Gransnet forums


Don’t want to go

(113 Posts)
Ohmother Sun 03-Nov-19 18:39:29

My neighbour and friend of many years is having a 70th suprise birthday party thrown by his daughter. I really don’t like the daughter as she and most of her family are snobby, looks down their noses at ‘plebs’ and are very opinionated. I am assertive so I generally just laugh at the things her father tells me the daughters says. Her word is law in his eyes by the way.

I don’t wish to meet up at this party with the rest of the snobs in the family. Should I go or should I just take my friend out to lunch to mark the occasion as I’d planned? I know he would like me there but I’m dreading the occasion.?

Tangerine Sun 03-Nov-19 22:13:47

If you think a lot of your friend, why not go for a short period? Have an excuse ready to make an exit. Perhaps get a friend to ring you halfway through to provide you with one.

If you're enjoying the party, you can stay. Friend on the phone can be primed for this eventuality.

You can still go out to lunch another time with your friend.

annodomini Sun 03-Nov-19 22:15:21

The party is sure to have more guests than just the family members you don't like. Parties are for mingling, so perhaps you will find some guests you know and like. You know your friend would like you to be there so how are you going to explain your absence if you stay away? If I were you I'd go and enjoy the canapés and maybe a glass or two of bubbly. Throw your misgivings to the wind!

SueDonim Sun 03-Nov-19 22:42:05

The party is for your friend, not his daughter, so I'd go. You now say you have a fellow reluctant-party-goer so link arms and be friends in adversity! Stay for a polite length of time then go home and laugh at his daughter's ridiculousness. smile

Callistemon Sun 03-Nov-19 23:24:21

I really don’t like the daughter as she and most of her family are snobby, looks down their noses at ‘plebs’

But she has invited you Ohmother, so she obviously thinks that you are not a pleb and are socially acceptable!

Go, enjoy yourself, try not to be too assertive (remember, the party is for your friend) and enjoy the canapes!

Callistemon Sun 03-Nov-19 23:25:24


MissAdventure Sun 03-Nov-19 23:33:51

One tip for relaxing you and ensuring you have fun:

Just imagine anyone you don't like as being trouserless (or nude, depending how the mood takes you)

mumofmadboys Mon 04-Nov-19 04:17:21

I would go. You may well enjoy it. You may find you like the people more than you thought you did and it is only for a few hours of your life. Support your friend.

annep1 Mon 04-Nov-19 04:52:16

I think you should go. Your friend will be pleased to see you there.
I would go with an open mind, you may enjoy it - even the canapés!

gmarie Mon 04-Nov-19 05:02:21

I would stop by with a handmade cake or desert and say, "I'm so sorry I can't stay as I'm just on my way to _ but wanted to bring this by and give you a hug. Let's have lunch some time this week" or something to that effect.

TwiceAsNice Mon 04-Nov-19 05:53:41

I would go. Why be mean to your friend just because his daughter organises it? Especially if you have another like minded friend to go with. Leave early if you like but see what you think on the night. If you don’t go what a snub to your friend

SalsaQueen Mon 04-Nov-19 13:20:13

I agree with LuckyGirl. I don't go anywhere, or see anyone I don't like. Perhaps you could come up with an excuse not to go? Then take your friend out for lunch?

Gingergirl Mon 04-Nov-19 15:21:25

I would make a fleeting visit (conjure up a feasible reason) and in the same breath make it known that the two of you will be going out to celebrate anyway...

Crazygran Mon 04-Nov-19 15:26:06

If you don’t want to go don’t be a wimp. Life is to short !!!!

anti Mon 04-Nov-19 15:28:40

I know how you must feel, life is too short to do things you don't feel comfortable with or people you don't want to be with, but your friend would like you to be there. So, just pop in for an hour and warn him already in advance that you can only stay for a short time, have an excuse ready, but already arrange to take your friend out somewhere later, then you have the best of both worlds!

Jackyf Mon 04-Nov-19 15:29:19

Don’t go x

Aepgirl Mon 04-Nov-19 15:29:50

Of course you should go. Just be grown up and rise above his daughter’s comments. You can always make an excuse to leave early.

Camelotclub Mon 04-Nov-19 15:29:52

You could just go and get drunk! Then you won't care about snobby comments and can answer back.

notanan2 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:33:40

If your friend has a sense of humour about their snobbery, go and play up to the steriotype grin be as "common" as you can and have fun with it wink

Nanny41 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:35:54

I would not go, I am sure there is a nice excuse somewhere and then you could invite your neighbour as planned, to lunch somewhere,I am sure he would appreciate that more.There is no point in making yourself miserable just to please someone you dont like.
Your friend might loathe a surprise party.

Shazmo24 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:36:52

If it's a party then lots of different people will be there so you should go just because this is for a special friend.
I doubt if the daughter will have time to say anything to you as she no doubt will be playing hostess and you're friend will appreciate you being there

Jue1 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:37:13

Ask yourself what is important here?
Your friend, her celebration.
You might want to check it’s not you being a little judgmental but even if they are all Jacob Rees Moggs, so what?, be kind, you might even enjoy yourself.

Kathy1959 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:39:54

I think it’s more awkward because she’s your neighbour. If she was an old friend who lives miles away, it might be easier. Like many of the posts have said, just go for a short time, maybe with this other friend, and then make excuses to leave. You never know, you might really enjoy it and there may be other people there who you weren’t expecting. Better to go and leave, than not to go and worry about what it would have been like.

Nannan2 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:41:13

Yes go with your other friend,for moral support for you both.make a dinner booking or some such for the both of you,so you can genuinely say " we must go now,weve booked a table",or can still take your birthday friend out for lunch or dinner another time,just the 2 of you.

jaylucy Mon 04-Nov-19 15:42:43

If your neighbour is your friend , the party is for her, not her daughter and rest of family, so go !
I have often found that people that you see as snobs are very often very unsure of themselves and just go over the top and end up giving people the wrong idea entirely!
You barely have to speak to the woman, beyond a hello and goodbye- doubt if you will be the only one that has been invited!

CarlyD7 Mon 04-Nov-19 15:55:26

Do you actually know the daughter or are you just going by what her father tells you? In which case, I would go out of sheer curiosity just to find out if he's right! Also, I agree with others - it's a kind thing to do, especially if you can go with another neighbour for support. And remember - it doesn't matter a jot what THEY think of you. Love this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "no-one can make you inferior without your consent". So, don't consent!