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Do I go NC?

(58 Posts)
BoadiceaJones Fri 26-Apr-19 06:39:12

A close member of the family hates my DH. She says she doesn't like or trust him, but won't tell me why. We've been together almost 20 years. She has a spiteful streak and our relationship has always been a bit rocky. What do I do?

notanan2 Sat 27-Apr-19 16:28:27

If she had a genuine reason for disliking your DH she would decide to either say it, or keep quiet and carry on.

Lets face it, everyone is thinking it, she is implying either cheating or immorality/criminality.

And if she is implying it to you shd will be implying it to others, and letting her into your life even without DH there will give weight to her implications to others.

If she really had any genuine concerns for you she would/should say so, which makes me think there is no honour in her intentions

By implying thess things she is making herself unaccoubtable and worse, perhaps even setting you up, because if you outright ask her if she is saying that he is a cheat, or ask others if she has said as much.... well she didnt say that, exactly. And but the seed is sown and you asking about it is then "proof" that you have your suspicians about him not "her".

I wonder if actually she fancies him and is orchestrating drama between you so she can swoop in and be the shoulder to cry on.

I would usually say that no matter hos well you know your OH, be open minded if a friend has concerns, but THIS friend isnt acting like a person with genuine concerns.

P.s. I have a friend whose husband I dont like. He has done nothing wrong I just dont like him, I find conversation stifled/awkward with him around we just dont gel. I would NEVER say "I dont like your husband" to her. It would achieve nothing. I just arrange to see her when he is at work.

notanan2 Sat 27-Apr-19 16:34:36

Sometimes secrets need to be told. Would you rather know? or be kept in the dark while others have that knowledge about someone close to you

The OP has NOT been approached with a secret the other person thinks she should know.

I have had to have those difficult conversations with others in the past. I NEVER preceeded them with "I dont like X but Im not saying why" drama.

notanan2 Sat 27-Apr-19 16:50:20

Also, if you DO know a secret (this person hasnt said they do) and decide not to tell, (as I have with a secret about a dead person where the secret will cause pain but no benefit if told). You pretend everything is fine.

You dont imply things about a secret you have decided shouldnt be told.

So I dont think this person actually KNOWS anything incriminating about the DH.

And implying there is "something" is awful because you can never disprove it. How can he ever clear his name? How can he ever prove that he isnt what X thinks he is if X is being all vague and dramatic... but also unaccountable.

This is why you must distance from X and make it clear to others that you (both) have never been that close to X. Its the only way to water down the speculation.

crazyH Sat 27-Apr-19 16:52:10

Yes, ignore her.

Starlady Sun 28-Apr-19 01:17:51

BodiceaJones, I'm a little confused. Has your relative always indicated she hates your dh or did she just tell you this now? If she has been saying it for 20 years, why are you first upset about it now?

"She says she doesn't like or trust him, but won't tell me why."

If she can't/won't give you a reason, then she shouldn't have said anything. You say she's "spiteful" and that you've always had a "rocky relationship," so chances are, she's just trying to make trouble or make you wonder/worry/etc.

So I'm with Granddad and some of the other posters. I would either go nc with her or drastically cut contact back. (Going totally nc might be difficult if you might run into her at some family events.) Not just because of what she's saying about dh though that would be reason enough. But also because she's spiteful and your relationship has never been good, anyway. You've probably already put up with too much from her for too long.

Starlady Sun 28-Apr-19 01:21:48

Also, if you do run into her at a family event, I suggest avoiding her, not getting into any conversations with her. Just "Hello" and "Goodbye," that's it. If she says anything to you again against dh, just tell her that's why she doesn't have to be around him anymore - or you. In fact, I wouldn't invite her to any events that I gave (hey, why subject her to dh, I say sarcastically), nor would I attend any of hers. But that's just me.

Blessmissdunstable Tue 30-Apr-19 12:12:25

How does your husband feel about her?