Still not met three week old grandson.

OP, read and digest MarchMom19 post, sensible advise.

I have given this some thought. Personally I wanted people to see my baby. I really do not get this our little family thing, no visitors, but everyone thinks differently.
However parents today do seem to rely on Grandparents alot for childcare as they go back to work. So surely they want the Grandparent to bond with the Grandchild.

I wouldn’t do as pp’s have suggested and ask outright if DIL has PND OP, I think there’s a chance that may annoy them, even if there is. I would ask if everything’s okay, or if you can bring them anything to help out.

As for MarchMom19 suggesting that it’s common for new moms to have 4 weeks with no visitors, I have not heard of anyone do this. And in the last 2 years I’ve known around 20 family members/friends/colleagues who have had children and met many others through baby groups and my daughters nursery. No one has done anything like this. I was considered odd for only having our parents, siblings and close friends visit in the first few weeks. The only place I hear of women having 4 weeks no visitors is mumsnet.

Thinking about this a bit more OP, do you or your husband smoke? When I had DD I wasn’t happy with the idea of FIL visiting and holding my newborn because he smokes, and I knew he would smell of smoke. I obviously did let him, but DH felt the same so just asked his dad to not have a cigarette in the half hour or so before. Is it possible they may be feeling like this?

@eglantine21 I personally didn’t do this, so I can’t really answer. I would go stir crazy as well, I needed to get out at least once a day when baby was really little. Even if that meant just going for a walk. Another thing to note is that if the mom is home all day, in most cases others are at work. Like her friends, family, etc. And even her husband (unless he has paternity leave). I know I definitely didn’t want our precious family weekend time taken up by others at first. Now that my baby is a little older, has a pretty good schedule, we know what to expect and don’t mind at all. Things do get better (I wish I knew that at first!).

I also just want to add that I was in no way, shape or form trying to be rude or unkind. But as someone who is likely OP’s DILs age, I’m just trying to offer her perspective.

I totally understand how you feel. It’s very odd, given you are clearly a million miles from pushy. I’d be quietly upset too. I’m surprised your son or DIL’s mum hasn’t said “Happy must be desperate to see the baby, she must be waiting for an invitation, do you want me to ask her round? When’s a good time?”
I think after this long it would be natural and not pushy to text your son saying you hope all is well and you are missing them all, could you pop in for a quick visit in the next couple of days? You won’t stay long.” - and wait to see what he replies, any hint that it’s not a good idea and you can backtrack furiously. If you get the green light, gift for DIL, wait to be offered a cuddle and don’t stay long. Hopefully then she’ll see that you are “safe” to invite.
I’m not a believer that in the first weeks there has to be fairsies between the mother’s parents and the father’s - because the mother’s parents are probably principally looking after their recovering daughter rather than getting first dibs on the baby. However three weeks in your situation, as understanding as you appear to be, is not very nice
I hope you see them soon.

Thanks*marchmom*. I didn’t think for a minute you were being rude or unkind. I guess I’ve become interested in the new dos and don’ts that new mums are bombarded with.

So interested that Ive done a little googling. I really feel for the OP in that she hasn’t seen her grandson yet but looking at the advice I’ve come across I can see that there’s real pressure to not have visitors, a kind of insistence that it’s a necessary part of “post-Parton preparedness” to quote. An implication that you won’t bond with your baby unless you are exclusive.

You can even buy notices that you put on the door saying “No visitors. I am bonding with my baby”.

I know I definitely didn’t want our precious family weekend time taken up by others at first

New dads normally take a couple of weeks paid paternity or annual leave, so there’s plenty of time for the PIL to get a quick peak at the baby during that time without it impinging on ‘precious family weekend time’. It is hard at the beginning but most new parents who get on with their own parents acknowledge that the new grandparents are keen to meet the baby. It doesn’t have to be a full on, lengthy visit and certainly shouldn’t involve the new mum running after the visitors but after three weeks it should be possible to allow them over the doorstep for half an hour (unless there’s major problems obviously) - especially if you’re able to get yourself and the new baby up and out of the house more than once a day.

Or a sign saying "Please, please come in. I'm up to my neck is dirty washing, and my piles are killing me!"

?

@SieChenjin While I completely agree with you, I was talking personally about our situation. My husband owns his company and couldn’t take much time off. He needed to go work. He was really very good about popping home multiple times a day with a lunch or coffee for me, which was great. I’m in America, so it’s probably different but none of my friends husbands had paternity leave. They had to take vacation time if they wanted to stay home. The most any of my friends husbands took was one week.

I do agree with everyone that 3 weeks does seem excessive. But again, looking back I had a fairly easy baby. None of us know what OP is going through. Some babies don’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. That would be awful. If it’s something like that going on, then I can’t blame the DIL for wanting space to figure things out.

I do understand that it’s different for other families and that not every dad can take time off. I just think that after three weeks it would just be quite nice to allow the grandparents a quick peek at their new DGC (providing they are half decent people who you get on reasonably well with and they don’t expect their son and DiL to run after them while they take up space on the sofa for hours).

I do hope there is a happy update soon.

Why oh why is everything s'popo complicated these days? Let us get everything into perspective fgs! Happygran's grandson was born over 3 weeks ago only about 2 miles from where they live. She and Granddad have yet to see their grandson. Unless the daughter-in-law is suffering from post natal depression, there is absolutely no reason why the paternal grandparents can't see their new grandson. End of story. Just 'pop in' Happygran with something tasty for lunch and a teddy! Don't wait any longer. Please let us know the outcome!

MarchMom19 45 minutes would have been a dream my poor DD1 (now almost 44) slept for 20 mins max.. I know how stressful that is.. I remember crying with guilt an inadequacy as my DH went to work having been awake most of the night, with me, helping to soothe our new daughter.

That was why I was so happy for my MiL to be in the home with me.. she had raised 4 good kids (3 during WW2 & that was not easy ) She came and washed, ironed, changed bed linen, made a meal, walked the baby, allowing me to have a salt bath and a sleep. What's not to like? The way a few less experienced mums refer to experienced mums sometimes feels arrogant ..like they have invented the stress of new motherhood, as if older women never 'bonded' with their babies etc etc .... when in fact we have probably all been there!

3 weeks is a long time in my opinion

PECS

I doubt there’s one amongst us, who can’t remember crying from shear exhaustion, who would have given anything for some unbroken sleep.

But one thing is different now, we at least got a chance to recover, we were in hospital for longer, babies were taken to the night nursery, and fed while you slept. You sat around in the day room chatting to other mothers, and you put in your makeup to graciously receive your visitors!

None of my births were straight forward, and to be honest I was always longing to get home, but I think that having that time to recover made such a difference.

I know that among young mothers now, it probably seems awful to be separated so much from your baby, but you’re no good to anyone if you’re an exhausted wreck.

I dunno. Can't say I'm taken with advice to new mothers nowadays to shut out close family members in early days, not let anyone hold your baby etc. Seems like some 'experts' want to create a sterile world and are giving misguided advice to vulnerable and anxious new mums.

It all depends on the relationship you have with your MiL. Mine is not someone who is particularly interested in her family but is happy to criticise. Not someone I’d have particularly wanted in my house following the births of my DCs. If I was vulnerable after giving birth I’d have been far worse if she’d descended. Experience doesn’t always equate to value.

So much anxiety seems to be triggered in new Mums now. Huge swings in advice about what ‘should’ be. There is 10 years between our oldest grandchild and the youngest. Professional advice to their parents totally different and of course different to advice, well instructions, given to me after a home birth 45 years ago.

It never occurred to my parents they needed an invitation to see us, my mother in law was too far away for short visits so came to stay. It was the norm in my world. As paternal grandparents we were invited by our excited and proud daughter in law to meet two of our grandchildren on the day they were born and also invited to cuddle them. No fuss, no anxiety, it just happened. We were Included as part of a happy family group. It seemed natural.

A worrying complication after the birth of the next grandchild meant we didn’t meet him or be with our much loved daughter in law and son for several days. We worried at a distance and understood as the situation was explained. Those few days were hard and I can also own a pang of envy that the maternal grandmother was with them every step of the way. Havjng said that she kept in touch with us and gave us a mothers eye view of the situation.

So no. happygran I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable. You’re human, like us all you had a picture of how the time after your grandchild arrived would be. Three weeks seems a very long while to me if there were no birth complications. You’ve held back, not hassled the new family, done as you were asked. I’ve no experience to offer advice from. I wonder, do you have a relationship with your co-grandmother? Could you ask her how things are going? It truly wouldn’t seem unreasonable to me that you tell your son gently that you’d love to see them all for a short visit and ask when it would be convenient but then I have no knowledge of him to assess a likely reaction. Be guided by your instinctive knowledge of the young family, it’s OK in my view to feel as you do, feelings are valid. It’s also OK, well essential, to be careful about actions which you’ve certainly been doing. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and hope you get to see them all soon,

I really feel for you. Im in the same situation and it hasn't gone well for us. Her mother lives with her and has driven us out and its two against one for my son. Ours GS is almost two now and we are excluded nearly all the time. I have cried buckets of tears. We put pressure on our son to as you say grow a pair and it created a huge rift. We didn't see them for three months. Hes talking to us now but we only see our grandson once a week. We aren't allowed to babysit or have him on our own. I have now gone to counselling to help me get over the hurt We live five minutes away and were persuaded by our son to move to where he is. Had we have known it would turn out like this we wouldn't have moved. Don't push it. I know how you feel because I had great grandparents and so did our son but its coming from dil and mother. Yes I get jealous too but I now realise theres nothing I can do about it. Yes it hurts. Putting pressure on them may cause a massive rift as it did with us.

Happygran

I think everything has been said, just hope that maybe today will be the day you meet your grandchild

No wonder you feel sad and disappointed OP.Sorry haven't read all the replies as late to the thread .
Of course new mum's and baby should come first in the early days but to exclude one set of grandparents from a quick visit just seems harsh.You don't sound at all overbearing, just want a quick cuddle and to say hello.
Our own DD hasn't got a great relationship with her MIL .She has honestly tried but with her first baby she caused her huge anxiety.Changing her into different clothes she deemed more suitable,ignoring the food she'd prepared for babies snack and giving her what she gave hers 40 years ago.etc.Lots of stuff.Over on Mumsnet they would be saying never let that woman on your house again.Consequently on return to work after no 2 it will a nursery and me providing childcare.MIL gets to see them fairly often for the odd hour or so.
However when baby no 2 was born she saw it's as a necessity -and for her partners sake- and because she is he other Grandma to let her visit .And did it asap in a brief visit.As she said one day there may be an emergency,I'm away or ill and she will need someone to step in as she did recently when she had to rush LO to the doctors.MIL did drop everything and come straight over.I do think some mum's nowadays forget that.Best of luck and hope you get a cuddle soon.

I am very sorry for the OP here; three weeks without being allowed to even see the grandchild is unkind.
If the daughter in law has issues with her in-laws, which I suspect is the case, then she can retire to her bedroom for a short rest while they make a brief visit. That is all that is needed.
The son is at fault here; does he not want his parents to see his child?
I am aware of the dangers of parents going none contact, (it happened to a close friend of mine and was only resolved when they needed money from her) and believe some form of legislation is long overdue, to help grandparents in these situations.

All this talk of jealousy between grandmothers. ( I doubt that
grandfathers would behave in the same way) It's getting so damned competitive. Stop it!!!

The OPs post is as much to do with being hurt as it is about feeling jealous ... and neither are without reason in this case.