Wedding woes

I think you just have to let it go or it will spoil the day. It may not be what you would choose but just go with the flow.

Surely gifts are freely given. However, if they are friends who are friends of the family and have known your daughter all her life or a long part of it, it would be courteous to invite them to the wedding.

I was quite shaken when my future mother-in-law invited some work colleagues to our wedding when neither my soon-to-be husband or I even knew their names and had certainly never met them. That was particularly difficult too because the Registrar's Office was quite limited for space and I come from a huge family, some members of which had to be left out until the reception.

arwen , I do sympathise with your feelings, as I struggled when DD's wedding was organised.
My daughter was very inclusive about sharing and discussing plans, and it does sound as though your daughter is also keeping you firmly in the loop even at this early stage.
What came as a shock was that - in this day and age - it is the young couple who call the shots. Very different to my day, when my mother made all the wedding decisions ("we are paying dear, so its my right!") and had a handful of our own friends there, against literally dozens of parental friends and distant family; there were people at my wedding that I had never met before!

Despite the inclusivity of planning, there was no question that the guest list was non-negotiable. The only friend allowed was her godmother. Cousins of mine were actually left out in favour of friends of the couple.
I have never had to keep my lip more firmly buttoned.....because there is no point in causing an argument that is likely to affect relationships ever after.
Contributing to the costs doesn't buy controlling rights, and we just have to live with it.

What I would say is that not making a fuss can pay dividends. Have a quiet word with your daughter to ask if x & y could attend if there are declined invitations. Set the seed of being fully supportive of their choices, and they are much more likely to be considerate of your input further down the line.
No wedding choices are worth a family rift.

It sounds to me that your daughter dislikes your side of the family in general which is a shame, like you I would be quite upset by this petulant attitude.
If I really wanted just 2 couples who are friends to come to the wedding it would be unreasonable for her to refuse.

From a potential guests view, if I weren't invited to a wedding these days, I would think Phew!

I think the best thing to do considering how early a stage plans are at is for you to reconsider the size of your contribution to the wedding.

Right now you feel you are paying for a wedding and not getting what you want, and I fear this will only lead to yet more conflict.

It will be easier for both you and DD if she pays and makes the decisions.

Pick your battles Arwen250 Talk to your daughter about the friend or relative you particularly want to invite then leave them to it,
Be careful things don't escalate as wedding planning is stressful all round, I agree with other posters that your monetary contribution should be without strings.
pensionpat how I agree with you.

I can understand arwen. When family is small friends, particularly long standing friends, take their place.

We had a similar but different experience. A huge family and a tiny one. The ceremony and meal was full of brides parents work colleagues as well as family. The evening guests were all the brides choice. The difference was we could invite everyone important to us so although we felt seriously outnumbered and to be honest overlooked there was no resentment. I know I’d have felt unhappy if we hadn’t been able to have those who had known our family since childhood with us.

Perhaps your daughter will be able to see your viewpoint if you can chat unemotionally and when you are both relaxed. If not then just smile and keep quiet, don’t let this spoil either your relationship or your enjoyment of the day.

It seems a little strange to have given the money so far in advance of the wedding but by doing so you have given them the means to have the wedding that they want.
I notice that you mentioned * when we look at venues and when we ....* why not just step back and save yourself the grief.

When I skim read the title, I thought this was about wedding shoes...

Good advice, ChaosInc Bite your lip and go with their choices rather than risk a rift which could last years. Best of luck

Why worry about it is it that important...just enjoy their day as they want it.

Its going to be very difficult not to say anything at all for 2 years! Its apparent your idea of your daughters wedding is not hers but with so much time beforehand could you sit down and talk to her about your feelings in a calm straightforward way. You are asking for two friends who have known her since childhood to see her married it seems little to ask. I agree with just sticking with what you really want. Word of warning you may find the next thing is she doesn't want Dad to give her away as she is a grown up adult woman! this follows on from doing their own invitations by the way. Good luck.

I'm so glad that I didn't ooen my mouth to offer anything outlandish.
Weddings are...well, overrated. Thousands of £££s, often 10s of thousands and all to celebrate a union that was (in all probability) consumated years before and has already produced issue.
Reading many posts here, it seems that multiple marriages are more normal 2/3/4...why? Do the vows mean so little that one can repeat them ad infinitum?
Back to the OPs question, I think that having freely given so much money (and well ahead of time) that she will just have to bite the bullet as far as invites go. A shame and I don't agree with cousins of distant cousins being on the list to the exclusion of the OPs friends but unfortunately, it's a lesson learned, if nothing else.
I hope they are still together in 2020 otherwise it's a waste of money.

weddings are often booked two years in advance because that’s the only way the bride and groom can ensure their venue is, or may be, available. It’s also become the norm for their parents to say at an early stage whether and how much they’ll contribute. As a parent of three daughters, I’m relieved it’s no longer expected the brides family pay for and organise it all.
All the young couples I know marry in their thirties, they’ve lived together because the first priority is getting on the housing ladder.

To make clear * 'offer anything outlandish' in the way of huge sums of money when my children got married.

I have an illustration of that precise point as a few years ago my dh and I were asked to our dil's 'big' birthday at our son's house. We were told that we would be going out at some point, so I assumed it would be for a country walk as they don't do big parties, and wore a plain winter dress and boots and my big coat. I did have my hair done. I knew that her parents would be there and possibly her brother and family. I made some salads as my contribution and picked up a little bouquet, a bottle of champagne and a balloon to give our dil. Her mum made a birthday cake. Her brother had illness in the family, so it was just two sets of parents who arrived. We were all having a chat when they suddenly said they had an announcement to make. I was overjoyed at the thought of their engagement and then our son said ' we're getting married '- pause-' at two o'clock today!'
My dh had to scrape me up off the floor, but we absolutely had to go along with it. They had decided against a big wedding, and although in many respects it was strange, it was wonderful as well. A colleague of mine said later that she had two sons, and that if they did that she would 'kill' them. But it was their day, their decisions. My only regret is that we didn't get very good photos as we were still in shock, but even that didn't disturb our son and dil.

A lot of people here saying that it’s their wedding, perhaps if that’s the view, they should pay for it in its entirety themselves, and then they could do exactly as they like, and no one could complain.

We have a massive family; we don't have a family tree, we have a forest! SIL has a very small family. When DD got married, they could only have 30 people to the Registry Office so had agreed they would invite 15 each which meant that my daughter could only invite her parents, step-parents and siblings. She was fine with that but her husband to be was torn between not having his friends because it wasn't "fair" on his bride not to have hers and not wanting to give up any of his invites because it wouldn't be "fair" on him.
They came round to discuss it with us as they knew we just wanted them to have what they wanted but I can remember saying to them (as we did the circular argument for the umpteenth time) if you can't work through this without such arguments, are you sure you should be getting married? Quite frankly I gave the marriage 6 months!
May I suggest that you congratulate the young couple in finding a way through the very precarious journey to get their perfect wedding.

I think that weddings can be very tricky these days - so many expectations of all concerned. Is the reason that you feel that the groom's family is getting "priority" is that the immediate family is bigger?

I am seeing similar problems occuring in a young relative's wedding that is currently being planned. There is no easy way out of it. The groom in this case simply has more close relatives as he is one of 6 children while the bride is one of 2. They already have more than 100 on the guest list,

Do you want both sides to be allocated the same number of tickets like a football match? I can see this might be considered "fair" - but on the other side it could lead to your side inviting distant relatives/vague family friends whereas the other side cannot include all siblings with families. These days most couples would want to prioritise their own friends rather than their parents' friends who they rarely see.

I think fewer couples send out "traditional" invites in parents' names these days - especially when the couple has lived independently and done most of the wedding planning. Why does this upset you?

It is not an easy task - but I would be wary of starting a family rift over a wedding.

Re the invites:

It has always been the tradition, and is still considered the correct etiquette, for the invitation to be issued in the name of those hosting the reception, ie the ones who are paying for the wedding.

This was once commonly the bride’s parents and therefore the invitation was issued in their name.

Currently, most couples foot the bill themselves and therefore issue the invite in their own names as they are the hosts.

Leaving OP’s specific issues aside, if the bride’s parents do not pay, there is nothing “traditional” or “correct” in their being indicated on the invites to be the hosts of the reception.

Disclaimer: we paid for all of ours and I personally met most of that cost. Had this exact fight with my own parents whose contribution was zero but actively inflated costs.

I still don't understand the obsession with big weddings.
The money that our son and his wife saved went into a deposit on the house and they didn't have any arguments about who to invite. Admittedly, I would have liked a slightly more prepared wedding, but I will always remember it!

the trend for the bride and groom to issue the invites is now a common one and one that you just have to go with! I can't say this loudly enough IT'S THEIR WEDDING! You are supporting them by helping to pay for it (presumably as you have a daughter you knew this would happen one day??) so just back off and button it. You'll enjoy the day far more if you don't stress about it!

I don't think it's expected that if you have a daughter one day you will pay for a wedding any more, is it?! Neither my sister or me ever got married so my Dad got away with no wedding costs and my daughter earned more than any of us before she was 25 so there was never any expectation on her part for me to pay anything - she would have been appalled at the very idea ?

We divided the bills according to how many guests each family invited, except for the church which was halved.

I did ask my DD if we could add a cousin of mine to her wedding invite list who she did not really know..it was really to represent my mum's side of the family at the wedding who all lived a distance. She was perfectly happy for that and said that if there were other people I wanted to just invite them. As it happened her aunts & uncles on her dad's side chose not to come (they are quite elderly) I could have asked a great number but it was their day and they wanted her friends and close family.. & quite right too!