Feeling hurt over unappreciated gift

On this thread and others with a similar subject it is all about the giver of the gift and how they feel, the recipient did not ask for any gift let alone something specific that they did not want or need.

Would you rather they enthused over it then hid it in a cupboard whilst you buy things in a similar vein for future birthdays and Christmas.

In this case it wasnt even the son in law that said he didnt like it, it was the daughter.

I always (genuinely) appreciate every gift I get and always make use of it! I also try to buy with care so can understand your upset Willa.

I found similar with one son in law who has everything and another who only likes a certain designer!

I gave up! Then suggested having a secret Santa which isn’t actually so secret! As orders are put in! This year I decided to donate to charity! Nobody noticed or certainly didn’t mind and it made me feel good too!

I am going to continue this as would rather give to good causes than give to people who don’t really need it.

Mixed feelings amongst friends. Some saying it’s not the spirit of Christmas but to me it is EXACTLY the spirit of Christmas !

I once bought my daughter in law a lovely expensive jewellery box for Christmas as she always just left her jewellery all over the house.
She opened the wrapping, looked at the box, and immediately handed it back saying, "Thank you, but I am sorry I just don't like it." I kept it and only give her garden vouchers now. She is known for being outspoken. Best not to worry about gifts, give vouchers instead.

I always ask what is wanted and always try and get a gift receipt in case it's not the right thing. No problems with that. Children and grandchildren know I have made an effort and they always ask if I would mind it they changed it. It's so difficult, especially if you are spending a lot of money, to get things right. My advice? Always check first.

Im at a stage now where I ask if there is anything in particular my adult children want..I buy a couple of silly bits and if they dont like or use them so what? Gifting money is always an option but I much prefer sharing my time with them.
A walk through woodland, a meal out, babysitting or cinema trip have far more value to them than they may even realize yet...

For those who are so disgusted he was so rude, could you please explain how he was rude?

He said thank you, he didn’t say anything negative, and in fact it was his wife who said he didn’t like it, only after she was asked!
OP took it upon herself to return the gift, and now doesn’t want to replace it because her feelings were hurt.

Should he have fawned over it and lied? Then kept something he didn’t want, possibly for years, to please her?

I agree with Summerlove. We all get gifts are don't want. He did thank you. So just forget it.

Well what do you buy the man who has everything? Nothing. He could have at least shown some interest in the present after you took the time and effort to buy it for him. Personally I don't make guesses for my daughter and her husband, I ask each of them separately to give me an idea of what the other would like and choose a gift from their suggestions. It means they get what they want and I can select a gift to buy.

A man insensitive to the feelings of others? Surely not!

Gifts should be throw -away inexpensive small tokens of affection or regard preferably made by the donor. Jokey ones are good if you can do it. This is what I decided on my on behalf and after talking it over with a son.I will be making all my own next Xmas if I am still able and alive. or maybe a tin of soup or something silly.

Real valuable gifts are stuff they obviously require such as new school blazers for the kids depending on what you can afford or want to give and how much they need it.

We made the decision years ago, to not buy any gifts for adults, even our adult children. We also do not want them given to us. Opening presents always made me anxious, because nine times out of ten, I didn’t like or want them. The last gift we gave an adult, was at Christmas, around the early eighties. It was to my late MIL, who didn’t say anything herself, but my sister in law said it wasn’t personal enough! The next year she got deodorant! Then we stopped. We have on occasion, surprised, mainly our children, or each other, ( husband), with something out of the blue. Usually it’s been helping them out with something, but Christmas and birthdays........no, only the children.

pS Willa is one of many many victims of a silly tradition that has got out of hand.

We have resorted to giving money,but then it throws up the how much to give debate.
Cinema tickets can be a good compromise.
But please try not to feel upset about it all , you are not the one with bad manners & a bad attitude, best wishes

This year my DH and SIL were both genuinely delighted with books I had bought at charity shops.

i can see it ,that you have bought his gambling out in public .maybe he's a bit peed off that you done this .why buy something so expensive anyway ,how about a ludo board with a gift card.? maybe its something he did not want. how would you react if it was you ..?

Next year, just ask what they want. But I wouldn't bother doing anything about it now. He's not a spoiled child. He just didn't like the gift and that's okay. Return it and keep the cash. Next year, you'll have a better gift. Or just say "we're not exchanging gifts anymore. We've all got so much!" And give to charity instead.

My mantra is ...don’t buy anything for your children or partners unsolicited ( except flowers) I wasted money initially and now always ask and I must have a list from them, or it’s a voucher.
One of my daughter’s MIL bought her a hideous but expensive handbag, and my Daughter tried to give it to me.
I learned the hard way.
One of my DIls gave me a bag of vitamins in December for the over 50’s, (that she received free at work) I smiled, what I hoped was a grateful smile as they were unwanted and unsolicited. They are going to go in the bin, as I don’t want them.
Don’t waste money !

"Should he have fawned over it and lied? Then kept something he didn’t want, possibly for years, to please her?"

In another thread with this same issue, plenty of posters thought being polite as saying how much they loved it, thanking the giver multiple times and keeping it in order not to hurt the giver's feelings

That is the definition of dishonesty /lying for me.

No it’s being respectful to the giver, the giver has tried to give something that they hope will be liked or useful or both so saying thank you is acknowledging the effort of the giver if not the actual item.

I send my wish list to my kids...who are the only ones who buy me presents. They get to choose pressie from list. If I don’t send it , they know to get me book or Amazon/Audible tokens . They know I’m avid reader and also listen to books as well. I ask them for a list as well...also get them something they haven’t asked for ...jumpers...jammies bottoms.... socks...always acceptable and in case of son/son in law always appreciated.Daughter more picky so I stick to list or another book token...she’s also great reader. Ask ask ask...it’s the only way.

I agree with Hithere, do you really want a SiL who lies, pretends, fawns? I certainly don’t. He said thank you and only when you asked his wife, were you told it wasn’t his cup of tea.

You have taken his present away without his knowledge, you said you’d get the refund for him but then, you have suggested spending the money on yourself!

Just who is being dishonest here? In my view, a roulette wheel isn't really suitable for family games nights, no skill, all chance! ?

No im with the OP, if it was a very expensive gift and then put to one side as though for charity(or possibly regifting, where the SIL would have been thanked profusely) then she should have returned it herself.in fact she may have to have done it herself as the actual buyer- some places dont let a receiver of a gift return it for lawful reasons.If the SIL only really wanted gift cards then why didnt he TELL EVERYONE in the run up to christmas,so they could each buy him a smaller amount one maybe £10 or £20?,then he'd still end up with a higher amount to buy a higher priced gift with the cards,without one person forking out a lot on him?(theyre not psychic how does anyone know he wanted those if he doesnt tell them?) If he has everything already im assuming hes not short of a bob or two so it wouldnt be a problem for him to make up a difference anyway? My SIL is also a bit hard to buy for( not because he has everything) but i dont go out of my way to buy him handcrafted expensive gifts! This sounds like a case of 'keeping up with the jonses' so next year buy him a charity donation gift so he gives some thought to others.? Or just buy him a small amount gift card,its mostly for kids really so i get theirs then smaller 'token gifts' for the adults so no ones left out.But im always thanked for the gifts and they're opened& looked at.i think maybe he had earmarked it for regifting.Is there a nice malt whiskey or some such he drinks,which he could drink over the holidays & enjoy perhaps? Or a special foodie gift he would appreciate? I try to match the gift with what a person likes,without going over the top on cost.

To avoid this situation I ask my adult children what they, their partners and their children would like for birthdays and Christmas. I have done this for many years and it saves spending money on things that aren't really wanted

I usually ask my adult children what they and their partners would like, but I do know how you feel @Willa45 as last year I gave my daughters and daughter in law hand made Journals for Christmas. I found out later that my daughter in law had given hers straight to her daughter as she did not like it.
It is very hard this present giving business, you put effort in and sometimes it proves wasted.
Now that you have returned the gift, I would buy a gift card as a replacement but not necessarily for the whole amount. And next year just buy him a gift card.

If OP wants to replace his gift then she should buy him some of the gift cards he wanted,to replace the original gift,but not go over the top costwise?