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AIBU expect my friend to leave her dog at home?

(147 Posts)
Grandma70s Tue 14-Aug-18 20:21:39

I have a friend who never goes anywhere without her dog. My problem is that I don’t want dogs in my house. She doesn’t seem to think it’s possible to leave the dog at home when she visits me. As a result, I don’t really want to invite her. We don’t see each other very often anyway (she lives about 20 miles away), but it would be nice to meet occasionally.

Do people think it’s impossible to leave a dog alone for a few hours?

Luckygirl Tue 14-Aug-18 20:29:02

I am with you all the way on this. Your house, your rules.

I have a SIL who always brings her dog with her, even though she knows perfectly well we do not want them here. Even when she is asked not to she brings it with her and then starts a sob story about how unhappy it will be if left in the car. I absolutely agree with her about that and do not like to see any creature suffer - but it is down to her for bringing it with her in the first place.

If you invite her again you will have to be clear that your invitation is not extended to the dog!!

MiniMoon Tue 14-Aug-18 20:29:07

My dog was really good when left at home. We always tried to leave her for no more than four hours at a time though. Every dog is different, perhaps her's pines when left. I had a friend who had to take her dog everywhere as it destroyed the house when left by itself.

rubytut Tue 14-Aug-18 20:35:39

If she has the dog with her at all times it probably could not be left now without getting distressed. Could you meet at a dog friendly pub?

FlexibleFriend Tue 14-Aug-18 21:26:23

I have dogs and never take them to anyone else's house and I make it plain that I don't want them bringing theirs here either. Mine have been taught to settle when I go out. If she really won't leave her dog home alone can't you visit her or meet halfway at a dog friendly cafe or tea room.

sodapop Tue 14-Aug-18 21:30:45

I know people like this and really don't understand it. I think it's quite rude to inflict your dog on others in their home.
Before the dog lovers jump up and down, I have three dogs and would not consider taking any or all of them to friends houses.
They are happier at home with their own beds etc and are not left for more than four hours. If we intend to be out for a longer period we arrange for someone to let them out and check they are ok.

agnurse Tue 14-Aug-18 21:54:03

She has the right to decide that she's not comfortable leaving the dog alone, but you have the right to decide that you're not having the dog in the house.

Grandma70s Tue 14-Aug-18 21:55:34

I’m grateful for the sympathy! I can't really visit her any longer, because I don’t drive and can no longer use public transport (it’s in any case a very awkward journey), so I am more or less stuck at home. I use taxis, but not usually for twenty miles. She can drive, so it’s much easier for her to visit me.

I used to have cats, and when I had visitors I always shut them (cats, not visitors) away or put them outside, unless I knew for certain that the visitors liked cats. It seems to me to be common courtesy not to inflict pets on other people.

Chewbacca Tue 14-Aug-18 22:09:22

Completely in agreement with you on this Grandma70s. I don't particularly like dogs and especially don't want them in my house. I had a friend that I invited for a meal one evening. She brought the dog with her. She insisted on feeding the dog, from her plate, by dropping bits of meat onto the floor. The worst bit was when she ate her dessert and then offered the dish to the dog to lick out before putting it back on the table when it had finished. She never came again. Urgh.

Feelingmyage55 Tue 14-Aug-18 22:18:00

Could your friend visit on a day with a good weather forecast, sit outside and have coffee. She could walk the dog for half an hour and come back for a second cup.

lemongrove Tue 14-Aug-18 22:23:03

Our friends with dogs always leave them at home for the day, they are quite comfortable in their own surroundings there is no need to treat them as accessaries.

gillybob Tue 14-Aug-18 22:30:37

Oh Grandma70s you could be writing about my sister . She refuses to go anywhere that doesn’t allow dogs and my DH is very allergic but she still insists on turning up at our house with the dog in tow. We arrange family meals ( my dads on his own) and she changes the venue to somewhere she can take the dog. She feeds it under the table. We usually take my dad away for a long weekend at the end of September but now she will only go/ stay somewhere that she can take her dog . It’s getting beyond a joke now.

BlueBelle Tue 14-Aug-18 22:34:54

I m not a dog hater but no longer have any pets and I m happy that way I ventured with a friend for coffee in what turned out to be a dog friendly cafe and was astonished and dismayed to see a bull dog sitting on a chair at the tables slobbering , a big dog being fed a bacon butty on the owners plate, dogs being given tea out of the saucers I made an excuse as soon as my coffee was done and I ve neve4 been back and won’t
I don’t blame you at all grandma

Chewbacca Tue 14-Aug-18 22:36:30

Another one that feeds their dog under the table??!! Oh gillybob, it's horrible to be sat eating a meal and have a dog licking the floor and slobbering over your feet isn't it?

lemongrove Tue 14-Aug-18 22:39:39

What’s wrong with these people, why don’t they have a cat instead?!
( puts tin hat on and hides behind the sofa) grin

Chewbacca Tue 14-Aug-18 22:49:30

I'll join you behind the sofa lemon.

merlotgran Tue 14-Aug-18 23:03:44

We're dog lovers. All our friends and family have dogs but the only time somebody turns up at our place with their dog in tow is when DD2 and her family visit with their Jack Russell. We bred him and he's a delightful dog.
Well, I would say that wouldn't I? grin

DD1 lives next door and has a chihuahua. Dirty little b**ger only has to step inside the door and it sh*ts on the floor. hmm

SpringyChicken Tue 14-Aug-18 23:22:24

It's sad that people restrict their lives by being shackled to a pet. Grandma70s, what on earth does your friend think will happen to the dog if she leaves it for a few hours? I think she needs the dog more than the dog needs her.

Chewbacca Tue 14-Aug-18 23:28:43

In my friends case, it very much restricted her life SpringyChicken. Her dog was such a damned nuisance (very badly behaved) and she flatly refused to go anywhere without it, that even her family stopped inviting her to join them at their home. Such a shame, because she got the dog in the first place because she was a bit lonely, and it ended up isolating her even further.

SpringyChicken Tue 14-Aug-18 23:43:46

And what happens when the dog dies, Chewbacca? It must feel like the end of the world.

Chewbacca Tue 14-Aug-18 23:58:10

Ah, well that's where it all went a bit Pete Tong SpringyChicken, because it was my friend that became very seriously ill. She was so ill that there was no way she could care for the dog and so, for a short while, it went to stay with a friend who had a dog and young children of their own. But it bit their children, and their dog, and generally made itself totally unwelcome by it's bad behaviour. And it really wasn't the dog's fault; it just hadn't been handled well from the beginning.

Dolcelatte Wed 15-Aug-18 05:19:24

Can't you just meet in a dog friendly environment such as a pub or cafe? Or doesn't she have someone who can keep an eye on it for a few hours, or is she alone and the dog her only companion? Otherwise, I think you have to accept that if it's a choice between you and the dog, the dog is always going to win, unfortunately. Or maybe she is using it as an excuse to avoid meeting, if she is not a very close friend and can't be bothered to make a 40 mile round trip.

I love my dogs, but I can't imagine taking them everywhere, even to other people's houses without a specific invitation.

Grandma70s Wed 15-Aug-18 06:25:14

She’s not a very close friend now, but we go back a long way, to schooldays, and it’s nice to catch up now and again. I don’t invite her. It’s usually her suggestion that she comes here.

She isn’t alone, but her husband is much older than she is and disabled. I’m not sure that he could, for instance, feed the dog or let it outside if it needed to go.

She just worships the dog, and finds it hard to believe that anyone would be indifferent to it. She once said to me “I don’t how anyone could look at that face and not love it”. I can’t say it’s badly behaved, but it’s big (a golden retriever), hairy and a bit smelly, though she;
is quite unaware of that. If I ask her not to bring it, she makes me feel very hard-hearted, and she is the sort of person who takes offence easily.

I think on the whole I’m going to be hard-hearted and just say I’d be glad to see her, but definitely not the dog. There’s always the phone. She may never speak to me again!

ChaosIncorporated Wed 15-Aug-18 07:35:39

I wholly agree with sodapop
I also have three Horrible Hounds and would not dream of taking them visiting, other than to DD1 whose elephant of a dog has inexplicably been my spaniels most adored canine friend since they were puppies together. DD1 is also the only person who visits with her dogs....and we both cheerfully put up with the rampaging play, because it is a mutually agreed choice.

It really makes me quite cross that people create separation anxiety in dogs, with this "can't possibly leave it" behaviour. It is entirely the owners fault if they train a dog to be constantly in company, and then the poor thing barks incessantly or is destructive on the inevitable occasions when it must be left.

Sadly, most owners of that sort seem to be completely irrational on the subject so I think it will be a case of offering your friend a straight choice, OP.... no dog, or no visiting.

harrigran Wed 15-Aug-18 07:45:49

We do not allow dogs in our house but it has never been a problem because our friends would ask first. One friend was travelling from Scotland to Yorkshire and called in on the way, he was happy to leave his well behaved dog in the secure rear garden.
DH is allergic to cats and dogs.