WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITH DAUGHTER

Thank you everyone, for your replies.

My husband helped me choose my outfit. Didn't think to ask my mother.

You will be wise to follow what your daughter wants. Enjoy the wedding and be proud of her independence.

P.S. I blame 'Say Yes to the Dress'.......all that rubbish about entourages!!! So much rubbish is talked about it as if there is a set of hard and fast rules about what should and should not be done.

What about shopping for your outfit as Mother of the Bride? Are you wanting your daughter to go with you? If you include her by asking her advice on colour, style etc and invite her to help you she may realise how excluded you are feeling.

I think for your own sake, you have to let her get on with it in her own way.

There’s no doubt in my mind, that wedding planning has a strange affect on young women, and the wedding dress will be just the start of it.

By the time you get to it, you’ll probably sincerely wish she’d just eloped!

Go with the flow. Things are different these days. If you want to be more involved with the coming wedding, ask what she'd like you to assist with and see where the conversation goes.

I hope the wedding and marriage go well.

I am really shocked at the messages saying get over it or of course she shouldn't ask you!! Have you never watched an episode of Say Yes to the Dress? Lol. I would have given anything to have my mother here when I was choosing my wedding dress. One of my daughters chose a dress without me but we have recently just been to try dresses on with another of my daughters and it was a magical experience.

I went dress shopping with both my daughters, their choice. I must admit I would have been hurt if I hadn’t been asked, but we are close as their dad left when youngest was 2 1/2 add real contact since. I gave one daughter away and did speech and youngest her twin brother gave her away and I did speech. I was paying for dresses. Was involved in rest as much as they wanted me to be. In various ways and made wedding cakes with my mum.

I had my dress made for me by a colleague as her wedding present to us. Apart from umpteen fittings (she was a keen amateur) the result was quite wonderful and just exactly what I wanted. Certainly saved any aggro in the shopping or sensitivity arena. Wonderful memories.

expectations lead to resentments.

One of my small regrets in life was that I allowed my mother to go shopping with me for my wedding clothes. I wanted Biba she wanted Harrods. And she was paying and I thought well it would please her. Unfortunately Harrods had a new in store department called Swing In can you imagine! It was completely wrong, she wouldn’t hear of what I wanted, too dull and depressing, (yes) and the wedding photos do not reflect who I was at all! She also said that with all the lace I had to have my long hair up or at least wear a wig. I had an Afro wig ( circa Hair) so she took it and said she’d give it to her hairdresser. So there I am in these just wrong clothes and a wig ( luckily I took it off later so many photos with it long... ) bizarre and all because I wanted to please my mum.
When my daughter got married I just stepped back and when she showed me what she was wearing I just said it was brilliant. It really is their day.

Both my daughters asked me to come with them to look at dresses (me and both daughters each time) and then asked their bridesmaids to come for a look when we'd chosen the dresses. I would say something like 'I'd love to be with you when you're looking - if you'd want me' - perhaps she thinks its a long way and doesn't want to put you to any trouble.

Only one of my DD is married and I was involved with choosing the dress, but I honestly don’t think I would have been hurt if she had just taken her sisters and best friend (bridesmaids) to choose.

When my Daughter married twenty years ago, we werent invited to the Wedding as they were having a very quiet Wedding when they lived in America, but they sent our place names etc etc, we payed for her dress and things brides parents used to pay for, but I will never get over not being there. I will never have the hat I had planned to wear at my Daughters Wedding. On the Day we and the bridegrooms parents had a meal together, not quite the same as a Wedding reception in Arizona! Incidentally we would have paid our fares to America no problem.

I have three sons and one daughter, all got married. DS1 got married in India first, purely religious, then again when I paid for one on the London Eye to finalise the paperwork. No involvement apart from expense in those.

DD said she wanted to wear my old wedding dress. I dissuaded her from that, then she asked me to make her one! She tried it on as soon as I had got the bodice and skirt together and burst into tears saying it didn't fit... After some reassurance that that was what fittings were for, she was happy with it, but a bit stressful.

DS2's MiL made the dress for her daughter, again not involved.

The only time I set foot inside a wedding dress shop was with my DS3's fiancé. She wanted everything recycled for her wedding, and came up with a stained dress, in a really unsuitable style for her, from a charity shop. (let's say it was designed for someone with more up top!) . She asked me if I could alter it to fit. She also produced her grandmothers wedding dress, which was grey and a very odd style and shape. I couldn't get either of them clean, and pleaded with her to let me make her one.

I found some ivory satin on eBay that had been used for tablecloths at a wedding, so she was happy it was still recycled. Then took her to try on some dresses in a bridal shop so she could decide on a style she liked. The dresses were over £3000 each, ridiculous price to pay for a few hours wear, but we got some ideas. In the end she had the tablecloth satin on top, and the stiffening from her grandmother's dress underneath, and she was happy. I was a bit of a wreck, thinking if I messed this up, our relationship would be skewed from day 1!

What a good idea Farmor15 suggested, to ask your dd to go shopping with you to choose MoB outfit. When I got married I asked my future MiL to help me pick my dress as she did not have any daughters of her own and she brought her granddaughter with her who was to be a bridesmaid, so we did both at once. My Mum had 5 daughters and was unwell before my wedding so could not travel 120 miles to pick a dress. I do think it helped me to get off on a good relationship with my MiL and we still get on really well today.

My own dd and I looked at a lot of dresses online and then she went to try some on with her bridesmaids and text me photos. To be honest I thought she looked stunning and any of 10 dresses would have looked good on her.

Have you spoken to her and told her how you feel? Sometimes it’s all down to miscommunication. Do you want her with you when you choose your outfit, or does she not mind what you turn up to her wedding in? Maybe that is your opening line.
Both me and my DD’s future MiL, went along with her and the bridesmaids, to choose their dresses. I too would have been extremely upset had I not been invited to go along. I live 100 miles away from her but we arranged dates when we could all be together.

I'd be gutted

I agree with Sarah poster. If asked or offer help but I would keep an interested low profile. My Mum rail roaded my wedding 32 years ago, picked my dress etc etc it was more her wedding than mine. My daughter has a partner but not getting married just yet, I’ve learned a lot from my Mum on how not to behave with my daughter, seems to work as well.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from, but listen to what happened to me and it may cheer you up. My daughter, living abroad arranged to meet me in NY, I live in the U.K., to buy I her dress. I was so excited. She then told me she’d invited her future MiL as she felt she’d miss out as she only has sons. She said ‘you don’t mind Mum, do you’. ‘Oh no, of course not’ I lied. It was arranged to meet the MiL at Heathrow and then the night before my DH had a stroke, so I had to cancel and MiL went on her own to NY to choose the dress. To exacerbate it, the pair of them wouldn’t tell me what the dress was like as they wanted me to have a surprise! I might add, she looked gorgeous , the wedding was amazing and ten years on she’s still a brilliant daughter! Enjoy the wedding, let them stress about the dress.

I really did not care less if my daughters involved me in the wedding dress buying or any other part of the wedding. I only got involved when asked and would have happily just turned up on the day. They both organised their own very different weddings and I did what I was asked to do.
I was more worried my DDs didn’t feel supported by me than feeling hurt for not being involved.
The sure way to spoil a wedding is to start getting upset and hurt with the bride or groom.
DD2 had a registrars wedding I didn’t attend as it was very low key and sudden and ex husband who lived nearby would have sulked if not invited. I felt a bit sad not being there but not hurt as she did give me the option to attend. The wedding ceremony a few months later was fantastic and all organised by DD and SIL.

What I am trying to say is - just offer to be of help in any way and leave it at that. Wait until she approaches you. It is her day.

I know just how you feel, Yangste! I always thought of wedding dress shopping as one of those special things mother and daughter share. I would have been disappointed if DD hadn't asked me to go with her. Happily, she did have me go with her one day, but then asked her bridesmaids to go w/ her to more shops the next day, and picked a dress out. She did bring me w/ her again to see it, as I was paying for it. A lovely dress, I might add!

But my point is that brides today often include their friends/bridesmaids in wedding dress shopping. And yes, Iv heard of their going w/ their friends only.

DD still might ask you to come shopping w/ her when she's really ready to buy. Also, I'm going to chime in with the poster who wants to know if you told her you're willing to make the trip. It might not change anything, but then again, it might. Worth doing, IMO.

My own mother had no interest in what I was going to wear but this was not unusual for her. Won't go into detail.Consequently I was able to do my own thing although it would have been my decision what I wanted to wear but liked to have felt she was involved in my choice.
For my own daughters I made it clear' mum' was there should they want my opinion! which paid off as far as I was concerned and still believe I was wanted not tolerated or that they had felt obliged to bring 'mum' along.

I think your expectations are not realistic. My DD designed her dress and had it made by a dressmaker, I paid for it along with everything else but did not see the dress until the wedding day.
DS and DIL arranged their wedding and again the dress was a complete surprise, no input was asked for and none given.