tell me I'm not BU

I feel for you but......don't give up. Maybe a visit won't work out at present but keep in contact. Continue, subtle ways, letting them know you are there and they are in your thoughts.
One of the things I have learnt in life is.....ones expectations are what can cause one grief. I had a niece living with me for three years and....I started with the premise that I would not expect her to lift a finger around he House but would keep her room tidy. When she cooked a meal or mowed the lawn etc I let her know how delighted I was. I would have to do it all if she wasn't there anyway.....it meant I didn't get stressed, our relationship ran well and we didn't get into arguments because she didn't do chores.
Family are very fickle and they work from a very different agenda to us.
Good luck and keep well.

it's tough. But I think with this heatwave a 600 mile trip is too much for all of you especially at short notice. You know the relationship - you know a coolness...not us. I'm in a very similar place but have moved away as much as I can emotionally - in fact I have a book launch this week - and I don't even know if son is coming? (last heard he was going to ask wife...) But I can't let it ruin my present. My DIL is very tough with me and yet she posts sentimental lovey things about strangers on her facebook...I really don't get it but I really have stopped trying to. I just remember to be very pleased when I get anything from them..or I may get nothing. It's not fair. But we all know unfortunately that life isn't fair - sometimes we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and start over..not drive 600 miles for possibly further hurt.

Dear JuliaSeizer44 (love your GN name!)

Your sons text sounds ok, he does first need to check with his wife, as she may have arranged something for that weekend. You dont want to go all that way and then find out that they have other arrangements for all or part of the weekend.

I sometimes worry if I don’t get a fairly quick reply to a text or an email from family members, but people nowadays lead such busy lives, and I know that I have sometimes made the mistake of writing a text but not pressing ‘send’!

I also know I can get a bit upset by my son-in-laws mother who describes herself (in front of me!) as the ‘best nana in the world’, so that a missed text from the young family has the potential to seem more important than it actually is.

Have a lovely weekend with your son and family when you get there, and huge virtual hugs ?

I know exactly how you feel as my son is exactly the same. In fact he sometimes doesn't reply at all if he can't give an answer. I know he loves me dearly but he now has other commitments, wife and children. I am sure he wants to see you but I do know his wife will probably make all the social arrangements so of course he has to check with her. I tend to wait now until I am invited and sometimes it is a long wait. My daughter on the other hand jumps at the chance of us going to stay with her. It is hard but you need to accept that parents come quite low on the list of priorities these days.

At least your son told you it was probably ok. Mine waits until he has checked with my lovely DIL before he replies and it can take days and when I ask his wife she won’t have had the message?. Isn’t it just how sons behave? Wives and family come first which is how it should be, I only have one son so may be wrong. But if I am unwell he will be right there and worrying about me.

I have two sons. One replies as soon as he's checked with DiL; the other does exactly as the OP says. Tells me he'll check, then nothing. I have accepted that it's just how they are. Sons, as has been remarked on countless GN threads, often deal with things quite differently to daughters. I don't know the reason, just 'men' again, perhaps!

I would feel hurt too especially as you live 600 miles apart and you do all the traveling to see them, also you say this had has happened many times over.

I would let it go and not get in touch for a while, wait until they do. Maybe forget a Birthday once in a while, you will be surprised how quickly you will get a response.

Let's not use the word 'unreasonable' but rather the phrase 'a little bit silly' - you're obviously overly-sensitive just now but to make things better you need to put yourself in his place - he can't continue conversations with you while at work, and he has to discuss with your DIL. This is just a practical issue. If my hubby is asked by either of his daughters whether they can visit on a particular day/weekend, he has to check with me because I keep the diary and we may be doing something else. It's no big deal, just a matter of not double-booking. Wait for his response. Do either of your sons have home email addresses you can use to begin a writing relationship with them. At least you can say a bit more then.

I think it a generational thing and a man thing. I can see why you would feel hurt. Just wait a bit then a short text to DIL. I hope you get on, you might have more success. Good luck. Your normal, we have had to step back as well.

I understand how you feel.

DS sometimes simply doesn't answer texts or emails and if important I resend them with a ? which usually gets a response. I was very pleased to discover that his brother, with whom he is very close, often doesn't get a response either! Sometimes we take things to heart which are not meant to hurt, they just don't think.

Recently we turned up at DS & DiL's house with overnight bags and DS was quite cross with us. We checked our emails and he had agreed that we should stay but mentally he had thought it was the following week. DiL suggested that in future I copy her into the emails. These things happen but we shouldn't read too much into them.

Just what my son would do at work.
I now make all arrangements with DIL.
I'm sure he was just busy.
Don't let it upset you. He would probably be mortified if he knew he had upset you. They take us for granted as we probably did to our parents. Enjoy your visit.

I have a similar problem with our only son, who lives 250 miles away from me. We were asked, back in March, to go on holiday with them & our 7 yr old Grandson, in August. I 'nudged' him,about how the planning for it was going, in April? To be told, that they've been too busy to sort anything......yet! This was to be in the 6 weeks hols., time is slipping away. Eventually, during a messaging session, I was told that we won't be going away, as they're both too busy at work. O.k. Fair enough, I accept that. But, how nice it would've been, if that information had been passed onto us sooner. We've offered instead, to come & look after our Grandson, for a few days in the 6 weeks holidays. At least,we would get to get to spend precious time with him, while they're at work. Or, would said Grandson like to come & stay with us? We offered to do this, over 4 weeks ago.......we still await a reply. Grandson breaks up from school on Friday. It exasperates me & it hurts. Everything is said by messaging, as ringing doesn't sit well with them. Always busy & tired, which I know they are. By messaging each other, they can respond in their own time. But this little 'episode' takes the biscuit, I'm afraid. So, you're not alone in feeling this way.

Texts are difficult in that you don't get the tone of someone's voice and it can sound curt when it's not meant to be. I was upset by a recent text ( not from a family member). In the end it wasn't sent in the tone that I'd read it as.
Other gransnetters have suggested a phone call which is a good idea and more personal than a text, but I even arrange a time for that. Also as others say keep contact with DIL. that way they don't feel like an add on to DS.

I will never get over my empty nest syndrome. One DS lives in Norway, so that means infrequent visits, the other not too far away but he and DIL both work shifts, so that takes a lot of arranging too.

How about Skype or FaceTime? That helps all the family, and helps to be a bit pushier about a visit.

I do feel for you, but you're not alone in this situation. Don't let your contact slip though. Offspring forget how important your relationship is when you're not actually on hand helping out frequently, like my DIL'S mother, but that's another story.

I'm sure if they knew how upset you are they'd understand how much you love them.

No need to take your message off. It's a good thing to discuss.

'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child'
Mr Shakespeare had it right. Cuts us to the quick not feeling wanted or appreciated. And not getting back to us about visits does just that!
Hope your boy gets back to you soon with a warm welcome.

If he is anything like either of our DS he probably forgot when he got home. They are busy with their everyday life and things like this just slip their minds. We always ask both of our DS when would be a good time to visit, we usually do not invite ourselves. As for him needing to ask his wif... good for him! I would.expect him to say he needs to check with her. I myself do not ever make plans without checking with my DH first.

Do you always ask to go to them or do they ask you to come to them?
I think it's nice to wait to be invited.
How often do you normally go? If it's several times a year maybe tell them it's good of them to look after you so well when you come so please accept this (make a money gift ) and treat yourselves to a nice weekend away somewhere as a thank you.
Even if they have loads of money it would be a nice gesture and let them know you do appreciate the efforts they have to make when you go to there.

Oh, for goodness sake - texting is so impersonal - why not phone and actually speak to someone - it used to be called 'having a conversation!' Texting at work would be my last point of call.

The way we manage visiting far away family now is to stay in a hotel somewhere nearby (could be a b&b sometimes) and make it into a holiday. We arrange to meet for a meal somewhere (our treat), and perhaps visit a couple of times for an hour or so. I find it's quite an imposition having people to stay now, although we do love to see visitors - so we don't tend to impose ourself on others who have busy lives themselves.

Yes I do find that when I'm not needed I'm dumped a bit. I do a lot of child care but the other granny rarely does but is invited round at weekends for meals! Where did I go wrong?

Is so difficult to comment on such threads because we have NO idea about your relationship with your son.

So whilst on paper it looks like he has been rude, there is a chance he is actually being very polite given how treated him as child for example.

Hello JuliaSeizer44. To me you are not being oversensitive at all. I don't know how long has elapsed since your text and his reply but I had a similar thing with my DS a couple if months ago. We live 2000km away from him and were planning a trip to England. The hotels in England and for the return had already been booked so asked if we could meet up on the xx June. Got the usual will have to consult the calendar so I said can you let me know within a few days because I need to get booking the journey. I waited 8 days and heard nothing so went ahead and booked as planned so we would be in France on the 26th. 3 weeks later I got a message to say xx was okay. So I had to message back that sorry it was too late as everything was now booked. His reply was he would have to pull his finger out in future. Sad thing is I know it was because his wife had vetoed it not because he had forgotten. So be like us and just live your life and leave them to theirs. None of my children even contact each other much either. Life today I suppose which is so very different to life when they were growing up and all the family were close.

Actually if I got that quick a response I would be overjoyed, he already was prepared to say he thought it would be ok, just wanted to check. From one son in particular it is once in a blue moon that I get a reply at all, unless he wants something!

JuliaSeizer44.Only when our kids have kids of their own will they understand what it is like to feel how their parents may have felt.Ease back on the gifts and send a message.'Would love to visit, let me know when convenient'.Don't get upset if it doesn't happen immediately just get on with your life.

A case of 'overthinking'. One of my sons takes days to reply to me. Actually, I find it far easier to make arrangements with my daughters inlaw. Most daughters inlaw make all the family plans anyway.....

I think you need to phone them in the evening. I have a similar problem with stepgrandchildren new twins. My husband wants to see them -he phones and phones, no response. Meanwhile I find out on Facebook the twin babies have been taken to visit the real Gt Grandmother and they failed to call in to see us, a mile away. It is normal and courteous to consult with wife - obviously a polite son ! I wouldn't be too worried - he thinks you have loads of time while he has to work !