Christmas nightmare

You are not being the least bit unreasonable. He is! How you even bothered to make a Xmas cake and put up decorations I can't imagine. Don't go even though the money will be wasted. Your husband sounds totally selfish. I hope he has been more caring during the recovery from your back injury.
I feel every sympathy for you.

'desperately'.

What a stressful situation for you. Your OH needs to understand that he can resell the tickets, ask someone else to go with him (if you are happy with that) gift the tickets to another couple, or just regard the ticket price as a donation to the charity. Above all he needs to recognise that you absolutely should not go if you are in pain, and see the event as an uphill struggle, particularly as you will be in the company of people you don't like! That would be the nail in the coffin for me - if you were to have good company it might be a case of grit the teeth and struggle through, if you desperatly wanted to go, but you don't! Even if you were to do that you might find the resultant pain and discomfort a very high price to pay for forcing yourself on, when you have had a major body trauma that still doesn't sound as if it is healed. Good luck to you; as others have said, dig those heels in and remember 'No' is a very powerful word.

Jay Lucy recommended looking at alternative therapies.
At the moment I am suffering from sciatica and am having acupuncture treatment.
I feel much better for it and although it might not be suitable for your condition.it may be worth checking it out.

Bbarb, you poor love! Constant back pain is a grim thing to cope with, I know from experience. Time to put your foot down with a firm hand..it may be difficult, and something you would prefer not to have to deal with, but your OH needs to be told, and quickly, that you are not going to accompany him to this 'do'. Do you have any family who could explain to him exactly how much pain you are in? Or could your doctor perhaps have a word with him? He might take notice of someone with expert knowledge? A party of that type would be hell even if you were attending with your best friends, so the prospect of sitting through it with people you dislike would be a special kind of torture. Show him this thread! If he thought he was being kind, he needs to be put straight. If he was just being selfish, then he doesn't deserve your consideration. Bite the bullet and get it over with, you will feel better mentally once the deed is done, and if he is going to sulk, he has time to get over it before Christmas. One last question...why did YOU put up decorations? I'd have thought if he loves them so much, he'd be capable of doing that himself!

I am so sorry to hear about your back. It must be dreadfully painful. I am in agreement with others here: you wont enjoy yourself at the do, so just don't go.

Regarding clothes, I have a really bad knee and now cannot walk around the shops expecially in the cold. I have just discovered that I can buy clothes on the internet and there is one place with endless choice, its called Floryday. I have just ordered a lovely dress from them and I hope it is all right. As this is my first experience of buying online I cannot recommend them, but maybe others can? Prices seem reasonable and a lot have been reduced. Worth a look.
Whatever happens. I hope you have a lovely Christmas. x

Charity begins at home! Sounds to me that this is all about him not you. Saying it’s for charity doesn’t validate a selfish gesture in my opinion. He’s given little thought to you ... recovering from a major trauma and feeling not at your best in any shape or form.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t realise how badly you feel it’s because you haven’t told him! Time to sit down together and let him know exactly how this dreadful injury has and continues to affect you and that it’s about the little, kind gestures not the grand ones. Tell him also how you feel about the other couple ... it sounds like a nightmare occasion even if you were fit and well. Be assertive - there will be other events where charities can be supported but not so your health. All the best x

Try speaking to him. Although you might surprise yourself and enjoy it and he might have been thinking to take your mind of everything it's something completely different and for one night only you can forget about your pain. I'm sure there be seats to sit down on and take rests.

Personally I would only take anti depressants if you really feel you need to, whether they will ease the pain physically only your doctor can answer that. Good luck

I agree with those who say you shouldn’t go.
Your husband has already bought the tickets so perhaps you could suggest that they are given to someone who might like them and who would donate to a Charity of your choice.in lieu of payment
That will make you feel so much better too.

I don't think that he isn't caring - he may well have bought the tickets for you as a treat, thinking that as you had been so ill and stuck in the house, that you would enjoy an evening out!
As for the clothes, quite frankly, most men don't take much notice of what women are wearing - he'd open the wardrobe door , see the clothes, and think that you'd be fine - the fact that they no longer fit, wouldn't enter his head!
You need to sit him down and just tell him what you have told us now, while there is still a chance that the tickets can be resold, or he can get a refund.
There is nothing worse than being somewhere that you don't want to be when you are not feeling well. My ex bought tickets for a show when I was at the sicky part of my pregnancy - he just couldn't understand that I did not want to be sitting in a cramped space , in the middle of the row, when all I wanted to do was vomit!
Talk to your OH, and also see if alternative therapies such as accupuncture, a massage or a different drug from your GP can help with the pain.

I don’t think you should go. It’s impossible to enjoy yourself when you’re in pain, or feeling below par in any way for that matter. You’ve had a major injury, and pain killers are meant to see you through, whilst doing relatively little, rest and gentle exercise. They won’t help if you’re out doing something that you need to be on top for. Being out late, dancing, sitting for ages in uncomfortable chairs maybe, and all in the cold! Your husband needs to grasp the meaning of “no”, and you need to be assertive with it. He will suffer afterwards, if this disables you further. Look after yourself.

Tell him to fuck off - you’re back hurts and you’re not going. End of. How DARE he get annoyed with you?!?

Oh my dear life can be so very difficult. I have been unable to move because of back pain....couldn’t even get in my car to drive. I am blessed to have a chiropractor at the bottom of my road. Took a few sessions...sorted.....but I will always have back issues because of a leg injury.
As to antidepressants...think of them as a ‘sticking plaster’...with you for the moment of healing...may not be needed for too long.. you will need to take them for at least two weeks before they take effect.
Once you’ve got these two serious elements sorted I feel you will be better able to find an outfit...probably from your own collection...a belt, scarf, jewellery can change the look and charity shops sell some wonderful pieces. Why does it have to be new....the trend now is to recycle, reuse and to be climate aware.
Hopefully you will feel better in spirit and body and will be able to enjoy yourself. You don’t have to stay until the end...but if things go well...you will.
Good luck and good health.
Oh...and by the way...I’ve been taking antidepressants for some while.....I think of it as my walking stick....ever hopeful I will lose it someday.

I am so shocked that your doctor hasn't offered more help or even the hospital.

I had a bad injury earlier this year and was finding it emotionally difficult to cope with it. Some pain since and lack of mobility but it was coping with "threats".

I use this word wisely as the hospital therapist suggested counselling (done free here - Cornwall). They talk about events, like yours as threats and gave me ways of coping and dealing with them.

Go back to your doctor please or talk to someone at the hospital if you still go.

I now find it much easier to copy and deal / talk about the "threats" with my DH and family. They hadn't realised just how hard I was finding it.

Good luckBbarb

No doubt that if he was in your position he wouldn’t go!Sounds a very selfish man with no empathy.Stick to your guns and don’t go! morphine you really must be in awful pain .so good luck and keep smiling through.Who wants to spend time with people we can’t stand anyway!Life is too short!

Jeez what an utterly selfish bore! Tell him NO you are putting your recovery before his wants. No ifs no buts you and your pain management are far more important than a posh charity do - I'd be telling him to do one selfish man!

Dig your heels in on this one. The boot in our house is on the other foot, DH is very unwell with hidden condition, so I do all the chores, caring etc., until I say NO. There is a limit to how much you can/have done, and he needs to understand that limit. It is grossly unfair on you to chose his 'fun' things that make it nigh on impossible for you to enjoy.

Don't pander to him.
Make it absolutely clear that you can't go.
It isn't about letting him down gently or about preferring to stay at home.
No shades of grey and compromise!
Tell him you've thought about and are disappointed that he can't see it for himself but you simply can't go!

You don't have to go. Because he can't see the injury, he does not have to think about it.
You need to tell him what you have written in your post. He had put you in a very difficult position, but the solution lies within your hands.

You poor thing, you say you are almost recovered, but you are still on Morphine, this means that you haven’t ‘almost recovered’ and pushing yourself too much will make the healing process take longer. Take it easy, listen to your body and if that means not doing much for Christmas or whatever else you would normally do then that is what you will have to do. Any jolt or slip could set you back weeks. Let him go on his own or take a friend, if he refuses to understand then you must stand firm. Feeling under pressure to get back to normal will make you feel depressed, just let your body heal in its own time. I didn’t break my back, but my back operation took way longer to get over than I thought and the Morphine was great but had some side effects including making me tearful and anxious. I hope you get better very soon, but be kind to yourself.

You will feel better (about the charity do) when you have made a firm decision. It sounds like it is just too much for you and even if it makes your husband cross, I think you should say very simply that you cannot contemplate going - not because you have nothing to wear, but because you are exhausted, in pain and would be miserable.

How your husband reacts is up to him. You could even phone the other couple and explain to them that you are simply not well enough. Leave it up to the other three to decide what to do.

Maybe he thought he was being kind, giving you a treat after your dreadful year. (Men sometimes/often get it wrong). Having major trauma does not only take it out on the body, but on the brain and emotions as well. Give yourself time to recover. .

I was also going to suggest going back to the GP and discussing amitriptyline. It's an older antidepressant but they mainly prescribe it for pain relief now. I had it for chronic severe stomach pain after a bout of pancreatitis and it really helped because it lifted my mood into the bargain. It takes a couple of weeks to work. Also, do. please be brave and talk to them about your weight. I've been there too and know you will be feeling ill and unwell and low just by having so little weight on you - your body won't be functioning well. Get the GP support.

In the meanwhile, hold firm on the charity do if you don't want to go. Let him resell the tickets or take a friend/ family member instead.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't see the problem. The answer would be a firm NO !

You are recovering from a broken back, in pain, but your husband is expecting you to attend a Christmas do where I assume you will be expected to sit for hours and will he be expecting you to dance? He's having a laugh. Im sorry but you need to tell him you are in alot of pain and will not be able to attend this function as you just don't feel up to it. If he walks away and sighs-let him. I'm sure if he was in your situation, youd be expected to offer sympathy and run about after him! He is a selfish, self centred man. If you have adult children can you not get them to talk to their father? If he won't listen or believe you are in all this pain, Im sure they would and can perhaps explain to Dad just how much agony you are in. I've never heard the like. Tell him straight you are not up to this, if he does not like it-tough. Please return to your GP regarding the back pain and ask if they will refer you to some kind of pain management clinic, break down and cry and tell them just how bad it is. Wishing you the very best and hope you will get some relief from your pain. So sorry you are in this situation.