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I'm hurt and unsure whether to get in touch with them

(60 Posts)
whywhywhy Tue 30-Jul-19 11:57:16

This is a long thread but I will try and keep it short. I have know two people since I was 16. We had a big gap (years) in keeping in touch and finally met up back in 2010. He was friends right through school with my first husband (wife beater) and she was his girlfriend at the age of 16. I met my second husband and then I got back in touch and arranged to meet up. My eldest two children played together years ago with theirs. All now in their 40s. They live 200 miles away and we visit the area to see other friends of mine (husband is from the Midlands - I'm from the North East) once per year. We visited last week and went out for a meal with them and then back to their house for drinks and a natter. Over the last few years I have taken her into my confidence and told her lots of stuff about my life, family etc with not much coming back from her. Well, she had told her husband everything that I have said over the years. They picked at me from the start of entering their house pointing out that I had put on weight (yes I have) and my ankles were swollen. We had spent everyday walking about in the sweltering heat, so they were a bit. I didnt want them highlighting! Then her husband starting on about the fact that I put up with too much from my kids and should push them and the grand kids into the background! According to him, I have to spend more time with my husband now that he is about to retire. Well, NO because we both have hobbies and we are not joined at the hip like them. OMG everything that I had told her in confidence she had told him and he was throwing it back in my face. How I had to look after that "LAD" who happens to be my husband. That was bad enough but my husband then took their side and agreed with them. It was 3 against one. I had to go to the toilet and have a good cry. By then they had changed their tack but the night for me was ruined! I hate them. We got picked up by them and I was glad when they dropped us off at the B&B. Me and hubby have never argued but we did this time. He was so apologetic but I cannot forget the night or their faces. That is that for me with them. They have phoned 2-3 times per day but I refuse to answer the phone. It spoiled the end of our trip. Ok, how would you guys handle this. I dont want to see/speak to them again. Should I drop them a line and explain or just never get in touch again? I have had lots of tears over this and I really don't seem to know my husband at all. Now I am not looking forward to his retirement.

Lessismore Wed 31-Jul-19 18:07:24

why anybody who critical of weight change is akin to something to be removed from under you shoe.


Avor2 Wed 31-Jul-19 18:33:29

Some friends !!!!!!!!! I am sure they have got the message now, their loss. Enjoy the rest of your life without these people. xx

whywhywhy Wed 31-Jul-19 19:20:06

Thank you xxx

Blodwen1910 Wed 31-Jul-19 19:24:32

When autograph books were popular with school leavers I remember one verse clearly.
“ If you have a friend treat her as such,
but never let her know too much,
Because if that friend becomes your foe,
Around the world your secrets go”
I try to instill this into my GC.

EmilyHarburn Wed 31-Jul-19 20:38:34

You and your husband have sorted things out. do not respond to your friends overtures. Drop them. This is a lesson and a learning curve. Confide with greater care, and next time you do so advise the person.friend that you do not expect her to discuss the matter with her husband. You may decide to use a therapist for the more important stuff or even a help line.

Hetty58 Wed 31-Jul-19 20:52:05

It sounds like perhaps you overshared a little too much information with your friend. Always assume that people will tell their partner what was said. It was inexcusable to comment on your weight and ankles, however - how rude!

It seems that you didn't defend yourself and your husband didn't either. That would encourage them to continue. Maybe an assertiveness course would benefit you. You needed the confidence to nip it in the bud.

Shropshirelass Thu 01-Aug-19 08:23:53

They are not real friends, real friends do not betray confidences. I would just walk away, I wouldn't waste time writing or explains to them, you don't have to justify your actions. Take a deep breath and get on with life with your husband, embrace his retirement. You are entering the U3A, have a wonderful time and you will meet nicer people who will become real friends.

Magrithea Thu 01-Aug-19 10:16:19

did you ask her not to tell her DH? Most women tell there OHs something of what their girlfriends tell them unless specifically told not to so maybe you weren't clear enough that none of what you said wasn't to be passed on. It doesn't give them the right to have a go but maybe as other have said you've mentioned it a lot over the years so they felt tht you needed a reality check

PECS Fri 02-Aug-19 09:08:51

Ok so these people are ' friends' of both you & your husband? Whilst it is none of their business & rude to comment on weight/ ankles etc. perhaps they were genuinely concerned about how you & your DH will adjust to retirement together.? They may have handled it badly / rudely but could they actually have been trying to be " good friends" and say difficult things that needed airing? Sounds as if they got it badly wrong.. but, if you are honest with yourself, is there any bit of unpalatable truth in what they were saying?