DD and DSIL loan

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sorry I thought first one hadn't posted so I did it again. very badly, lots of mistakes. Time for bed I think!

I'd write it off and learn the lesson. I did this when my son set up his own business - lent him and his partner 5,000 pounds. Unfortunately his partner was a spendthrift and she managed to find many pressing reasons why she needed to take the loaned money for her own needs and not for his business. Soon it was all gone and he still didn't have his business up and running.

For ages my DH and I tried to make payment plans, ask for at least some of it back, etc. But there was just silence on the subject. It became the elephant in the room.

At about that time. my mother died and her estate was quite substantial. I inherited enough to make life pretty comfortable. I decided then and there, to tell my son that the money was a gift, not to be paid back and that we could all forget about it and go back to being friends. My DH still finds this irksome despite it being a few years ago now, but to me, my relationship with my son is more important that money.

Good luck with your decision.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

We are in the opposite situation! A DD and SIL who have earned a lot of money by their own efforts and are always offering to lend to family at no interest!!

I really do think that your DD is out of order here - but that you also need to balance the risks to smooth family relationships.

No it’s not unreasonable to expect the loan back however you may just have to accept that it’s a lost cause. My current husband did something similar with his first family (who I don’t really know as they were divorced before we met). However the old emotional blackmail was employed a couple of years ago, he loaned them money he couldn’t afford and now has literally nothing by way of savings or property etc. He’s retired and so it all falls to me (luckily I have a good income). That’s life I’m afraid

Two properties and they are taking money from you?

It’s hurtful for you but it’s actually showing a total lack of respect by not prioritising you, under these circumstances. Initially you probably didn’t labour the terms of payback, rightly presuming that they would be honourable and pay you back ASAP. I so hope that this is resolved amicably and that it does not cause a rift for you .....

Oh dear, I know the feeling.
I lent an amount to one of my AC and it WAS a loan as the texts from us both make clear.
AC is in a secure well paid job, no partner (at the mo) and no kids.
Spends like there is no tomorrow and tells lies about the reason for wanting a loan. Borrowed from other family but I've no idea whether it was paid back. I imagine it was as I seem to be the 'fall guy' whenever money is sought.
Needless to say, when AC was reminded of the payback date, I was called some very unsavoury names and a barrage of hate texts followed by a change of mobile number. I'm the mother and should be willing to hand over money. Haha...not to a mid 30s fully employed adult who won't budget.
That wasn't the first time nor the second and it was like getting blood from a stone.
The ACs salary is double my pension and AC lives in a cheaper area.
It was eventually paid back over a series of months but not before I said that I'd take out an AEO if it was not forthcoming. Drastic? Yes but I'm not one to moan and do nothing.

No surprises .I went through a very difficult time with my son in the end I was in a position to buy a house for him to live in which i owned that was 8 years ago not a penny back and he has a good job now he want to move again and says will the house be his he is[ 45] and the place he want to move is nowhere as good as where he is.
the problem today is most younger generation want it all they dont seem to want to wait for things instant gratification , they don't want to listen to reason , and having talked with many parents and grandparents the message seem to be the same

Sadly you've got your fingers burned. If , mentally, you write it off, it will be a bonus when it is paid back. The lesson you have taken from this, quite rightly, is not to lend money in the future. It is not worth falling out about. If either you or any of them became seriously ill the money would pale into insignificance. The good news is you are all (hopefully) healthy. However, don't tell anyone you are writing it off mentally. It will just ease the pain for you to know you've done it. They will still be aware that they have a debt to settle. Giving your other daughter an equal sum sounds rather odd. You will be worse off than you are now. You could, if you have made a will, leave instructions for the inheritances to reflect the unpaid debt so that both daughters are treated fairly as one will have already have received part of her inheritance.

GabriellaG What is an AEO please? It sounds useful!

"if I couldn't afford to lend it they would have taken DGS2 out of nursery!"

Well that is a lesson to us all, don't interfere. You were trying to do the best for your GD as many of us do but maybe we should wait to be asked rather than offer.

I think it very good of you to take them all out to celebrate your DD birthday.

Some of these posts makes rather sad reading. I grew up in a family where debt was endemic and neighbours and family were constantly borrowing from each other; often borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I hated it and always said that I would rather give than lend.
We have, under certain circumstances, lent or given money to our children over the years and have always been paid back. Our children have also given or lent money to each other as need has arisen.

He's had a £80k payout so he debts should be the first thing he pays I loaned one of my sons £9,000 six years ago and he's only paid me £1,000. I have changed my will so that he has £8,000 less than the other two unless it is re-paid.

I don't think that pair would be shamed but I would be very ashamed if one of my AC behaved in that way. I do occasionally lend my children money for things e.g. for car insurance when my ds had to buy new car after engine broke on old one. I always set up repayment plan that I know they can afford and they repay by direct debit so they can't forget to pay and I don't ever need to ask for repayment. It works well for me. All loans have always been repaid in full in agreed timescale. My AC are grateful as they know if they took a loan from anywhere else they would have to pay interest charges but not from bank of Mum. If I know one of my children can't afford something I may offer them money and make it clear it is a gift. I think being crystal clear on expectations is vital and respect must be given.

Haven't read the whole thread I'm afraid, but in my experience it's better to 'lend' money to family with the expectation that it may not be paid back - if you can't afford, don't lend; if you can afford, gift it - saves family arguments.

You leant then money as SIL lost job
It is not unreasonable to think that they would pay you back once he had a regular income.

Yes he got a large payment, but as a young family - they will have veey substantial outgoings. Added to which, why would you want to hinder their plans for starting up a business? Not like they throwing it at a luxury holiday / car etc.

I think you are being unreasonable

They are shameless. You should get your money back asap. In a million years I could not imagine that response to my mother/anyone given the funds coming.
I'd ask again, firmly. Maybe when you are out for the birthday.
Seriously. Whatever the reply is you should ask him/them "can you listen to yourself?"
On your own with your daughter (near that tv) you could let her know you're embarrassed to think you brought her up with such attitude

As a general principle don't give loans to family because asking for it back is always going to cause trouble (sometime never).
If you can afford to give help outright do that, £2500 for nursery care is a lot, so look after your own needs first.

Sil is the one to talk to. Just mention it in passing saying something like D seems to think the repayment isnt pressing but i can't pay for this work unless you pay up mr moneybags lol!

My mum and dad have done similar with my brother over the years and they have just resided to cut there losses and not loan him anymore money. It's a shame because it does make an uneasy feeling between them. When I sold my house the removals company wanting paying before they would drive off (house sale money might not have been cleared) so I asked my parents to lend me the £1400. Expensive, I know but that's another story! As soon as the money cleared I gave my dad a cheque. I could tell my parents were worried about me not paying them back and I felt that I must pay them straight away. I guess it plays on some people's minds more than others.

NanaRayna
An AEO is an Attachment of Earnings Order.
The County Court orders that the debtor discloses their earnings including any unearned income, savings and assets including proof of salary and bank debits.
It is then assessed and an amount is deducted at source before salary is paid by employer. The amount is then passedd on by the courts to the person to whom money is owed.
Of course, the debtor has to disclose their bank details and place of work therefore my AC didn't want the workplace to be involved which they would be.
Costs of all this are paid by the debtor and there are fines for ignoring the deadlines. It would massively affect your crexit rating.
You can find out about the whole process online by asking Google how to go about obtaining an AEO.

Good luck...if you ever need it.

Bbbface
I think that you should read ALL the thread, especially those comments posted by the OP.
IMO you are out of order making that comment.