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Nobody Wants Her

(109 Posts)
GrandadGarage Thu 06-Dec-18 15:17:02

Hello,

This will be a long one,...

My daughter is 25, always been the black sheep of the family, a bit wild, lovely deep down but prone to wandering the wrong path.

She gave birth to our grandaughter almost 4 years ago, the Father was little involved; been in and out her life a little but into drugs, always getting raided so it all stopped.

We had the priviledge of our grandaughter living with us for 3 years, we saw all the "firsts'; smiles, teeth, crawls, steps, words and so on until she moved our with her Mum to start a new life with her Mums new partner who idolised them both. Nice family home all settled and happy, we knew they both did a bit of social weed nothing heavy.

In the summer it all changes, the lad moves out and on the same day another lad rolls in, the weed intake goes up, the house stinks; police get involved as it's a fesity relationship... he moves out and they're on their own... house becomes very unkept, daughters new best friend is on licence for dealing and her partners inside before long they're working a strip club.... before long other seedy things going on then she drops this girl...

In the meantime visits to the Father start up again until his house gets raided and my daughter gets a call from social services who then become very interested in her lifestyle and start arranging meetings with her and with us and we can't lie we were open and honest, we knew she was doing massive amouints of weed and doing coke and falling asleep while the little one was in the house because she'd been up all night so we won;t lie for her and we told the social, another member of our family were concerned and also reported her... a month ago she goes into escorting..... we stepped in a suggested our grandaughter lives with us hoping it would jolt her, nothing else has.. incredibly my daughter seems to agree.

So we feel devastated, the fathers made no effort and doesn't want her, the mother can;t be bothered with it all but undeniably loves her..

We adore her, do we want to take her on full time, not really, we've done all that, will we ? 1000% of course, this poor little girl tells us she loves her mummy and daddy it's ripping me and my wife to pieces; we idolise this little girl and feel so so sorry for her the two main people supposed to protect and care and give her a stable home won't do it we've practically co-parented her for 3 years its heartbreaking...

Sorry for the rant..I suppose i'm just getting off my chest, feel angry but also worried sick for our own daughter..maybe someone has experience of this type of thing, anyway thanks for listening.

Sara65 Tue 21-May-19 09:32:34

Well I can’t pretend we’ve had anything like your sad and difficult problems, but we do have a dad like your little granddaughters. He’s horrible, let’s her down time and time again, I agree with you grandad, what is wrong with them, that they have so little interest in their lovely children

silverlining48 Tue 21-May-19 09:49:40

I can understand you feeling sad GG but i think you have done the right thing. Its awful and very damaging for your gd to be continually let down.
I was a cp social worker but retired over 15 years ago so things will be different now but do suggest you keep the authorities informed of whats happening and also that you keep a written record of contacts with the father and any threats he makes in case you might need it later.
Good luck, you are doing a grand job giving that little girl the security all children need. Well done to you both.

Iam64 Tue 21-May-19 10:25:30

You did the right thing. Here’s hoping for some peace and stability for you , your wife and grandaughter

DoraMarr Tue 21-May-19 10:40:34

You and your wife are lovely grandparents. I hope and trust that your grandaughter will grow up to be as caring as you are.

Sb74 Wed 05-Jun-19 00:43:58

I think it’s the right thing to do, taking your gd, but personally I would also want to help my daughter if I were you. Why is she behaving like this? You can’t ignore your daughters situation. I don’t think your gd would be pleased as she grows knowing you didn’t help her mother too. I also think the best thing is for the child to have a relationship with her mother too but in a formal and legal way. I don’t agree you should keep the child from your daughter.

grannyqueenie Wed 05-Jun-19 04:53:29

Grandad George, I’ve only just seen this thread, huge respect for all that you’re both doing to ensure your that little gd has a secure and happy future.

It's clear that you care greatly for your daughter too and will have done all you can over the years to help and support her too. But much as you love her your daughter is an adult, albeit one who is making unwise choices in her life.. Choices that cause you great sadness, choices that mean she's unable to put her little girls need first. That little girl is the most important person in all of this and you and your wife are doing what your daughter cannot do - prioritising your gd needs over all else. Alongside this you are working hard to maintain a positive relationship with your daughter too, encouraging her to see her little girl etc.

It’s such a hard road you're having to walk, I hope the SG order goes through with no problems and you are able to access all the support you need in sorting out other issues as they arise. Wishing you and and your wife well with it all

Starlady Wed 05-Jun-19 08:20:57

Just discovered this thread, GG! My heart goes out to you, your DW (dear wife) and your little GD! Bless you and DW for taking GD in and giving her a stable, loving home. I haven't had this experience, myself, but have seen many GPs online who have, as well as some IRL (in real life), and I admire you all.

I'm glad DD was willing to let that happen, also. I'm sorry about the life she has chosen, and I know it must hurt you and DW, but I'm glad she let you have GD. Also, I'm sorry she lies and says she has "lost custody" of GD. But I imagine that's b/c she's embarrassed to admit she gave her up so easily. The fact that she still sees her, takes her out, and "spoils her" suggests to me that she does love her in her way, but would rather play the role of a sort of much older sister or favorite aunt than an actual mum. Besides, a child just doesn't fit into her chosen lifestyle, and I'm glad she realizes that.

Regardless, I don't think you should ever let her come and live with you (and I doubt she would want to b/c of the different ways of life). There's too much risk of her disrupting the stability you've given GD. Plus, if Social Services decides GD should not be living w/ her, they might take GD out of your home. IMO, your priority has to be GD now. Unfortunately, this is the situation DD and the dad have created.

Speaking of the dad, I agree that you did the right thing. GD should not be subjected to so much confusion and disappointment. As for his abusive comments and accusations, I would ignore them. Iv heard/read that this is common in these situations. He's really trying, it seems, to avoid facing his guilt and irresponsibility. He also may be trying to bully you and DW into dancing to his tune. Kudos to you two for not giving in to that!

Mostly, I'm glad the SGO is progressing and wish you, DW, and GD the best! I hope life works out for DD, too, even though it probably won't be in the way you or I would want.

GrandadGarage Wed 12-Jun-19 10:46:39

Hi,

thanks for the messages sb74, GQ & SL.

So we are nearly there, references all checked, DBS finished and last documents signed, final court hearing 2/Jul which we believe is a formality, there's a tinge of relief but also a tinge of sadness as our Daughter wants to now start overnight visits for our GD to her which is a huge challenge - she wants to hire apartment style accommodation which is genuinely a lovely idea but she has some way to go to allay our concerns.

The saddest thing of course being she is trign to claw back what she gave up.

GD is happy, preparing to go from Nursey to infant school, ah I want to keep her as she is and never change shes so lovely and happy right now... Anyway my wife made some friends already at an open night people she half knew, and they're arranging some play dates as our GD outside of nursery doesn't really have any friends.

Our lives are filled with love and warmth... and sleep...we're tired smile

thanks for all the messages, we are blessed with your kindness, shared experiences and guidance

x