WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING WITH DAUGHTER

I had no expectations.
My daughter had a quiet wedding,I wasn't invited,it was how she wanted it.
We had a beautiful family celebration a week later.
For me it was all about what was best for my daughter and her happiness.

I had to do wedding dress shopping on my own as mother was dead. Tried to interest a girlfriend, but she was useless. Worked out fine. It’s just one day. The marriage is more important.

Thank you for your, mostly, kind and understanding comments. It has been interesting to read so many different takes on this subject. The overall theme I think is that things are done very differently nowadays but it is gratifying to know that some people would feel exactly the same as me. I do not want to control all aspects of my adult childrens business as suggested by one person. That is way off beam and insulting. As for suggesting I may be thinking I have a better eye for what’s on trend than her contemporaries, that comment was fatuous and rude. I have not made any sort of fuss about any of this. As someone else said it is more like mismatched expectations and also not knowing what is expected of me. I shall go with the flow, offer to help with any wedding preparations, and wait to be asked. And obviously enjoy my daughter’s wedding day.

ReadyMeals, anyone in their thirties is young to me!

My daughter prefers to do everything with her friends rather than me. Yes I feel jealous and disappointed.

Some mother's want to go wedding dress shopping. Some don't. Some daughters want their mums to be there and some don't. We are all different...... Offer to help with other things and then wait to be asked. My daughter arranged everything for her wedding. She picked a few dresses, asked my opinion and then picked the one she liked best and rightly so. My input was not necessary. She's an adult with impeccable taste. It was a small event but turned out just the way she wanted and that's what matters. We all had a fantastic day and that was thanks to her.

.......as I said I blame 'Say yes to the dress' where its implied that a bride should bring everyone including the dodgy Auntie or Step Mother in Law to be....they should all have a say and reduce the poor girl to tears. Its all putting so much pressure on the poor kids who are actually getting married. There seems to be this ridiculous concept that there is a measurable 'perfect' that can be achieved if you try hard enough. Also that there is a set of rules that must be applied and abided to by everyone.
Can remember a friend talking about a wedding they had attended where a couple of older family members had caused a scene when the disco had started up and a few young children had taken to the dance floor and started dancing. Evidently the old trouts had told the children off demanding that no one could dance until the bride and groom had danced first!
I have not been to many weddings but the last one was a lovely quirky concoction brought together by the bride and groom. It had involved us camping out half way up a mountain in Wales but never mind.....one of the best photos was of her throwing her bouquet (a sweet homemade posy of wild flowers)......not to her bridesmaids but to her new husbands best pals who had played a much bigger part in the ceremony. These smart young men were the life and soul of the party and entered into the joy of leaping athletically to catch the flowers....a joyful sight.

Perhaps I’m missing something, because I had a home made wedding dress, and a meal in a local pub afterwards, but I just think the whole wedding thing is vastly overrated

I was determined not to interfere in any of my daughters arrangements, and I didn’t, even when I secretly disagreed about something, but somehow, I always seemed to be in the wrong about something

We eventually had a lovely day, but was it worth the expense and stress? I suppose it was really, but I’m glad neither of the others have decided to married!

DD2 took 4 bridesmaids and I shopping, then 3 of us to a shop closer where she knew what she wanted. DDs decided when their Dad died, they would take each other up the aisle. When DD1 got married, she invited the ladies for coffee, gave them a bag each asking them to be her bridesmaids then drove us to the bridal shop where after 6 dresses, I saw one which she liked, we all cried. Both weddings were so different, one church, one museum. I had no involvement with either wedding as they wanted to surprise me. I had given them both money from their late father as their wedding gift.

Sara65....thankfully my DD who is getting married next May thinks like you. She's marrying her school sweetheart after 15 years of on and off courtship. Its a Registry office followed by a family lunch in a country Pub and then our house in the evening for a buffet, cake and games in the garden weather permitting.

Lucky you Hilda! I’m sure you’ll have a fabulous day!

NO you are not being unreasonable. It's a special day for you as well ( and no doubt you are expected to give money) so of course you should be included.
I think we as a generation have bred very self centred children, and all this talk of its the brides day, princess for a day blah blah....misses the point that this is a celebration of love...so of course those who feel joy at that love ( and who more so than a mother) should be involved.
I told my daughter that I would love to be involved in choosing her dress as it was so very moving and wonderful for me, and hopefully would be a shared memory that we would both treasure.
I was involved and I , and she, both still think and talk about it with fondness.
So speak to her and explain your feelings.

its understandable you're upset, but there could be lots of reasons why she's started looking without you. She may choose to include you when she's narrowed her choices or is nearer making a decision. There may be pressure to include others, and also just getting caught up in the moment. Some shops limit the number of people they allow in to accompany the bribe to be, a very sensible recommendation, too many opinions just makes a decision harder.
Maybe ask if you could be included when she's closer to making a decision, or that you'd like to meet Sometime to see the dress she's chosen and buy the shoes with her?
I'd take a deep breath, although you're hurting, the way you react now will help in many areas of potential conflict between now and next May.
Weddings. Guaranteed to bring out the best in families
Good luck.

Mernice, I think posters often relate their own experiences to help give the OP some perspective on the issue. Also, sometimes, our own experience is all we have to go on.

Hilda, I agree that "Say Yes to the Dress" may be creating ridiculous expectations. I certainly don't get those brides who bring in a whole range of people. There are bound to be different opinions and arguments about the "best dress." But I imagine some brides and their families are like that. And, as far as I know, the idea of the bride and her mum going wedding dress shopping together is a time-honroed tradition, anyhow. I just think times have changed, and no one should base their expectations on a TV show or even a tradition.

The only expectation to have, IMO, is that of a good time at DD's wedding. Or if you (general MOB) won't/can't be there, then just that she'll have a fine time and a happy marriage.

Just remind yourself it is your daughter's wedding not yours and support her way of doing things . Enjoy what you are included in and try not get upset when expectations on your part aren't met .

I went wedding dress shopping with my daughter- it cost me way over £2000 try telling yourself you've had a lucky escape (hope this cheers you up a little)

Reading this, it has just hit me that when I married the first time, it did not even occur to me to call on my mother to go shopping for my dress - really, I did not think of it. The second time around, she went with me, and went to every fitting too. I think my relationship with her changed a great deal as i grew older. I also think that the point I want to make is that she has probably not even contemplated the fact that you might feel hurt

DD2 took a posse of us (me, her sister and various friends) on a wild goose chase round every bridal outlet in the county over several weekends, including charity and vintage shops. I took photos of her wearing every one she tried on - dozens of them! She’d set her heart on a Jenny Packham she’d seen beforehand in a wedding video and nothing else came close in her eyes. Eventually we found it secondhand in her size on sale in a dress agency in Dublin and had it shipped over from there. With DD1, she and I went to choose hers together and she decided on the third one she tried on. They were both perfect. Happy days!

I hope you have a great day, Yangtse. I do envy you having a wedding to look forward to.

I can see both sides of this issue. But sometimes daughters might view things differently in the future. I’m thinking of a nephew and his girlfriend who married in Las Vegas with no one else there. Fast forward a few years when they had children of their own, and she confessed she would be devastated if her own daughter did a similar thing. Perhaps wedding dress shopping is the same.

Why not just ask if you can tag along if and when they next go, if a final decision hasn't been made. On the other hand, she may want to surprise you on the day.

I would definitely be as disappointed as you are now. A bit of the reverse situation here, but it didn't occur to me that anyone but DM would want to go wedding dress shopping with me, and I didn't even ask my sister or best friend, which probably disappointed them. Unfortunately DM and I were both quite timid where shop assistants were concerned. I only tried on one dress, thought it looked ok, and DM bought that for me. Now I wish I'd had more of a 'day', involving more people and definitely comparing more dresses. I suppose what I'm trying to say is she may have not even guessed you would like to be there, so you could make a comment like 'how lovely for you all to be shopping for your wedding dress' and see if the penny drops! Enjoy the big day.

My dd had hers made, and there was some input from me as to style (very simple) since she's always been terribly indecisive and wants someone else's opinion. A dress from a shop would have been a no-no anyway, since she always had a very hour-glass figure, so often has trouble finding clothes to fit, and was even bigger up top anyway since BFing a young baby.

I did go along to a fitting, but that was at least partly to look after the baby!

It would frankly never have occurred to me to ask for her input on my own outfit, and in any case she'd have said it was entirely up to me.
I had awful trouble finding anything I liked that wasn't typical MOB - it was not going to be a formal do so just wanted a nice summery dress that wasn't too short or sleeveless. Even personal shoppers in the likes of John Lewis couldn't find me anything.
In the end I found something online. 'Fun', looking for such a thing?? Not for me!

My sons partner, her mother has died, and I thought I might get a look in for the dress shopping,but alas no.
I would love to see the dress before tge day should I ask to see it?

Well if you do, you run the risk of them thinking you’re trying to interfere, and if you don’t, they may think you’re not interested!

On the other hand they may just be a lovely young couple, who won’t hold it against you either way

Dd2 was/is one of the pickiest clothes shoppers - let alone wedding dresses! I left her to it along with her sister and bridesmaid until she’d narrowed it down to the final few. I would probably have walked the length of the UK otherwise.