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I'm hurt and unsure whether to get in touch with them

(60 Posts)
whywhywhy Tue 30-Jul-19 11:57:16

This is a long thread but I will try and keep it short. I have know two people since I was 16. We had a big gap (years) in keeping in touch and finally met up back in 2010. He was friends right through school with my first husband (wife beater) and she was his girlfriend at the age of 16. I met my second husband and then I got back in touch and arranged to meet up. My eldest two children played together years ago with theirs. All now in their 40s. They live 200 miles away and we visit the area to see other friends of mine (husband is from the Midlands - I'm from the North East) once per year. We visited last week and went out for a meal with them and then back to their house for drinks and a natter. Over the last few years I have taken her into my confidence and told her lots of stuff about my life, family etc with not much coming back from her. Well, she had told her husband everything that I have said over the years. They picked at me from the start of entering their house pointing out that I had put on weight (yes I have) and my ankles were swollen. We had spent everyday walking about in the sweltering heat, so they were a bit. I didnt want them highlighting! Then her husband starting on about the fact that I put up with too much from my kids and should push them and the grand kids into the background! According to him, I have to spend more time with my husband now that he is about to retire. Well, NO because we both have hobbies and we are not joined at the hip like them. OMG everything that I had told her in confidence she had told him and he was throwing it back in my face. How I had to look after that "LAD" who happens to be my husband. That was bad enough but my husband then took their side and agreed with them. It was 3 against one. I had to go to the toilet and have a good cry. By then they had changed their tack but the night for me was ruined! I hate them. We got picked up by them and I was glad when they dropped us off at the B&B. Me and hubby have never argued but we did this time. He was so apologetic but I cannot forget the night or their faces. That is that for me with them. They have phoned 2-3 times per day but I refuse to answer the phone. It spoiled the end of our trip. Ok, how would you guys handle this. I dont want to see/speak to them again. Should I drop them a line and explain or just never get in touch again? I have had lots of tears over this and I really don't seem to know my husband at all. Now I am not looking forward to his retirement.

PECS Fri 02-Aug-19 09:08:51

Ok so these people are ' friends' of both you & your husband? Whilst it is none of their business & rude to comment on weight/ ankles etc. perhaps they were genuinely concerned about how you & your DH will adjust to retirement together.? They may have handled it badly / rudely but could they actually have been trying to be " good friends" and say difficult things that needed airing? Sounds as if they got it badly wrong.. but, if you are honest with yourself, is there any bit of unpalatable truth in what they were saying?

Magrithea Thu 01-Aug-19 10:16:19

did you ask her not to tell her DH? Most women tell there OHs something of what their girlfriends tell them unless specifically told not to so maybe you weren't clear enough that none of what you said wasn't to be passed on. It doesn't give them the right to have a go but maybe as other have said you've mentioned it a lot over the years so they felt tht you needed a reality check

Shropshirelass Thu 01-Aug-19 08:23:53

They are not real friends, real friends do not betray confidences. I would just walk away, I wouldn't waste time writing or explains to them, you don't have to justify your actions. Take a deep breath and get on with life with your husband, embrace his retirement. You are entering the U3A, have a wonderful time and you will meet nicer people who will become real friends.

Hetty58 Wed 31-Jul-19 20:52:05

It sounds like perhaps you overshared a little too much information with your friend. Always assume that people will tell their partner what was said. It was inexcusable to comment on your weight and ankles, however - how rude!

It seems that you didn't defend yourself and your husband didn't either. That would encourage them to continue. Maybe an assertiveness course would benefit you. You needed the confidence to nip it in the bud.

EmilyHarburn Wed 31-Jul-19 20:38:34

You and your husband have sorted things out. do not respond to your friends overtures. Drop them. This is a lesson and a learning curve. Confide with greater care, and next time you do so advise the person.friend that you do not expect her to discuss the matter with her husband. You may decide to use a therapist for the more important stuff or even a help line.

Blodwen1910 Wed 31-Jul-19 19:24:32

When autograph books were popular with school leavers I remember one verse clearly.
“ If you have a friend treat her as such,
but never let her know too much,
Because if that friend becomes your foe,
Around the world your secrets go”
I try to instill this into my GC.

whywhywhy Wed 31-Jul-19 19:20:06

Thank you xxx

Avor2 Wed 31-Jul-19 18:33:29

Some friends !!!!!!!!! I am sure they have got the message now, their loss. Enjoy the rest of your life without these people. xx

Lessismore Wed 31-Jul-19 18:07:24

why anybody who critical of weight change is akin to something to be removed from under you shoe.


whywhywhy Wed 31-Jul-19 18:00:31

I did tell him how upset I was and I have cried a lot but not anymore. He is so sorry and wishes he could turn the clock back. Its over and we will move on and survive this.

Overthehills Wed 31-Jul-19 17:52:33

Please, please whywhywhy don’t let these people spoil anymore time with your DH. Men can be a bit hopeless at sticking up for their wives but I’m sure he’s sorry about it now. I think you should tell him how hurt you felt and that you think he should have stuck up for you and then try to put it behind you. Personally I would just ignore all calls from them and hope they get the message but if it goes on too long and is still upsetting you then maybe you should write and say you won’t be seeing them again, and why. I don’t think you need them. I hope time will heal and you and DH will have a long and happy retirement.

Barmeyoldbat Wed 31-Jul-19 16:30:39

You have sorted it, you have dropped your called friends and made it up with your husband.

Why not treat yourself to a break somewhere together, just the two of you and hopefully comeback with better memories.

whywhywhy Wed 31-Jul-19 16:15:30

I just feel sick every time I think of that night but never again. I have decided not to get in touch and that is me finished with them for good. Thank you all so much for your advice.

FC61 Wed 31-Jul-19 14:59:46

I think you are making absolutely the right decision not to get in touch with them .

Lilyflower Wed 31-Jul-19 13:05:39

You can (and should) drop these 'friends' as it doesn't sound as if their boundaries are drawn in the right place.

The real problem is the disloyalty of your DH as he is the one you will be staying with.

However, if he has seen the light and you can keep him away from this rather poisonous pair, the unpleasantness should fizzle out.

If you give in and let the pair back the chances are that your DH and the two of them will drop back into ganging up on you. So stay firm.

Jani31 Wed 31-Jul-19 12:35:29

Toxic friendship needs getting rid of. I would not tell my own family that they are putting on weight 😤

GabriellaG54 Wed 31-Jul-19 12:33:24


And who are you to know what sort of friends I have and to say that my view is wrong.

It's clearly not wrong for me and we all have our opinions which can be freely and politely expressed on GN.

You and I are different people and if you like disclosing your life to your BF that's fine but it doesn't mean that your way is the right way and mine is wrong.

It is indeed good to talk but I can find plenty of topics to discuss other than problems, worries or the minutiae of my life.

Tigertooth Wed 31-Jul-19 12:17:53

Just do a Meghan - don’t reply, don’t answer - cut them out cold.

Tigertooth Wed 31-Jul-19 12:16:52

I can't see the value of telling friends all your woes or your business

This is so wrong, you clearly just don’t have the right friend. I would, and do tell my lovely school-friend Helen everything and anything, and vice-versa, in absolute trust. We’ve never let each other down, and never would.
It’s good to talk and sometimes it needs to be to someone other than DH.

mabon1 Wed 31-Jul-19 11:47:45

Not good friends then?

inishowen Wed 31-Jul-19 11:43:29

I think you should write a letter to them explaining exactly how they hurt you, and ask them not to contact you again. Writing the letter will give you closure. At the moment it's eating away at you because it's unresolved.

sarahellenwhitney Wed 31-Jul-19 11:35:35

Many relation /friendships have been ruined by overindulgence loosening tongues.If H is genuinely sorry for the part he has played then think who is more important to you. You say 'that is that 'with them so stand your ground. After all who needs 'enemies' with so called friends like these

Shalene777 Wed 31-Jul-19 10:37:56

I would answer the phone and see what they have to say for themselves. If they act as though nothing has happened then ditch them, they are not friends. If they apologise, then that is at least that is something but I would let them know they had upset you and that the friendship is now broken because of it.

jaylucy Wed 31-Jul-19 10:21:40

I wonder just why after so long that they suddenly decided it was OK to have a go at you? It's horrible to start off with criticism about your appearance and very rude!
I see no problem with you sharing details of your life with your "friend" but am not surprised that she shared the info with her husband and think you were naive to think she wouldn't - even if you asked her not to!
This so called friendship is at an end and I can see no way back from this even if they were to apologise - the fact that you had to take yourself off for a cry should have made them apologise before you left their house. I would answer the phone next time they call and tell them how hurt you were by their comments all evening and under the circumstances, you would rather they did not contact you in future. Then put the phone down or write it all down in a letter and post it asap but you may still get them trying to contact you - thank heavens they live a distance away!
As far as your husband is concerned, I think you need to sit down and quietly ask if he actually feels that you don't pay him enough attention or spend enough time with him - then you both can change things to move forward together towards his retirement

chelseababy Wed 31-Jul-19 08:23:24

Did you specifically ask her not to tell him? As you've known both of them since 16 she might well have thought it ok. I often use my oh as a sounding board and repeat what others have said (unless told in confidence) Either way it doesn't excuse their personal remarks and ganging up on you.