Feeling hurt over unappreciated gift

I understand why you're upset. IME people who 'want for little' moan more about what they consider to be presents which are less than perfect and don't appreciate the effort taken to get them. One of my BILs is a bit like that, the result being that I don't bother to get anything for him now.
If I were you I wouldn't put too much effort into his presents from now on - just a gift token and like it or lump it, if that. It may sound mean but it's mean-spirited to complain. I was brought up to believe that there is just one response required when receiving a present, which is 'thank you.'

He thanked you politely. He's not been rude.

I understand how hurt you feel; those who have lots just don't seem to get excited about gifts the way less endowed people do. Don't take it personally and feel rejected. I am given some ghastly items by well- meaning friends which go straight to the charity shop. If it's an accessory for the home I worry that they'll be upset if they don't spot it when they visit but honestly, I can't display something in my home that offends my aesthetic sensibilities. If people love or respect you they try harder to please you but some are so wrapped up in themselves they don't consider other people's feelings. Just let your disappointment go.

It's obvious that you took a great deal of thought in buying his gift. Make no mistake, it was rude of him to dismiss it, not open the box and then to leave it by the garage door so you were likely (indeed did) see it. His behaviour was wrong and so was your daughter's to be so blunt and tell you he wanted gift cards. It was her responsibility to tell you that before Christmas ..... or was it? Where have the days of gratefully receiving a gift simply because someone has been kind enough to think of you and buy something they thought would please you. Despite the fact I think he most definitely in the wrong, on this ONE occasion I would bite the very nasty tasting bullet, buy him a gift card and send it with your best wishes. That should draw a line under it and stop it festering into the future. I empathise totally. Take care

you put a lot of thought into that gift willa45.You must have been very hurt by his attitude.

For that reason, I never buy expensive gifts. I give money or gift cards and token gifts like pj's or smellies. I always include the receipt, so if they wish, they can exchange them.

Are you really going to upset your relationship over a misjudged gift? He could have been a bit more enthusiastic but that would have been dishonest and next year you might have bought a poker set to go with it. You asked the question of your daughter and now you don't like the answer. I think you ABU if you don't get him a gift card but nobody can help feeling hurt, it's just how you deal with that hurt.

Maybe SIL felt he would look presumptuous asking for vouchers. OP could have asked DD if there was anything SIL wanted. I always ask DD and DS what they, their partners and their children want. That way no one gets an unwanted gift and no one gets a voucher when they would like a gift.

Such a shame your gift idea was not appreciated, but the big 'take' from your post is that he is a good son-in-law. Hang on to that thought, and maybe go with vouchers next time. Or, as many of us on here do, just give a wee token to the adults, or do a family Secret Santa, while giving bigger gifts only to the children.
Have a think about Binkiebonk's post. Don't think anyone else has picked up on it. That might be a more important issue for you to consider.

hi, i had a similar problem with my daughter. She messaged me on 26th Dec to say that my Grandaughter did not like her presents. I am very hurt. ok Grandaughter is 15 now but i thought pygamas cwqere for sleeping in and last year was asked to contribute £200 towards an organ for her so gave less at xmas.The hat scarf and mitts no use either..

OP,

Your feelings are hurt because reality did not meet your expectations.

Now you are punishing your sil.
"You didn't like my present so I take it away! You don't deserve anything!"

It is a childish reaction.
Just change the strategy next year.
Why not talking to your dd about what to do next year?
It would not be wise to have more present drama again and create a precedent.

I appreciate all of you taking the time to share your wisdom, your empathy and even your constructive criticism.

Let me say also that after reading all the replies, I realized it wasn't hurt that I felt, after all. It was that I thought I had finally hit a 'home run'.....I had found the perfect gift for someone who is hard to please....a gift that would finally be received with genuine enthusiasm and joy. When that didn't happen, what I felt was disappointment. Later, I became upset at the notion that even at Christmas, someone would prefer what amounts to a wad of hard cash being passed off as gentrified plastic!

So yes!....he now has his gift card, voucher or however you want to call it. It obviously pleased him to no end. All the same, there were never any hard feelings, much less over this. Even if there had been, we are a forgiving family.

So, (just to get in my last word ) and for whatever it's worth, I was brought up in the school of "It's not the gift itself that matters, it's always the thought that counts".

Thanks again and may the New Year bring you all many blessings

PS. We didn't share any wish lists this year....Not that he's ever provided one anyway Some people enjoy being a pain in the b...t!

The last two years our family has done Secret Santa which has taken the stress out of present giving, you could suggest that.

I ask parents what to buy for their children, and sometimes ask adult members of the family to give me some suggestions. I try to buy what the parents of the children say they would like, and hope these are enjoyed.
I would not spend a lot of money on something, unless I was very sure it would be appreciated.
Sometimes, with some people, you can't win! Don't spend more than you can afford, ever!

A few years ago I found myself in a similar situation. I completely over reacted , mishandled it and consequently announced I was buying no more gifts. Five years on Christmas has become an absolute nightmare for me - everyone tiptoes round it but I have in fact ruined the occasion for everyone. I discovered this year that my husband had secretly bought gifts for the family without telling me (not much thought went into them) Please please don't take it to heart - forget about it - next year gift cards all round. It's not worth making an issue of it - I have found to my cost.

I would give half the value back as a gift card and spend the rest on yourself. Your dd could have given you the heads up re preferring gift cards to save you hunting around. Next Christmas stop buying for the adults or set a limit e.g £10 for a fun gift so it's not a bother and not too many £s wasted if not liked. I only buy for 2 ac and gc and 1 bf. I usually say if anyone buys me anything I have to be able to eat it or drink it. That way once consumed I don't have to find it houseroom

hithere
In another thread with this same issue, plenty of posters thought being polite as saying how much they loved it, thanking the giver multiple times and keeping it in order not to hurt the giver's feelings

That is the definition of dishonesty /lying for me.

Yes, it’s extremely dishonest to me as well. And not only that, it encourages the gift giver to waste more money over the years.

Bridgeit
No it’s being respectful to the giver, the giver has tried to give something that they hope will be liked or useful or both so saying thank you is acknowledging the effort of the giver if not the actual item.

But he DID say thank you.
-nannan2
No im with the OP, if it was a very expensive gift and then put to one side as though for charity

We don’t actually know that that was the plan though. It was just an assumption made according to the original post.

I have never been profusely thanked for anything I have donated to charity. I’m lucky if I get a quick “thank you”

Willa, I’m very glad you are moving past this. Good for you

I think he was very rude and immature. There is a certain etiquette when it comes to receiving presents. If he wanted a gift card, then someone should have told you beforehand. My own grown-up son has complained about several presents we've given him (don't know where he learned such disrespect), and even returned a couple, one of which he asked for (breadmaker)!!! When he was a young boy, he was far more polite in this sort of situation. Now, he sends a link by email of the exact thing he and DIL (and now GC) want. He is another who can buy anything he wants. Still trying to get it right with them as they now say they prefer 'experiences' to create memories rather than stuff. I have also had a present rejected in the past by my grandmother and mother. Perhaps they felt that they could because it was me, or because it was only me. Either way, I was hurt. It can be such a pleasure to give, so it is horrible when that is rejected. Sometimes I wish we could just all gather for a lovely meal and a winter walk and leave it at that.

I think he was very rude. Not sure what I would have done to be honest. Perhaps just give him the receipt so he can get a refund himseld probably. Next year I wouldn't put as much effort in.

Five years ago the whole family discussed gifts and agreed not to buy them any more for anyone over the age of 16. Its been absolute bliss ever since. No hunting for pressies, no risking offence, no waste, no false enthusiasm for things we dont really want. Each part of the family hosts at some point over the festive season and cooks a special meal. Somehow its made meeting up all the more meaningful because we give the gift of each others company and nothing else. I really recommend it. I give my grown up kids money via a bank transfer, meant for them and their families to spend as they wish.

I think O Henry's classic short story, "Gift of the Magi" sums up the whole meaning of gift giving very poignantly.

For those of you who don't recall....At the end, gifts are exchanged but they turn out to be quite useless. They do however, end up being far more precious (to the recipients) on account of the selfless sacrifice that went into procuring them.

I do understand your hurt. I've given presents and never even received a thank you. In future just ask what they want. I bought expensive clothes for my grandson and still waiting for dil thank you. I'll be waiting for ever. When I was young I was grateful for any present given but it seems a different age now.

I don’t see the point of giving gifts to adults who are comfortably off. Even if you give cash or vouchers there is the problem of how much to give to each one. Will it seem over-generous and embarrass the recipient, or not enough, and embarrass you? What it the point of having a merry-go-round of money-giving? Why not suggest, in plenty of time before the next birthday/Christmas that gifts should be just for the children? I bet that the whole family will be secretly relieved to have the burden removed.
As for your problem, willa45, I agree that you should just give your SIL a voucher instead. I can understand that the situation upset you, after taking so much trouble to choose a gift that you thought he would like. He didn’t handle it well. However, you say that he is a good man in every other way, so I would consign the matter to history. People can sometimes act thoughtlessly. Give him a break!

I agree with GreenGran.
We give small presents to the children and if we find a good one, a game to the whole family.
I have had that happen to me too. In my case I had made my DS a gift and he left it behind.