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Daughter is not talking to me

(150 Posts)
Oldandpastit Wed 13-Mar-19 17:47:02

I am new on here, but I am looking for some advice. I have arthritic knees and shoulders and now find things much more challenging than I used to.

My daughter has two children aged 10 and 13 and she has just had a total hip replacement, unfortunately she has had one or two complications but she is now at home. She lives around a two hour drive from us.

The difficulty has been that her father and I have both had colds and haven't been to see her. It has been six weeks now since her operation, and she is very upset and feels that we don't care. I don't think she is even speaking to us now as I haven't from her in a few days. She has accused us of never being there for her.

Last year she broke her leg in an accident, and admittedly we couldn't see her, as we had booked to go to Spain on an extended holiday, and we didn't see her in the end. She ended up having surgery on her leg, and she seemed to be managing even though she lives rurally and couldn't drive anywhere for six weeks or maybe it was eight weeks, she has nice friends that helped get the children to school I think.
I explained I couldn't cancel our trip as I had promised my sister we would be there. In any event we have never had help from our parents with our children, so my husband's view is that she should just get on with it.

The timing wasn't great as she also had a cancer investigation following the accident, and she feels I didn't support in this either, as she was going through a bad time waiting for the results. I don't know what to make of this, I did text her to check how she was doing.

I know she is struggling to look after the children on her own after her hip replacement, she sends me texts and she sounds very upset. I am not sure why the hospital haven't given her proper pain relief.
We are the only family she has left as her in laws died many years ago. We are getting old and we can't do what we used to do anymore as much as we would like to.

crazyH Wed 13-Mar-19 19:11:27

I think this is a wind-up. What mother says ^'we've done our bit.....she spent the best part of a year in hospital when she was a CHILD etc etc.' ...that's what parents do.
Seriously Oldandpastit, I doubt you'll get much sympathy here, but welcome all the same. You will get good advice, a slap on the wrist if needed and great empathy . So don't be put off.....keep posting .

Chewbacca Wed 13-Mar-19 19:13:42

Like so many others, I'm just dumbstruck shock

I'm not in the least surprised that your daughter feels angry, abandoned and hurt Oldandpastit; I would too. Every one if your posts has raised more excuses for not being there to help your daughter. And not once have you referred to your young grandchildren, who must also be suffering because their mum is incapacitated. Do you not want to be with them? Aren't they worth delaying a holiday to Spain to be with? To show them that you live them and will care for them whilst their mum recovers?


annodomini Wed 13-Mar-19 19:14:42

The OP is all about you, you, you. Where's the compassion? If your daughter has ceased to talk to you, I can't blame her. When my last GS was born, I was the age you are now and I managed to spend time before and after his birth, including rushing my DiL to hospital in labour and looking after their toddler while mother and baby were detained in hospital for five days. I live far more than two hours away from them - I in Cheshire, they in Oxfordshire. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, OP and tell your DH to get his head out of his nether regions too.

SueDonim Wed 13-Mar-19 19:19:08

I'm very sorry for your daughter's illnesses. I broke my leg five years ago and whilst I just had one child still at home, it caused a huge upheaval in our lives and my Dh had to leave his job to care for me.

I really don't see how one can consider a hundred miles as being distant, in this modern day and age. We flew to California to look after our dil after her second baby and now we make a two hour journey to look after our grandchild every fortnight. I'm a bit younger than you, in my mid-60's but my Dh is 73. He doesn't think he's old, despite having had a nasty form of arthritis for some years.

I'd have put my daughter first before a holiday with my sister, that's for sure, so I'm not surprised your daughter feels unsupported and isn't communicating much. You've turned your back on her.

Perhaps you could make amends by paying for some help for her, a cleaner for a few hours a week or give the family a gift of ready to cook meals such as those from Gousto or Hello Fresh.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 19:22:46

I think this is a wind-up
So do I crazyH but we are not supposed to say that.
There are far too many of these preposterous threads lately from new posters.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 19:25:00

My husband calls us old and past it, and I think we must compared to everyone on here. Our health problems can't be helped.
A wind up surely?

Or are you just completely self-centred? If your sister is on GN I assume she is nothing like you - unless she is another wind-up merchant.

Kalu Wed 13-Mar-19 19:58:31

This must be a wind up!

Nanawind Wed 13-Mar-19 20:01:10

You talk about messages, text etc. Surely your not too old to pick up the phone and SPEAK to your daughter.
You come across as a very self centered person. Your daughter has had cancer, hip replacements and all you were interested in doing was going on holiday.

Summerlove Wed 13-Mar-19 20:02:24

It sounds to me like you are punishing your daughter for not only moving away, but for daring to ask for help after she has defied you for doing so.

By throwing out that you spent the better part of the year in hospital with her when she was a child, it sounds like you’re just done with helping her and that she should know you’ve already done your help.

If that’s how you feel, then that’s fine. But I understand that your daughter does expect more from you. You need to tell her calmly that you won’t be what she expects.

My father was 61 when his first grandchild was born, 63 with his second. He still has three more children to still have children. He considers himself quite a young grandfather.

Friends of ours are In their 80s with the myriad of health conditions, and they still manage transcontinental holidays on a regular basis. You must be very much the oldest 68yr old there is.

It’s fine to not want to help your daughter. It really is. It’s not what most would do, but it is your choice. But you need to own that and not give excuses.

Bibbity Wed 13-Mar-19 20:11:51

You’re daughter is looking after herself by distancing herself from you.
You are likely causing her more harm than good right now.
Leave her alone and reach out in a few months.
I do hope this is a wind up because my heart really breaks for your poor daughter.

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 20:12:45

Wish we could tell daughter we'd help if we could!

BlueBelle Wed 13-Mar-19 20:19:03

The more I read the more I think this is a wind up no one could be so proud to tell us all the things she hasn’t done or so self absorbed Must be a made up thread to get us all going well I almost hope so

nanny2507 Wed 13-Mar-19 20:19:45

I suffer really badly with arthritis i can barley walk..i drive 3 hours once a month to spend a day with my GD. I take her to soft play even though it hurts beyond belief ..i drove for 3 hours to be with my daughter when she had a tooth out!!. if she had a bone replacement anywhere i would either stay with her for a week at first and then go down for 3 days a week until she was better.or..i would pick her up and bring her home and look after my baby and her baby for no matter how long it took...granted i am only 50

Chewbacca Wed 13-Mar-19 20:23:07

What's really sad is that there are so many GNetters on this forum, who would give their right arm to get a phone call asking them to go and help their adult children and grandchildren. But they wait in vain, whilst the OP makes excuse after excuse not to do anything at all with hers. Its a funny old world ain't it?

Summerlove Wed 13-Mar-19 20:24:53

I must be in the minority

I don’t think This is a wind up. I think this is someone who genuinely thinks they are right, and cannot understand why their daughter is not speaking to them.

Don’t you know they are old? They had colds! Vacation was booked! She’s being so unfair!

(Though, to be clear, I wouldn’t expect my relatives to cancel pre-booked holidays either.)

mcem Wed 13-Mar-19 20:29:38

If my family had booked a holiday but were the only ones who could help in an emergency, I'd bet they'd cancel and would be able to reclaim on travel insurance.

BlueBelle Wed 13-Mar-19 20:42:37

But the holiday is only a part of it The poster sounds almost proud of all the things she hasn’t done that’s why it seems like a wind up surely everyone would be too ashamed to quote all those things they hadn’t helped with on a public forum without a blink of an eyelid

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Wed 13-Mar-19 20:49:32

A reminder that if you are concerned about a post (etc), do email us and we can take a look. Please don't post these concerns on the thread itself. We don't have many rules but that is one of them.

M0nica Wed 13-Mar-19 20:53:02

Oldandpastit, I think you are having a bad time here, but I will give some support. How well you are and how you are able to cope, is not just governed by age, unfortunately some people are struggling to manage and lacking stamina at 60, others are climbing Everest at 70. I do not think age is a factor.

You say you have had a cold, if by that you meant the really bad cold and cough, the 'dreaded lurgy' that is doing the round, you have all my sympathy. We have had several threads complaining how it leaves you totally without stamina for weeks after the cold and cough have disappeared, and anyway if some one is ill, the last thing they want is someone visiting with an illness that they do not want to catch.

Your daughter does seem to have been in the wars in the last year and she must really have been struggling. Even if you cannot visit her, have you been keeping in contact with her on a daily basis to see how she is. A daily phone call to check she is OK, to let her talk - her cancer threat must have been very distressing, especially if her children are young. Are the children old enough to travel on public transport. Could they stay with you for an occasional weekend to give your daughter a break. Could you manage a weekend with her every month?

I think you need to sit and think around the problem, your daughter is going through a really difficult time. Your energy may be limited but keeping in daily contact, if you are not already will help, and perhaps talking to her about what you could or can do rather than what you cannot do would help as well.

I am sorry but your posts have come across as very hands off rather than hands on. Perhaps being more positive in your attitude to her and the problem will suggest solutions.

muffinthemoo Wed 13-Mar-19 20:55:19

If it wasn't for a few details, I would think my mother had finally worked out how to use the internet and started posting on here, because she pulls this exact type and scale of stunt (right down to the "but we had a coooold") on me all the time.

The "but she moooooved away" - that too.

Oh, I can believe every word of this.

I would advise you to stop phoning your daughter. It only adds insult to injury.

Patsy70 Wed 13-Mar-19 21:05:44

This is unbelievable! My son and daughter and granddaughters are my priorities and I am always there for them. I am sorry, 'oldandpastit' but you & your husband sound very self centred, although obviously in denial and choosing to make excuses for not supporting your daughter. I feel sorry for you as you are missing out. However, I feel even more sorry for your daughter.

Newmom101 Wed 13-Mar-19 21:28:59

We have done our bit. More than our bit. She spent the best part of a year in hospital when she was a child, and I was there for her! We both were. It never stops

This is irrelevant. It was when she was a child. That's just basic parenting, if your child is in hospital you are there. That was what you owed her at that time, as her parent. If you think that is something that you deserve praise for then I can see why your relationship with your daughter isn't good.

You say she's visited you less frequently in the last year, well that would be after she broke her leg and had a cancer scare in the same time frame and rather than visit her you went to Spain. You may have promised your sister you would be there but surely your sister would understand you wanting to be there for your daughter. Or maybe not and that's why your sister also has problems with her children.

You and your husband sound cold. Like parenting was a chore, your husband especially. She's struggling and there's no empathy or compassion, just expecting her to get on with things because you had to. Would life not have been easier for you if your family had offered help?

Just put yourself in her shoes for one minute. In the last year she's broken her leg in a car accident, had a cancer scare and a hip replacement and her parents haven't bothered to visit, just text (not even a phone call? That's cold). Her friends have cared more than her family.

And saying you had a hip replacement and you didn't ask her to come and help your husband is no comparison. She needed her with her children, YOUR grandchildren.

Jalima1108 Wed 13-Mar-19 23:47:27

You seem to be so full of self-pity that you have none left for anyone else - and you assume an awful lot about other Gransnetters too Oldandpastit, all of which is in your own mind.

This is all so very far-fetched that it is almost unbelievable - surely no-one behaves like this?

stella1949 Thu 14-Mar-19 07:39:27

Hard to believe this story. I'm much older than you and I regularly drive 600 miles ( yes that's a 10 hour drive) to see my daughter and her children. When she's been ill I've been there like a shot . I can't believe that you'd put a holiday before your daughter, or that you'd consider that you'd done your bit because you visited her in hospital when she was a child - 30 years ago ! No wonder she isn't speaking to you - I wouldn't either.

Anja Thu 14-Mar-19 07:51:26

You are surely joking OP?

If you are for real then you’ve brought this on yourself.