What Would You Do

lucyinthesky I am sorry you are feeling some upset over negative responses. I've been on GN for a couple of months, now, and have noticed that a few will repeatedly take up contrary positions which come across as pointedly argumentative, rude and/or insulting whilst insisting they are simply giving their "opinions". I've commented about this before because I honestly don't understand why. Can't advice be offered minus the intentional barbs? In at least three of the instances that I can recall, the OP has left distraught and determined not to come back. Is that what we want?! People come here for support and the thoughtful perspectives of others, not to hear baseless assumptions and biting criticism. Please come back, Lucy, as there are always several very good points and suggestions made as well as many kind replies on every post. Most who disagree manage to stay on point and do it with tact and consideration. Ignore the rest.

I'm sorry that you feel upset by the comments; but we can only go on what is posted, and if you look at your OP there was no mention of Brexit or you need to use the flat more than before - it was all about your daughter being unreasonable.

I'm afraid that that does come across as disingenuous, and not very fair to your daughter. Based on that post, people suggested that you ask her to leave (which could come across as you wanting validation that you were still being charitable), and it was then that you said that yes, you needed to have that conversation.

Anyway, if it is all sorted, then that's good. With any luck, Brexit won't happen, or there will be a deal that allows EU citizens to continue to be able to stay with their partners, and both you and your daughter will be ok.

Thank you gmarie This hasn't been a pleasant experience at all.

doodledog I do still feel DD was being unreasonable to come into my bedroom to access the ensuite in the mornings before DP or I am up. My view on that hasn't changed but at least there is a solution and I am grateful for helpful comments in resolving the problem.

I didn't mention needing to stay for longer in the flat initially because hopefully Brexit won't happen and it wasn't the main issue I needed to resolve.

I forgot to mention originally that the fully-paid for flat is mine, not hers, which led to some confusion initially. But who remembers everything to put in an OP?

Tell her to pay to have a proper shower installed over the bath in the main bathroom?

I'm glad you have been able to sort this out with your daughter but I have to say that it doesn't seem to be clear cut. First you live in Paris most of the time and partner returns but then you seem to return more frequently as it your home. Then you pay the mortgage, etc and then the flat is actually mortgage free.
It does rather sound to me that you think you are doing all the favours but, in fact, your daughter is also doing you a good turn. You would have difficulty getting insurance without rigorous conditions if you are away more than a certain length of time. She is there making sure that it is all kept together whilst you aren't around which makes it far more secure. You'd probably pay more for a caretaker than she pays in rent! Each time you go away you don't have to shut the place up, you can just up and go. I don't know that you realise that this is very useful so it isn't just about the fact she pays less rent.
I only write this so that if you get into a situation where there may be conflict, you realise her worth as well as the favours you are doing her and any negotiations will come from a better place.

I have been reading these posts with interest.
It is incredible that such a simple problem, in my mind, and which now seems to be solved can generate such negative responses from certain posters.

I have crossed swords with a couple of them on quite innocuous posts. It would seem that they are just looking to contradict and argue for arguing sake. It certainly has prevented me from asking for advice as their first response is the put the OP in the wrong often by misreading the post.

My daughter was a journalist in London so I understand the pressures. She eventually changed career as she saw no future in it. I rather hope your problem is going to be solved organically and I wish your daughter well in her career and relationship.

Yes I can’t understand why some posters are getting aggressive. It’s about a shower and the logistics of sharing a space with an AC. It is resolvable. Good luck OP.

It's clear that some of the most critical posts have been from people who clearly didn't read the whole thread. I know I've been guilty of adding an opinion without reading everything but only if I think I have a helpful suggestion to make and never make a judgement without reading all the posts. Quite frankly in this case some posters look pretty slly as they have made assumptions that later were shown to be completely wrong.
Good luck lucyinthesky - glad it seems to be sorted for now. Whatever happens with Brexit there will be lots of unforseen consequences for many people. Lets hope it can still be stopped. (Runs for cover!)

Thank you Dragonfly46 for your understanding. Out of interest what career path did your DD take after journalism?

Thanks jocork

I wasn't sure about mentioning the Brexshit shambles but unless it is stopped my DP and I will have to make significant changes in our lives as will many other people.

I've just read all five pages of this thread which is more than some of the 'advice' givers have done!
No other suggestions to add but I wanted to say sorry you've been given such a rough ride and wish you well.

Ignore the aggressive posts. Some people just seem to like to take an opposing view, whatever the question.
These are probably the same people who, on other threads, would criticise posters who let their adult children live at home for a nominal or cheap rent, insisting they should be paying full market rent!

How often you are/aren't there shouldn't really make much difference - it is still your 'home'. Your daughter's him too, yes, but as I see it, your not being there a lot of the time shouldn't give her any more (or fewer) rights in that respect than if you lived there all the time.

It sounds like you rub along quite well normally when you are home, so now that you have found an acceptable solution to the specific shower problem, hopefully you can find ways through any future problems as they arise, until the time comes for your DD to move on.
Good luck.

dragonfly46 I have crossed swords with a couple of them on quite innocuous posts. It would seem that they are just looking to contradict and argue for arguing sake.

Exactly. I also thought of starting a post or two but stopped myself for this reason. The problem is that new people are often confused and hurt when responses turn into a vortex of critical and demeaning posts conflicting with truly helpful opinions from a variety of viewpoints and and some offering mainly words of support. What to do? Maybe I'll start my first post on this topic.

Differences of opinions are to be expected on any forum, and in any walk of life, and are perfectly valid and acceptable. What isn't acceptable is when someone starts a discussion, gives the details of the situation and then gets a barrage of posts from people who either:

a) cannot be bothered to read the whole thread and so continues to give advice long after the OP has confirmed a solution has been found

b) cannot be bothered to actually read the OP properly and extrapolates what they think the OP has said and then bashes them for saying something they never said in the first place!

I've seen the latter several times lately and have come to the conclusion that some GN posters are simply looking for an argument. Even when there is nothing contentious about the OP.

Totally agree, Chewbacca. I, too, have come to the conclusion that a few posters simply like stirring the pot for whatever reason. Perhaps they are angry in general or maybe it's just fun for them to rile people up. I don't know.

OP I am glad you and DD have talked and things are already much better.

I did not understand how some posters decided you are being unfair to your DD,

I am glad DD understands.

I think your DD is being unreasonable to expect to use the shower early in the morning in your ensuite when you are living there. She has the option of showering in the evenings or having a bath in the mornings. If she is so desperate to shower in the mornings she should pay for a second shower. Be firm with her and don't discuss it any further. You are being perfectly reasonable.

The problem is that new people are often confused and hurt when responses turn into a vortex of critical and demeaning posts conflicting with truly helpful opinions from a variety of viewpoints and and some offering mainly words of support.

I'm not a newbie. I've been a member of Gransnet for some years although I don't post often. Gransnet posters used to be helpful and supportive which is why I asked this question of them. Sadly there seem to be a number of posters now who react as many Mumsnet ones do, as you say, they are critical and demeaning.

So yes those of us who perhaps are of a more sensitive nature do end up distressed. In future I will not respond to those who are demeaning in their responses. Some are trolling. Perhaps we could all ignore them and Gransnet will return to the way it used to be?

A final thank you to those posters who have been kind, understanding and supportive. It is very much appreciated.

Update - my builder is coming over next week. One step at a time!

Excellent news Lucy, very glad you've got the wheels in motion for the new shower. Fingers crossed he/she turns up! But that's a whole new thread.......!

Does your daughter know you regard your flat in London as your home? How has your daughter come to believe she has full right to the flat if she pays only a nominal rent?

I think you have the right to choose which bedroom will be yours as of right. Is she a kind natured girl? If so you should present yourself as needing to feel you have the right to choose how you will live in your home. I expect the last thing you want is to quarrel, so how you approach your daughter depends entirely on how you usually relate to each other.

My sympathy is mainly with you and I hope she comes to see your point of view the sooner the better.

Alexa if you read the whole thread, you'll see that OP addressed the issue of bedroom allocation way back at the beginning.

Lucyinthesky, I really feel for you. The responses of the "my opinion" brigade who stick their twopenn'th in without having the common courtesy to read the full conversation are really uncalled for. There was a time when an adult daughter returned to live with me after her relationship broke down.
Later, when I had moved to the other side of the country to live with my partner, but still worked in her locality, I stayed in her flat, so I understand the difficulties and also the benefits of sharing space with one's offspring! My home was my predominantly my space, her home was her home and I was the part time lodger.

I'm so pleased you have found an amicable solution to your dilemma. Good luck to you all for the future

Just my 2p lol. As this is the AIBU thread, posters are asking a question and of course there will be dividing opinions. Also many will just respond to the original post. Doesn’t excuse rudeness but isn’t that the whole point of asking AIBU?

Personally I don’t think OP is being unreasonable at all. I think her daughter is showing a fair amount of disrespect

My AC paid “digs” money once they started working. IF they decided to dictate to me my answer would be “my house- my rules”. (Oh how I hated that phrase when my dad used to say it to me)

At no time has the OP even hinted that the flat/house was bought for her daughter. It is HER home no matter how long she spends out of it.

Again personally I would tell my daughter if she wants a shower in her bathroom she can pay for it! She’s working, why not?

But I realize not all mother/daughter relationships are so straightforward and I am pleased you have been upfront and you have reached equilibrium. No fallouts or bad feeling.

How much clearer would you like it to be?
"I have been in a relationship with a French guy whose home is in Paris. I spend most of my time there"