In law issue... childcare

Dh wont get LO out of nursery as this will require more effort. I think once i decide to stand up and be heard then it will get worse but i will need to continue standing up for myself to start a change.

Good luck MaternityLeave. I hope you start to get respect from your husband and extended family

I think many posters on here forget that the relationship between children and their parents and those same children and their grandparents is very different. I mentioned on a separate thread that whilst I loved my grandmother I was aware that she was not that keen on my mother. I think it was to do with the fact that my parents had me when they were 21, followed by 3 others over the next 7 years. My grandmother did not approve. However, for me she was everything I think a GM should be and I am forever grateful for that. One of the things that GPs have to give is time. I watched my Father with my niece when she was a toddler. He had time and patience to spend with her.

If Maternity Leave is only going back to work for 3 days, why, during the other 2 days, can't you take your childearound to his grandparents and leave him there for an hour or so, at the time of day when he isn't normally tired?

She was planning to take him round for 2.5 hours twice a week, but they felt this wasn't enough.

Somebody who is prepared to throw her toys out of the pram that way until she gets what she wants (referring to MIL, not OP) is not someone I would want around a child.

I do not think the OP needs to be preeched to about the benefits of grandparent contact. She has facilitated LOTS of contact. But its not enough they want total control!

This post is just odd and doesn't ring true. I question why the OP would really want advice when her mind is made up. Perhaps she wants valid reasons (to present to her husband) for refusing the childcare offer. She shouldn't need them, though, as it's her decision anyway!

Hi
I think the other posters have grasped my situation quite well.
Hetty the reason why i posted was because i didnt know whether i was being unreasonable to offer between 2-5 hours contact a week as sufficient or was this too restrictive. I felt it was sufficient. And if posters felt it was sufficient, i wanted help on how i can approach DH and in laws without causing too much disruption.

I just find this conversation really exhausting. The most exhausting one is the one that i have with myself in my mind. Constantly thinking about it. Dreading having the convo and putting my food down. Dealing with consequences from in laws. Not too bothered about DH response. I will just offer him the silent treatment. But with the in laws i am worried about what they will say or do next. Its so draining. I dont think people realise that this is why dils cut contact. I really wanted to be a dil that got on with in laws. And now i realise i will never be that and i am accepting it and feel quite sad by it.

You may find that your mother in laws illness brings you closer, in a strange way.
She may mellow a bit, and begin to appreciate what she has.. here's hoping.

Maternityleave, no, no, no,don't do that.
The little ones need to have their grandparents in their lives.

What “consequences” do you expect from inlaws?

You aren’t their teenager and cannot put you in a time out.

They can kick off and tantrum, and you can put down the phone, walk out, or ignore texts. They have no power over you.

Maternityleave

Take some time off to think. No need to make rush decisions.

It is very understandable you are very exhausted with this situation.

Have you talked to your dh about what rules to follow with his parents? I think that once you feel you are one team, you won't feel so tired.

I know in laws will feel pushed aside and try to get dh to side with them. They will look for other ways to control the situation to force access etc etc. The house buy situation happened because dh and i stood together against my SILs 8 month unreasonable behaviour towards me. They cud not handle us both standing together as a team and we reduced contact for a few months. This sent mil into overdrive, she had a crying session with dh and before u know it we have a house on the same road. Now because of past behaviour, they will push back again and there will be more to come. Sometimes i think just closing the door for good will be the only way i can salvage what sanity i have left.

Maternityleave,

It is crucial you and your dh go to marital therapy. He needs to understand that he is prioritizing the wrong person. Is he open to it?

As for your ILs puffing, screaming, tantruming, faking ER visits, etc. It is part of the game.
What you need is a timeout from them, to difuse the situation and prevent escalating that will burn the bridges. Is it possible for you and baby to take a break from them? It is like a scab, the more you see them, the less you heal and the more it becomes infected.

You are not responsible for ILs' and dh's hurt feelings. They do that to themselves with their unrealistic expectations

Do you communicate with your ILs? If so, stop the social secretary role. Your dh is their new point of contact, for weekend plans, holidays, text messages, everything.

Tell your daycare provider that your ILs are NOT allowed to pick up or visit your child in their facilities. If that happens, they must call you.

Would you be open to move?

Ask yourself, how much longer can you handle this weekly visits to the ILs? Ideally, what frequency and duration would you be happy with?
No need to answer, these are just questions to retake control of your life.

Your ILs need consequences for their entitlement. If they complain they are not happy with the weekly visit, reduce it in half (twice a month vs 4 times a month).
They complain again - make it once a month

If they are passive aggressive with you during the visit? Give them one warning they are to stop it. If they do it one more time, you leave their house with the baby and see them again in 3 months

Actions with consequences will hopefully reshape your relationship.

Finally, only mentally healthy and reasonable relatives are important have in your child's life.
A child can be very happy growing up without his/her grandparents.

crazyH

They do not need manipulative boundary-stompers who can't handle the fact that their children are growing up in their lives.

I would much rather a child have a lovely adopted grandparent than a grandparent who acts as if they're younger than the grandchild.

Agnurse, your post is inaccurate and unfair. The poster needs valuation for her behaviour. There is not a hint if compassion for her in laws or husband or child's feelings. Husbands parents raised and loved her husband, he loves them, his mother is ill, where is the compassion. One day her son will her son treat her the same at the end of her life. her. She is going the right way to losing her husband. I hope he stands his ground.

Just a gentle reminder that this site is for over 50's who are grandparents and it's being hijacked again.. The OP has been given lots of supportive messages but when the toxic comments start by those who are obviously not GP, it really irks me!

So your way Maternity of communicating with your husband is to “ give him the silent treatment “ if he doesn’t do what you want ????

And you didn’t like what your in-laws did previously so you had no contact with them for a few months ???

And you wonder why things are as they are ?

Just a gentle reminder Joyfulnanna, this site is not just for over 50s.
There are lots of GPs that are under 50 ?

You just need to stand your ground OP.

You had already decided that Nursery was the best option for your child so just go with that.
Your MIL is ok at the moment but what happens if the Chemo changes and she needs another type? What happens if she's ill? When my dad had Chemo he had a certain one where he couldn't be around children.

There's so many unpredictable things that could happen.
She's got terminal cancer, she shouldn't be used as regular childcare.

Send your kid to nursery, it's paid for anyway and your MIL still gets visits.

Planning to give DH 'the silent treatment' hmmm Does it work?

aka sulking

I can never keep it up for longer than about an hour.

I've never bothered with sulking..silly behaviour ...better to talk!

Its just another sort of controlling behaviour

I will agree that silent treatment to your husband is childish and counter productive. Stand your ground absolutely, but talk it out.

March, I mentioned earlier that chemo might be unsafe for children to be around and was told I was wrong. Thank you for also mentioning it.