Muffin, I haven't posted before but your situation struck a chord. Thirty years ago I was in your position. A stay at home mum ( DH's choice) with 3 under 4's. He too worked long hours and was extremely unappreciative. I am sorry to say that we did not last the course but we have have had many years to reflect on what went wrong. It may be that our experience may be helpful to you. I hope so.
So thirty odd years ago and unknown to me, DH was really struggling with the huge responsibility of having to provide for his family. He was in a new job that was paying more money but that also came with great responsibility. He was becoming increasingly stressed and our home was hardly a peaceful haven for him to unwind! I saw my main role in life as mum and looking back the children's needs always took precedence over his or mine.
He resented the bond I had with the children (although they all adored him) and he felt left out of the family. He was understandably depressed - but it was not evident to me. He dreaded coming home at night which meant he worked later. He expressed his misery by making me feel inadequate and unappreciated but I don't think this was intentional, it just happened.
I, for my part, was exhausted and felt unloved. I had previously worked in the same industry as him and I vividly remember being furious to think that he got a lunch hour whilst my job was 24/7. I was also struggling with having 'lost my identity' having given up a good job. Looking back all I really needed from him was to know that he loved me but he was never able to either tell me or show me that for many years.
Eventually I was depressed and desperate too. We did acknowledge that all was not well but after a few years of failing to get our relationship back on it's feet, I left him.
The odd thing was that when I left him I was clear it was over for ever because I had tried very very hard to make life better for him and I was not prepared to carry on as it was ruining my life, his life, and affecting the children. I had bent over backwards to try to rebuild our lives and I had finally reached the end of my limits. At this point he said he was glad that I had 'done something ' to change our lives. He also said that the strong stance that I had finally taken was typical of the woman he married and that he loved me! He then told me he loved me every time he saw me for months and months. It was too late though.
Thirty years later I still love him and I think he still loves me but I am happily married to my second husband who I
have been with for 25 years, and I think my first husband is enjoying his life too. We both have good relationships with our children, although they are not the best re Mother's and Father's Day :-) .We both still feel the pain of that relationship breakup and if I could relive the time knowing what I know now maybe we could have made it work.
I don't know what your husband is dealing with, or how he is feeling, but certainly the behaviours that he is displaying are very similar to those that my ex displayed. I can't offer advice on where you go from here with your relationship but I would recommend that you learn to love yourself and if you can, do treat yourself as others have suggested. Also, my experience is that if you try too hard to appease everyone else you ultimately lose their respect.
If you haven't come across it already I would recommend reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Its an old book now but the message is pretty simple and it does give some insight that I have found extremely helpful in the years since I read it. It definitely would have given me a different perspective had I read it during my first marriage.
I hope you are soon in a better place.
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