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I'm hurt and unsure whether to get in touch with them

(59 Posts)
whywhywhy Tue 30-Jul-19 11:57:16

This is a long thread but I will try and keep it short. I have know two people since I was 16. We had a big gap (years) in keeping in touch and finally met up back in 2010. He was friends right through school with my first husband (wife beater) and she was his girlfriend at the age of 16. I met my second husband and then I got back in touch and arranged to meet up. My eldest two children played together years ago with theirs. All now in their 40s. They live 200 miles away and we visit the area to see other friends of mine (husband is from the Midlands - I'm from the North East) once per year. We visited last week and went out for a meal with them and then back to their house for drinks and a natter. Over the last few years I have taken her into my confidence and told her lots of stuff about my life, family etc with not much coming back from her. Well, she had told her husband everything that I have said over the years. They picked at me from the start of entering their house pointing out that I had put on weight (yes I have) and my ankles were swollen. We had spent everyday walking about in the sweltering heat, so they were a bit. I didnt want them highlighting! Then her husband starting on about the fact that I put up with too much from my kids and should push them and the grand kids into the background! According to him, I have to spend more time with my husband now that he is about to retire. Well, NO because we both have hobbies and we are not joined at the hip like them. OMG everything that I had told her in confidence she had told him and he was throwing it back in my face. How I had to look after that "LAD" who happens to be my husband. That was bad enough but my husband then took their side and agreed with them. It was 3 against one. I had to go to the toilet and have a good cry. By then they had changed their tack but the night for me was ruined! I hate them. We got picked up by them and I was glad when they dropped us off at the B&B. Me and hubby have never argued but we did this time. He was so apologetic but I cannot forget the night or their faces. That is that for me with them. They have phoned 2-3 times per day but I refuse to answer the phone. It spoiled the end of our trip. Ok, how would you guys handle this. I dont want to see/speak to them again. Should I drop them a line and explain or just never get in touch again? I have had lots of tears over this and I really don't seem to know my husband at all. Now I am not looking forward to his retirement.

notanan2 Tue 30-Jul-19 12:02:00

It sounds like you have offlaoded to them A LOT over the years. Sometimes when someone offloads to you repeatedly about the same issue over and over.. you lose patience and tell them to do something about it if it bothers them so much!

Might that be what happened?

dragonfly46 Tue 30-Jul-19 12:07:03

I am so sorry to hear this. You need to make it clear to your DH how upset you are still by this incident.
I would never associate with people who comment on my appearance disparagingly nor would I like them telling me how to conduct my life.

They are obviously aware that they have upset you if they are constantly calling and they must have noticed you were upset on the evening.

In order to draw a line under it I would be inclined to drop them a line and explain how you felt and that you think it better not to see them again. They should not be allowed to get away with such insensitivity and rudeness.

I am sure your DH was just drawn in by them and although seemed to agree with them, at heart really doesn't. Please do not let them spoil your retirement but do sit your DH down and talk it out. Discuss your expectations for retirement - I am sure it will clear the air.

Gonegirl Tue 30-Jul-19 12:07:52

Oh, men are like that! My husband never sticks up for me when I think he should do. I think they just enjoy the sympathy they get from the others. You'll have to forgive and forget so far as he is concerned, but you are doing the right thing with the other couple. You don't need "friends" like them. Forget them.

sodapop Tue 30-Jul-19 12:21:45

Don't dwell too much on your husband's part in this whywhywhy You have told him how you felt about what he did and hopefully he has understood that. Certainly don't let it spoil your retirement plans.
It's a shame your 'friend' chose to share your confidences with her husband and even harder to think they both used this information against you. They sound quite unpleasant and you don't need to see them again do you ?. Put this down to experience and move on.

whywhywhy Tue 30-Jul-19 12:45:00

Gonegirl you are so right. He was enjoying the attention! To be honest I am not violent but I could have smacked his stupid face when we got back to the B&B! He has not backed me before in the past either. We had a really good chat when we got home as we couldnt say much in the B&B. I'm just not going to get in touch with them again, that is it. I feel so upset though as so much was said and at one point her husband was actually shouting at me. Then when they dropped us off he said I had to look after that LAD and stop thinking about myself! I have never thought about myself in my life. I have had 3 children and life has been hard. My husband is now all apologetic.

DanniRae Tue 30-Jul-19 12:48:42

Oh dear what a terrible evening! I would definitely write them a letter and let them know how much they hurt you and that you don't want to have anything more to do with them.

As for your husband mine is just the same in not sticking up for me in company. If it involves our adult children I will say "Don't you jump on the bl**dy band wagon!!". Otherwise I keep quiet and have it out with him later!!
As he has apologised I would put his actions 'behind me' but, as I said, drop the others, especially as your friend let you down so badly.

Sara65 Tue 30-Jul-19 12:52:54

To be honest. I would have told my husband, I doubt he’d have shown a lot of interest, but it wouldn’t occur to me not to tell him

Regarding your husband, he was probably feeling very awkward, and trying to keep the peace, not that that’s really an excuse

It your so called friends, you really don’t need them

Sara65 Tue 30-Jul-19 12:54:38

As for your so called friends

Starlady Tue 30-Jul-19 12:54:45

So sorry this happened to you whywhywhy. How dreadful!

I disagree somewhat w/ sodapop, it's my DH I would be most upset with. He's supposed to be in my corner. However, perhaps he felt hurt by the fact that you have made negative comments about him to your friend. And maybe the comments about needing to spend more time w/ him hit a nerve. Perhaps despite hobbies, etc., he really would like more time together? That's lovely, IMO, though he should have told you in private.

Yes, he has apologized, but has he indicated that he gets what he did wrong? IMO, you need to tell him that in the future, you expect him to stand up for you, and that if he agrees w/ the others, he needs to tell you that afterwards and in private. He doesn't have to pretend to agree w/ you if he doesn't, but he should say, "Don't disrespect my wife" or the like or change the subject. He certainly shouldn't gang up on you w/ other people! If you bring this to his attention and he understands, I think you'll feel better.

As for the "friends," I don't blame you for cutting them off. To my knowledge, it's common for spouses to share information w/ each other, even things told "in confidence." Perhaps you and DH don't do this, but my DH and I do, and also most couples we know. So I'm not surprised that the wife told her husband what you confided in her. But that did not give him leave to start in on you or them to gang up on you that way. And commenting on your appearance was way out of line and simply very bad manners.

I agree w/ dragonfly that you should let them know you're done and then stick to it. Their constant efforts to reach you suggest they're sorry, but I don't see how you (general) could come back from that horrible day. Also, their persistence, sad to say, shows a lack of respect (again) for your feelings. Clearly, you don't wish to talk to them right now, but they want it their way. Hopefully, if you write or email them that you want no further contact, they will back off. If not, just block their phone calls, etc. and move on. xx

Starlady Tue 30-Jul-19 12:56:07

Please don't let them drag you into a back and forth argument about whether or not to end the friendship. Just tell them it's over and don't respond or just block them after that.

Nannyxthree Tue 30-Jul-19 13:12:22

My OH is another who loves to be told that he should be cosseted and laps up that sort of attention without any thought that I might not be amused. It's a case of put up with it or row about it. The choice is yours.

'Friends' being that rude are not friends.

Lessismore Tue 30-Jul-19 13:16:58

Putting on weight is not a dare they?

Minniemoo Tue 30-Jul-19 13:20:16

Not good friends to be having. I'd drop them like a hot potato. The problem with letting them know that you don't want to communicate/visit any more is it leaves them with comeback and apologies and cajoling etc. But then again with today's technology you can just block their number from their phone. Good luck. And I am sure your husband has learned his lesson.

Minniemoo Tue 30-Jul-19 13:20:56

Block their number from your phone that should be!

Sara65 Tue 30-Jul-19 13:21:51

Agree with Starlady, end it

love0c Tue 30-Jul-19 13:25:44

They are not 'friends'. Ignore them and forget about them now. They will get the message. Tell your husband what you are going to do so he knows. The argument with your husband was due to their behaviour. You are now home so revert back to how you and your husband normally are with each other. In another few days you will feel a lot better as you will have taken a decision and moved on. Don't worry anymore about this anymore, please. You will not bump into them in your area!

Daisymae Tue 30-Jul-19 13:39:07

I would be inclined to text them that you feel very hurt and have no wish to see them again. Keep it short. Delete them and bar the number. I certainly would not bother with a letter. Your husband probably got caught up in the moment, so it is important to move on and not let it spoil your relationship with him, especially as he has recognised that he was in the wrong.

fizzers Tue 30-Jul-19 14:38:08

Sometimes it's great to have a good old bitch and moan and put the world to rights with likeminded friends, what's not good is when that friend goes and passes everything on to her OH, who in turn uses that information against you. I would drop these two like hot coals.

Dear God some of my friends partners would die if they knew what I knew! I would not tell a single soul let alone use it against them

Grammaretto Tue 30-Jul-19 14:59:19

I don't think they fully understand how upset you are so you should tell them.

It began by you confiding in your friend and then she turned it against you - in public. Unforgivable in my book.
Grounds for divorce too although perhaps he gets another chance.

I would have walked out but I suppose you were trapped.

Long ago I was in a kind-of similar situation . I was newly married and with DH, my Inlaws and his uncles and aunts.
One of the uncles began teasing me and pretending to pour beer down my cleavage. I was only young and had no experience of dealing with silly men.
He was rather drunk and the beer did spill. Instead of reprimanding his uncle, my DH tried to make light of it and joked as though I was taking it too seriously.
I was covered in sticky beer and ran off to our room crying.
Even he could not understand why I didn't rejoin the party!!

Namsnanny Tue 30-Jul-19 15:29:37

I agree with fizzles last paragraph!

I wonder if your husband has ‘confided’ — moaned — about you to them in the same way you have and they have taken the view he needs some support?
Of course I’m not agreeing with that statement, just wondering.
Even so they seem to have been very aggressive, and very personal about your looks.
Seems to me they found a way to let their personal feelings out under the guise of ‘advice’.
How ever you do it leave them to themselves.
But I would be a bit more questioning of my husband (if I were you) to see if he is as happy with the marriage as you are.

Tea3 Tue 30-Jul-19 16:06:11

My dear old Mum used to have a great term for this sort of woman, 'my best friend, I hate her'. I have one myself whom I've known (on and off as you can imagine) for 40 years. But only the two of us meet which means I've never felt ganged up on (that must have been awful for you) but she can be a nightmare sometimes with her rude comments and I think, 'That's it, I'm not seeing her again'. 40 years of knowing someone is a long time though, and I understand why you feel torn. Definitely ignore the pair for the time being though...if they were sorry for being nasty where are the flowers etc? Thank you everyone for all the 'my husband wouldn't have stuck up for me either' .... I'm not alone then!

EllanVannin Tue 30-Jul-19 16:54:27

Some people would cause trouble in an empty house.
How sad their lives must be, they should get out more that's all I can say.
A wide berth would be in order and ignore their existence, it's easy to do you don't need people like that around you.

Pantglas1 Tue 30-Jul-19 17:10:33

Reading this thread has reminded me of something similar with some of my girl friends who have a bit of a hero worship thing going on with my husband!

I don’t mean in a sexual way but in that he is very handy and cracks on with jobs, diy, housework, cooking whatever and some of them have had men who were useless albeit they were wealthy.

I’ve long noticed my husband positively beaming, and puffing out his chest when they compliment him or tell me how fortunate I am to have him (I know and I do tell him) but I can get a little irritated when it goes on and on. It’s like having a little boy who needs a gold star from all and sundry!

To OP, only you can decide whether the friendship is worth salvaging, and you don’t have to explain yourself either - they will be aware of the reasons why.

Sara65 Tue 30-Jul-19 18:26:49

Unless I’m ready this wrongly, your husband didn’t come out of it very well, but at least realises how much he’s upset you, and seems genuinely sorry, maybe it started out in a bit of a jokey way, and then turned nasty .

Your friends though, sound really nasty, were they drunk? I admit there are very few things I keep from my husband, but he’d never repeat them, and as for making personal comments about you, unbelievable!

Withdraw with dignity, don’t lower yourself to have anything else to do with them