WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITH DAUGHTER

I don't understand why a Mum would expect to help select a wedding dress? I chose mine without asking anyone else for an opinion, I knew what I wanted.... When my daughter got married I didn't expect her to ask me what she should wear, that was up to her to decide. My daughter watches a TV programme about brides to be and their dresses, they seem to have to have half a dozen people in attendance before they can make a decision!! My advice would be just enjoy the day - on the upside, if the bride decides later she hates her dress *as happened to a friend of mine with her daughter) you aren't the one to blame!!

I very foolishly let my mother in law make my dress, we didn’t have much money, and she was a very good seamstress

I wanted something hippyish, pretty romantic, she just kept adding stuff, lace, frills, in the end I hated it.

My father in law saved the day by buying me a big floppy hat!

I just smile when I think about it now, not really such a big deal!

I don't think your being hypersensitive though it might be good to email her and ask if she'd like any help.

Although I've been married twice, I never went wedding dress shopping and was pleased to be involved with my younger daughter's wedding dress shopping and I arranged flowers for her reception.

My mum came with me when I bought my wedding outfits as she lived close by. One of my sisters just bought a frock she liked by herself and my youngest sis had us all there while choosing a dress and our bridesmaid outfits from Laura Ashley.

My own girls were the same. Eldest went with her best woman to look at frocks then she (best woman) made one to measure. She had 6 weeks to arrange it all!

Everyone is different and makes their own decisions. My mum had her wedding spoiled by my grandmother taking over everything including the guest list!

I remember being quite surprised by how upset I felt about all sorts of aspects of the wedding. I had not expected that at all, but realised soon that so many other mothers seemed to feel that way. You are certainly not alone! Have a look at a book A Wedding in the Family, published earlier this year. It looks at why weddings create such big emotions and it really is helpful to understand what is going on

I was totally left out of my daughters wedding plans , as it had to be done in 6 weeks, as her future MIL had been told she only had a couple months to live. My daughter tried to include her as much as possible in the arrangements as she knew MIL loved all this girlie/woman stuff .... she also knew I didn’t. It all went off extremely well ( weddings don’t have to be that complicated or expensive). Her MIL had a lovely time helping her and on the big day. I didn’t mind in least taking a back seat ...no big sacrifice, all I did was hand over big chunk of money! 11 years down the line , marriage over ... so glad her MIL not her to see that!

Abyford

I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!

It sounds like your DD is browsing round the shops at present and hasn't actually chosen the dress. Next time you speak to her either just say could you go with her or ask if you could go to one of the fittings, she can only say no! If she is the sort of girl that is good at organising she will probably just get on with it, you can only offer to help where you can. Just think if you are not there you can't be accused later when she decides she has bought the wrong dress. I think it is a really good idea getting her to help you choose your outfit, everybody has to fit in now with colour etc apparently for the photos. Its just as hard work to marry off your daughters now as it was for Mrs Bennet in Pride & Prejudice!

Good idea about the Mother of the Bride outfit shared shopping with your daughter. That could be a really lovely day out.

Many years ago when I got married I went by myself to buy my dress. I was very independent and it never occurred to me that my mum might want to come with me. She never said anything and now she has gone I can't ask her. But I regret not having her with me.
I went with my daughter and one of her bridesmaids to choose hers, and it was a lovely time. I was paying for it but it was completley her choice. If I was you I would talk to your daughter and ask her how she would like you to be involved. She might be like I was and just have no idea.

For my 1st wedding a friend of my Mum's made my dress, it was simple but a lovely dress. 2nd wedding I chose a suit as it was Registry Office with a Church Blessing. 3rd wedding I chose a summer dress as we had small Registry Office wedding & Reception in our large garden.

My DD & DiL chose their own dresses for their Civil Partnership, both looked gorgeous.

I do think a lot of young brides want to choose their own dress & don't expect Parents to pay, I agree with others , ask DD to go shopping for MoB outfit, such fun, I would have loved that but I didn't have to wear "fancy outfit" as DD's actual Wedding (conversion of Civil Partnership) was just the two of them with a meal for friends afterwards.

I don’t post much, hardly ever but often read. I’m often surprised how some people respond. Eg today someone a little sad about not going wedding dress shopping with daughter ( very understatedable) People reply with stories of shopping for dress, girlie night out etc. That’s really going to help isn’t it?

One of my best memories of my wedding preparations was the day I spent with Mum getting her outfit.

March. I completely agree. Having any expectations can lead to disappointment but ones such as these are so intimate and deep that we need to be careful about what we are expecting.

I think the fact that she lives so far away is probably a reason. It usually takes more than one trip.

I also think that ideas and feelings parents have around weddings and especially their child's wedding should be kept very closely guarded. It is not our wedding! Times change and our children have different ideas to us. We are there to support them.

My eldest daughter came in one day with a white hat, I said that's nice what's it for ( thinking she had had an invite to something) her reply was 'for my wedding' we knew nothing of this but she said we didn't need to know because we wern't invited!! After 3 weeks of misery she relented and we went to the wedding with a few other close relatives at the local registry office. The marriage lasted around 12 years when hubby left her with 2 children because 'he didn't want to be married anymore'. Our relationship is fine now and we help her as much as we can. But at the time it was so hurtful and many tears were shed.

At least you're going to the wedding! My daughter got married very quietly (and quite suddenly) with only her partner, their 3 children and a sister each in attendance. I was actually very happy with that. Just enjoy - don't get hurt by every little thing or you'll have a terrible time.

mernice. You have a kind heart and really do understand the idea of supporting the person who writes for help and advice.

You say you rarely write in, but I would sincerely love to hear more from you on other subjects.

Um hum. Let her do her own thing. - My DD went browsing and found a super dress - she hadn't understood she was looking at the 'bridesmaids' section of the shop. Anyway, it was a gorgeous thing and very much 'her' so she bought it - and it was so much cheaper than those for brides. Nobody was any the wiser.

Paperbackwriter Me too! That is, my youngest and her husband were married with only her brides' maid, his Best Man and two friends as Witnesses. The reason I did not go was that the Groom's parents were in Australia and could not be there so it seemed one-sided if the bride's mother was there. Her father died years ago. I was very happy about it. I thought it was so thoughtful of her.

They had a lovely meal later with many friends and all families and then on their 10th anniversary a most wonderful afternoon and evening in a lovely place where we all had such a great time. The meal was a fish and chip van!

So - OP, I understand you are feeling sad at not sharing these things with your daughter, but try to keep your chin up and be proud of her. She probably doesn't set so much importance by the ceremony of choosing the dress. These days our children are very pragmatic. I'm sure you will enjoy a lovely Wedding!

I didn't go wedding dress shopping with my mum, as she made my dress with silk my sister sent from Thailand. We did shop for her outfit together, though, which was nice.
DD is now getting married, and did her first few try-ons with a friend who's getting married a few months before her. I didn't really expect her to ask me, as she's usually someone who has definite ideas about what she wants, so I was quite surprised when she asked me to go to the next two, and even more when I suggested she try a different shape to the one she favoured and she really liked it. We're going to another one soon, but it'll definitely be her decision in the end.

I think people are so precious about their weddings now, in the seventies, when we, and a lot of our friends got married, it was so much simpler, much more fun, and much less expensive!

Saggi. You are a sweet and generous mum!

I didn't take anyone dress shopping, apart from my then fiancée. He couldn't care less what I wore, as it was a beach wedding with just the two of us. In the end I chose a beautiful antique lace dress and thoroughly enjoyed wearing it. My mum and sister have different taste to me, they had their day, this was mine.

I would just tell her that you really want to go with her! You could say that you’d like to treat to lunch and make it into a special day. I think it’s ridiculous to say that the bride has to do everything she wants her own way - you are her mum. I expect you are probably donating to the wedding! I took the view that as my parents (and MIL) gave us money, they had earned the right to be included in some of the fun parts!
Funnily enough though, my mum wasn’t that involved with my dress as my dress was a wedding gift from a friend (very talented professional designer) and I kind of let her have fun designing it for me (obviously I was v involved!).
Mum came with me to choose b/maid dresses.

It so depends on circumstances! My DD was a student so when I said I’ll pay for the dress she was like wow great and waited for me to pick one. I picked a classic. We flew to USA for the wedding and United Airlines lost the suitcase with the dress! By Friday we were in a panic ( and me in floods) so we went to a funny dusty local dress shop , walked in and found an identical classic style dress on clearance sale for $50 but with tiny yellow flower trim! An utter miracle! 30 mins prior to the wedding United delivered the original dress. She sweetly did say do you want me to change and I said no the $50 dress is the miracle lucky dress and it has been ! But she’s the same girl who forgets every other Mother’s Day - but then brings me something priceless for my birthday. I just take it as it comes I’m so so so grateful to have a daughter!

Sarahcyn....what a nasty reply to Yangstel1007. If her daughter had mentioned to her mum about having looked at dresses with her bridesmaids but included her even talking about it that would have been nice. I understand her mother's feelings about this special time in her daughter's life. You obviously have no heart.