Wedding woes

There's nothing like a wedding to bring out this sort of behaviour. What should be a joyous day can cause so much angst, who to invite being the main cause of annoyance. If I were you I think I'd just grit my teeth but perhaps make a polite suggestion such as, 'I'd like to invite Uncle Fred and Auntie Wilma' or whatever. I understand your unhappiness but do you really want to cause a ruckuss?

I would tread very carefully here, as if you hurt or offend your DD and her fiancé it may completely ruin your further relationship with them.

These days most young people plan their wedding themselves, and it has probably never occurred to them that you felt family friends should be invited.

You could mention to DD that so-and-so will be very disappointed at not being invited, but that is really all you can do.

I would try to accept the situation gracefully, so as not to jeopardise your future relationship with the young couple and any GC who might come along.

people my mother insisted on inviting to our wedding, edited highlights:

- her hairdresser’s entire family including her mum

- her friend she had disowned fifteen years prior

- a grandmother who had disowned me

- an uncle who had disowned my father

- a friend of my grandmother whose surname was not even known to my grandmother and who subsequently turned out to have died but granny had not mentioned this

- her nail technician

- the practice manager of her GP surgery

- an aunt who had disowned her and subsequently disinherited her

people my MIL insisted on inviting to our wedding, edited highlights:

- a relation by marriage who (unaware of our distant family ties) had threatened me to my face with violence at my workplace including finding out where I lived and firebombing my home, and who had been warned by the police to have no contact with me

- the son of the above who would “probably” be out on parole by the date of the wedding

- a great aunt who was at that time sectioned under the Mental Health Act

- various aunts and uncles who had been informed by her I was a “whore” and refused to even look at me all day as a result

- four priests, none of whom were the celebrant

- her hairdresser

- a person from her church group who had been expelled from the church group due to allegations he had molested children, which she stated were “lies”

This, dear friends, is why the bride and groom get final say on the guest list....

I m with the poster that said what is it with these big weddings
I think to be in a state of flux two years before just because you ve got to have a popular venue is totally beyond the pale and why should they have a traditional wedding because you want it that way Arwen it’s not your wedding you had your go
My parents paid for my wedding (very unpretentious) because I was young (20) and only just started out in work My own children were all in their late twenties and been earning for years and lived with their partners so it was up to them to organise and pay for their own (I was a single parent)I gave them a present of small amount of money
It was their day not mine I didn’t expect to have any input or any of my friends invited I gave my youngest daughter away on her request that was scary ( I don’t do speeches)
It s all so superfluous and materialistic now If I was a young person nowadays I have the smallest wedding I could manage possibly somewhere warm ....all these expectations are tearing families apart and why pay £20,000 or more just for ONE day I just don’t get it
Anyway I hope you can all calm down and be a bit less involved and have a lovely day in two years time

Weddings!

A friend was initially upset by the wedding plans because her only child married someone with 11 siblings, so with their spouses, children, aunts, uncles, etc, that side of the wedding party made up a HUGE proportion of the guests. No suggestion at all that the numbers might be ‘evened up’ a bit. My friend paid for everything, and decided to just let the happy couple do what they wanted.

On the plus side, her only child has been welcomed into a large and welcoming family of siblings, cousins, etc.

They had a large (ish) post wedding party, at Christmas, in their home later on for people who didn’t go to the wedding. It worked very well.

Do hope that all goes well for you. ?

For my wedding we had hundreds of relations on each side and, traditionally, we invited them all and my DPs paid for the reception. OH and I organised everything, with no help offered, to the point that I was completely overwhelmed by it all. I invited a few of our close friends too but would not have dreamed, or been asked, to invite any of DPs friends to the reception, although one or two did attend the church ceremony (plenty of room in the churches then for passers-by to sit in). And even though we arranged it all, it wasn't my type of wedding (small ceremony and a takeaway would have been mine) and I have very few happy memories of the day. Do help them as much as they want/need, but let them do what they want so they have a lifetime of wonderful memories.

I am from a very wide extended family. There were 100 guests at my wedding which comprised of 6 of DH's relations and 4 of his friends. The remainder were my family, a few family friends, some people who worked for my father (I'd known them all my life and they were like extended family) and a group of my friends who had at that time become DH's friends too. No one minded. DH's father and grandfather were in poor health and could not accept the invitation. Everyone had a great time so no problems with the guest list.

Congratulations on your daughter's upcoming wedding!

Regardless of who foots the bill, in my 'universe', it's the bride & groom (not the parents) who decide how big a wedding and how many guests they can afford to invite.

The size of the guest list is usually governed by the size of a budget that has to cover all the other wedding expenses.

Say they decide to invite 250 guests. Divide that number by two and each side would be allowed to invite 125 friends/family.

Bride or Groom (at their own discretion) usually share a portion of their allotment with their parents. Usually 10% for each set of parents, depending on the size of the guest list. This is so Mum and Dad can reasonably invite some of their friends that aren't family. Ideally, if the guest list totals 250, each set of parents would be allowed 25 guests...... or approx. 10 to 12 invitations.

Either side can always 'donate' guest slots should they end up with more than they need.

I do hope this helps

It's for the bride and groom to choose who they'd like to invite celebrate their day.

I feel the true meaning of a wedding - the joining of two people, and their immediate family- has been lost in the rush to have the biggest, showiest spectacle possible. A close relative of mine was a wedding photographer for years, and his pictures were lovely, but he always said that the most extravagant weddings brought the worst out in people, especially once the drinking started.
Now the drinking starts well before the event.

Arwen when my DS & now DDIL married, both sets of parents contributed to the wedding and the couple made up the difference. Wedding invitations were sent out with the wording: Together with their parents X & Y would like to invite . . .
We had very little to do with the organisation, we made certain they knew we were happy to get involved when they wanted or needed us.
There were a lot of guests who the couple invited themselves, family on both sides, a few of our friends who had been around for most of DS's life, ditto for a few of DDIL's, the rest of the guests were their own friends - it was a joyous and wonderful wedding. I wish you, your DD and your future DSIL the same.

Muffin, I'm fast thinking you should blog or start writing a book!

MagicWand “How Not To Get Married” or “Two Weddings, Sadly No Funerals”?

Its their day not yours and they should do the inviting and you should just let it go and enjoy the day when it comes.

It amazes me just how many parents are still paying for their 'childrens' weddings. Couples these days more often than not have lived together for years...have children. Often have more income than their retired parents. None of my adult children expected me to pay for their wedding. I did make a contribution towards catering or drinks. They have grown up with absolutely no sense of entitlement. (Ducks from rotten tomatoes )

Snap Flowerofthewest. No expectations from any of mine either, we made a contribution that was the same as the other set of parents, that seemed fair. It's their wedding, they pay, get to plan and we get to go and wear a hat (if we wish) and enjoy their special day.

Phew Iam64. It does begged belief these days

At my first wedding I didnt even get to invite my best girlfriends. Although my parents were paying for almost everything the reception was being held at MILs large house and garden. Surprise surprise! There were quite a few friends of MIL at the wedding. Yet my Mum hadnt been able to invite all her sisters and husbands. Luckily now the only wedding I am likely to be invited to are those of my grandchildren . If I am invited I shall accept graciously and hopefully enjoy the day. I think these bloated over impressive weddings are a bore. My niece's wedding last year was a lovely country affair paid for by the couple themselves and the reception was in the village hall. Far more enjoyable than the ones held at fancy hotels where they are mainly out to impress

Oops! That should say weddings as I have a lot of grandchildren.

As countless people have already said: it is their day and they should have what they want. True, to a degree.... but that doesn't mean they should hurt their parents feelings in the process. They are getting what they want because you are helping them financially and they should remember that. You are not trying to hijack their wedding plans, but they (especially your daughter) should be more thoughtful and considerate of your feelings regarding such an important day in your lives as well as hers. You are her parents after all and should be consulted about the guest list, not dictated to! A wedding is after all a family occasion.

Please don't be offended by my criticism of your DD and future SIL, it is just the way I see it. If she were my daughter I would not hesitate to tell her how I felt. If she loves you she will understand (hopefully) and be a little more flexible and thoughtful with their plans.

Traditionally the bride's family paid for most of the wedding costs in the days before couples started living together. As such the parents had quite a lot of input to the guest list and invitations being sent. I think if you have already set up home together and planning a wedding there should not be any expectations of financial help from parents, nor should parents feel obliged to offer it. As has been pointed out, many couples like to arrange/ plan their own weddings and send their own invitations out. You can"t have your cake and eat it.....so if you choose to be a modern couple, you should,nt have the expectations of an old fashioned wedding when it comes to who is paying for it.

Reminds me of the Amy MacDonald song which includes the phrase

"But it's not your day no more"

and generally tells of generational expectations. Worth a listen

Perhaps, as in our family, the parents' friends in question had 'been there' since the children were born, and were better known than some of the relatives.

We had a similar issue at our wedding. My husband has a large family whereas mine is quite small. My parents contributed towards our wedding and felt this entitled them to dictate pretty much everything about it. One demand in particular was that they be allowed to invite 20 or so friends. With venue numbers and costs, this meant I was only able to have 4 friends there for the day and a few others came along in the evening. Although I didn't allow this to cause any ongoing issues with my parents, it definitely spoilt the wedding for us. If I were you, I would let them choose who is invited.

I would actually be quite put out by her mean attitude after having been given thousands of pounds towards the day. I would think I have been generous and reasonable whereas she is being mean and ungrateful, wether I would make a big issue out of it practice I'm not sure.
However if in future she came back asking for a deposit on a house I'd plead poverty and send her away, families work on a combination of good faith and tolerance and in my book she crossed the line.

Nickit1987 But the parents arent just contributing. They're pretty much covering all the costs.
I'm with Happysexagenarian and Jananana on this.
Also its not just the happy couples day. Its a family occasion. always has been and always will be. Some things dont change.
I would not have jumped in so quickly in offering to pay so much- but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I would not cause a huge row but I would insist on having some input. I think your daughter must know she is treating you wrongly. And that you don't agree with what she is doing. I think you should say something. Its not being aggressive to say what you think/feel.