AIBU to think they're spending too much?

If you need to ask the question on here I think the answer is not to say a word.

When DS was planning their wedding I suggested to him that they spent money on things they would remember and which would feature in the photos rather on things which would be forgotten straight afterwards. The cars were provided by two people who had Range Rover Evoques and I did the ribbons for them. No one cares about the cars. The cake was expensive and beautiful. There were no favours on the table, who remembers favours? They wanted a sweet table so we did it ourselves and I bought glass things in charity shops to display the home made sweets. Very few were eaten. No other add ons but they had an expensive band which was fine as they and most of their guests are very musical.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago where they had all the add-ons, photo booth, sweet trolley, 3 different favours for each person, little hearts each person signed and put in glass cases and probably more I didn't notice. Our cheque has been cashed but we haven't had a thank you. Imo they should have spent their time sorting out who was going to toast whom in the speeches because I don't know how many times we toasted all and sundry! However, if they are happy it is up to them.

Please be careful before you voice your concerns.I did this last year with my son and his wife, they took it that i was critising and our relationship has totally broken down.I have seen my grand daughter three times only since this happened (all very strained) she use to come stay with me during the shcool holidays and weekends that is all stopped now,it breaks my heart. My son will respond if i text or message him but doesnt contact me otherwise. Please take care, i totally understand how you are feeling about debt etc but think carefully. We have to bite our lips sometimes as i have learned to my cost.

No don't say anything as it's their choice as adults what they spend.

If you're not paying for the bulk of the wedding it's not your decision. They are the ones who have to deal with it.

I can understand your worrying, granschemeofthings, but I think you have to keep your own counsel. Tempers do get very frayed when weddings are being organised and you really don't want to fall out over this. We've run the gamut in our family, from a huge castle wedding to a city hall ceremony, just the bride and groom and two witnesses. They were all just what the couple wanted, and this is what matters. We gave each of our DC the same wedding fund, and left it entirely up to them whether they wanted to add to it for a spectacular day, or spend it on something else. Then we backed right off! apart from spending countless hours sourcing vintage china/vases/dresses/photo frames and making miles of bunting, of course

I don't understand the massive wedding thing either Grannyknot and it is frightening granschemeofthings.
Are they already buying a house together - if not all that £30k says to me is 'savings towards a deposit'!!
Then there is the stag do, the hen do - not a few drinks at the pub these days but an expensive trip abroad in many cases.

Thank goodness my DC did not go down that route - they had lovely and memorable weddings at reasonable cost and one hasn't gone down that route at all.

However, it is best to say nothing and hope that they come to their senses before they end up taking out a bank loan for it as well granschemeofthings

we ended up with a 35 grand bill (neither set of parents contributed a brown penny)
muffin, please come and scrape me up off the floor

As long as they’re not asking you to contribute or bail them out later it’s really not your business. If you say something is it really going to make them sit up and think ‘we need to cut down’? I doubt it. If your son was dropping a hint you need to become selectively deaf. Just be happy for them and enjoy the day.

When I married in the 1960s it cost whatever a register office cost then, the ring, a nice new outfit, and a posh dinner for seven people in the evening.

Nobody I knew had stag or hen nights then. I don’t understand those at all. What are they for?

Jalima ...my therapist said to me after all was said and done, “no wonder you had a relapse”

I will refrain from telling the whole saga, but young people - learn from my mistakes!! Luckily we already had a small but nice home of our own. Still, pumping out that sum of money just puts you as a couple right behind the eight ball at the very start of your marriage.

I would feel less cut up about the whole thing if it hadn’t involved so much family grief and strife. The bill is long since settled but the hurt feelings remain.

My heartfelt advice to all couples regardless of age, wealth or station: spend as little as you can get away with!!

I've never been one for fancy weddings. Mine was very cheap 48 years ago and DD's was very cheap 21 years ago. Having said that, when a dear young friend got married after being diagnosed with cancer for the fourth time I was so pleased that she had the lavish wedding she wanted and the honeymoon in LA.

Just on a lighter note, I stated in an earlier post in this thread that I have never enjoyed any wedding. However, thinking back there is just one I enjoyed immensely. That was in 1969 when attitudes to marriage were somewhat different.

A very good workmate of mine and his girl had saved up the deposit on a house and were waiting for it to be built when there became "an urgent need to get rings on her and his fingers".

The deposit on the house had taken all their money and both sets of parents were in no position to contribute anything substantial whatsoever. Therefore, they settled on a "normal clothes" registry office wedding and the landlord at the Grooms local pub agreed that if they could guarantee at least eighty attending he would close of the Lounge bar for the exclusive use of wedding quests free of charge.

No food or drink was laid on and everyone attending paid personally for all they consumed. It seemed that many of the quests came from the companies that Groom and Bride worked at, and entertainment was by way of a truck driver who had experience of being a busker in the past.

However, what a wonderful afternoon and evening that event turned out to be. A small set of drums were found to accompany the truck driver on the guitar and mouth organ and the bride's father after a few beers joined in by playing the spoons. Numerous guests got up after downing sufficient beverage to sing as best they could while we all jived away between the tables to anything that even slightly resembled music. There were some hilarious non-rehearsed speeches none of which could ever be repeated or in most cases remembered.

We all rolled out of there at normal closing time for the pub (10:30 pm) with everyone saying what a great day it had been. Until her death last year they remained together for 46 years having had two daughters and a son

Very different times with very different attitudes.

The most enjoyable weddings I remember attending and with the strongest marriages that followed, were all those done without show or extravagance. The wedding is an irrelevance. It is the marriage that counts.

I cannot stand these ridiculously overpriced weddings but hey ho it’s not me getting into debt for a one days lavish event, well not even one day
I really admire couples who do it on a small budget and use the money for more necessary things

We married at a registry office in 1963, and the reception was for about 2 dozen people in the front room of the house we were renting, sandwiches, cakes and cups of tea. After the ceremony, the registrar leaned over the desk to shake hands, saying "Congratulations, that`ll be 7/6 please", talk about killing romance!
The honeymoon was a week in his mum and dad`s caravan just outside Blackpool.

I did not want to get married but knew mum would be so upset if we did not. I bought the only dress I tried on and left arrangements for guests/venue/ food to mum. I chose my flowers and our 1 night honeymoon in a pub by the river. We went through with church ceremony, smiled politely at reception in a local country pub back room and continued as b4! 47 yrs ago in August.

We had a traditional white wedding ,in church with 100 guests at a local hotel,3 course meals with two choices for each course and a great band ....all chosen by our parents

.WE wanted to get married in a registry office ,my Dad said we'd be as well getting a dog license ,his dad said a PROTESTANT church ...any other kind and he wouldn't come ( I was raised catholic) It didn't do us any harm at all to let them all have the wedding they wanted ..we just wanted to get married
.And we are still married, 43 years last weekend and had our annual visit to the altar where we exchanged our vows .....Oh the parents paid for it all so thats why it was their choices apart from the dress and colour scheme .As someone said its just one day in a life .

I'm very fortunate in that none of my children had, or wanted, extravagant weddings, but I guess it's a decision only the bride and groom can make. Hard to simply stand by and see financial disaster unfold though.

When I was 8 I decided that if I ever got married I could imagine nothing worse than a big white wedding,

So it was a church wedding with 25 guests, a sit down meal at the local pub with a function room and we honeymooned at our flat. What else can you do if you get married in February? We went to Yugoslavia (I think the bit we went to is now Croatia) in the summer on a package tour.

In my humble opinion, when do children ever take advice from their parents. We don't know anything, we're old, out of touch, etc etc. I would leave them to it. Save yourself the bother of disagreements. But dont bail them out when they realise what they've done. They will always do things their own way. Sometimes they will find out you were right and you can just smile. Because they wont say "You were right". IMHO.

I don't think it's worth getting into serious debt for just one day. What is your relationship with your son and his fiancee like? If it is good, next time he mentions maxing out on debit/credit cards, I suppose you could pleasantly ask if there aren't a few economies to be made.

I hope your son and his fiancee have a happy life together.

I don't think you should say anything. It really does have to be there decision and all you can do is be there if they need you! So hard to watch but necessary once children grow up.

To the OP, no you are not being unreasonable, but keep your thoughts in your head, it would be a big mistake to say anything.

DD civil wedding and reception twelve years ago: between 90 and 100 guests; groom paid for actual ceremony and music throughout, groo's paid for champagne forgone toast; bride's M and D paid for everything else. Total cost to us £18,000. Wonderful day, worth every penny.

Our own wedding had been a much smaller affair because that was what we had wanted back in the seventies.

Subject to the number of guests, £30k does not seem unreasonable provided it is affordable, and that should mean that nobody gets into debt or misses out on priorities such as a decent home because of it.

My friend married last year for about 600 pounds, I think she said.
Register office, then all to a nice carvery where we paid for ourselves.
It really was such a lovely, relaxing day.