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To feel just a little bit miffed.....

(142 Posts)
MawBroon Sat 07-Jul-18 14:33:17

Another friend and I drive a third friend around since her OH had to give up driving and she has never learned.
To be fair, the other friend probably does even more than me, but I take her to a Literature class we go to 10miles away every week, often drive her to the Dr (three times in the last two week) often take her and her OH to the supermarket on a Friday, even if I do not need to go, as I prefer to go midweek or to do an internet shop. I regularly drive the 3 of us to our local garden centre for a coffee or to Book Club in a neighbouring village.
What am I moaning about?
Well yesterday the non driving friend was waxing lyrical about how kind the other one is, how she is always available to help, how she puts herself out for anybody, blah, blah, blah.
I smiled and tried to rise above the childish “resentment” I felt! After all, who was driving her at the time? Who had driven her to three things this week already (twice on Friday) and who was feeling peeved?
Perhaps because I am on my own she feels I need to fill my time, but they are well off with two good pensions, no longer have the expense of running a car but if nobody is available to drive she struggles with a shopping trolley and a very inadequate bus service so why not occasionally book a mini cab? I have just filled up with petrol for the second time in under three weeks at £60 and am becoming increasingly conscious of the expense.
I am ashamed of my selfishness but have always tried to maintain my independence getting taxis if unable to drive anywhere. Perhaps I just felt miffed at the laurels being heaped on our third friend envy
Rant over.

gmelon Tue 10-Jul-18 16:29:12

Small fee and I'll be available grin

Jaycee5 Tue 10-Jul-18 16:39:40

Jalima1108 I am not sure how that really helps. Of course not all drivers. As I have explained, it was a flippant comment which obviously I now regret making as people have chosen to take it the wrong way but I do not see how that makes 'What's your problem?' anything but nasty or why that is part of an answer even by someone who did for some reason choose to take my flippant comment seriously. It seemed to be added gratuitously after the 'answer'.

janeainsworth Tue 10-Jul-18 17:15:18

jaycee I am never intentionally nasty to anyone, and your suggestion that I might be, says more about you than it does about me.
But just carry on being upset over nothing. confused

Jaycee5 Tue 10-Jul-18 17:19:25

janeainsworth You used a nasty phrase. That rather belies your comment that you are never nasty. People are entitled to stand up for themselves including on social media which is all I have done and it is sad that you don't have it in you to apologise but so be it.

GabriellaG Wed 11-Jul-18 00:22:11

Girls...girls...girls...angry calm down hmm
Now shake little fingers and make friends grinflowers
What a kerfuffle!

Iam64 Wed 11-Jul-18 08:49:38

Goodness, what an overreaction to janeainsworth's question.

eazybee Wed 11-Jul-18 09:13:15

To revert to the original topic, I think the key is 'she never learned to drive.' For our generation, seventies and younger, that is a deliberate choice, and I would think this friend has enjoyed a lifetime of being ferried around by her husband, now that he is unable to do so she expects others to take his place. If this offends people who have chosen not to drive, so be it. My aunt learned to drive in her late fifties when my uncle was stricken with motor neurone disease, and negotiated the Manchester traffic to various hospital with aplomb.

I spent six months last year unable to drive through illness, and while I hated the loss of my independence I began to see the advantages of being driven from door to door, not having to find a parking space, negotiate busy traffic, and of course, the saving in petrol and car tax. I did make contributions for petrol, and am now able to reciprocate by giving lifts to all the kind people who helped me.

The unfavourable comparison with another friend, the insistence on shopping on the day of her choice, not yours, the objection to coffee in the cafe and a complete lack of any form of recompense, indicate a woman used to having her own way, with a steely determination to continue doing so.
The demands for help will increase, and it is significant that the children are not available for much help; the son tried to help her use online shopping, which she refused to learn; they have probably had a lifetime of this.

The only way to deal with her is to become unavailable for trips that you are not intending to make. ie to the supermarket and the Surgery. Suggest a taxi. Doubtless she will contrive to make you feel guilty, but I think you can ride that out.

eazybee Wed 11-Jul-18 09:14:00


annep Wed 11-Jul-18 22:30:05

janeainasworth that's me you were talking about lol. My husband has been known to travel the half hour journey to town on the train, which he loves, and I meet him there in the car. When he asks if I'm going on the train, he gets that I only use the train if we are going to the theatre and I want to have a glass of wine. ( this is nothing to do with the OPs question.sorry)

janeainsworth Wed 11-Jul-18 22:49:17


Marylou1977 Thu 12-Jul-18 15:38:12

My friend has epilepsy and has been unable to drive and unable to work. She always plans for a taxi or bus and never ever expects a ride. People are willing to give her rides because she is always grateful. We attend the same church and I have told her she always has a ride home with me. If I have something I need to do that I can’t take her I will tell her upfront. She is a pleasure to be around.

cornishclio Thu 12-Jul-18 17:17:15

She is taking advantage of you and not even grateful. I would make excuses and stop driving her around. Say you cannot afford to run the car as much due to the cost of fuel and see if that concentrates her mind more on the inconvenience and cost to you.

MawBroon Mon 16-Jul-18 16:42:59

A quick update.
While I was away I spotted an email (addressed to the third “driving” friend as well as myself) in which my non-driving friend said that she had a Dr’s appointment first thing this morning. The “driving friend” said she was away and would not be back in time to help out, but as there was no direct request to me for a lift I decided not to react but just to ignore it.
It turns out she booked a mini cab herself from a personally recommended and very helpful firm and got herself there and back. So she can do it.
If I had been asked directly I dare say I would have done it for her, but I thought I would just hold back. Somehow I feel a little less put upon now. The “driving friend” has offered to take her shopping and as I am going to visit DD and DGS again to babysit I feel no guilt or compunction to offer anything else. I think a balance has been restored.

Squiffy Tue 17-Jul-18 13:56:29

That’s good to hear Maw.

annep Tue 17-Jul-18 14:40:55

Well done!

MargaretX Tue 17-Jul-18 19:17:38

Get a tin with a slit in it for petrol money and leave it on the seat. Tell her what it is for and that at the moment if you keep on driving three times a week when you would normally stay at home that you will be short of money and that you need this cash for the upkeep of the car.
Tell her what a car costs. petrol, check ups, insurance and losing value each year.