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AIBU for being angry?

(161 Posts)
Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 14:13:47

My partner and I are looking after his elderly mother who can do very little for herself at the moment. I wash her, dress her, cut up her food as well as everything else she 'orders'. I have made myself ill looking after her, we sleep on an air bed in the lounge whilst she has our bed and I have a chronic pain condition called reflex sympathetic dystrophy which is causing me a great deal of pain. I was taken to hospital myself a couple of weeks ago because of it but quickly discharged myself after a scan and some more tests as she had nobody else to look after her (she will not allow my partner to dress her which is understandable)

I received a phone call from the surgery to ask me to make an appointment because the Dr wanted to discuss the results of my scan. I made the appointment and it wasn't until later I realised that the Dr I was seeing was male (my partner is a bit weird about me seeing a male dr). I discussed it with my mother-in-law and she said I should just not tell him about it not being a female Dr, the Dr wasn't going to examine me, just discuss the results and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. I agreed and didn't tell him because it was easier than trying to change the appointment, yet when I arrived at the Drs I received angry texts from my partner as she told him about the male Dr as soon as I left.

This has caused massive arguments between my partner and I and I admit I told him she was just causing trouble and 'stiring it' which has understandably made him even more angry.

I will be honest I am at the point I don't want to look after her now. I get no thanks from her whatsowver, she just sits there expecting everything to be done for her. Before this betrayal I didn't mind too much about the lack of gratitude but now I wonder why I made myself so ill for her when she acts like this.

Am I being unreasonable, should I just 'suck it up and get on with it?

lemongrove Tue 30-Oct-18 16:43:21

Must be exceptionally tiny!

Baggs Tue 30-Oct-18 16:43:27

In your position, suedonim, I'd be terrified of being accused of deliberately trying to starve her to death and I would get outside help. I think she needs to be in hospital.

Day6 Tue 30-Oct-18 16:54:11

Suedonim, does your MIL's GP appreciate how underweight she is? I hate to say it but all sorts of accusations of mistreatment/starvation etc, could be laid at your door if she carries on insisting you cook for her.

In my opinion you are being manipulated by both your husband and MIL. You have every right to be angry.

A stern talk with both of them is long overdue. You are the victim of emotional blackmail and control. Please look after yourself and get this situation sorted out, even if you have to become a lot more angry. My thoughts are with you.

Fennel Tue 30-Oct-18 16:54:26

" I think she needs to be in hospital." Me too.
Who does the house belong to, Sue?
That could be a complication if you do consider leaving.

Luckygirl Tue 30-Oct-18 16:55:46

My GM was that weight in her lat years. She eventually died of a pressure sore. Anyone that thin needs some careful nursing to avoid that.

lemongrove Tue 30-Oct-18 16:58:02

May I point out ( as she isn’t here) that the OP is not SueDonim but a very similar name.

Luckygirl Tue 30-Oct-18 17:13:23

Yes - I spotted that too! Coincidence?

Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 17:15:48

It is not a cultural thing at all he has a real hang up about male Drs being a bit well, inappropriate when examining a female. I know it's weird and I am not trying to defend it. He is controlling in many ways but I think it is possible that it is the way he was brought up by his equally controlling mother, I honestly don't think he knows how be in a normal relationship, again I am not defending his actions just trying to understand them.

Baggs, yes 3st 7lb I know it's sounds unbelievable but she is the size of a 7yr old. The nurse could hardly believe her weight when she was weighed either. She has a condition where she breaks her bones very easily and as well as being very fragile they are also very light, it's called osteo genesis imperfecta. This is why we are looking after her as she is very frail and has quite a few broken bones.

We were told last year that if she didn't put any weight on that she may not make it. After 3 months of me looking after her she put on nearly a stone and she went home to her house for a while. Then she started to lose weight again and became frail and breaking bones again and now we are in this situation.

She insists she is going to go back to her own home eventually but even if she does the cycle will just start again and we will be back here in a couple of months.

FlexibleFriend Tue 30-Oct-18 17:33:47

You're an adult, what Dr you see is up to you it has nothing to do with your partner. Why did you feel the need to discuss it with her it's none of her business either. Act like an adult and those around you might treat you like one. |If he wants to kick off let him look after her himself.

annodomini Tue 30-Oct-18 17:37:20

I feel that HQ should be more careful about such a strong resemblance between two names which has confused a number of us in this thread.

Writerbird Tue 30-Oct-18 17:41:36

Suedomin, you say she has refused all available help so you have to do everything.
That is simply not true.

This will sound harsh, but there is an alternative.

Take care of your own health and wellbeing and leave her to take the consequences of her own decisions. You don't have to suffer for them.
I do not believe that any human person is entitled to drive another into the ground to meet their own needs.

The situation you describe is completely untenable and it can only go on happening if you agree to it. You don't have to do that.

I want to ask, do you have reason to be frightened of your husband?

May I suggest that you have an absolutely frank talk with your doctor or a social worker about your situation and ask for help for yourself.

ffinnochio Tue 30-Oct-18 17:44:07

Lots of good advice on here, and in answer to your question, yes, you do have a right to be angry.

You also have a right to take the bull by the horns and take charge of your life, for goodness sakes.

Dodgy username by the way!

Baggs Tue 30-Oct-18 17:51:39

Thank you, lemon. Apologies for my mistake.

Squiffy Tue 30-Oct-18 18:05:52

Sue It sounds as though you are being manipulated by both your partner and his mother.

I agree with others. It's time to hand over the reins to someone else regarding the care of the mother, and to seriously consider parting company with your partner.

My ex-H was the same regarding doctors, though I just ignored him, but it was yet another symptom of a very deep problem that he had. A partner's control can be a very insidious thing and it's not always obvious until you go your separate ways.

My life was totally transformed after I, finally, plucked up the courage to end the marriage.

Suedomin Tue 30-Oct-18 18:09:43

I apologise for the name, I had no idea that someone else here used a similar name.

Cold Tue 30-Oct-18 18:50:40

Your partner and MIL are treating you very badly. Your partner sounds very controlling and unreasonable in attempting to prevent you getting medical care - you are an adult and can make your own decision - you need to protect your own health as carer nurnout is very real.

Do you have anywhere you can go for a few days (family or friends etc) so that you can get some proper rest and leave your partner to sort out his mother's care

Elegran Tue 30-Oct-18 19:15:47

I was confused by suedomin being the almost-identical username to SueDonim too. It has no capitals. There have been posts by someone with a capital S and D. Is this the same poster or another? Does the domin bit refer to domination?

I really do think that HQ should intervene and forbid names that only differ from regular posters by a couple of letter being transposed, particularly when their first post presents with such an intractable and memorable problem.

Jalima1108 Tue 30-Oct-18 19:19:14

I was confused for a minute or two as well then remember the other - original - SueDonim uses capital letters in her name.
Perhaps it may be an idea to ask for another username suedonim in case posters confuse you with her.

Does the domin bit refer to domination?
I think you're supposed to say it quickly Elegran grin and put the emphasis on the sueas in pseu

Jalima1108 Tue 30-Oct-18 19:20:39

Down to three and a half stone and still alive!
Sadly, I had a friend who used to go regularly under five stone (and she was more than 5') at which point she used to be hospitalised.
None of us knew about anorexia in those days.

Baggs Tue 30-Oct-18 19:22:03

I really do think that HQ should intervene and forbid names that only differ from regular posters by a couple of letter being transposed...

Ideally, yes, but it would require much more sophisticated software than GNTech appears to have at its disposal.

Jalima1108 Tue 30-Oct-18 19:24:24

it's called osteo genesis imperfecta
and yes, I had another friend when I was a young girl (school age) who had this.
I am surprised that your MIL has survived to old age, though.

Izabella Tue 30-Oct-18 19:25:44

......' however it is much easier to say walk away than it actually is

If you really want to then you will. Perhaps you are not ready/worn down enough yet. This is not a flippant remark. I have done it in the past from a totally different situation. It is possible for all of us to make excuses and rationalise but ultimately we can make decisions to change our lives, even if at times it seems impossible.

Good luck whatever your decisions.

Elegran Tue 30-Oct-18 19:28:20

I am surprised that she is under family care and not hospitalised. This is not a situation for home nursing, even by the most dedicated daughter-in-law! Get professional assistance at once whatever she says.

BlueBelle Tue 30-Oct-18 19:29:15

I agree wholeheartedly I didn’t realise there were two people involved until it was pointed out that should not be allowed Not your fault Sue2nd
sue you do not need to placate this controlling man and woman Anorexia is a disease of control too You are doing too much it’s best you live with a guilty conscience that run yourself into the ground
You ve been given good advice by most on here now you need to follow it
You don’t mention loving this man and however hard it is the freedom of leaving can’t be worse than being an unappreciated slave How dare he tell you who to see and how can you meekly follow Think carefully beyond what you have been thinking already

JustGrandma Tue 30-Oct-18 19:32:46

This is appalling. You are being controlled, manipulated, bullied and abused. I read your post and wanted to scoop you up and rescue you and hide you somewhere, but I completely get why you feel you can't leave.

This control and manipulation has clearly been going on for years and it produces a condition called 'learned helplessness' which is very difficult to reverse. You may not be in a position to leave immediately but do you feel you can start taking little steps towards it? What I mean is - do things like squirreling some money away, thinking about where you could go if you did leave? Are you able to support yourself? Do you have an independent income? Do you have a friend you can talk to about your home situation who may be able to help you by stashing a suitcase, even if you don't use it in the foreseeable future? Do you know how to access your local women's refuge? If you start thinking about these questions as if they are a real thing that is going to happen, you may start altering your mindset. You may feel a little more in control of your own life, that another way is possible - and it is YOUR life, not theirs to control. I do appreciate how hard it is though. Please, please realise you have a choice. Gosh I'm feeling so emotional about this. Big hugs to you.