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Do I go NC?

(58 Posts)
BoadiceaJones Fri 26-Apr-19 06:39:12

A close member of the family hates my DH. She says she doesn't like or trust him, but won't tell me why. We've been together almost 20 years. She has a spiteful streak and our relationship has always been a bit rocky. What do I do?

CherylMoon Sat 27-Apr-19 09:13:57

If it’s of any help, she’s just stirring. Probably best off without her.

You will feel better for it !

Mollygo Sat 27-Apr-19 09:36:01

Don’t give her chance to say anything again.
You could always carry a wooden spoon in your bag and whip it out and present her with it if she starts. Fflaurie has a great response.

sandelf Sat 27-Apr-19 09:46:31

This is very odd. If she is prepared to tell you this she really needs to tell you why she thinks this. - If not - she is stirring.
{{I have a friend I have NOT spoken to about this but, [long whole family friendship] - one evening saying farewell in their hall - he quite unmistakably groped me in a really nasty way}} - I have kept away from them since - making out I'm 'just So busy'. I really don't want to tell her, she's a nice person and it would cause rows.

Sussexborn Sat 27-Apr-19 09:56:33

Had a stepmother like that. Seemed sugary sweet on the outside but tried to cause trouble for no reason at all. Nearly succeeded with her new daughter in law. Told both parties that the other had confided in her that they wanted out. Total lies but dil in particular didn’t realise this and heartbroken that her loving husband could be saying this behind her back.

She tried to drive a wedge between my sister in law and me (known since primary school). The shock on her face when I said I would ask my SIL why she had said such a nasty thing. The panic and back tracking would have been funny if not potentially so damaging.

Either avoid and ignore her whenever possible or try calling her bluff. If there was something really serious someone else would have felt it their duty to enlighten you.

GrannyAnnie2010 Sat 27-Apr-19 09:56:48

She doesn't like or trust him? Nothing wrong with that. I know of a handful of people I don't like or trust but can't put my finger on exactly why: it's just a gut thing.

So what! - I say. We don't get on with every single person who's related to us via friendship or marriage.

I'm more interested in how your husband feels towards her, actually. Perhaps the feeling's mutual.

25Avalon Sat 27-Apr-19 09:58:41

Did you not defend your dh at all? You could say something like we have been together a long time, and I love him very much and I won't listen to bad things said about him. She will then either elaborate or shut up.

driverann Sat 27-Apr-19 10:12:39

I agree with grandad 1943. If anyone told me they did not like my lovey other half I would soon tell them (the person) where to go and have no more to do with them. Turn a page, blank, gone.

Hm999 Sat 27-Apr-19 10:20:57

I disagree. There's nothing worse than everyone telling you how wonderful your spouse is, when behind closed doors they are a completely different person. So I'm always surprised when people make positive or negative comments about other people's family members. Like politics and religion, steer clear of the topic.

Purplepoppies Sat 27-Apr-19 10:21:01

I had a deep dislike of my best friends husband. He treated her appallingly, I had good reason. It wasn't a secret. She found the courage to leave him.
Not the same situation I know. Maybe she perceives something in your relationship? Does your husband have any idea?
If its really for no good reason I'd ignore this person as far as is possible. ?

Barmeyoldbat Sat 27-Apr-19 10:22:52

We have one in our family, my step gc but thank goodness she has been proved wrong. Keep her as much as you can out of your life.

breeze Sat 27-Apr-19 10:31:03

Maybe she is jealous of your good relationship. If she makes another spiteful comment along those lines I would say 'unless you are prepared to back that comment up and tell me why then I would rather you didn't refer to it again' or avoid her. It doesn't sound as though you have any concerns about her knowing something you don't.

newgran2019 Sat 27-Apr-19 10:33:24

I am coming at this from the other angle: my best friend from college (my bridesmaid and my daughter's godmother), for whom I had the greatest respect and affection, is married to an overbearing, dogmatic man who won't let anyone have an opinion that doesn't accord with his. Last time they stayed with us we found we had nothing in common any more apart from our daughter (and as they couldn't have children one can't talk about family too much for fear of offence), they were either silent or critical, and the whole weekend was so stressful that we have avoided seeing them since. Yet I feel bad about this, as my friend once meant so much to me. I'd welcome advice on the best/kindest way of dealing with this!

MawBroonsback Sat 27-Apr-19 10:34:25

Meet her for lunch, coffee, or afternoon tea without him.

MawBroonsback Sat 27-Apr-19 10:36:27

Hear, hear Grandad (agreeing with you yet again - wow!)smile smile

JanaNana Sat 27-Apr-19 10:45:30

I'm wondering how this conversation actually came about. It seems a strange thing to say to someone without them giving any any details. Could she be just saying this out of jealousy and trying to put doubts into your mind just for spite. I would distance myself from her, and keep your private life private, she doesn't sound the sort of person to have around. If she persists in saying these things then tell her to "spit it out or shut up".

Namsnanny Sat 27-Apr-19 10:47:05

newgran2019....why don't you start a new thread where people can concentrate on your question?
You might attract more answers that way smile.

newgran2019 Sat 27-Apr-19 11:01:46

MawBroonsback's idea is sensible but they live in Oxford and we are in Yorkshire!

Namsnanny - I tried to do that but couldn't see how.

Caro57 Sat 27-Apr-19 11:17:09

Or is she jealous that he is married to you and not her? If you are happy enjoy your relationship with DH

MawBroonsback Sat 27-Apr-19 11:21:54

Then keep in touch by email and every once in a while meet for lunch halfway (I do with a friend in Wiltshire) Husbands do not need to be included.

Aepgirl Sat 27-Apr-19 11:23:18

Try not to come into contact with this person. The important thing is your relationship with your husband,

jaylucy Sat 27-Apr-19 11:27:44

That's her opinion. If she is not prepared to explain why, just ignore it and carry on.
Why are we so bothered by other people's opinions when it's none of their business?

blueskies Sat 27-Apr-19 12:09:11

Often families have secrets. They usually come out in the open in the end. Sometimes secrets need to be told. Would you rather know? or be kept in the dark while others have that knowledge about someone close to you. Maybe you should confront her and tell her that you want to know why she doesn't trust your husband. Say that if she doesn't tell you she must say why in front of both you and your husband. That should sort it out one way or the other.

Jaycee5 Sat 27-Apr-19 12:43:35

I would go no contact. Anything else would be disloyal. It is one thing to think it. Even not go out of the way to hide it but to state it in that blatant way, what does she expect you to do, leave him?

SaraC Sat 27-Apr-19 12:50:21

I like Mollygo’s might help to lighten your spirits and feel more in control when you next meet! What colour ribbon could you tie around the spoon? Have some fun with the idea at least. Very unkind of this person to attempt to create discord - you don’t mention the circumstances under which the comment was made, but I’m wondering if alcohol was involved...

grandtanteJE65 Sat 27-Apr-19 16:10:19

It's a bit late to do or say anything isn't it, if this has been going on for the twenty years you and your DH have been married, but perhaps I have misunderstood and the near relation is a newcomer to the family.

Frankly, I wouldn't let anyone into my house, family or not, who said spiteful, nasty things about my husband, so I wonder why you haven't told this woman off before now.