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To dislike his female friend?

(86 Posts)
Flaxseed Mon 11-Nov-19 22:02:34

Will try to keep it brief as possible.
I have been with DP for almost 6 years. Live apart. He took early retirement, I still work.
Female friend precedes me by a couple of years. She is the cousin of one of his best friends.
DP, his best friend and the female cousin share a mutual sporting interest.
Every couple of months, they all get together after a game and have an evening meal out. Her parents, and sometimes other friends join them.

I was introduced to the group meal about a year after myself and DP started seeing each other and she seemed ok. She’s very chatty, confident and flirty. Everything I’m not.
At one of the first meals we all got a bit drunk and she started discussing something with me that she hadn’t told anybody else. I thought it was strange - but thought maybe it was easier for her to open up to a ‘stranger’. I listened and gave advice and gave her my number so she could meet up in the future. She swore me to secrecy.
The next day, she messaged DP and asked him to thank me for listening to her, that she had taken my advice and was taking steps to get help.
Needless to say, he was confused as he had no idea what we had discussed and I was annoyed that, whilst she had my number, she had now made it awkward by messaging him instead of me hmm

When we met up again, she didn’t mention anything about it and never has to this day.
Since then, whenever I join them for a meal (I have to miss one every so often if I babysit or work) she makes sure she talks to DP about their mutual interest or mutual friends whom I don’t know. When we all say goodnight she hugs DP just that bit longer than you would hug a friend.
I try not to show it’s bothering me and I do confide in DP afterwards where he constantly reassures me about his feelings for me (which I have never doubted) but he inevitably ends up feeling awkward because he is aware of what she’s like, but does enjoy her company.
I don’t want him to feel awkward. She was his friend before I came along and I know he’s not interested in anything other than their shared interest.

A couple of months ago, DP, his adult children, this woman, and a few others all went away for a few days to a tournament. I could have gone but I am not remotely interested in this sport, nor did I have the time to take off of work. DP was in contact with me a lot and I totally trust him so didn’t have an issue with it.
However, last weekend was the latest meal ‘get together’
I knew she would annoy me more than usual so I was prepared to be the ‘bigger person’ and I asked her how she had enjoyed the trip etc.
What I wasn’t prepared for was her fawning to DP about how much she enjoyed his children’s company. How much fun she had with them, how it was such a shame they couldn’t make the meal (they never come to the meal hmm ) and how she’s making plans to visit one of his DC when they move abroad next year.
I put on such a show I don’t think DP was aware of how it made me feel.
I had to get up early the next day to go to work so haven’t had a chance to speak to him face to face.
There’s no reason she shouldn’t be friends with them of course, but I feel she just wants to penetrate the family anyway she can. For the record, she’s 15 years older than the oldest DC and 20 years younger than DP.
She was apparently quite horrified when someone on the trip asked DP what his future plans were, and he said that living with me was on the agenda.
She was concerned that he wouldn’t ‘be allowed’ to partake in any further trips shock
AIBU to really dislike this woman?

Flaxseed Mon 11-Nov-19 22:04:07

Sorry that wasn’t brief at all grin

annep1 Mon 11-Nov-19 22:05:08

No it wasn't. Will read tomorrow! 😴

tanith Mon 11-Nov-19 22:13:54

It’s interesting that someone else stirred the pot by telling you she was horrified and concerned he wouldn’t be allowed on future trips. I don’t think you are being unreasonable but I’d carry on as you have been doing by being polite but keep her at arms length no more little private chats as it causes awkwardness.

Grammaretto Mon 11-Nov-19 22:48:49

She sounds like bad news to me. A flirt and a troublemaker. The sooner you move in with DP and make it clear you and he are an item without room for 3, the better.
Surely she doesn't take precedence just because she has known him longer.
Some people are only interested in other people's partners.

Eloethan Mon 11-Nov-19 23:16:09

I would find it disturbing and upsetting. I can't think what else you can do than carry on as normal and act as if you couldn't care less. Difficult though.

I agree with Grammaretto.

HappyBumbleBee Mon 11-Nov-19 23:23:50

I second what @Grammaretto said, trouble trouble trouble!
Take the reassurance from your DP and continue to smile sweetly when in the company of this woman - it sounds like she is upping her games as she's desperate for a reaction from you (most likely so she can do a "poor me, I'm so upset routine for attention from your partner) and isn't getting it. She sounds extremely jealous of you, but that's her problem not yours. Keep discussions about her silly games light-hearted between yourself and DP and don't let her come between you, nor let her silly shenanigans put you off socialising at these meals etc xx

MollyPolly60 Tue 12-Nov-19 00:45:00

Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer! Be her friend and keep your eye on her...

Apricity Tue 12-Nov-19 03:52:02

Sounds very much as though this other person is rather peeved by the positive development of your relationship with DP. He appears to have made his feelings about you quite clear (in public as well as privately) and that he sees a closer future with you. This other person may have had some hope it might be her hence trying to ingratiate herself with his family and suggest a prior or larger claim on DPs life.

Stay pleasant, polite and a little distant and don't tell the other person anything personal that you wouldn't tell the whole group. Stick with the old 'if you can't say anything nice don't say anything' principle and don't get get caught up in any of the "it's just between us girls" type of conversations with this person. Anything personal you share with her will come back to bite you.

Best of luck. It's a tricky situation.

BlueBelle Tue 12-Nov-19 04:33:08

Oh you’re a big person, I d find it hard to not feel jealous when they are off on their jollies, although you are obviously very trusting of your partner and he has not given you any reason to doubt him I think she is trouble and has obviously seen a future for herself with your partner hence the reason for wriggling in through his family, her behaviour is disrespectful of you, she definitely has a thing for your partner
Does he see her behaviour as ‘suspect’ or is he just a normal unobservant man
I don’t like her on your behalf 😊
I d make sure I sat away from her at your meals and as apricity says no providing her with fuel by confiding anything to her
I hope you move in together soon and be aware she may up her game.... how very unpleasant for you but don’t let her upset a good relationship

suzette1613 Tue 12-Nov-19 05:51:49

He`s chosen you not her, remember that, though they have that friendship history together.
I agree, be above all this, very difficult I`m sure, don`t let her too close, but be polite and pleasant in a distant sort of way.

I had this happen to me years ago, a friend of my DP shared private jokes with him when we were all together and kept ringing him up. When we moved in together she got the message. I must say I could have punched her in the nose sometimes! Kept my cool though. She moved away and vanished off the scene.

Tedber Tue 12-Nov-19 06:13:16

But he has chosen YOU Flaseed. Remember that.

Sounds to me like she has known DP so long she feels he is hers in some way. Maybe she has held out hope all these years that DP would eventually choose her? Whereas DP doesn’t see it like this. After all, if he did, he has had plenty of opportunity.
What she CAN do, as she is doing, is make you feel uncomfortable so you don’t join them and she has him to herself at matches! Not nice! But have met them - women like that!!! All smiles and butter wouldn’t melt but pure conniving b’s!!!

Unfortunately most men seem blind to this type of manipulation. DP will see it as the friend he thinks she is. Don’t allow her to make you feel like this though. Don’t try to become “friends” or try to stop DP from going to the matches. Give people enough rope and eventually they gang themselves. Like his children will probably see through her.

There is so much more I could write but need to get ready for work.

Sara65 Tue 12-Nov-19 06:56:37

I’m sure we’ve all know a woman like this at some point, other women seem to see through them straight away, but they are clever and manipulative, and if you start making a fuss about her, your partner may spring to her defence, because she’s such a great girl, so much fun.

As others have already said, she’s trying to get a reaction from you, so she can act all hurt “I can’t imagine what I’ve done, I thought we were friends” type of things.

You can’t bank on your partner seeing through her I’m afraid, so just annoy the hell out of her by acting as if she’s of no consequence to you, by being nice, you may provoke her into being nasty and showing her true colours.

She is trouble, that’s for sure.

sodapop Tue 12-Nov-19 07:48:57

I agree with Tedber , its you who was chosen as a life partner flaxseed this woman is just a friend. Good advice here especially " keep your friends close and your enemies closer".

Iam64 Tue 12-Nov-19 07:57:36

The issue here isn't really the 'other woman', it's the response of Flaxeed's partner. He needs a word from the wise, to distance himself from this woman who it seems would like to replace Flaxeed in his affections. He needs to make ti clear that isn't going to happen and stop enjoying the attention quite so much.
Flaxeed can't influence this woman, no matter how close she keeps her. Why would anyone want to develop a fake friendship in order to try and stop the fake friend making off with her partner?

BlueBelle Tue 12-Nov-19 08:09:56

sounds to me as if she’s known him so long she feels he’s hers shes held out hope all these yese but tedbar he has only known her two years longer than flaxseed so it’s not really due to years and years of friendship I think she has seen him as hers though and is using the waddle my way in to her before the spiked horns come out
Flaxseed say nothing to her that could ever be twisted to come back against you because by making you her friend she’s looking for fodder to ‘get’ you with before she sneaks in under the radar
Good luck paint the smile on and sit on the other side of your partner at the meals

Davidhs Tue 12-Nov-19 09:05:03

Single women like this can cause havoc, although she is confident and flirty why is she single and choosing male company. Over the years I have seen a few women like this, they don’t get on with other women and have caused problems for other couples.

I suggest get to know her and find out what her hang ups are, past relationships, career, why she is interested in that particular sport. Form your own opinion what her personality is like, is she just independent or has she got a trait that makes her unattractive. Yourself having no interest in your partners sport and your living apart would give her an opportunity if she made a play for him. How strong is your relationship with him?, why did he choose you over her.

glammanana Tue 12-Nov-19 09:23:28

I agree with BlueBelle she has the the assumption she is his personal friend and is not fond of intruders to their friendship.I would watch her carefully but quietly but let her know you are on to her if you can.
Have you ever asked why she does not have a partner at all (not that everyone needs to have one) it just seems strange she is so taken with your DP and his family.

Hetty58 Tue 12-Nov-19 09:30:14

Jealousy is the jaundice of the soul.

(John Dryden)

Minshy Tue 12-Nov-19 09:45:29

Lots of women like this about.
Don’t feel threatened by her. I’d actually feel sorry for her.
It’s pathetic behaviour and your partner needs to realise this too.
Others in your family gatherings must see this too. It’s probably just unspoken among them

Tigertooth Tue 12-Nov-19 09:49:11


Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer! Be her friend and keep your eye on her

This with bells on .,, and when the next residential is on - go and join them. Even if you have to meet them there for the a solid presence with DP in her eyes.

GreenGran78 Tue 12-Nov-19 10:01:38

She is 20 years older than her partner. I doubt that he would be interested in her in a romantic way. If he is retired, she must be in her 80’s.
She sounds like a rather sad and silly person. I would just accept that she resents anyone muscling in on her friendship, and remain polite, but distant.

jaylucy Tue 12-Nov-19 10:05:45

I just wonder if she has thought of him as more than a friend for some time and actually knew that she never stood a chance , then you came along and in front of you she is either staking a claim to say "I was here before you" or she is making a last desperate grab to get his attention not as a friend but as a woman. The fact that he has told her that he plans to move in with you, will make her realise that she doesn't stand a chance - but it doesn't stop her trying!
Either that or sh is thinking that you will get so p****d off that you and he will split up. Or of course, could be she doesn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to have him!
Her decision to tell you her darkest secret was probably a test to see if you would tell your partner and she rang him just to stir up a bit of trouble between you!
I would just sit tight - he has stated his plans for your future together. Treat her just the same as always however flirty she gets and if she can't get a reaction from you, she will hopefully give up - eventually, but be prepared for a long haul !

Nannan2 Tue 12-Nov-19 10:10:25

Some female friends are ok,some are not,platonic ones ,who wish to stay so,dont act like this- move in with your partner asap,if he doesnt want to,ask why not when he told his friends he was,also beware though shes not just vying for attention,and then you'l be the one with egg on your face,so to speak.i was a platonic friend though,of a man who got together with a woman who 'befriended' him,and after a few weeks she,and her mother,both moved into his house,recently left him by his late father( along with a little money) i tried to warn him,but he wouldnt listen,a few weeks after that she had married him,then started cutting all his friends out of his life,even male ones,stopped going to his local pub,stopped ringing me,(she'd started answering his txts for him)i didnt see my friend often,as id moved out of area,but we had friends in common,and used to 'catch up' every 3mths or so,just a drink& chat.but she stopped all that.& i dont have his number anymore.Now ive heard from a neighbour of his,she ran him up a load of debt,he had to sell the house,and neighbour doesnt know if she left him or not.i hope so,for his sake.Men dont see the 'warning signs' like we do.Ask your partner if you have a future together,or not?6 years to 'be together' without actually being together(living together) seems like procrastinating to me.good luck.hmm

Foxygran Tue 12-Nov-19 10:11:59

Personally, I think she is enjoying rubbing your nose in it. Talking about how much she enjoyed the family’s company and about visiting when they move abroad? A pleasant and tactful person does not have this sort of conversation. Nor the sort of conversation with your DP, about people only they know, excluding you. I don’t like the sound of her at all. She sounds like the sort of person who is ‘out for herself’ with no consideration for others. It’s great that you trust your DP, but I would not trust her.
I would go on the lunches and the trips and be the better person. However, if she has conversations with your DP that exclude you, then tell him that that is unacceptable. If you’re trapped with her and she’s raving on about your DP’s family, (how crass and insensitive is that?) then you rave on some more. Whatever she’s done, you’ve one it better, whatever she knows, that’s old news to you.... etc.
Sorry, she sounds awful to me.