Gransnet forums

AIBU

potty training

(52 Posts)
Sulis Wed 27-Jun-18 18:30:28

AIBU? I have my 2.5 year old grandaughter 2 days a week. She is not yet potty trained. Being partially disabled (not looking for sympathy, just stating facts) I am not able to run around with her, or after her, as I would like. Her parents are trying to potty train her. She is not yet there, by a long chalk. They want me to keep her out of nappies when she is with me, but I am not able to bend down to clear up any mess, and she invariably fails to ask for the potty when she needs it. So, first time being nappyless last week, I let her be nappy free in the garden as the weather was nice. However, I don't want to have the problem of cleaning up in case of accidents indoors nor do I want my carpets ruined! I propose keeping her in nappies indoors until such time as she is trained. Her parents do not want this. AIBU? All advice welcome, please. Thank you.

Oopsadaisy53 Wed 27-Jun-18 18:36:06

Could you use Pull ups? Similar to pants, but she is still too young to be able to do it herself, so it will be a bit hit and miss.
I’m afraid if you are unable to potty train her, then either the parents will have to put up with it or take her elsewhere until she is fully trained.
TBH she is still so young, so it might take quite a while.

wildswan16 Wed 27-Jun-18 18:36:37

I understand your problem. How about putting her in pull-up training pants while she is at yours. More like "real pants" and would minimise your crawling round the floor clearing up.

And if you get GD to really "love" her new pants she might not want to get them wet.

wildswan16 Wed 27-Jun-18 18:37:13

Sorry oopsadaisy - was typing while you were posting. Great minds think alike though.

Bluegal Wed 27-Jun-18 19:01:36

Put pull-ups on her. If parents don't want that then say you will have her when she is potty trained! With my numerous kids and grandkids, I can say they are ready when they are ready and in some cases 3 and beyond! So nothing unusual about your GD not being potty trained but something wrong with the parents if they expect you to put up with her weeing everywhere in your house!

agnurse Wed 27-Jun-18 19:10:08

I can see the parents wanting consistency, but at the same time recognize that you have health limitations.

I agree with the Pull-Ups idea - just ensure that you are consistent in having her use the bathroom and don't treat them as diapers.

Unfortunately, your only other alternative may be to advise them that you won't be able to baby-sit until she is trained. Keep in mind that some children are ready later than others and it could be some time before she is fully dry.

Sulis Wed 27-Jun-18 19:56:16

thank you so much everyone. That really helps. Yes, I shall get pull ups. I am so afraid of upsetting DIL, and she was getting upset with me last week when I said I wasn't prepared to start clearing up messes from the floor. She is a really good mother, but I think she knows other children of the same age who were potty trained long ago. We seem to have gone from no potty training to expecting her to be dry overnight. There really isn't an age for this, and I also think it happens when it does. But I feel reassured by all your thoughtful advice.

Jalima1108 Wed 27-Jun-18 20:06:47

She's not going to get the message immediately that she needs to use the potty so having the potty handy in the garden and getting her to sit on it at regular intervals could be a good idea. Lots of enthusiastic clapping when a wee or poo does arrive in the potty helps too.
Using pull ups means that she can then learn to go to use the potty herself when she starts to get 'the message'.

This is a good time of year for potty training, good luck.

In fact, many children can become 'potty trained' in two or three days of concentrated effort - perhaps the parents could do this over a weekend or when they are not working. Some are a bit slower though.

Jalima1108 Wed 27-Jun-18 20:08:27

She is a really good mother, but I think she knows other children of the same age who were potty trained long ago
I thought that DD1 was becoming potty trained at 18 months but then she regressed so I waited until the following summer when she was 2.5.
Funnily enough, they say that boys are more difficult, but DS was the easiest and quickest.

Feelingmyage55 Mon 02-Jul-18 22:10:17

Unless your granddaughter is showing signs of being ready for potty training, is there any urgency to achieve this ie ready for childminder or another baby coming? Otherwise I would suggest waiting until she is very obviously ready and can say weewee. The more ready the child is, the quicker the training (from someone who started too early the first time).

stella1949 Tue 03-Jul-18 01:54:25

Your daughter-in-law is feeling pressure about this obviously - from your comment about how she knows other people's children are trained at this age.

I'd go with the pull-ups, but I'd also be very definite that it isn't actually your job to toilet train your grand-daughter. If she makes any more fuss about it I'd be suggesting that she might like to pay someone else to care for her child .

Deedaa Tue 03-Jul-18 20:52:33

I think it's your DiL who is being unreasonable. I imagine your grand daughter is quite hard work for you without having to run around cleaning up after her. If you are like me it's an effort to get anything off the floor. Your DiL may know other mothers who claim to have fully potty trained toddlers but I wonder how true it is! I looked after my two oldest grandsons a lot but I left the potty training strictly to the parents.

Luckygirl Tue 03-Jul-18 21:02:50

Your DIL cannot expect you to provide free child care and make conditions for what you are allowed and not allowed to do that exceed your abilities.

My DD tells me what is her ideal and I try to get as close as possible; but she knows that I cannot do everything and fully accepts that.

It sounds as though your DIL is beginning to get anxious about potty training as she is comparing her child with others - always a very bad idea! But her child may not be ready, and she cannot see that - she would not be weeing all over the place if she was.

Tell her you will put the child on the potty now and again to keep the momentum up (as this is what DIL wants, even though the child does not sound ready) but that you will use pull-ups in your home, because that is what you can manage.

You will have to use pull-ups in your house - it is your home and your decision, and you have to work round your own limitations

thecatgrandma Tue 03-Jul-18 21:08:51

If you are looking after the child, in YOUR house, in YOUR time, you should make the rules. If they don’t like it they should send her to nursery.

Jalima1108 Tue 03-Jul-18 22:38:12

Perhaps one (or both) of the parents could take a week off work in this nice weather and concentrate on potty training.
A child of 2.5 should be fairly receptive and eager to stop wearing nappies, pull-ups and enjoy wearing proper knickers!

Luckygirl Wed 04-Jul-18 08:55:27

There is no "should" about it - every child is different.One of mine was out of nappies at about 18 months; the others were much later.

My DGS just announced that he did not want nappies any more when he was about 3.5 - and he was "trained"instantly, because his Mum was wise enough to wait till he was truly ready.

Iam64 Wed 04-Jul-18 09:13:31

Well said Luckygirl. Being guided by the child is the way to go.
I'm a lone voice here it seems but pull-ups are just like nappies so I don't see the point. Potty training can be done 'instantly as Lucky says, if the child announces no more nappies, as one of our almost year olds did recently. Buy a dozen pairs of cheap nickers, put them on and keep them on. It's much more likely the child will let you know as soon as she's weed (or worse) if she's wearing wet pants. Take them off and put clean ones on, reminding her where the potty is. We also found bribes quite useful , small treats for using the pot - very effective with one of ours.

Iam64 Wed 04-Jul-18 09:14:19

Edit button - of course, as well as not starting before the child is ready, just because they're 2.5 years, it's important everyone is following the same training regime. There's a good book called Potty Training in a Week.

Aepgirl Wed 04-Jul-18 10:18:40

I believe that as you are helping out you should have 'my house, my rules'. Of course you have every right to want your home clean and I'm sure you live having your grandchild. I think 'pull ups' are the best option until she can ask for her potty.

cc Wed 04-Jul-18 10:35:50

I agree with Iam64, pull-ups are really just quickly removable nappies. I took my oldest granddaughter out shopping to choose some pretty panties which she wanted to keep dry and that worked well, though we had a few wet moments! We stayed on hard floors for a few days until she got the hang of it.

The youngest wasn't reliably dry until she was more than 3 - every child is different and may not even realise that they want to wee until it has already happened. At least panties stop the more messy accidents, and wee is easy to mop from a hard floor.

Not wearing nappies is fine in the garden but hopeless on carpets - your house, your rules.

Teddy123 Wed 04-Jul-18 10:38:35

I agree with Jalima .... Let them use a weeks holiday to train her at their house.

From my experience with GS I did away with potty indoors and bought a toilet seat with a small toddler sized lift up middle. On eBay. Brilliant. For little ones they need a stool to rest their legs on so that they are in the correct poo position.

Good Luck 🚽👶

mabon1 Wed 04-Jul-18 10:43:10

Use pull us and ask her parents to provide them as you are doing them a huge favour.

Happysexagenarian Wed 04-Jul-18 11:21:28

I also agree that pull-up nappies/trainer pants would be a solution while your GD is in your home. Very easy to change if necessary. Keep a potty or toilet trainer seat at your house so there is a continuation of her home training if she wishes to use it. I think you should explain to her parents the difficulties you face re cleaning up after her - it's easy for them, they're young and agile! And I do feel they should be a little more respectful of your limitations and your home. Your GD's toileting progress will not be impaired because she wears nappies for 2 days a week! She will be clean when she wants to be.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 04-Jul-18 11:31:34

It's a minefield isn't it. My DD asserts with confidence that you cannot potty train children before they are three, as they don't develop the hormone that tells them they need to wee, or controls the bladder sphincter ( she lost me at that point) until that age.

IMO - a load of´c...! We and our children were out of nappies by the time we were two!

I agree different children are dry at different times, but I don't think it helps that young parents today think potty training can be over and done with in the blink of an eye!

Our generation, whether potty training children or house-training kittens and puppies, held that rushing it led to more "puddles" not less!

Jalima1108 Wed 04-Jul-18 11:57:02

There is no "should" about it - every child is different
I think you have misunderstood my use of the word should in this context Luckygirl

I used should as meaning 'within the realms of probability'.
Had I said 'will be able to' I could understand your reply.

I still maintain that most children of 2.5 should be receptive to potty training.
Years ago babies were trained by being 'held out' over potties from a very early age - understandable when there were only terry nappies, no washing machines or tumble driers and the winter months must have been a nightmare for mothers trying to maintain a supply of clean nappies.

Then it was encouraged to train children when they were ready - and I still think that most, if not all, children are ready at about 2.5 - if they show a real disinclination then it's wise to stop and leave it for a while.

However, more and more children are starting school and are still wearing nappies - certainly at one time they were not allowed to join a nursery class attached to a state school without being trained unless there was a physical problem but that rule seems to have been abandoned.

It's a case of catching the right time and I would think that for most, if not all, children that time is between 2 and 3.
Most are proud to display their new skills.

IMO - a load of´c... grin GrandTante - that could be a bit more difficult than the wee because sometimes they like to hang on to it!