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AIBU? To cull this friendship

(38 Posts)
CatterySlave1 Wed 23-Oct-19 22:14:14

Sorry for the essay but I wanted your opinions and thought I should say it all instead of drip drip.
We’ve been close friends with A&B for about 3 years (more with A than B tbh). We’re currently totally remodelling a bungalow we bought and A told me recently how B was wondering how the builders were getting on, as had been about 4-5 weeks since their last visit. As we were all going to the cinema together in a city about an hour away, we visited to discuss arrangements and I suggested that they visit the bungalow and we go for a cuppa afterwards (house isn’t habitable so couldn’t offer any hospitality). Nothing was confirmed as we went on to discuss other things. On the day of the visit I discussed this visit with A via text, agreed a time (difficult as had to discuss if there’d be time for their lunch before or after the visit with what A had to do that morning) and I again reiterated the invitation to a cuppa afterwards.
When they visited later, B didn’t really seem interested in the house (beyond satisfying curiosity) and frankly couldn’t wait to get away. Because I’d asked twice I didn’t feel like asking again about coffee so the visit ended and off they went!
So hubby and I went off to get some coffee at a place we’d not been to before but enroute to where we had to go next.
But lo and behold A&B we’re parking up to visit the same place we were heading to! I just couldn’t go in and felt awful as though I wasn’t good enough for them to have a cuppa with, and I text them. I got told that they wanted some couples time and she’d arranged it with her husband 2 days previously. Whilst I have absolutely no problem with the fact they wanted couples time, why didn’t they just decline the invitation? Why just ignore the fact I’d asked twice? Unfortunately I was so upset that I said that if we weren’t good enough to spend time together having a cuppa and chat (as wouldn’t at the cinema) then we weren’t going to the cinema as planned so they could have even more time together! Writing this down seems a bit petty now but I was really upset that they didn’t have the decency to decline (either on text or in person at the bungalow or when initially asked) instead of simply ignoring me. But they don’t think they have done anything wrong to apologise for, but even that has made me wonder if I actually really know them at all! So AIBU to think that they don’t respect us as friends and I should cool off the relationship?

wildswan16 Wed 23-Oct-19 22:25:26

I think you are overthinking this whole situation. There are many reasons why your friends might have wanted some time to themselves. Or maybe they were just being polite as your home isn't very habitable yet. Maybe A mentioned B was interested in how you were getting on, but B actually wasn't interested.

If you enjoy their company and friendship then forget about it. If in the future they seem to be distancing themselves from you then that is a shame, but some friendships don't last forever.

M0nica Wed 23-Oct-19 22:32:53

Just see how it goes, if they continue to seem to pull away, just gently pull away yourselves.

I apologise for the pun in advance, but it all seems a storm in a teacup.

CatterySlave1 Wed 23-Oct-19 22:39:24

Wildswan16 that’s why I suggested going for a cuppa and chat somewhere (would’ve been at my expense as I thought it silly to invite them and not be able to offer them a seat let alone a hot drink, and I often have a cuppa at theirs!) But maybe you’re right and this menopausal mood swings is making me prickly and too easily offended. Thanks for both your perspectives.

mumofmadboys Wed 23-Oct-19 22:50:32

If I was you I would just apologise and say I had been oversensitive and then forget about it. Hope it all blows over

BlueBelle Wed 23-Oct-19 23:17:03

Not worth worrying about Let it go

FarNorth Wed 23-Oct-19 23:30:36

You don't know what might be going on with them, that they needed to discuss.

As they hadn't confirmed anything about the cuppa they felt free to go on their way, and if they'd gone somewhere else for their chat you'd have known nothing about it.

Just apologise for over-reacting and see how things go.

Sara65 Thu 24-Oct-19 07:07:50

I agree, something and nothing, not worth falling out over.

If I was A or B I’d feel you were overreacting, as FarNorth said, you don’t know their reasons, they’re probably wondering what on earth they’re meant to have done.

harrigran Thu 24-Oct-19 09:54:56

I agree with all of the comments, storm in a teacup.

ToadsMum Thu 24-Oct-19 10:17:26

They could have had a «domestic» and needed to calm down/clear the air ?

Fiachna50 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:25:40

Just let it go. Things will sort themselves out one way or another. The other couple may have had a reason for doing this, but perhaps don't want to tell you.

jaylucy Thu 24-Oct-19 10:30:41

From what I can gather, they did not agree to have coffee with you in the first place, so it was a complete coincidence that you both went to the same place - it would have been better if you had joked with them that great minds think alike and leaving it at that rather than texting them and asking for an explanation!
Just leave it as is - they are two adults that may well have just wanted to spend time together . I just think you are reading too much into it.

kwest Thu 24-Oct-19 10:32:49

Let it go. If one of them turned out to be seriously ill or worse tomorrow this would be so unimportant that you would wonder why it had been such a big deal.
Make your peace, apologise even if you feel you have done nothing wrong. Carry on your friendship, or not, but you will have done the right thing so you can relax and 'let it go'.

Anthea1948 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:36:14

I totally understand why you felt hurt and rejected, I would have done as well. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with most of the posts on here, I think they made it fairly clear, having ignored your coffee invites twice, that they really didn't want to have coffee with you (sorry, that sounds harsh and, to quote a well-known line, I don't think it's you, it's them). I suggest you now don't contact them again and see if they contact you. If they do, then try and treat it as a new friendship and let go of the old slights, but if they don't, then you're well shot.
Having said that, it doesn't sound as though you'd seen them in a while, prehaps they had some serious problems they needed to talk about privately? Although they could still have spologised and explained instead of ignoring you.

red1 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:37:28

is this the only thing that bothers you about them? I have a similar situation with someone that has lasted 16 years, its all on their terms,i'm starting to wise up that i have given far too much of myself.Frendships i feel should flow ,with the inevitable twists and turns,give and take, do unto others etc.
If it becomes hard work then is it time to let them go?

FlexibleFriend Thu 24-Oct-19 10:38:06

Massive over reaction on your part, jeez if you'd just gone in for a coffee and laughed it off it would have all been avoided. You feeling you're not good enough for them is on you not them and they're no doubt bewildered by what they've done for you to behave as you did.

georgia101 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:43:58

I would have been hurt by this too, and don't agree with the other opinions on this thread. If they couldn't just say they had other plans and decline the offer of going for coffee together, or seem that interested in a big event going on in your life, then there isn't much communication going on here. I'd be inclined to let this friendship (if that's what it is) just drop away.

Treelover Thu 24-Oct-19 10:46:31

Your gut feelings over this are probably right - but when you try to put them into words and actions they can seem weird. Embarrassing for all really. never mind. Couple relationships are complex, it's really a big ask for all four people to be at ease with each other. B is probably putting foot down making it difficult for A. Accept the limitations, honour the boundaries, don't offer more in future.

Tweedle24 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:47:35

Why not just apologise for overreacting, buy her some flowers and say you were stressed and over sensitive because of the building and see what happens?

CatterySlave1 Thu 24-Oct-19 10:53:16

Thanks for taking the time everyone. I guess I’m just super sensitive. I suppose I’m used to accepting or declining invitations rather than just ignoring it and it felt quite rude. Then to see them there confirmed that they wanted the cuppa but not the company. I’ve absolutely no problem with them declining the invitation but wish they’d done so instead of ignoring it and going anyway. Thanks for the advice. I’ll suck my pride in lol

TashHag Thu 24-Oct-19 10:54:56

Definitely you’re being very precious and unnecessary over this, I’m sorry. Storm in a coffee cup, or what.

TashHag Thu 24-Oct-19 10:57:18

Sorry, Monica... didn’t see your reply; you got in first! grin

crimpedhalo Thu 24-Oct-19 11:00:44

My gut reaction has never been wrong even though I've ignored or fought against it. Go with yours. I think it's rude not to acknowledge invitations however casually mentioned. I had a friend for over 30 years but hadn't a clue that she displayed behaviour I discovered was narcissistic. I've dropped her now and have such a sense of freedom from her lying manipulative drama.

janeainsworth Thu 24-Oct-19 11:05:07

Perhaps they just changed their mind & decided they fancied a cuppa after all?
It’s really no big deal.
It’s always better to assume that any offence taken isn’t intended by the perpetrators!

grannybuy Thu 24-Oct-19 11:13:01

It is odd that if you were all going to the cinema together, they opted to do the ' in between bit ' by themselves.