To feel just a little bit miffed.....

Maw nothing to add to all the good advice here, but....... I can imagine that when she's with the other friend she waxes lyrical about all YOU do for her!

My MIL used to say ‘please others and you displease yourself’. I’ve done similar in the past Maw as a kindness and then I realised it was impacting on my own choices in life as I felt constrained. It wasn’t nice and I felt hemmed in.

No, you're not being unreasonable. I found myself in a similar position with my mother who lives 30 miles away.

For many years I was the one driving up there, taking her to various medical appointments, ferrying her to events and so on.

The crunch came when I picked her up to attend a wedding. She was to stay at my house the night before so she could prepare the following morning. Even though a mini bus had been arranged, she wouldn't travel in it.

During the wedding, which I also drove to with her as an additional passenger, she did not even offer to buy a drink.

That evening she stayed at mine again, and was driven home the following day. It was a three day event for me acting as taxi, not a word of thanks and no offer to pay something towards the fuel.

No more. Enough is enough. I just don't offer any more, and you know what? I don't feel guilty!

If you prefer to shop midweek, then tell her that's when you can give her a lift to the supermarket - and offer to show her how to do an online shop if that's not convenient for her.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

We don't have a car, but would never dream of asking a neighbour to drive us anywhere without insisting that we be allowed to pay the petrol. With one good friend it was quite a battle to get her to accept that, but I simply said that we do not feel comfortable asking for help and not doing anything in return. It costs good money to have a car, after all.

Perhaps you should have a talk with this lady and make it quite clear that you are happy to help, but there is method in all things. Obviously, if your neighbour has an appointment somewhere, she needs a lift at her convenience, but if you are going shopping, she should have the manners to do so when it suits you too, and not make it impossible for you to plan your day, or get the most out of it, because it suits her to shop at one particular time.

IMO she should be paying all the petrol if she is the one who has to be somewhere at a particular time, and half of it if you are both going shopping.

I dont drive, (i was having my daughter when i should have been taking my test), and either walk or take a bus/train.
I visit my daughter and GC once or twice a week and we will go shopping once a fortnight, for me. On those occassions i will often pay for her bits and pieces, buy her lunch or once a month, pay towards the petrol.
When friends give me lifts and refuse donations they get a gift at christmas.
Im not bragging, but i really do appreciate being driven by ccar to places that are too far, or too expensive to go by public transport.

I think maybe have become so used to you driving them everywhere that they never think about cost or your inconvenience. A gentle reminder might help, if not then be 'unavailable' at times.

My husband is retired and sadly has lost his parents and best pal. He takes his late pal’s Mum to visit her husband in a care home a couple of times a week at a time which suits them both, she is always trying to pay him. We have reached a compromise - she sends home baking for our sons! I think your friend has a hard neck! Next time have the coffee and make her wait! It’s lovely to help but it’s terrible to be taken for granted.

Mawbroon, Its not just the cost of the petrol it's all the car costs over the year! I think your friend is out of order. Put your foot down gently. Or firmly if necessary. Perhaps have a box for your favourite charity in the car and rattle it under her nose.
People are funny though. I have often given a neighbour on the allotment various things but she has never once offered me anything. So I have stopped being so generous.

Can the friend not use online shopping. I know she may well enjoy the outings but if there was no one to ferry her about and didn't want to spend money on taxis this would be her option. Does your L. A. or Age Concern perhaps run little pick up drop off services to supermarkets. Worth checking out local organisations for her. You have to make yourself less available as you are not being valued never mind recompense.

I don't drive and use the bus mostly unless we are going for family shopping when my daughter drives. We have a friend whose DD goes to the same school as my GD's do and she has brought GD's home after school several times when they have been at after school club with her DD. I have suggested to my daughter that we should, at least, offer petrol money as, although it is only 5 minutes out of her way, it is still using petrol she wouldn't normally use. My daughter says no, the lift was offered.

Have just read your post Maw, and haven’t yet read all the thread (I will) but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You obviously do a great deal to help this couple, and you obviously do it without any resentment, but to then have to listen to the praises of someone else being sung, is indeed a little galling. I see you’re not asking for anything in return for your help and kindness, so it would be nice (and indeed polite) to hear a heartfelt thank you, and some acknowledgment of everything you do. I think that’s completely reasonable.

4allweknow yes she can and her son was visiting recently to help her with an internet order, but no change.
TBH a trip to Waitrose is a trip out for her and her OH who has Alzheimer’s so I should not moan. Shame about the coffee and the Danish though, she would not spend money on that and only ever has a basic cup of tea if we go to the Garden Centre.
I suppose I also feel her (2) AC are too happy to know she has good friends locally whereas I feel they should be in evidence at least once a month each to help out, support and visit !
But anyway, lots of helpful input.
Maybe I should draw a line under this thread now?

And to buy the coffee, offer a little recompense, or a gift occasionally of a bottle of wine or a few flowers wouldn’t go amiss either.

My home help drives me to hospital, etc. I pay her for the mileage. The AA say 44p a mile. Also her time.

Nothing to add to the wise comments above. However, I wouldn’t be able to resist asking the other friend how she feels about all the ferrying around. You might get some interesting feedback.
Time for a firm change now!

Maw I'd be inclined to say "oh sorry I've done my shopping on-line so I don't need to go to Waitrose" or "I popped in earlier in the when I had been (wherever)". It is difficult but I'm also a widow & I often decide on the spur of the moment to go shopping or call into my local Tesco/ASDA/Sainsbury when I've been meeting friends as it's convenient.

I would gradually be less available unless it suits you to give her a lift. IMHO your friend has "brass neck" to expect you to take her & her DH especially if one of them is entitled to a Blue Badge (we still pay for parking here but being able to park closer is a bonus).

Most people who are reasonably well off are tight with money, that's why they have plenty whilst those of us less well off are generous with our time. Good luck & be kind to yourself

Mawbroon. you have every right to feel the way that you do. It is insensitive to place a' halo' on one person who assists her and not a 'peep' about the other. You.
I would not be so forth coming following these remarks and as you say it is not all about the money but you too have a life so the only advice I give is pick and chose what you want to do for her. If she is so needy then she can
always go to the one she gives her praises to.

Vent away I don't think you are unreasonable as you are being totally taken for granted. I take my elderly friend to a book club once a week and elsewhere occasionally but she is always grateful. She would occasionally insist on giving me £10 towards the petrol even though I tried to say no as she says it is only fair because of the price of petrol so now if we are out and we have a snack and a coffee which is only occasionally bless her she likes to treat me which I try to accept with grace. I once was very taken for granted by a neighbour taking her for chemo, doing shopping etc, visiting her in hospital and taking home her dirties as she had fallen out with all her relatives. I didn't mind doing it but as I also worked part time and was looking after two other elderly relatives I was shattered, she never offered me a penny and I vowed to be a bit more careful in the future as I barely even ahd a word of thanks. I started to say I am sorry I only shop once a week and you will have to have your groceries bought on the day I shop and strangely the world didn't come to an end. I would say your shopping day is Friday and they will have to accompany you or otherwise you will be too busy to take them because of other commitments you don't have to explain further. I had help when my husband was having radiotherapy 5 times a week for 5 weeks friends bless them took him for half of the time as my health isnt very good. I offered them all the petrol money and all refused so I donated the cost to the local cancer charity and would now do anything for them.

I would start being a lot less 'available'. You are clearly ferrying this lady around an awful lot - twice in one day?? There seems to be an element of taking it all for granted so I would still be friends, still give her occasional lifts, but she seems to be perfectly able to afford a cab if she needs a ride anywhere, and of course she is saving a fortune not running a car - unlike you!

I had this scenario for a while after my elderly neighbour decided to give up driving , quite sensibly , after a near miss. I took him everywhere and it began to get a bit much ... he’s a very gentle sort of man but with a very bad view of the role of women ! One day , I’d been out to the gym and just popped my head around the door , as I did every day to check all was well and found him sitting, in his hat and coat, as if he was waiting for something. I cheerily chirped up and asked what he was waiting for ... his answer ,
“ A taxi, but YOURE here, now!”........ I was livid and from then on I made myself very much more unavailable ! He was not poor so could afford cabs and he occasionally gave me money for petrol which I mostly refused .... but he upset my feminist Alta ego!!!! Grrrrrr!

maybe you could tell her you are a bit weary of the situation? You could drop the Waitrose one and come to an arrangement about petrol money for the remaining trips?

Maw,
One of our most basic human needs is to be valued and appreciated, especially when we go out of our way to do something nice for someone. My immediate reaction to your post is that you are not being unreasonable.

You have driven her on your own time and at your own expense, many times. Did she ever even utter a 'thank you' before or after she gushed out all her 'lyrical' praise for the other one?

So, after all that, if you're still willing to drive her around (out of sheer kindness) then go ahead, do it anyway but don't expect anything in return. She may be ungrateful, insensitive and boorish, but you knew that already.

There is a difference between doing what makes you happy or doing what other people want. By all means, do spend more time on yourself doing the things YOU want and love. Shop at John Lewis (never been..I live in the US), but it sounds lovely, so go for it. Buy yourself something grand and enjoy some Coffee and Danish on me.

When you have to ask yourself whether or not you're being taken advantage of, listen to your own inner voice. If that's what this feels like, then it's time put a stop to it. Next time she asks, tell her you're too busy. Say something like "Today doesn't really work for me, sorry ...maybe next time".

coffee and

I suspect she spends her time with the other friend telling her how wonderful you are, and playing both sides against the middle to try and drum more time and effort out of you both.

I am a natural cynic but this smells of treacle laced with poison to me. The sweetest surfaced people are often the most manipulative.

Become less available, and explain petrol is very expensive these days, if you were to receive a"contribution" it would surely make her feel better, and would help you a great deal.
Try to regain your "freedom" and not be a cheap taxi service,I think this person has got a nerve to be honest, she doesnt deserve a friend like you.

Yes, good advice to become less available.

Smile sweetly (you can do thar over the phone too!) and say ‘sorry, no can do, but xxx will doubtless take you, after all you were only saying the other day how she’s always willing to put herself out for friends’ ?