Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

You seem a bit more calm now you've let it all out on this thread and your other one regarding the baby's food Lavazza.
Sometimes it does you good to vent and get feed back from others, even if you are no further forward with everything.
It's been a big upheaval for all of you but I think that in a few more weeks you might feel differently about it all.

@GabriellaG54 thankyou! I have no idea about the airfare but assumed they had already booked it? No we don't have a spare car. My husband and I share a car and he uses it for work- I manage by walking/ public transport. They have not paid for food. It has been me doing the cooking, washing etc mainly, though my son has done some laundry and they have both cleaned up the highchair after meals and done some washing up.

@Buffybee I didn't agree to keep them! I agreed to buy things they'd need because they obviously couldn't bring much on the plane...and then because they were jetlagged and she was miserable, I didn't want to bring up money too soon. My husband is going to sit them down and talk to them about money. I don't want to do it because he is better at this sort of thing. My son is 25, he has BTEC and a year of a degree, so basically a foundation level certificate really in terms of education. Certainly he would have been in a much better position if he had continued with and completed his degree.

@sharon103 I'm not sure if I'm hard enough to do this, but if pushed hard enough I will be!

@Jalima1108 I agree with you and wish they would take responsibilty for his diet, but they never have because her parents did it.

Also...when I told my friend that they said in China the groom's parents buy a house and a car for them, she laughed like a drain and said "send him to his Dad's" So, when he came home from the job centre today and told me that they said he had to ask for loans from friends and family, I asked him when he was going to see his Dad. I didn't comment about it, but told my husband and have no intention of handing over any cash. They can get a budgeting loan anyway, if they are short of cash. I'm not THAT stupid.

Do not give up your job. This is his mess and he can clean it up. If they are living with you rent free, that is enough. Stop buying them things, they think that you are a cash cow. Not good. I agree with "they are not the boss of you, so stop acting as if this is your problem" Love that. Keep working.

@GabriellaG54 Yes I do feel like I'm being threatened a bit. I have decided not to tell them how upset I am and not to show any emotion because I don't want to give them any power. That's why I am writing about it all here instead. What I am doing is keeping them all at arms length and getting on with my own stuff. I don't want to bond too deeply with a baby that may be used as a ransom and taken away when it's not provided.

@moonbeames yes I have stopped buying things. My son actually stormed out of the house the other day because I said he needed Vicks and he asked me if I had any and I said no. I am not giving them any explanation, but have simply stepped out of the game. They can wonder why I am distant, but for my own sanity's sake I don't want to tell them how I feel and give them power. I would prefer to keep them wondering what the hell is going on with me!

@M0nica I don't get the "trophy" thing either...

Thanks Tillybelle, it helped to read that!
I like what you said and I like the broken record method
I'm well aware they may be using the baby as a bargaining chip, so I'm not spending much time with him and leaving all the care to them.

Lavazza1st
Thanks for replying.
I must be fair and tell you that I didn't think it was a real situation.
I couldn't imagine a son (and I have 5 children (men and women) 10 GC and 4 GGC) actually expecting a parent to fund all their living expenses plus hinting about a car and house.
Much as we love our children, we sometimes don't like their attitudes or agree with their expectations but we need to negotiate carefully if we still want to see our grandchildren. It shouldn't have to be that way but sometimes it's the only way.
I can only commend you for opening your home to them, knowing they can't make any meaningful contribution but please, don't allow yourself or your husband to be edged or cajoled into making promises or offers that you're not comfortable with and might later regret.
It's sometimes very difficult to say no or refuse a request, especially if the request is couched in such a way as to make you feel guilty by saying no.
No can be the hardest word but then honesty is always the best policy and we all have to swallow the odd bitter pill in life. It makes the happy times all the sweeter by comparison.
I wish you all the very best in your efforts to help your son and his family whilst hoping you bear in mind that helping himself is the best way for him to learn the responsibilities he has brought on himself.
We value the things we work for much more than those laid at our feet.
Take care.

@GabriellaG54 Thanks so much. I really wish it wasnt real and can only think his preferential treatment in China has made him this entitled. Also he lived with her family there and they did do everything. I will be saying no a lot, I think

Lavazza - I'm wondering what your son did between school and university, I thought he was only about 21, is the young woman 25 too?
Vicks cost quite a small sum, can't he even find money for that, and is it ok for a toddler?
I hope you are able to enjoy being with your grandchild at least some of the time. The little boy is so innocent and quite oblivious of the difficult situation his parents have got themselves into.

@Elrel you can buy a baby version of Vicks. I woulnt think it costs much. He found money to go to Mcdonalds today so I'm not too concerned.
Thankyou, yes he is and I hope so. I feel sorry for her parents who must be missing him and aware that if they can snatch him away from them and bring him here then they dont honor that bond. My son did 3 years of college and a year at uni - the girl is the same age and has a degree but cant legally work

Thanks for response. Just take it day by day and don't forget to get some rest yourself!

Lavazz I relied to ou on other thread in similar vein re taking out emotion! Good luck! [

You need to suggest the happy couple move out and find their own place.

They have only been here 2 weeks?

What do you expect in 2 weeks? They arrived jet lagged and tired expecting a welcome from an excited grandmother. You offered for them to live with you until he got a job. Now you are being very hostile and appear to dislike your son and unkind to your grandson by standing on your principles of not buying Vick which you suggested he needed it. All after 2 weeks?

I am sure your DH can talk with them better than you and hopefully improve relationships.

You want to try moving countries without a pre arranged job and get everything sorted in 2 weeks.
Sorry if I sound hard but I have moved countries.

anjela the OP was an excited Grandmother waiting to welcome them but has had the wind knocked out of her sails.
Her Son and family arrive with nothing and have no idea how to look after their baby, by not allowing him solid food, keeping him up till 11 at night, expecting child to play on his own and chastising OP when she tried to play with him.
Son is entitled and is behaving like a brat, hinting that he expects them to buy him a house and a car.
The child's mother has been very hostile towards the OP and seems as though she wants nothing to do with her and doesn't seem to be happy or want to be there anyway.
The fault lies with the idiot Son, arriving with his wife, who can't look after the baby properly as her family did all the child care and with no money and no job and a bad attitude.
I would be absolutely fuming.

I couldn't buy him Vicks as I was looking after my Father who was really upset after a funeral. If my son didn't demand it at that moment and was willing to wait an hour or two then I could have. I have MANY family members relying on me, including one with dementia.

No, I don't want to try moving countries and I wouldn't ever get myself into that situation! I am pleased to see Grandson but don't feel able to be the Granny I would like to be.

Thanks so much for all the helpful posts. I have probably been an idiot to allow them to come here at all. I was so happy at the thought of finally seeing my Grandson that I may have let emotions cloud my judgement.

I have read everyone of the posts so know what the Op is saying, I also looked at her other post.

Labazza you were not prepared for the difficulties of having them live in your house. Including homesickness of your DIL and different cultural norms.

I think we all find being a granny is a learning curve.

Please, the situation is as it is, so I hope you DH can bring some understanding to both sides feelings and you can all work together to find the best solution taking into consideration there is a child in the middle of all this.

send him to his Dad's" So, when he came home from the job centre today and told me that they said he had to ask for loans from friends and family, I asked him when he was going to see his Dad.

Is your DH not your son's father, then?
If not, perhaps his father may be willing to help - does he know they are here? He would want to see his grandson surely?

It's a pity your DIL cannot work as she could probably earn good money as an interpreter or teaching Mandarin and could probably have found work very easily.
Your son could have stayed at home and done the child care.

The rules and regulations are quite stupid sometimes.

@Jalima1108 No my husband is not his Dad -hes been his stepdad since he was 8 and we always encoraged him to see his Dad. He used to regularly see him until his ex gf said his Dad was inappropriate to her when Ds went to the bathroom. I have never known if it was true or if the gf just didn't like him and made it up to separate Ds from his Dad. While he was in China he did tell his Dad that he had a baby but his Dad was more interested in the new baby his wife was expecting. So unfortunate!

@ajanela I've never been a Granny before and to become Granny to a 17 month old that I've never met beforeis really exciting. He's a lovely little boy, but his mother isn't friendly or making any effort to be. I always thought she would be more friendly and happy to be here, but if I had known how sullen and difficult she would be , I wouldn't have been willing to put them up.

DH loves playing with Gs and we had a nice time tonight looking after him and playing while DS had a bath. Ds asked his son if he wanted to go and find Mummy and he shook his head so Ds asked us to play with him while he prepared for a job interview tomorrow. I can hardly believe DIL is not more supportive to DS or making more effort to fit in, but teenage son said wisely she's like our semi feral cat and we need to give her time to come to us Sometimes that boy surprises me! I think he's right though.
Maybe I just tried too hard ...I am calming down now and learning to be more laid back.

I like your teenage son’s comparison to feral cat ?.! The whole move must be a big shock to her and leaving her alone may best option for now.

I see you’re still posting on both threads- may be easier for you, and anyone else following your story, if you only post on this one from now on, avoids duplication. There doesn’t seem to be any way for Gransnet to merge 2 threads.

Good to hear that your GS is settling and eating well now. Eggs are great for children if they’ll eat them (read your post on other thread). You seem to be engaging better with your son now too.

You’ve mentioned feeling sorry for other grandparents- can you encourage your son to Skype/FaceTime them to show what GS is doing? Or because of time difference maybe just send photos or video clips. My grandchildren are in another country and I almost prefer video clips of them doing interesting things, to live chat which often seems awkward. You can rewatch the videos.

It's certainly true that Chinese men's parents are expected to provide homes / raise the grandchildren, but that only applies in their culture. With men being in over-supply, it's hard for a man to find a wife, so he has to show himself to be able to support a wife and family, and his parents make sacrifices to make that happen.

But the other side of the coin is that , as the parents get older, the son and his wife will support his parents in their old age .

Your dil and son can't just expect you to take on the role of the Chinese family . They've left China, and can't expect to take advantage of Chinese customs now .