Fallen out with a friend

I'm so sorry to read this, some people's behaviour is just too hard to fathom. My 23 year old daughter would describe your friend as 'flaky'', which I interpret as unreliable.

My experience of a 'flaky' friend was when she agreed to come to an event with me which involved train fares, overnight accommodation, and food. I had pre booked and paid for the train tickets and accommodation. When I gave her the tickets on the train, I expected her to say 'what do I owe you' .... but she just took them. I felt embarrassed she didn't offer, and just couldn't say the words 'you owe me £'! When it came to lunch time she put her choices on my tray and I realised I was paying again! I was quite shocked she didn't get her purse out at any time during the trip.

I was upset when I got back and discussed it with my daughter - she said I hadn't been clear with my friend about costs, so she assumed I was 'treating' her to everything and she didn't have to offer me any money.

I've learnt from this and in future intend to involve anyone in the actual planning, giving them the costs and discussing options, so they can say yay or nay.

Needless to say I'm not inviting this friend again!

I wouldn’t worry one more minute about this ‘friend’. She made the initial arrangements to suit herself and then changed them to suit herself without a thought for your inconvenience. The friendship seemed to be on her terms and her terms only. That is simply not fair

It sounds as though your friendship has been very close which has led her to assume a lot and expect you to accept and fit in to her plans. I have had a similar situation with my friend of 30 years , we fell out but I miss her a great deal even though she was selfish.

No you are not in the wrong, she has changed the rules and expects you to just go along with it. It's sad when friendships go like this but I certainly don't think you are in the wrong

I had a friend for 23 years. I told her everything about me, too much I know. I always picked her up in the car even though she drove. It was me who suggested placed to go and meet up and I used to ask if I could pop over and we would have a lovely natter or go bike riding. We had some good times together but it was always me doing the arranging. I'm not sure if she even wanted me to be her friend and now that I look back I think I pushed myself onto her. I was ill last year and I couldn't pick her up etc. I never heard from her again! Honestly, not a text or phone call to see how I was. I had ran after her all of these years and nothing, just cast aside. So I backed away and you should do the same and make new friends as I have done. These people drain us of our energy even though we dont realise it at the time. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

It is sad isn’t it?
When you go into a friendship you trust the other person, you “give” of yourself to them , a bit like a marriage!
When it is thrown back in your face it can be very very hard not to feel the rejection.
Try to rise above it, you are better than she is, but nevertheless, the feeling of being let down is as hard in your sixties or seventies as when your playground “best friend” goes off to play with that nauseating little girl with the plaits and ribbons! ?‍♀️

Now you have to decide whether or not to tip off her husband.

Does he have a right to know if his wife is up to something on the business trip? Yes of course he does, but you may not feel you want to be the one to tell him.

She booked the apartment Friday to Friday so made that decision before asking you(?). surely you could pay for some meals but go dutch on others (or cook if it's an apartment with all the utensils). How could she not know it was her husband's birthday on the day she planned to go??!!!

Now you have to decide whether or not to tip off her husband

Goodness, where’s the evidence that she’s having an affair? I don’t personally subscribe to that particular theory. But whatever. There is no justice at all for the OP to stir things up between this couple. whatever she may or may not be “up to”. She needs to drop this manipulative friend and get on with the rest of her life without her.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but she doesn’t sound like much of a friend in the first place! Just get rid of her, and move on

I am known for being a 'bit deep' regarding details but I learned my lesson many years ago with a friend who took me for a ride. I always have a 'meeting' about the details whether it is extended family or friends and put everything on the table regards who is paying for what, how much everything is, what everybody's expectations are etc and then no-one is ever embarrassed and worried and everybody knows where they stand. I won't go anywhere without my 'arrangements meeting'

I just feel, with real friends, none of that should really be necessary, I can’t imagine going into such depths with any of my close friends, we would never try and take advantage of each other

That’s regarding friends! With family I know exactly whose going to be paying for everything, ME!

I just feel, with real friends, none of that should really be necessary, I can’t imagine going into such depths with any of my close friends, we would never try and take advantage of each other

This case aside, its not always about taking advantage it can be simple missmatches of expectations and missundersranding so its always best to just have that discussion.

E.g. you might be going to a foodie destination with a friend who likes to self cater cheap meals in to save money for other activities etc. Best work that out in advance.

Re "tipping off" the husband, the OP does not know why the friend has pushed her to cancel. Could be an affair, could be a simmering missunderstanding, could be that she just doesnt want to be friends any more.

To turn her husbands world upside down with no proof or evidence, not even a name! Is just nasty poing scoring because realistically, what can he do with that scant information?

Yes Sarah , ME too. ?

For all we know (because we know nothing about the motives) the husband might be controlling and might be the one who changed the friday plans, and vetoed the friends spending money for the weekend at the last minute.

Not saying how likely it is but its one of many possible behind the scene reasons for her actions.

I think posters are enjoying the affair conspiracy, but please remember, its just a theory!

But that’s the point notanan, you know what your friends like to eat, and where they like to stay, you don’t know them very well, if you have to ask these things

You are not in the wrong, she is. I had a friend who has treated me in similar fashion. I had to cancel a flight which cost me because she went back on a holiday arrangement. I kind of forgave her but recently slammed the phone down on her because she has insulted me once too often. I suspect I'm not on her "A" list of friends as I don't think she would treat her other friends in this way.

I don't understand what the original arrangement for the outward journey was. Did you both intend to fly out together early on the Saturday morning, after you stayed at her house on the Friday night? I don't understand this bit - "^she said that Friday is her husband’s birthday and she now wants to spend the evening with him before going away, so I should make my own way to the airport and she would meet me through security^" Do, you mean you will both still fly out early on the Saturday morning? If so, could you have got a B and B near her house so the husband could still take you to the airport.

Whatev's, it's her fault. I would have thought you would have shared food bills.

Of course I wouldn’t say anything to her husband, even if I knew anything. What’s happened is between me and her.

I meant Thursday was her husband’s birthday, the day before we flew. A mistype on my part, I’m sorry.

I’m grateful for everyone’s support. It has made me feel better, although it didn’t prevent another sleepless night wondering how it could all have gone so wrong!

It’s either some kind of complicated plot which I am never going to get or it’s just that she sees things in a similar way to notanan. ie that she was expecting somekind of reciprocal offer when she offered the accommodation and I failed to come up with it. Which pissed her off.

I, on the other hand, when I make an invitation see myself as the host and don’t expect the guest to supply anything if I’ve asked them. Except when they choose to eat out I would probably assume they would pay for themselves, but not for me.

When she said a cheap chill out, I thought she was being kind because she already had the accommodation and I guess I thought we would eat as cheaply as possible as well, a pizza or something. I would probably have just paid for that without thinking. I thought she realised I was struggling a bit financially. But her remark about using the money from my house sale shows she thinks I do have lots of spare money and she probably was thinking I should use some of it to pay for half the trip.

I have to take it on the chin that in her eyes I was freeloading even though I never intended to do that and would just have said “No, sorry, but thanks for the offer” if I’d known.

What really floored me was the withdrawal of the stayover and lift, that made it not just more expensive but quite difficult and worrying. And then just to meet up in the evenings. I have been to Rome before, I wouldn’t go again except as an opportunity to spend time with her.

It makes me wonder how many other times I’ve got it wrong!

The friend changing the plans to suit her has added expense onto OP, no longer staying at the friends house but having to go down earlier and pay for a hotel. Not only that I'm wondering why OP's friend has suggested they do 'their own thing' surely if a friend asks you to go away with them, it's to spend some time together, shopping, sightseeing etc am wondering if OP is being used as a cover for something else, most odd

Eglantine21, don’t beat yourself up. The goal posts got moved through no fault of yours. As the birthday and evening was Thursday surely she could just have asked you to arrive later in the evening. She still had to get to the airport on the Friday! As for freeloading you don’t sound to be that sort of person at all. Let her go and look forward to the summer doing things you enjoy.

But that’s the point notanan, you know what your friends like to eat, and where they like to stay, you don’t know them very well, if you have to ask these things

Being on holiday with someone is a different dynamic to being friends at home. You dont know everything about a friend until you have been in that situation with them.

At some point, it will be your FIRST trip with that person, and you dont know until you know IYKWIM.

Obviously different for people you have been away with previously

Notanan
You’re right about that, it IS different being on holiday with someone, I accept you may get some surprises, but if you value your friendship, you both compromise, Eglantines ‘friend’ seems to expect her to make all the compromises

Yeah but likewise, if you are friends, having a chat re "what do you want to do about petrol/food etc" shouldnt be a problem and it is always better to ask than to assume.