Fallen out with a friend

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would have been quite happy to pay more than half of the meals under the original plan, as irrespective of who was providing the accommodation, it wasn’t me.

I wouldn’t however, want to have a night in an hotel on my own before the flight, nor would I want to spend 2/3 days in Rome by myself. Essentially, she is asking you to dinner, which you will pay for.

I don’t know why she has changed the itinerary, but a weekend together is not what is now being proposed.

How stupid does she think you are? It sounded great to start with but after all these changes, it's obvious she only wants you there to help with the cost of food. And she doesn't even want to spend the daytimes with you. Tell her to do one. She's no friend.

I agree with gillybob. I suspect there's more to this than meets the eye and you would have been the cover. It's so strange that she should want to do her own thing in the day. Surely friends would go round together and as for telling you to use some of your house money, well, what a bloody cheek!. Things aren't going her way and she's taking it out on you. Get rid of her and don't give her a second thought and no apology.

I think that you were definitely 'the cover' and she's so angry because you've spoilt her plans. The 'sudden' wanting to spend husband's birthday with him also fits in with this theory.

Your 'friend' has been very cheeky, eglantine as it is she who has compromised the friendship, not you. Trying to make you feel guilty is the icing on the cake. It looks like goodbye to this friendship but it is not your fault. With friends like that who needs enemies, as they say.

I disagree notanan2 if the friends company is not paying for the extra days accomadation and she wanted Eglantine to pay for half of the extra days she should have said so before she booked it but she didn't she booked the extra days and then invited Eglantine to stay with her. It sounds very cheeky to expect Eglantine to pay for all the meals for both of them for the whole weekend. I wouldn't treat a friend that way.

You have totally ignored the other aspects which do put the "friend" in the wrong. 1) changing the arrangements to go the airport

Moorlikeit You have totally ignored that I posted several times about that. Selective comprehension moorlikeit ? Or did you just bang out a rant without reading the whole thread?

There are several things going on IMO

1. IMO the friend is using the friday thing to push the OP into cancelling, rather than being honest with OP and saying "I dont want you to come any more".

2. Expectations re expenses werent properly discussed in advance by either the OP or the friend. OP said she will handle this differently in the future. Lesson learnt but I suspect it wouldnt have improved the outcome anyway in this particular case.

I haven't read all eight pages of this thread so apologies if I'm just repeating what others have said.

I think it is she who has let you down.

You were no doubt looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend looking around Rome with your friend. It was your friend's decision to stay on after her work assignment and pay for accommodation.

Now you are expected to make your own arrangements to get to the airport and this will mean you spending more money on an overnight hotel. Then she tells you that you will go your own ways during the daytime, meeting up only in the evening, when you are expected to pay for the evening meal. She should have mentioned these issues before. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded paying for one meal and perhaps foot the bill for a few drinks during the stay but to be issued with a directive that you should pay for all the meals is, I think, very rude.

If I went abroad with a friend for just three days I would expect to spend companionable time with her looking round the city. Otherwise, what would be the point of my presence? Perhaps if the trip was for longer, some time doing your own thing would probably be nice but not three days. If she doesn't want your company then it almost looks like she's invited you so she doesn't have to pay for any meals during the weekend - presumably her week's dining will be covered by her company (and possibly even the weekend accommodation).

Alternatively, although I am not usually suspicious, like gillybob, it also sprang to my mind that she might be using you as "cover" for her staying in Rome over the weekend after her work assignment has finished.

I think her behaviour is totally out of order and if it were me I am not sure I would want to stay friends with someone who blames me for pulling out of an arrangement that she set up herself and which she then made significant changes to.

Vickya had the very best suggestion, Eglantine. 'Phone your friend's husband on his 'birthday' to wish him 'Many Happy Returns'. Brilliant! I would also say that you're pleased that your friend is sharing his birthday with him, instead of going to Rome that day - then ask for a quick word with her. (If she's lying to him, that'll sort her out for sure!)

Am I being spiteful? You betcha!

I'm sure that you're much too nice to do this - which is a shame, as I'd love to hear the result of such a 'phone call ...?

Eglantine 21. You were invited to go for the weekend, stay with friend overnight and travel from her house the next day. Now she’s the one who has changed the plan for reasons of her own! This has involved you in considerable extra expense which you weren’t expecting and can’t afford. I’m sure you were expecting to pay your share of food etc over the weekend. She booked the accommodation and then asked you! You shouldn’t feel guilty at all because really it’s the extra travel costs and time alone that are the sticking points. Shame you’ve lost money and what should have been a good weekend. Unable to see your point of view at all Notanan2!

Why couldn’t your friend have told you all this at the beginning? I do hope your friendship will survive this, but I think you must stand firm and say that you are unhappy about travelling alone. Why does she not want to spend more time with you in Rome? The cynic in me thinks she just wanted to minimise her own costs.

Normally, I would hope friends who've had a disagreement could sort things out and continue their friendship.

In this case, however, I think eglantine is well out of this supposed friendship.

I'm not sure that this so-called friendship is worth saving or even worrying about Aepgirl.

Some people are just users.

She has let you down. Would you be splitting the costs of the meals anyway, I would also offer to pay for at least one of the meals to say thank you but this still can be costly.

I travel quite a lot with girlfriends as my husband is a keen sailor and I am not. In this situation I would have taken it as you did. She booked the rental, she then made the invitation. If she had said to you “I am going to Rome on business and wondering whether to go the weekend before, would you be interested in coming for three nights and we’ll share the rent? “ then all would have been clear and you could have budgeted from there. She claims to have overlooked husband’s birthday, seems unlikely. The change of travel arrangements and meeting through Security - what are you supposed to do if she doesn’t make it to the airport in time.
Although I don’t think two friends need to spend every waking minute together, surely in a city like Rome the shopping, culture and people watching is fun with a companion at least part of the time. IMO there is something going on and probably involves a man.
Bet you would end up in the pokey bedroom holiday lets often have or on a sofa bed and be asked to hit the streets early each morning.
As for you paying for the dinners - that is outrageous.
Life is too short to deal with people like this.

She should have discussed all the arrangements with you before you booked your flights - presumably you trusted her judgement and her ability to be a good friend- you have now lost a lot of money on the back of her altered arrangements which suited her - she has given you no thought at all - all on her agenda - at least you are wiser now and next time ( unlikely with her!) you will check any details. It is very inconsiderate and the fact that she is now very angry just shows how little she values you and your friendship and how much she thinks of herself - not a nice person.

This is very upsetting for you Eglantine and am sure you are right, but did you know this "friend" well beforehand, and is her behaviour out of character? It doesn't seem like the way you would expect a true friend to behave.

What a nerve! That’s not a friend!

I don't understand why she asked the OP in the first place if she didn't want to spend much time with her. Who wants to walk round Rome by themselves for 3 days! Why didn't she take a family member anyway?

The company would probably have got a set price for the rental accommodation so I doubt she paid anything extra. I think she just wanted the cost of her (expensive!) meals covered and, as the company would cover all the travel costs, SHE could then have a free holiday.

I dont think the OP will ever find out what has really gone on.

If the friend was ever going to be honest with her, she would have done so already, rather than pushed the OP into being the one to call off the trip.

'lots of money from the sale of your house and should use some of that' wow ! I'd been thinking it was poor communication until she said that Eglantine I think that says a lot about her view of you and explains her anger. I'm assuming you are on your own as you don't mention a partner whereas she is working still and has a husband so possibly is in a more secure financial situation . Either way, she has mistakenly assumed you're going to fritter away your money. I think you should leave things as they are now, you have tried speaking to her in an attempt to clear the air and she isn't interested.

Gosh. A couple of years or so ago, a ‘friend’ bought two tickets for a show in London, that she was keen to see. She gave me my ticket as my birthday gift. I wasn’t terribly interested in seeing the show but was happy to go along, and not be ungrateful for the ticket. As the date of the show grew nearer, nothing was mentioned about transport arrangements. Two days before, she rang in a slightly agitated state and asked how we were to get there, to which I replied that I hadn’t thought about it. She was so annoyed, and to be honest so unpleasant that I offered her the ticket to share with someone else. She accepted this offer and hasn’t spoken to me since. I should add, she’s told a mutual friend that I’m rude and ungrateful; as she’d shelled out for the tickets it was my responsibility to get us there and back. Not an identical situation but the OP’s post brought it back to me.

At this age, we should value our true friends and shed no tears for people who treat us this way.

If you hadn't been going with someone who had a husband, I would have sworn you'd been intending to go with my sister. This is exactly what she does with arrangements, (sometimes changed several times without so much as a by your leave) and it caused a huge rift in the family which will never be solved. On that count, I think your friend is entirely in the wrong.
I think it is extremely odd that she expected you to go your own way and I'd be suspicious of her motives unless she has a lot of friends in Rome she wants to visit.
I think you both made a mistake about not talking about costs earlier but most 'friends' could sort this out without a parting of the ways. Certainly if a friend rang me to try to sort things out, I would give her the courtesy of listening to her and would try to see if there was something I could do to put things right.
Could you see if you could sell the air ticket?

You're her back up, she's using you, I wonder what you see in her, she's selfish. If you wouldn't do that to her (and of course you wouldn't), your values are different so don't sweat the loss of this "friend".

Only one dissenting voice in eight pages of comments so have no doubts that you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I bet that if you had gone she would have come up with some excuse why she couldn't meet up in the evening without a thought for your safety alone in Rome at night. Please, please resist any future overtures from her. She is in your past- leave her there.