes, Maw. I have a feeling we've been here before but then I did when I read the OP.

Could be wrong of course.

Jealous and controlling comes to mind. Not all domestic abuse comes with a fist at the end of it. This man is definitely abusing you. I would certainly have a rethink about your relationship. Why would anyone who genuinely loved and cared for you want to put you through the hurt that it's obviously causing you. Anyone can lose their cool and in that moment ban your family from the house but to uphold that ban.............no I don't think so.

I'm trying to see this from a slightly different perspective.

In principle I agree with all those who say you should just invite your DD and GC round and tell your DH that he can stay in and be polite or go out for the day.

But is this advice really something you can do? My DH is not a controlling person, and neither am I, but if I said something like that to him, or he to me, it would lead to an almighty row, which certainly would not improve matters.

So I understand why you would not want to follow the advice given.

However, from the little you have told us, I certainly find it hard to know what is really going on, but as you are still living with your husband, I assume you love him and are between a rock and a hard place.

Has your GD paid back the entire loan that you cautioned for?

If she has, perhaps you could ask your husband whether this being the case he is prepared to invite them into YOUR ( I mean your and his) home again? Explain to him how much you dislike not being able to see your children and grandchildren at home and that the entire situation upsets you.

Surely three years is time enough for him to forgive you for using your own money without consulting him?

If he is still adamant that he will not have them in the house, you will either have to go on seeing your family in their homes, or give your husband an ultimatum , always assuming that you are willing to consider leaving him, that is.

MawBroon maybe her "dear" husband has "banned" her from this site...

Doe anybody else hear that sort of echoing silence you get when you’re talking to someone on the phone and they’ve hung up?
I hope I am wrong but I don’t think OP is listening any more.

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a horrible bully. Do you have to stay with him? Can you get support from family to leave?

There is a relative of my OH's whom I am never very pleased to see - I do not ban her from the house - it is his house too - but I do find an important appointment or some gardening to do!

There is something awry here that needs sorting budds8 - time to put a stop to this domination.

Ban them from your house ? And you are letting him do this ? Come on lady stand up to this jealous bully or is there something you're not telling us ? Don't mean to be harsh but this is ridiculous in this day and age.

Oh dear, buds8. Your post is rather alarming. Your DH has absolutely no right whatsoever to try to ban you from seeing your family in your home. Even if the home is owned by your DH (you don’t make this clear), the fact is your relationship with DH should be a partnership between you, not one partner dictating what can and cannot happen.
It sounds as if you still have some contact with your children and grandchildren - I really hope so. You must keep this contact and actually as someone up thread said, invite them for lunch soon. After all, the house you share with DH is your home too - you can’t let him ban your family from it. He comes across, from your description of events, as controlling. This is a form of abuse, and you must stand up to him. Be brave and good luck.

This sounds like you’re afraid to confront him. If he knows how unhappy this situation is making you, why is he persisting with this ban. Be aware he is not acting in your best interest, his behaviour is both controlling and districtove. You can put an end to this if you really want to, only you have the power to take control. I hope you find the strength and courage you need.

Key questions OP are:-
Did you keep the agreement a secret from him?
If so, why?
Who owns your home?
Has he always been antagonistic towards your family?
Are you afraid of him?
Do you still see your family outside the home?
If so how does he deal with that?
If you let us know all the facts we will be in a better position to give you advice.
We are here to support you, please don't be afraid.

Just quickly read this and some, not all, the responses.

First thought is he wants to isolate you. I could be so wrong but seems like he wants You to do just what He wants with who you see in you home, how you spend, yet he gets to do/see/not see just who/what he wants.

My Q is did you really have to tell him about your agreement with GD ? If you didn't have to tell him, what prompted you to share that info with him knowing the "Ban" (I wouldn't be having that) on your family visiting.

I'm making some leaps here and I could be so wrong but I think you have a bigger problem than his objection to your agreement with your GD given the "Ban" on family visits to your home.

The fact that he has his own money with full say and you have yours with his say is ringing bells with me but I may just be seeing problems where there aren't any but Oh Boy would I be taking a hard look at other "controlling" behaviours.

Good Luck and Best Wishes because you aren't in a healthy or happy place right now.

seems to me that HE is the one who is after your money, just sayin' ...

Not sure that instructions to “just leave him” are useful when none of us know the full story. Wouldn’t marriage guidance be more useful? Does this still exist?
Talking through the relationship and the feelings, emotions, behaviours etc often reveals the underlying issues. Many couples cannot do this truthfully without the aid of a go-between.
As the problem has endured for 3 years, there does not seem to be an immediate need to reach a decision. If the OP still loves her husband and wants to stay with him, despite the awful treatment, surely all attempts to resolve the dispute should be tried?
If the husband wants to save his marriage and the OP wants to stay with him but also resolve the issue, maybe talking through it will bring him to a realisation?
Relationships are rarely cut and dried.
Sometimes the counselling reveals rifts and opinions that will never be resolved, and that’s when “just leave him” may be the best option.
PS. I agree that his behaviour appears controlling, bullying and cruel. Who are we to decide that it can’t be fixed?

Men who try to force a wedge between their wives and and the children those wives have had to previous partners are quite frankly insecure and controlling - by acquiescing to this behaviour you do yourself and all other women a dis-service and you set a really bad example to your grandchildren who look to their elders for role models - you should tell your husband to mind his own business and if he can’t offer supportive comments about your children to shut up - you should also take steps to overturn his ‘ban’ - how absolutely arrogant and dictatorial - you need to ‘woman-up’ ... we’re all behind you!

Oh dear! Like so many here have said, the most troubling aspect about your post, is how your husband has banned your own daughter/granddaughter from visiting, against your will.

Your H is not your D's father or gd's grandfather, so more than likely there could be some ambiguous, negative feelings lurking about (jealousy?). Your gd on the other hand sounds both responsible and trustworthy, so why the ban?.

No matter the motive, your H's ability to control you is unacceptable and his demands are completely unreasonable! This type of behavior is not driven by love, but by selfishness and insecurity

How dare he presume to separate you from your own children? For your own happiness and self-preservation, you need to put a stop to this. Call your daughter ASAP and invite them over. Remind him they are your family too and he has no right to keep them away.

If he doesn't give in, you may have to think about what kind of man you're married to and whether or not he's worth keeping.

It sounds like hes a bully who'se walked allover you for years and sorry to say this but you've 'allowed' him to do so! If your children&grandchildren arent allowed in im afraid if it was me id have told him to pack his bags 3yrs ago!(if its his house id have told him to sue me for it!) Or id have left him then.im sure your daughter would put you up till you got on your feet.you shouldnt have to i know,but better that than put up with a tryant.yes you may both have your own money,but maybe hes after getting his hands on yours in a will- rather than your family,as hes trying to cut your ties with them.Sorry to be harsh&blunt,but often its only people on the outside can see a better view

Come on OP, where are you??

I would suggest leaving him you really don't need this sort of man in your life.This is domestic abuse by control. I would also suggest either standing up to him and telling him that you will see ;your family in your home whether he likes it or not. Would also suggest you get some help, Citizen Advice, dr or police can point you in the right direction. My daughter reported her husband to the police and a warning from them did the trick.

No man on the planet would ever tell me that I could not have my family round, and as others have said this is controlling behaviour and it’s mental abuse, how dare he. He must be a hard and cruel man to even put you in this very hurtful position. Invite all your family round for a party ! And tell DH ( altho there is nothing dear about him) that if he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. Life is just too short to be apart from those you love and don’t ever let anyone make you feel so sad or tell you what you can and can’t do .... this is 2018 and we are equal in every single way.

I agree with merlotgran. It's time to put your foot down.

I would tell hubby to take a running jump

I would leave him. No amount of financial security is worth living a life being bullied and controlled like that. What kind of value is in a relationship where you have to keep secrets because of fear of his wrath?
.

Don't let any man stop you from seeing your dd or dgc. Your dgd has shown she is reliable in paying back the loan and not missed a payment. She is probably really grateful to you for being a guarantor for her and by paying back every month she will be building up her own credit rating. Your dd and dgd are you family and if you love them so not let your dh to stop you from seeing them. He is treating them like they are criminals. I would tell him to either back down or move out, as I would just not tolerate being told my family were not welcome in my home. I do hope you are still seeing your family regularly.

This leopard will not change his spots. Give him his marching orders!