Photograph of dying Gran

Right now my DBiL is dying in hospital with the dreaded C, and my DH and I are absolutely sickened to see photographs of him on Facebook. Wrapped in blankets in wheelchair, fag in hand, and looking 100 (he’s 77)...photos taken by teenage GDs. How cruel, no dignity left. Take photos, if you really must, for your memories, but, in the name of common decency, do not post on social media for the world to see. It’s so upsetting for us.

I would never put a photo of anyone in a vulnerable situation on any social media, but times and opinions change.

At the beginning of the 20th century, it was quite common for people to be photographed in their coffins before the lid was screwed on.

In my childhood in Scotland, the dead were washed, clothed in clean nightclothes and put back into their beds that had been made up with fresh linen and lay there until the coffin was brought from the local joiner. Visitors paying their respects would be asked in to the bedroom to pay their last respects to the departed, and it was considered very rude and disrespectful not to go in and view the dead.

I believe it was Queen Adelaide, William the IVs wife, who had wax images made of all her still-born children. She was an aunt of Queen Victoria and no-one at that time thought it odd or morbid to have waxen images of dead babies littering the house!

At my father in laws funeral last May, a family member stood at the back of the church videoing the whole service, someone pointed it out to my husband and he quickly went and told his brother in law to stop immediately. We thought that was the end of it, however a week later the chief mourners were given a dvd by the same brother in law. We took our home thinking it would be probably a picture of the hearse passing by and the flowers after we had all left the burial. To our utter astounded shock on watching it, the first image was of the deceased man in his coffin in the chapel of rest, then going all the way through until the final picture of his coffin in the grave.

All I can say is thank god my mother in law doesn’t know how to use a dvd because if she had seen it she would have been absolutely mortified.
Jane10 so I couldn’t agree more with your post it really is out of order

Death is not a closed subject any more, there are death cafes all around us, it brings awareness and gives lots of people comfort. Death Matters,.A good death is very important to us all, hence the reason we should all speak about what WE want for our self when that time comes.
It also give a better closure for the ones left behind. Lots of groups like Alzheimers, Vascular dementia and more share photos like that every single hour on FB. They are supporting each others. As one poster said it has to be everyone to their own, but do let your wishes known to your loved ones and write it down too.

I'm quite open on my private Facebook account, however I would NOT share something like this.

It is a very personal time. Not just about her. There is also other family members as well as her Gran to consider.

It is selfish, disrespectful, attention seeking and worse can terrify the life out of others.

I know someone who put up selfie pictures of adult youngsters and her at the Grans funeral. It was bizarre and immature.

I said it lovingly about it to her. Her response was I dont get the youngsters together that often so I decided to take pictures. There were also posing pictures too. I did say fine but "why post them up on Facebook?" She went quiet.

Its trashy. Alot I know said it between them rather than to her. The person in question is very immature though also.

Its crass! I dont blame you for saying something. Some people just dont get it though

Whether you take photos of someone in extremis is up to you and your culture, although if possible I would ask the dying patient if they minded. Wanting to record a stillborn's image is perfectly understandable. What is criminal is posting pictures of the dying on social media without consent. It is odd how many people seem to struggle to see the difference.

Also to add social media can be a nightmare in other ways. I had to get my BiL to get my niece to remove an hysterical attention seeking "my uncle has died post put up an hour after my husband passed. Not all the family had been informed.

I had gone onto social media to inform a few by messenger to be hit by tag after tag on my husband page which notified my page of.

I was shaking like a leaf and mortified. The person who had done it was for affect. There was person after person replying and tagging in my husband page and her tagged post to my husband page.

There was messages going up like "Omg I don't believe it. You were such a special friend" and I'm thinking "wtf are you?" So special I didn't even know who they were. My niece was using it to lap up all the attention.

Needless to say I got my BiL to sort it and our eldest to memorialise my husband account straightaway so it couldn't continue.

Not one of those people messaged me directly to say how sorry they were putting messages on my husband timeline. I didnt want the messages. I am saying because it says more about them than us.

As for my niece and her lot that's another story of what happened there. Social media is a great tool if used appropriately. The problem there is not all people do

I agree that it is in very bad taste Jane10 and lacking respect. I had a family member pose (on the bed) her three young children aged five, two and nine months old next to their dying grandmother (she was on her deathbed, literally) and post it on FB. I was repulsed. She'd placed the old woman's hand on the baby's. The poor woman's skin was paper thin and she was a weird shade of purple. She was skin and bones and in deep sleep. She justified it with a tag "One for the family album" for all the world to see.

When those children are older will they thank her for this horrific photograph?

Visitors paying their respects would be asked in to the bedroom to pay their last respects to the departed, and it was considered very rude and disrespectful not to go in and view the dead.

It may have been mentioned but I know that tradition is still one used by Irish catholic families. One of my saddest moments ever was to go and view the body of my friends little boy, aged three, in his bedroom. He was in his tiny white coffin, not his bed, but it is something that will live with me forever. I used to chat with his mother as we got the bus into work. We were both pregnant at the same time and both gave birth to baby boys. Every single mourner was in tears for this poor little soul. It was all very respectful. I think of him and his family often.

I don't mind traditions if they are part of a family send off. It's the taking and posting (on social media) of photos that I find deplorable.

My God, that is sick!

So sad Day6. I don't know how anyone could forget that. Poor family.

It would be bloody rude to photograph someone on the toilet or in an state of disarray. Let alone someone in the throes of dying. This is to treat the dying person as if she were a fine view , or a child's party.

Formal and formally arranged photos of the dead to be sent to relatives are not at all the same as photographing the pathos and sometimes the pain of somebody dying.

One of the things that really surprised me was someone posting that their husband was having a heart attack and they were waiting for an ambulance. Why would you go posting that on social media instead of being with her husband and helping him if only to try to keep him calm

Anyone daring to photograph or film me during my last moments - however entertaining - will be haunted horribly. I will have revenge!

What a tasteless, degrading thing to do.

The dying or dead person may have a Power of Attorney and an Executor who has the right of say over what happens in any connection with that person when they are no longer able themselves.
I was glad that a photo of a person who was very ill with members of the family. It would have been good to have that last record. The dying person would look OK to others but the family could see what was different.
Next thing I know someone had put that photo on Facebook! I asked for it to be removed and I was bombarded by a load of Facebook Warriors who clearly did not have any legal knowledge.
Due to the poster's lack of respect for the dying person and me, there has been no further communication.
I would never have put a photo of the poster on facebook in one of their drunken states, or their batter and bruised states, why put private moments on Facebook?

Willow10 you should report her to the station where she works - why do you want her to keep her job? She is breaking her employment contract, betraying the trust of colleagues and stealing privacy and dignity from the public. Do you want to think that she will be involved in any unhappy events in your life? Why should other people suffer?

My brother died a couple of years ago, and I was horrified when a photographer turned up at the house, and his estranged wife and her family and friends took it in turns to pose with the hearse. It was not as if there were any family members who couldn’t attend, so I can’t imagine why she did it.

I'm wondering how people feel about death masks and the making thereof.

I could say Baggs but I'd get instant banning.

Really, gonegirl? Why? I can't imagine your saying how you feel about death masks is beyond the pale.

Thats horrible,did she ask her nans permission for posting the pic.Sorry I think she is selfish if she really cared for her she would be spending this time talking to and caring for her not seeking cuddles on line.( attention seeking )

I've always thought them weird. Much weirder than taking a photograph of someone still alive but dying.

I follow an artist on Twitter who drew dozens of pictures of his baby when it was unclear whether the child would survive. They are lovely, loving drawings.

As Gran was never going to see that photo I wouldn’t let it worry you OP. I’ve had several unflattering photos put on FB by offspring.

How do you know she wasn't or hadn't been doing all that as well, colverson? Rhetorical question because you don't.

Well Baggs, I would probably say it's totally bleepbleep weird and unnecessary. And who the bleep does that these days? Or even bleep-ing thinks about it?