Gransnet forums


He chucked my stuff out!!

(58 Posts)
spabbygirl Sat 08-Sep-18 10:18:20

I had a lovely dog bed, green with flowers on from Jules & like a Sanderson fabric. I loved it but it did get tatty, the stuffing was bursting out of the seams, but I knew I could fix it when I had my sewing machine out. That is a palaver when you live in such a small house as this, and my mother has just died so I'm busy doing probate etc. I knew the dog bed was bugging my hubby, so I said I wanted to keep it & would repair it sometime. A few weeks later I said if it was bugging him would he put it in the garage if it was still annoying him. I came back a few days ago to find it not there, and hubby explained he'd put it in the bin a few weeks ago so it had gone to the tip. I'm furious and I've told him I don't want to live with him if he's going to keep chucking my stuff out. I am so cross with him I don't want to talk to him about anything other than essential stuff. We buried my mum yesterday, and I just feel so numb everywhere. AIBU?

Eglantine21 Sat 08-Sep-18 10:23:14

His house too.

Actually I think you need some help. Please try to find a bereavement counsellor. ?

MissAdventure Sat 08-Sep-18 10:27:24

You've just lost your mum, so your emotions are probably all over the place.
Possibly your husband thought you had enough to contend with?
My condolences to you; its a difficult time. flowers

midgey Sat 08-Sep-18 10:46:18

After loosing your mum your head will be all over the place. In reality you can go and buy a lovely new dog bed, it isn’t about the dog bed. flowers .

Luckygirl Sat 08-Sep-18 10:51:02

I agree - get a nice new dog bed. It sounds as though it had had its day.

So sorry to hear about your Mum - a difficult time for you.

Nonnie Sat 08-Sep-18 11:08:47

When we unexpectedly lost someone very close it changed me completely. I no longer see things in grey, they are black or white and I won't put up with stuff I would previously have tolerated. Life is too short. This being so I'm not so sure that it is a simple matter of a dog's bed. It may be that he has to have his own way all the time and this is just one example that has tipped you over the edge.

Think of something he likes and you don't and ask him how he would feel if you threw it away. It is clear to me that the bed had sentimental value to you and he has, at the very least, been insensitive.

Try not to do anything drastic for at least 6 months while you start to get over your loss but then decide what you want to do if this sort of behaviour continues.

I do know what a hard time you are going through and if you are not getting the support you need please contact one of the charities which help the bereaved. flowers

spabbygirl Sat 08-Sep-18 11:15:48

Thank you so much all, maybe it isn't about the bed, but I really expect to be able to leave my stuff when I go out and not have it chucked out. Its a good plan not to do anything for 6 months or so, I might need some help with grief at some point, but now I just feel so tired and numb. I guess I just need sleep and rest. I'll pop back later.
Thanks all, smile

mcem Sat 08-Sep-18 11:23:06

Can't help wondering if this was a one-off or if he makes a habit of it. If he does it frequently I would make a fuss. If not, then perhaps you could admit to yourself that because you are going through a difficult time you might have over-reacted. Maybe he just made a mistake and regrets it.

Jalima1108 Sat 08-Sep-18 11:23:37

I'm sorry to hear about your mum spabbygirl; I do expect that your emotions are all over the place at the moment and that small thing just tipped you over the edge.

It's just a dog bed and the sight of it was probably driving your DH crackers.
Where is the dog sleeping? I hope you can find a nice new bed that both you and the dog like.
Sounds like your DH is in the doghouse though - but I would wait and see how you feel when you are feeling less emotional about your bereavement.


Melanieeastanglia Sat 08-Sep-18 11:23:53

I am very sorry for you regarding the loss of your mother.

You say this incident makes you feel as if you no longer wish to live with your husband. I don't think you should make life-changing decisions on the basis of this one thing. Perhaps he has thrown things out before - naturally, I don't know.

How does he treat you in general terms?

I really do wish you all the very best.

Perhaps, as other posters have suggested,

Melanieeastanglia Sat 08-Sep-18 11:25:43

Sorry, I accidentally posted too fast. I meant to say - perhaps, as other posters have suggested, you should leave it a while before making a decision regarding your marriage.

BlueBelle Sat 08-Sep-18 11:50:20

So sorry to hear about the loss of your mum
A bit cryptic I can’t live with him if he keeps chucking my stuff out
Is this one too many is he always throwing your things out?
Are you a bit if a hoarder keeping things way past their sell by date ?
Do you still have a dog if so what is it sleeping on now?
I think you need to concentrate on yourself your mums probate so let it go for now
Really an old tatty dog bed is not something to lose your lifetime partner over is it?

OldMeg Sat 08-Sep-18 12:25:36

I totally agree with you OP. You made your wishes quite clear and he acted in a very high handed manner.

I think you should move your dog into your bed as he has now lost his and chuck hubby out.

So sorry to read about your mum though xx

glammanana Sat 08-Sep-18 12:48:00

Your emotions will be hightened after the loss of your mum,please accept my
On a much lighter note make your OH pay for a top of the range doggy bed for your pooch and takes no excuses from him.

Iam64 Sat 08-Sep-18 12:51:27

Condolences, the loss of a mum is really tough.
It may be 'his house as well' but chucking something away when asked not to, especially if the something is safely stowed out of sight is unkind.
Grief does send our emotions out of kilter. Don't make any hasty decisions in the next few months and be gentle with yourself and those who love you.

suzied Sat 08-Sep-18 13:08:10

You were obviously attached to the tatty old dog bed, but your OH saw it as in the way and chucked it. Im a bit of a "chucker outer" and my OH a bit of a hoarder, and I'm afraid I have chucked some of his stuff out ( after several ultimatums). Fortunately he does realise its only stuff, and has actually started to declutter his old paperback collection and various ancient textbooks. Agree your recent bereavement has meant you feel a heightened attachment to your things, however, if there are other issues in the relationship with your OH maybe they need to be addressed a little way along the line.

annodomini Sat 08-Sep-18 13:32:24

It seems that you discovered the dog bed was missing a few weeks after your OH had thrown it out. What had the dog been sleeping on for all that time? A dog bed made out of such up-market fabric does sound a bit OTT.

Jalima1108 Sat 08-Sep-18 13:52:12

My DH gets anxious if I threaten to throw out his old pullovers which have small holes in - but he loves them, horrible old things.
I'm afraid if they look too bad, I put my fingers in the hole and rip the jumper apart then dump it in the bin.

Jalima1108 Sat 08-Sep-18 13:52:58

Poor dog, hope he/she has a new bed.

luluaugust Sat 08-Sep-18 13:55:10

So sorry about the loss of your mum , it sounds as if everything is too much at present just give yourself time. Of course your OH shouldn't throw your things out but as it had got as far as the garage perhaps he thought he was helping out tidying up. Unless there are other factors involved you can't really chuck him out over an old worn out dog basket can you?

mumofmadboys Sat 08-Sep-18 14:27:10

Sorry you have lost your mum. Ignore the dog bed incident and think about it again in a few weeks. You may then decide you want to discuss it with your OH or you may decide in the scheme of things it doesn't matter. Rest amd have some me time.x

Blue45Sapphire Sat 08-Sep-18 17:17:51

Ooh, I'm afraid I've been on the other side. DH was a terrible hoarder, every magazine, every paperback, every screw, nail, off-cut of wood. I used to move a few magazines at a time from sitting room to study, then if he hadn't missed them after a few weeks to the recycling bin, well hidden at the bottom! I did the same with about thirty years worth of VHS tapes of home recorded programmes - he didn't miss any of them. He was exactly the same with old holey jumpers that he had had since before we were married (in 1972!); I too have made holes bigger and blamed it on the moths! Funnily enough I have not done much clearing out since he died earlier this year....

spabbygirl Sat 08-Sep-18 18:27:52

Love it Oldmeg - shall chuck hubby out and replace with dogs!!! Great idea Glammama! He will sign up for a top of the range dog bed straight away! Love the other answers a great mix of the fun and the true. Usually DH is a kind, sweet man but I will not have my stuff chucked out without my consent and he is jolly sheepish now and has just forked out for a new - top of the range - clothes rail for me, a new dog bed is next on the list. I do like having pretty things around me & I harbour ambitions of dealing in antiques & he could be chucking out all my stock! I know I am grieving and subject to especially cranky ideas so I won't do anything drastic but he has to know there are some things up with which I will not put!!! Thanks all, for bringing a bit of normality to me, I meant to say, we have 4 dog beds for our 5 dogs who are rather spoilt and loved and will be moving onto DH's side of the bed if we have a repeat of this incident!

Jalima1108 Sat 08-Sep-18 18:31:40

The first thing that one of DD's dogs did if he had new bedding was to shred it
Hope yours doesn't do that!!

spabbygirl Sat 08-Sep-18 22:39:29

Oh what a mischief!!! Mine do it eventually, but straight away is awful! I don't suppose they realise though.