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(70 Posts)
H1954 Thu 18-Jul-19 14:56:31

I shall probably get shot down in flames over this but here goes:-

My neighbour is a widower and in poor health ( due to his own lifestyle choices ). He is a very very heavy smoker too. I'm a bit older and partially disabled due to work related injuries.

Yesterday, I asked how he was and apparently he'd had a bad night due to pain; I said I was also sleeping badly due to pain.

This morning I asked again to enquire if he'd had a better nights sleep. He said yes he had..........but didn't ask after me. I was a little miffed tbh but let the matter go. This afternoon, with the weather being nice I wanted to eat my lunch outside but couldn't............because of his b****y cigarette smoke!

I can't have my bedroom window open nor the patio door for that same reason!

Sorry if this a bit of a rant! I just wish he'd ask how I was from time to time! Is that too much to ask?

Ps. I sent some of my birthday cake round recently but he never said thank you or even sent me a card! We ALWAYS remember his birthday!

SirChenjin Thu 18-Jul-19 14:59:48

The cigarette smoke would annoy me greatly. As for not being asked how you are, or getting a thank you...well, it's obviously nice to get these things in return but some people simply don't have any manners. Perhaps you should simply stop asking him, or giving him anything?

KatyK Thu 18-Jul-19 15:40:40

I have just visited my neighbour who hasn't been well. She talked 'at' me for almost an hour. At no point did she ask how me or mine were. I'm used to it.

EllanVannin Thu 18-Jul-19 15:40:56

What a grumpy old git he sounds. I wouldn't get on with him that's for sure.I think you've been extremely patient and I certainly wouldn't offer my hospitality in any way.

Poppyred Thu 18-Jul-19 16:00:39

He probably thinks your a busybody and just wants to be left alone??. Just be civil when you see him - some people are just like that. Miserable gits with no manners.

Cigarette smoke is greatly reduced when mixed with air isn’t it?

Anniebach Thu 18-Jul-19 16:19:23

Do you share a garden ?

Minniemoo Thu 18-Jul-19 16:23:46

If he's genuinely suffering with chronic pain, whether it's his fault or not, he'll not be great at conversation. As for his smoking, you could either ask him and risk wrath or could you sit further away, maybe?

Eloethan Thu 18-Jul-19 16:33:04

Can't you move to another part of the garden?

Don't ask him how he is if it upsets you for your interest not to be reciprocated.

annep1 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:37:56

KatyK I know people like that. I don't spend too much time with them.
H1954 he isn't interested. Many people won't reciprocate. Not worth fussing about.? The smoke is annoying. Not sure what you can do.

Nannyxthree Thu 18-Jul-19 16:48:25

I was on a hotel room balcony and guests in a room further along were smoking on their balcony, and it was surprising how much drifted our way and even into our room. I don't think smokers notice the smell even if it's from someone else. Of course they should not have been smoking out there anyway, but I don't think there is anything you can do about smoking in the garden.

fizzers Thu 18-Jul-19 17:16:37

Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do about him smoking, after all he is doing this outside, is there somewhere else you could sit? or perhaps avoid the times when he is out? I would personally stop asking him how he is etc because he's not going to reciprocate

Peonyrose Thu 18-Jul-19 19:01:00

Smoking would get on my nerves, as for everything else just let it go, when you meet, just say hi, talk about the weather as you rush to an appointment.

RosieLeah Thu 18-Jul-19 19:09:11

You've tried to be friendly but he obviously doesn't want your friendship. Just ignore him in future. As for the cigarette smoke...there isn't much you can do apart from invest in a fan. Be thankful he doesn't throw his fag-ends over the fence, as my neighbour does!

BradfordLass72 Fri 19-Jul-19 08:28:34

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grannylyn65 Fri 19-Jul-19 08:31:43


Kerenhappuch Fri 19-Jul-19 10:00:02

I agree with others that you should drop your attempts to be friendly. He just doesn't see social interaction in the same way as you, so you're never going to be happy with your conversations.

Don't think you can do much about the cigarette smoke other than avoidance.

chris8888 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:00:34

I just wouldnt bother asking after his health in future. I would hate the fag smoke to but nothing you can do sadly.

jaylucy Fri 19-Jul-19 10:03:10

It doesn't occur to some people to ask how other people are in return - not particularly ignorant just don't think and really nothing to get miffed about!
The smoke is another thing - I have had new neighbours move in - 4 adults, all smoke and often get woken up by either the granny or the dad sounding like they are trying to cough up their insides!
They don't smoke in the house, all sit out in the garden and regularly sit in one spot that is nearly under my bedroom window - but after spraying perfume (cheap stuff of course) out of my window and slamming my bedroom window shut a few times ,they now sit further away, but still not pleasant at times to sit in the garden!
They have also moved their washing line - from running down the garden away from the houses, it's now across the garden, 4 feet from my hedge! Used to have a lovely view down to river meadows, now often get their undies and socks!

GabriellaG54 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:12:54

Leave him to his life and you lead yours. You can't and shouldn't expect others to behave as you do.
Don't ask after him then.

Mistymorningstar Fri 19-Jul-19 10:14:08

I have over the last few months felt offended, where i would send people get well txts or cards, safe journey, have a great birthday, sorry your mother has died, sorry you have been unwell, and not one has acknowledged it. It then occurred to me that they are all in the early 50's age group. OK i don't send cards or messages for acknowledgement - but its only good manners to simply say, thank you. Baffled !!!

debbiemon123 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:19:23

I had a friend from work who , whenever we met for coffee or lunch , just talked ' at me ' about her health problems and grandchildren and their problems.....never one did she ask about me or my health or family ....she did the same to another of our friends . It got me down so much , I decided that she was just using me to sound off against and stopped meeting her loss really .
Just say a cheery hallo and don't ask about his health . I'd also mention the smoke to him .....but then I'm like that and it gets me into trouble ???good luck xxx

Kim19 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:20:43

I don't mind a bit if neighbours don't ask after my welfare. I would undoubtedly reply with a 'fine thanks' as I have no intention of sharing my non obvious limitations with anyone other than family and even then I am scant with information. Who needs it other than ourselves?

My problem is with lovely neighbour's who put on their barbecue every evening after work. I have to remember to rush around closing all the windows as the burning smell is quite awful. If I forget, I have a quick check to be sure that there's no fire in the house. I've never broached it with them because it obviously gives them a great deal of pleasure. I'm trying to adopt 'live and let live' but freely admit it sometimes irritates me but, when it does, I have a serious word with myself!!

Annaram1 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:26:10


I just wonder if as a widower he thinks you are after him?
Perhaps you should stop being so nice to him. He doesn't deserve your attention.

polnan Fri 19-Jul-19 10:27:01

ah! neighbourliness, disappeared as far as I can see.

I am old enough to remember how it used to be,, I live in a small close, you would think neighbourly? I have tried with at least two of my same age neighbours, but no reciprication!
the most we get is a Good morning if and when we meet, cars ruin neighbourliness for one..
the most I have got our neighbours to be "friendly" is exchanging Christmas cards, which my husband and I instigated.

smoking, I always say it is easy for me to criticize, cos I have never smoked, by husband was smoking at a very early age, people were told to smoke back then.. not so easy to stop the habit/addiction

but yes, I insisted some time back he didn`t smoke in the house, we have a shed, small (modern) garden, and I don`t smell the smoke then..
but when I am walking out, in the streets, I can smell smoke some way away..

Good luck with trying to change someone elses "manners"
we are all different

Scottiebear Fri 19-Jul-19 10:29:05

The cigarette smoke would irritate me too. But realistically I'm afraid he's entitled to smoke in his own garden. I think you perhaps should realise he's your neighbour, not your friend. And not everyone is as sociable and friendly as you presumably are. I also think you could have a far worse neighbour than yours - most of us have heard or know of someone who has the neighbours from hell.