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Fallen out with a friend

(239 Posts)
Eglantine21 Wed 24-Apr-19 17:55:25

I have fallen out with a friend. I will try to explain what happened and be truthful, not just my side of things. Obviously there will be a range of opinions but if the consensus is that it was me who was unreasonable I will eat an enormous slice of humble pie and apologise.

A friend is going on a business trip to Rome. Her work starts on Monday and finishes on the Friday but she has rented an apartment from Friday to Friday and invited me to go for three nights, from Friday till Monday when she starts work.

She told me to book the same early morning flight as her, I would stay at her house and her husband would drive us both to the airport. Too early for trains. Then I would return on the Monday alone and make my own way home by train.
She said it would be “a cheap, chill out break and a chance to have a great time”.
I booked my flights.

A couple of days ago we met up and she said that Friday is her husband’s birthday and she now wants to spend the evening with him before going away, so I should make my own way to the airport and she would meet me through security. She then said that we should each do or own thing in Rome but meet up for the evening meals and that as she was providing the accommodation my contribution would be to pay for the meals for three nights as her expenses account won’t kick in till Monday.

I was taken aback but came home and looked at the logistics.

Drive through night to airport wasn’t an option. My night vision has failed me.

So drive down day before, park, spend night in hotel or train day before, hotel.

Along with paying for the meals it came to nearly £500. I rang her to say I couldn’t afford to do it now and she is very, very angry and says that I have compromised our friendship.

I appreciate I have let her down but I would never have said yes in the first place if I’d known what the arrangements were going to be. I haven’t taken the decision lightly as I’ve lost my airfare (and a friend) but I feel manipulated somehow.

Ok. I’m open to all thoughts on this.

AnnS1 Wed 24-Apr-19 17:59:42

She is the one who changed the arrangements, not you. Surely she must have remembered her husband’s birthday before making the arrangements with you. A lot of money to lose.

kittylester Wed 24-Apr-19 18:02:24

I think she changed the ground rules. She must have realised it was her dh's birthday.

FlexibleFriend Wed 24-Apr-19 18:04:32

Tell her to do one. Cheeky mare changed not one detail but every detail and none in your favour. Who needs friends like her.

GrandmaJan Wed 24-Apr-19 18:04:54

Eglantine if anyone has compromised a friendship it’s her as far as I can see and from what you’ve said. She’s completely changed the holiday and she’s wanting it all on her terms. She probably isn’t even paying for accommodation as it will be claimed on expenses and considering you’ll be spending so little time together it seems she’s using you as a meal ticket. It’s a shame that it’s affected your relationship but perhaps it’s shown just how she values your friendship.

phoenix Wed 24-Apr-19 18:05:17

For what it's worth, I think you are in the right.

She is getting the accommodation paid for by her company, she is NOT "providing" it!

Her whole original proposal seems to have changed!

Tell her, "thanks, but no thanks".

Eglantine21 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:08:53

I felt that I was being used to defray some of the cost of her extra days but wondered if I was being sniffy....

Bridgeit Wed 24-Apr-19 18:09:05

You have not let her down IMO.
She forgot her husbands birthday ? She sounds like a user who has a tantrum if things aren’t arranged to suit her.
It is she who has compromised your ‘friendship’
Think about it, ask yourself what would you have done if the boot was on the other foot, I think you would have been very understanding & that is how she should have behaved towards you. You can do without a self centred person such as this in your life.
She is Not more important than you. Best wishes.

ninathenana Wed 24-Apr-19 18:10:19

She is not behaving like a friend.
As phoenix says, "thankbut no thanks:

M0nica Wed 24-Apr-19 18:12:18

She calls/or called herself your friend, yet acted like this. She has a very odd view of what friendship entails.

blue60 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:12:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You based your decision to go on what your friend said. Now she has changed the goalposts and you find it too expensive.

Well that's perfectly reasonable to say to her it's not possible for you to afford now that changes have been made.

You have explained your reasons, and they should be accepted unconditionally.

notanan2 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:12:45

Apart from the friday, she didnt change the goal posts if you never discussed how expenses would be split throughout the weekend.

To me a "relaxed" break is people doing their own thing during the day and coming together for meals in the evening. Although Rome whilst lovely is not "relaxed".

I think that you assumed she would "host" you whilst she hoped to share the expenses sat-mon morning. You were both unreasonable to not discuss this in advance but you were particularly unreasonable to assume a mostly free ride after flights.

She was unreasonable about the friday. I suspect the birthday is just sn excuse, she is probably annoyed at you for not expecting to contribute.

I would kind of automatically assume that if a friend was paying for the accomodation that meals would be on me & think most people would.

Dontaskme Wed 24-Apr-19 18:15:23

I don't think it is you who has let anyone down, I think it is your friend who has done that.

You agreed to go based on what she told you was going to happen. She has changed the plans and let you down.

fairisle Wed 24-Apr-19 18:17:15

Eglantine21flowers I would`ve done the same as you x

notanan2 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:18:36

Even if a friend wasnt paying for holiday accomodation and the break was at their home or holiday home I would automatically expect to pay for the meals out. Or bring a shop if it was in the UK.

I think the fri thing is petty but probably a reaction to finding out that you didnt expect to contribute.

If you couldnt afford to contribute you shouldnt have agreed to go at all its not fair on your friend

Telly Wed 24-Apr-19 18:29:01

She changed the arrangements to fit in with herself, without discussing with you. The fact that changed the whole emphasis of the holiday is completely down to her. It doesn't seem unreasonable that you have had to cancel. If you have lost a friendship then so be it, but it perhaps she will come around when she has had time to reflect. If not then you will just have to let it go.

Lily65 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:32:34

I got as far as the beginning of the second paragraph. No friend, poor boundaries, forget it.

aggie Wed 24-Apr-19 18:38:39

The having to drive to the airport hotel , rather than the spending on meals would have been the breaking point for me , and if you can't go rather than don't want to go , I wonder why she is so cross

gillybob Wed 24-Apr-19 18:48:30

I agree with what others have said Eglantine she is the one who has changed the goal posts and she is the one who is jeopardising your friendship ! Selfish cow.

My suspicious mind wonders if you would have been used as some kind of decoy or alibi for what she might be really getting up to in Rome (besides work that is) hmm

gillybob Wed 24-Apr-19 18:52:56

I don’t think Eglantine did say that she didn’t expect to contribute though notanan I just don’t think she expected to foot the bill for all the meals out during her 3 day trip. There is a big difference between going halves, sharing the bill etc. which is fair enough, to being expected to pay for all the meals .

Bellasnana Wed 24-Apr-19 18:52:57

I’m livid on your behalf, Eglantine. It seems like she was using you and didn’t give much thought for your feelings.
That’s not a friend, in my opinion. flowers

Eglantine21 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:53:22

I’ve certainly learned to go into details when(if) I get an invitation. I wasn’t expecting a free ride. I suppose I was thinking we’d each pay our own way.

It hadn’t occurred to me that she was expecting me to offer to pick up the meal tab. She perhaps thinks I’m as well of as her whereas I thought she knew I lived on a budget.

Oh dear.

Eglantine21 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:55:01

Oh Gillybob, never thought of me being cover, though it’s not impossible........

phoenix Wed 24-Apr-19 18:55:32

notanan2 couldn't agree less !

notanan2 Wed 24-Apr-19 18:56:02

Its not halves gillybob if OP is splitting the food bills and not compensating for the friend paying 100% of the accomodation.