AIBU to think they're spending too much?

Subject to the number of guests, £30k does not seem unreasonable
Spending more than an average annual UK salary on a wedding seems very unreasonable to me
Of course, it is relative to what the couple and anyone else contributing earn.

(is that the first time I have disagreed with you grumppa?)

I know what marriages are for but I don't know what show -offy weddings are for.

The other thing is how much guests pay to attend a wedding. I saw a figure recently of it costing over £1,000 a wedding: The essential new outfit (regardless of how many weddings you go to), hen/stag nights, hotels, presents and other extras,

I went to my niece's wedding recently. Wore a dress I already had, bought new shoes in M&S for £30, Handbag in a charity shop for £4. We did spend 2 nights in a Premier Inn and we did push the boat out on the present as we supplied all the champagne for the toasts. We can buy it cheaper in France. But still way short of £1,000.

Both mine had really beautiful weddings but on a strict budget. I absolutely cannot understand this trend toward lavish and OTT weddings. It smacks of little girls wanting to be princesses.

But it’s their choice.

It is the choice of the young couple. My experience is it isn't only the young women who want the huge lavish do, its the couple. It's the "thing" currently to have two stag/hen does, that is one in the UK and one in a Med resort followed by a huge wedding, expensive honeymoon etc . The baby comes within a couple of years, similar parties arranged, including baby showers, naming/Christening ceremonies. I blame the parents of these young parents, that'd be us then.

Like so many previous posters here - I'm not a fan of big weddings, never had one, never wanted one. We were married at the local registry office and had a party at home afterwards. Very happy day, no formal photographs but lots of informal snaps of people chatting, eating, drinking, babies asleep in the corner etc. That's my kind of party but it wouldn't do for everyone.

it is ridiculous but if you say anything it will only come back on you trouble is these days people are under such media social and peer pressure

I don't think there is much you can do. What do the other parents think? It seems to me that there is now more thought and planning going into the 'big day' than to the actual marriage, but then I'm just old fashioned.

Actually I’d quite like to get married again and have the wonderful dress and the stuning venue and the party and the presents. Especially the wonderful dress.

I don’t want to BE married, you understand, just have a nice time planning it all and seeing how many different ideas I could come up with.

I think I’m a bit bored.

Seriously OP, don’t say a thing. Don’t even frown a little. Not if you want any kind of relationship from here on in!

Sadly just had this situation where a small informal do turned into a bridezillas fest! We did help with cash gift to help the debts afterwards but they've spent on something frivolous so we are bowing out and will see what happens. My dil thinks she's KK and needs that lifestyle and ds is paying but he's a grown up and if he can't see it himself I'm not going to cause an argument by telling him (our whole family can see it)

Yes my niece had a big costly wedding and asked as wedding gifts for people to contribute money towards the cost of her new kitchen. Just can't understand it.

Unless you are meeting all expenses ,in my day!! parents just paid for the reception, say nothing.

When my daughter got married in 2009, they went for a big event, as all their friends did. I felt it was too much as well, and I have to admit to protesting at the start. But I soon realised that I could spoil it for them, and for myself, by grumbling along with it all, and decided to go with whatever they wanted to do. It was their wedding, and it was important that they could celebrate it in the way they wanted. The funding was mainly their responsibility, and they carried it off.
I had some magical times, going to choose the dress, helping with some of the decorations, an emergency dash to find some wedding wellies when snow was threatened, and the event itself was just brilliant. I have the photos to remember it by, and I'm so pleased I stopped grumping!
Even more pleased as my son died about a year later, and we had that magical time together as a memory to cherish.
I hope you find a way of managing it all.

My DH has a theory: the more lavish the wedding, the shorter the marriage. Not a lot of help, sorry! Obv joking, but we are both appalled at the amounts some people are prepared to spend for one day of their lives. If £30k is an 'average' spend, then people who spend those amounts must either be seriously wealthy or daft. The money could be saved for a deposit or furnishings for their home. The wedding industry is huge these days, with stag/hen parties to match: someone is making a mint out of it!

We had no stag/hen stuff back in '73 when we got married. Registry office, reception at home with food prepared by my mother and brothers...wedding dress made by my mother....my posy was flowers from the garden...our wedding rings cost £4.25 each (the most basic gold bands ever!) Our daughters don't 'do' weddings or marriage so it won't be an issue for us.
Totally agree with sodapop that the emphasis seems to be on one day in a couple's lives. Counter-productive, and sad.

My first was married abroad, we offered to pay for for part of the holiday and reception. Including our travel and weeks holiday in came in at around £4000. I suppose the whole thing may have cost around £10000. The next one was a simple wedding here. we contributed £3000 for the reception and bought the dress for an exorbitant £3000 (it was worth it. I had such a wonderful time helping choosing the dress. We made it a real ladies mission the most important female relatives came to all the viewings. The whole thing came in at less than £10000. The last one was very elaborate and as I listened to my son talk about the increasing cost I took him to one side and said we’ll contribute £5000 anything over that is up to you and our DiL parents. He was more than happy with that. I believe it came in at around £25,000. None of our three asked for a contribution but we felt that we wanted to help with the costs. Our own wedding probably cost less than £150. As long as your not being asked for money I’d leave it up to them. I love weddings and have the most wonderful memories of my children’s weddings. I wish the same for you. Enjoy

If arrangements/bookings are at an early enough stage that they can easily amend their plans without feeling they are losing face to friends and family I would be inclined to try to have a tactful chat about the cost. You could maybe try something like picking one particular item they've mentioned that wouldn't be too sensitive ( eg the cars but not the dress?). You could say you hadn't realised how expensive this item was these days and it made you think about the total cost and whether you could help them more financially. You realised , however, your budget wouldn't allow that, so you wondered instead whether you could spend some time helping them to source options for some items that might be cheaper as you know they have limited time to do this since they are both working.... You could maybe also say you don't think family would be offended if it was a slightly smaller wedding and they're not all invited ( assuming invitations not out yet)...
If it's presented as an offer of help, they hopefully wouldn't be offended and if they seem unwilling to consider simplifying things, at least you've tried and you can just not say any more about the cost and help them with their plans.
I hope it's a great day for everyone when it comes.

One factor some couples take into account is that the more guests, the more presents, and most gifts are money these days! It seems very mercenary, but I think the average gift is about £100, and many people give more. Obviously the reception costs are per head, but lots of the other costs are the same whether small or big wedding- dress, flowers, music, honeymoon. I actually heard that if you have enough guests you can break even, or make a profit?

I had 2 weddings - the first in a side chapel at Westminster Cathedral, where my ex had helped out and the second at Kendal Register Office. I knitted my first wedding dress/cap and my godmother threaded 96 yards of baby ribbon through holes. We had about 12 guests and the whole thing, including a night for my mother in a central London hotel and the reception cost less than £500. The second my MIL made my dress and the bridesmaids' dresses as well as the cake. I bought a cheap summer floppy brimmed hat (as I remember about £20), my FIL who lived in the Netherlands did the flowers and acted as chauffeur. A family friend with a local favourite restaurant did the reception at cost (I suspect actually less than cost!) for 12 guests and we went to FIL's flat just outside Amsterdam for a 5-day honeymoon. In short, two weddings costing less than £1200, including DH2's wedding suit, made to order and he wore it for the next 8 years for work and other special occasions. So not necessary to pay much, even now.

Personally, as more couples end up divorcing and either re-marrying or co-habiting, I think it's an utter waste of money. 24 hrs, a white virginial dress (lol) and a day which is more for show than any meaningful promises.
It's even more ridiculous if neither bride nor groom were/are regular ( or even irregular) attendees of the church.
Marriages nowadays are more about the legalities than anything else.
I laugh when I see brides shrouded in white, surrounded by his and her children, begotten years prior to their wedding and even acting as bridesmaids/pages. There are often arguments before during and after the event and fights are not unknown even in the best of circles.
A 24 hour pantomime.

DH actually walked out of our house to stay at his mothers for days because I told him it was unreasonable that HE should choose my wedding dress.

Is a groomzilla a thing?

dil scoured E bay when my son and her were married, lots of bargains to be had (only used once !) ie cufflinks for groom and father and best man etc may be worth sugesting a look x

muffinthemoo, it doesn't sound like your marriage got off to a good start . I hope it's improved.

So many couples these days want an alternative wedding, without religion and at very exotic or grand locations, so times have changed a lot. I have friends who have paid for very expensive weddings, then a couple of years later it’s all ended in divorce. My daughter opted for Central Park in New York, then we all travelled up to the Lake District for my eldest son, now my middle son is just in the planning stage. They all ask my opinion, but once it’s given I stand back and let them decide. I think a lot of us are just so practically minded that we just keep thinking what else could be bought with all that money !

I think it would be nice to hire a dress, have hair and makeup done, and have photos taken. Maybe with a life sized Action Man as the groom as I don't have a partner. Just nice to swan around like a princess for the day.

18 yearsago my son had a really big wedding at a lovely hotel in this country, followed by a dream honeymoon in Mexico. However, on their return he was straight on the phone to me ( I live 200 miles away from him )
Begging for a loan as he was unable to cover the cost of the honeymoon,probably because he had 'maxed out' on his credit cards. I did help him out and he did eventually returned the money, but as a couple they always overeached themselves financially and are now divorced. I can't advise one way or the other but this may give you food for thought!

My GD spent a grand total of £340 for her wedding. It was in a registry office which was beautifully decorated, there was a reception, food was a fish n chip van parked outside won in a competition, photography was won in a competition, and she got her dress from a charity shop, and it was stunning. Her biggest expense was the DJ.
The ten bridesmaids all wore different colours, & got to choose whatever they wanted to wear...it looked much nicer than if they had all been coordinating, and my gd just wanted everyone to be comfortable!
The best bit was that asked if anyone wanted to buy them anything or to give a gift, could they make the check out to the charity of their choice.
My GD said she always hated the idea of giving out a list to people telling them what they wanted, she said it felt rude to her, & she would rather be surprised and have the gift mean something.
Everyone paid for their own drinks, and were told we could bring our own food if we didn't fancy anything cooked and it was the nicest wedding I have ever been to. (Much nicer than even my own daughters wedding, who had spent a blooming fortune having everything posh and matching! lol) It was so relaxed, no worries about debt afterwards, and they had their honeymoon the year after when they had saved up.
It goes to show that you can have a beautiful wonderful wedding without going into debt for years on end. :-)