Christmas nightmare

I am not rude, kind hearted people are getting caught up in what this lady will wear. I suggest in her 80's with a broken back and on morphine, and at 7 stone, a party frock is the least of her troubles.

Glad you've made a decision bBarb, it may not be what a lot of posters have suggested or would do themselves but hey ho.

I suffer with back problems and I also can't take anti-depressants or strong pain relief and who wants to sleep their time away ?

I would suggest you do a fashion show of your current clothes just so your husband really appreciates your weight loss.
Perhaps some of your friends could help you out with choosing something, clothes swapping maybe as I'm sure your weight loss has been noticed.

If money is really tight could it be because you are not claiming some benefits you could be entitled to ? Just a thought for the New Year to look into when you feel up to it.

I hope you have a wonderful evening if you do go and please leave when you feel uncomfortable, don't be a martyr .

Dear bBarb
Feel free and at ease to just say NO. Don't worry about disappointment or costs involved.
Wishing you a good recovery

Rude

This is not about clothes. Wake up.

You say ‘you can’t tell your OH’....why? You are being a doormat. Stop hinting or saying you don’t feel well. Your husband is bullying you and will do so if you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself. You say something along the lines of ‘I am in extreme pain, you are absolutely unsupportive and selfish. I am not going to a ball with a couple I can’t stand because, whilst this may be news to you, I am not a pet dog to be told what to do and when to do it. So...you can cancel or you can go with someone else. For your information, things are going to change around here. ‘ You are entitled to a life that you want to live and not what he tells you to do.

Oh, Bharb, what a predicament, your OH has put you in an awful position. He obviously does not realise the extent of what is going on in your body and mind, but he probably bought those tickets with the best of intentions. You did not say if he was aware that you disliked the couple you are going with. If he did then that is inconsiderate on his part, why would you want to pay a lot of money to be in their company? I would certainly say "no" to going if he did, it is his loss, at least the charity get some money. However if he didn't I would perhaps try to go, on condition that if I felt unwell at anytime we would have to leave the party. I know that you don't want to spend money on an outfit but have you thought of charity shops? I am a manager of one and tiny sizes are hard to sell. We have a gorgeous, Minuet, long gold skirt and top, size 6 freshly dry cleaned but it has not sold despite being a fraction of its original price. However, if you feel physically and mentally unable to go, tell him NOW and put an end to it. Worrying about it will make all your symptoms worse and slow down your recovery. x

Do what is best for you. Your husband is being thoughtless. He bought the tickets knowing you are in pain, and even worse going with a couple you cannot stand.
You need to say NO to him.

Be blunt, tell him to sod off . I would but that's just me after years of putting myself last and making sure every one else is happy, most women/wife/mothers do it. No more I for one have had enough lol

Please please, Bbarb, realise this is massive, a huge thing . Our spine, our support is so vital. You have been to hell and back,you can't be putting on a dress and going to something with people you don't like.

addition to my last post - I did try amitriptyline but it made me drowsy and even less able to stand up for myself than usual. I was a pathetic wreck.
I agree we older women were brainwashed to look after everyone else before ourselves, and at 81 I don't think my outlook will ever really set into new ways ...... but I'm better than I used to be at saying 'no'.
We will have been married 60 years next May - so again I'm unlikely to chuck him put or take myself off to a little flat in town. BTW we live in the country and I like the idea of getting a taxi home as someone on here kindly suggested, but the cost ....... also ladies - the cost of a new outfit is just not on the cards. I was brought up not to get into debt, so I won't consider using a credit card either, that's one thing I'm definite about. So its no new outfit.
My daughter is going to help me alter a dresss at the weekend - she lives a long way away so I don't see her often but she understands what her father's like. Shame \i can't wear my pretty high heeled shoes
Oh, and I haven't had any alcohol since the morphine started though I possibly will at Christmas.
Yes, I've told him I'll go on the understanding we come home when I'm ready.

And I really appreciate the support - amazing how much better I feel about it now, just knowing I'm not being selfish.

Can I just say, I don't think any of us should be giving medical advice here. Each body and psychology is different.

Thats a very good point - you have a grain of truth in there I confess.

Bbarb

I don't understand why you haven't said no to be honest.

Your DH meant well but it will not be good for you.
In fact you have no way of knowing if this will cause a set back.
Don't go unless you actually want to go.

Pleasing everyone but yourself is not the way to recover You are in pain and you should look after yourself.
I say this because I never stopped doing stuff while I was in pain and it made things worse. There is a time to push through but is this it?

Don't take the amitriptyline . It has side effects. You might be affected by those. Also it didn't do anything for my pain. It made me drowsy and a bit stupid I gave it a couple of months and stopped.

See if your DH can postpone going out. It is not forever.
I hope you recover soon.

Do please go and talk to your doctor about amitriptyline. Mine suggested it for my severe hip pain last year and I was very resistant as I was sure I didn't need an antidepressant. He just gave me one of those looks (!) and said "if it was me I'd take it", so I gave in. It was a big help and only a low dose so no side effects.

A dear friend of mine had an op on her back last year. She's the sort who grits her teeth and gets on with things. She found the forced 'not doing normal things we all take for granted' the worst. She couldn't sit for long periods & had to walk about or stand which gave the appearance of being better than she was! She has just regained the ability to simple dance again and play with her gd.but there are now limitations. So be aware that recovery is very gradual and slow. She has an understanding husband but it was still horrendous for her. And when youre in pain you dont need life made worse. Stop pleasing others - bite the bullet - demand to be heard. Its NOT being selfish. The first NO is thehardest. Best wishes.

I've had a back injury for over two years. I'd just refuse to go as I know I'd be in extreme pain with no opportunity to lie down when necessary.

All I feel up to doing is local trips out or daytime excursions in the summer (when I take a yoga mat and blanket with me) as travelling often makes things worse.

He just doesn't have a clue so you'll have to explain that it would be an ordeal, rather than a pleasure, for you. He can take somebody else.

In your post you say you ‘ just can’t tell him’. Does that mean you’ve never actually said you can’t go to the dinner? You also say he sighs and goes out of the room when you try to tell him how hard you find things. Could you have been hiding how bad you feel, so seeing you doing Christmas stuff makes him think you’re better than you are?

Is there anyone else who could try explaining to your husband that you are still recovering from a serious injury, are in constant pain, cannot cope physically with the evening out he has planned, and to top it all have lost so much weight that none of your clothes fit?

He might just realise how serious things are if it comes from someone other than you.

If not tell him precisely what you have written here, and point out that all the Christmas preparations you have been making are done entirely because he loves Christmas, not because you really have the energy to do them.

If he pooh-poohs things, tell him that you are not going with him to the function, that you hope he can find someone who would like the ticket, then go to bed and stay there leaving him to cope with everything for the next two days.

When he asks when you are going to get up again, say, "When my back stops hurting so fiendishly, sometime next year, probably."

I cannot understand why your GP is talking about anti-depressants, you are recovering from a serious injury. I would see another doctor and try acupuncture to see if you could perhaps get some relief from pain.

Are you sure that the chairs you sit in and the mattress on your bed are suitable? I know a new mattress wouldn't entirely solve the problem of back pain, but it might help. Your physiotherapist should be able to advise about how hard or soft a mattress you need. If you aren't going to physiotherapy, get a referral.

I can't pretend to say whether your husband is totally lacking in empathy - it sounds like it, but in my opinion men of our generation haven't been taught to try and consider other peoples' feelings.

Please stop trying to be the perfect housewife. If he wants Christmas as it always has been, he will need to do the work.

You are on morphine for a broken back and you made a cake!!!

Unbelievable. STOP. Put yourself first. Make an appointment with the GP. Insist on one. Get some medical help.
Do not even consider the night out,he can sell the tickets.

FWIW from NHS website:
Amitriptyline is a medicine used to treat pain.
It's especially good for nerve pain such as back pain and neuralgia.
It can also help prevent migraine attacks.
Amitriptyline is available on prescription. It comes as tablets and as a liquid.

An antidepressant often prescribed for pain is Amitryptiline, quite an old one but effective. And if your DH bought those tickets without consulting you, you are under no obligation to go to this event. Courage, woman! Say no!

Bbarb, I really feel for you & completely disagree with the others who say “he’s being kind” & you should make the effort to go, for him” etc. He is not being kind at all, don’t know how long you’ve been together, but there are red flags jumping out, that he has so little empathy or idea of what you’re going through.

I also think that society has brainwashed many women (especially those of us older women) into automatically making allowance for our menfolk, putting up with a lot & putting their needs first.

I think you should look at other options to help your pain & put yourself first, your health & wellbeing matters. Your doctor doesn’t sound great, try another one in the same practice. This can be difficult to do, but I made myself do it some time back. Technically, you’re not really under 1 set GP any longer. May also be worth calling the Samaritans or similar women’s helpline in your area & get support/advice/listening ear. Do you have other family/friends you could talk to? All the best.

Oh Bbarb how I feel for you. I don't think that youhusband was being deliberately awkward or unkind in booking those tickets but he really should have asked you furst. Sureky he knows you cannit stand the other couple. In your place I would simply refuse to go. You are in pain as you need morphine so you do what makes you happy and dont consider anyone else. I am just about to leave for my daily radiotherapy on my back and DH qaants to di a coupke if ither thibgs firat so asked what time we should leave. 2.39 I saud and he has been sitting in the car with the engine for the last 5 minutes. Getting me very wound up when he knows I need to stay as calm as possible before having the mask fitted over my face and clipped to the bed. Off now so please excuse the spelling mistakes.

My DH, a medical doctor told me 40 years ago ' Remember you are always on your own' He also said ' A trouble shared is a trouble doubled'
Initially, I thought, 'You miserable old *' but then I thought further and the ideas gave me strength...... I am a person in my own right and can determine what happens to me. Anybody else's solution is not necessarily the best for me
I found that this helped me to try to put myself first for once and I'm the only one who can truly define my own condition. Any other definition is from another person's point of view