Wedding woes

Me too Flowerofthewest and Iam exactly how I feel It’s their day not mine and especially if they re grown and flown and earning more than me
My kids never even questioned it they did their own organising their own paying and I fitted in as mum if the groom or bride
Money shouldn’t be used to buy places round the table Diane it should be given with NO strings or else it’s not a gift I don’t think the daughter has been disengenerous at all just wanting to do it her way and so she should

OOOOh this is a tricky one. We are just going through this with my son and his partner. Her parents are very wealthy and have given them the same amount to spend on their wedding as her sister was given. They informed us that only their siblings,their children, partners and grandparents would be invited. No Aunts or uncles on either side but 100+ friends are coming. As long as they are prepared to explain their position I am fine with it. It really isn't worth the arguments. They have also asked one of my close friends and one of my friends daughters and her family who live near them and they have become close to. No evening guests only - the wedding is not close to their home so this is impractical!!

My son is a total control freak about the whole event - he wants me to make a speech but only if he can approve the content before hand!!

I decided at the start to leave it to them to avoid any conflict but make it clear to anyone who asks that any decisions are theirs and DH and I are not involved.

Arewen, I do feel for you no one likes to feel taken for granted,but I think you should just let it go
I think That’s even better if the invites are from the Bride & Groom it absolves you of any responsibility for who is invited. If any friends of yours are not invited you can easily explain why, I’m sure they will be happy to cheer you up with your own ladies evening chatting over a bottle of wine ( or 2) best wishes relax & enjoy. ( even if gritting your teeth???)

If distant cousins on the grooms side are being invited and not Arwens friends then I'm sorry. No. not good enough. Why do parents have to always agree to save relationships. Why not the children?

For the life of me I can't understand why anyone would plan a wedding for two years' ahead. Such a long time for bad feelings to fester, misunderstandings, tension, non-stop talk about table settings, etc.

I feel sorry for you Arwen - you're understandably a bit peeved and will be for the next two years!

My DIL and her family arranged my DS's wedding and the guest list. Some of our family were there, but not all. Some were invited but didn't come. Personally I had a lovely day and I didn't do anything. Arwen you have my sympathy it sounds a nightmare.
Muffin there must have been some funerals otherwise how was anyone "disinherited"?

I think I'd have to say something, like 'We didn't give you all this money to entertain people we've never heard of', because that's the issue really, isn't it? Otherwise, it will fester and come out after the wedding when it's too late to do anything about it.

I wonder if your DD is agreeing to everything her in-laws to be are asking, to keep the peace? I don't think it's un reasonable at a wedding for most of the guests to be friend of the bride and groom, with family invites restricted to very close family, and maybe a few more distant relatives.

This reminds me why I had a very small wedding - there was such a scope for rows with my mum that keeping the guest list tight seemed the best policy!

If your gift of money was given without conditions, it's too late to start bringing them up now.

Btw, this thread is not only on Facebook for Gransnet but also for Mumsnet.

trisher oh that auntie passed a away a couple of years ago. Many relatives had been promised her estate in full but told to “keep it quiet”.

It came out on her death she had left the entire lot to her hairdresser ? The drama at the funeral was incredible.

(I cannot for the life of me explain what it is my family has about hairdressers.)

Well we were allocated a set number of guests as were the bride's parents and we drew up a list in order of priority , obviously close family first. Hardly room for any friends as we are a big family. The couple theselves were inviting friends too of course. Seemed fair to me. Gone are the days when bride & groom's parents invited lots of their own friends and distant family and quite right too . It's the young couple's day!

PMSL muffinthemoo sorry but you do make me laugh...
Am I wrong or are you a young person? I seem to have it in the back of my mind that you are not a granny? But maybe got it wrong. Either way, I love reading your posts x

I am guessing 'auntie' was quite a character? Maybe she was laughing at the mayhem she left behind?

Agnurse, you had a lot of support from your family, Arwen hasn't, so different scenario. I do think Arwen, that you have to let it go and just enjoy the day knowing you have enabled you daughter to have her dream day. Have you no family,just you and your husband? If that is the case, I am sorry, I am sure your daughter would understand you wanting your friends closest to you there, however at the end of it's their day, if it was me I would want you to have friends with you, but everyone's different and it's not worth bad feeling. Looking at Megan and Harry's wedding,mix thought it sad that Megan just had her mom there out of her big family.

I dont think it is reasonable for a woman in the 21st century to expect some antiquated rules to apply.

If they want an expensive wedding they should pay.

oldbatty and BlueBelle have to say I agree with you both. Has Arwen come back at all? Not sure if I've missed it but I don't understand how money has been passed over so early (other than maybe a deposit for venue perhaps?)

IF you have given your daughter money up front Arwen then ...so be it! Personally I would have stepped back and seen just what your daughter wanted and given her money appropriately or as you deemed fit?

I would never ever feel like it was years ago...when parents of the bride called the shots. Yes, you can 'ask' if certain people can be included but not be offended if they say no.-

In fact I got married in 1979 and even then I decided who was going to be invited and who wasn't so it isn't just a new thing exactly.

its like the dowry system isnt really? and being 'given away'

I'm clearly a bossy mother according to these posts.. I must rethink......

My parents paid for most of our wedding but that's because they WANTED to do that. We are six kids but only two girls and my sister and BIL had a very simple wedding which they paid for themselves. Our family wasn't able to attend. This was my parents' only chance to be able to organize a nice wedding for one of their daughters. We didn't have it super extravagant though. My parents didn't dictate the guest list to us.

annep One step forward is recognising it lol. You asked why parents had to make adjustments to save relationships and not children? Probably because it is THEIR lives and not ours? possibly?

Too may parents - mother's in particular - feel they are top dog...always. My mantra is ...do all you can when they are children then let them fly! Job done! Leave them to whatever they choose to do.

Doesn't mean I will be treated as an under dog or be blackmailed. I can function without them and let them get on with whatever they want to do (whether I agree or not is another matter but I keep my own council)

Result is...I am rarely stressed by my kids and they come back to me time and again for advice/support. Never any fall outs. Sometimes it IS hard accepting our children are adults and do not need us any more but in my experience they ALWAYS need you - just in different ways. No need to dictate or shout the odds eh?

Both my sons are married, the youngest just last week and both families and also the bride and groom contributed equally on both occasions. The guest list was split equally between bride and grooms family , we had those we had to invite and then those we would like to , anyone else had evening invites only, you simply cannot have everyone unless funds are unlimited!

Weddings will always cause friction but we said if family and friends cannot just be happy for you and understand then maybe they shouldn't be on the guest list anyway, just go with the flow and enjoy the day thats the important thing

Also bride and groom Sent out the invites on both occasions, I think it's the norm now , it is their day after all

I think this is all a bit sad really. How we have come to value wealth and show.

Bluegal, you hit the nail on the head for me. I have really struggled over the last six years to keep my opinions to myself about our son's choices, especially with his minimalist ideas regarding his graduation, his wedding,
and not christening our little GS. My DH has kept his own counsel. DS has never wanted any grand spectacles, yet we have all shared some really special times. I now feel glad that they don't feel pressured to do things in the same way as everyone else. That is what weddings have become - a huge pressure to have it all - my two nieces had very grand affairs, which were eye-wateringly expensive. I read somewhere that when your children are small you give them roots, but when they grow you give them wings, hopefully to fly and not follow the crowd.

A big wedding may not be practical moneywise, but it's a romantic 'dream' for many, especially young women. If a big wedding is important to someone, its value becomes subjective.

The core issue here is that the OP has given DD a generous amount of money to make her dream come true. In light of all the invitations going out , afew extra places should not be lot to ask.

Yes - you are right about the core issue, but the point I am trying to make is that it should never have become an 'issue' in the first place. The romantic 'dream' of many young women these days is usually based on some skewed idea that comes from seeing it on social media. Truly romantic occasions, I think, come from the unexpected, not what has become the norm. I think oldbatty is correct. Why do we place so much importance on perceived wealth and status? Especially when it causes so much grief.
Who is the wedding for? Is it the young couple or is it the assorted relations, friends and any hangers on? If you hand over money like that it will be spent, and not necessarily on what was intended. I haven't got much sympathy there. But if the money was to buy a house or for the two of them to travel the world I could understand. I think the older generations should be encouraging the younger to break free of the materialistic attitude that dominates life today.

Who was it who said Phew I'm not invited
That would be me. A dear friend whom we've known since our kids were small, apologised yesterday that we would not get an invite to her DD's wedding.
I hope she knows that I am truly not offended. Its not just the cost but it is the couple's day.
I will give them a present because I want to., but thank heavens I don't have to get an outfit or pay for accommodation.