Still not met three week old grandson.

Manmar2

Whatever happened to ‘it takes a village to raise a child’? Of course a mother’s wishes should be respected but the OP has given no indication that she’s about to go in with all guns blazing. She’s just wondering wistfully when she might see her new grandchild.

We also need to be careful of what we wish for. One of my sons and his wife also decided on the ‘no visitors for three months’ rule when their first child arrived. When the baby arrived, my son phoned with the news in great excitement and after giving the details he said ‘Oh mum, I wish you and dad could see him, he’s so beautiful!’ As it happened, we were living in sub-Saharan Africa while he was in the US and it wasn’t possible to make the long trip at short notice so there was nothing we could do but wait until the next year.

Funnily enough, when they had their second baby, we were asked well in advance to go out to help with the impending arrival!

I always wanted to show off all my babies, I don’t get why you wouldn’t.

Yes, it takes a village to raise a kid - with my added caveat of "as a parent, I have the input of who gets in that village"
For example, I pick the doctors I trust. Schools, friends, etc.

Maybe you could ask your son whether he thinks DIL has postnatal depression? She may then invite you just to prove she hasn't.

I had this idea as I used to (sneakily) very discreetly ask my 'bright but lazy' students if they felt they needed some help and learning support. Their coursework would be done and handed in promptly!

I think I would take a similar line to Hetty and ask if everything is alright and you’re getting a bit concerned. That you can understand that friends and distant family can’t visit yet, but why is the other immediate family coming in all the time but you can’t? Is something wrong? DiL ok? Baby ok? Have you offended? You may then get that invite to prove all is well.

Yennufer, can I clarify one thing. Agnurse does need telling she is being unreasonable, she clearly isn't thinking of anyone's feelings when she posts, she won't take any notice because she is always right.. If it were just one comment, perhaps it's excusable, but every post. I am very pleased my daughter in law is lovely, I feel very sorry tor those with embittered ones and I am not talking about Panda's when I say that.

I just don't think it is helpful to OP honestly trying to wade through pages of everyone against agnurse who has based her opinion on her own experience as we all do x

I don't think it's helpful to OP to have to read a lot of unpleasant nonsense from posters who are either trying to wind her up or projecting their own experience onto everyone else's situations.

I think it’s a case of both points of view being right, but finding the best way to deal with it. It does seem strange, that the OP hasn’t met her grandson yet. When I had our children, everyone was invited to see them directly they were born, and then we battened down the hatches for a few weeks so we could adjust. There’s nothing wrong with saying Happygran, ‘We appreciate you may not be ready to see us yet, but would love to see you when you are’, because there’s always the chance they may think you’re actually not bothered. After that though, you really have to wait. Like I said before, you don’t want to risk alienating yourselves for good.

Its helpful to base opinion on facts, I find, rather than on our own personal bias.

Experiences are facts but I haven't achieved anything but to get drawn into the arguing myself which I dont want. Was just tired of seeing it, I'll find something else to read x

Yes, my experiences are facts, but they don't pertain to this situation, they pertain to mine, so I think i'll join you and read something else too.

I'm not sure that pointing out the unhelpfulness/irrelevance of a post is arguing! More supporting the OP to focus on relevant constructive advice/criticism and ignore the rrelevant / not constructive stuff!!

Not everybody is happy sharing their personal medical information to other people

I always wanted to show off all my babies, I don’t get why you wouldn’t.

I didn't. I had crippling postnatal depression and anxiety set in at the hospital. I did show her off, I had no choice, no voice because someone always knew better than me and it was detrimental to my mental health. It's not always Black and White.

All of our individual experiences are very much our own facts. They may not be the same experiences and facts as the woman on the 49 omnibus, but they are still relevant because that's what has happened to us as individuals. We can only offer advice based on those experiences and most of us do; in good faith and with good intentions.

What is not helpful is when someone offers their experiences/facts as the only way to address a problem because their advice is sacrosanct and must be followed and you would be fool hardy to ignore them. This is usually delivered under the guise of the adviser being "qualified" to deliver their diktat and it's nearly always the same format and instructions, rarely allowing for different circumstances or situations to their own.

Best they're ignored.

The passing of time is also subjective.
I remember my first 4 weeks with my kids felt like 2 or less. It is a blur, honestly.

While if you are waiting for something, a day seems to have 36 hours.

March

I get that, and obviously not everyone’s experience is the same, but would it kill her son to pop around and explain.

I agree with you Chewbacca.Advice being given because of your own Circumstances can be helpful, but everyone's life is different. AGNURSE seems to dispense it only from her POV. Worse still it is delivered like it is gospel and can be harmful if said to the wrong person. I think AG should reflect on that.

Hi there. I’m generally just a lurker looking to get insight and see my own mother/MIL situation from the other side but I finally felt compelled to make an account to chime in here.

I understand how you may feel hurt in this situation. If I had to put my feet in your shoes, I get it. However, there’s a huge difference between the way this generation’s mother’s work and the way previous generation’s mothers work. Moms now are putting themselves & their recovery + mental health first. I think it’s wonderful because mom’s typically get tossed to the side when there’s a new baby around. And that’s not very nice. I know that’s what happened to me when I had my child and I still hold a lot of resentment toward my MIL about it.

We obviously don’t know your background with your DIL but you have said some not very nice things here. Example- telling your son to “grab his balls” when all he is doing is what’s best for his family? That’s really harsh. And I would also bet that if you said that to him, your DIL also knows about it and isn’t feeling super gracious toward you right now.

You also don’t know what’s happening there aside from the issues breastfeeding. Postpartum anxiety is a very common problem, I know I had it. Specifically around my in laws (although we had a rough relationship prior to baby). If she’s having trouble breastfeeding, I can almost guarantee she has some anxiety as well. It’s also not your place to ask about depression or anxiety, that’s majorly overstepping and I imagine that would backfire on you. (Another poster suggested asking, that’s why I mention it).

It is incredibly common to have no visitors for the first 4 weeks or so. I personally did not adhere to this, but I see it in many of the mom groups I’m in. It’s a new thing, to establish feeding and bonding. I will also add, as respectfully as I can, you don’t need to bond with the baby. For probably at least the first year, that’s mainly mom and dads job. The baby isn’t going to remember you from coming over to cuddle for 15 minutes. That’s not how a bond is established. Baby truly only wants mom at this point. You’ll get your turn, I promise.

My best advice to you is to wait until you’re invited. Do not pry about personal medical issues. Don’t even ask. Perhaps have groceries sent over, some snacks (BFing moms are HUNGRY), or a meal from a local place. When you do go over, please please don’t snatch the baby from mom in excitement. I only add this because this happened to me and 10 months later, I’m still angry. Postpartum is a rough time. I realize you’ve gone through it with your children, but it’s been awhile. In time, we forget how grueling it can be. Give her time and space, as much as she needs.

poor ag, she is receiving a bashing.

MarchMom19, if you think babies mainly really only need a bond with mum and dad for the first year does it not occur to you that grandparents and other extended family members may never feel that closeness to the child that they would have if allowed to cuddle them and be involved in seeing how much they change and grow in the first year of their life? Letting your baby have other people in it’s life who truly love him or her is one of the most precious gifts you can give them. I wish I had been given more family to love me growing up.

Marchmom this is a genuine question because it’s a lng time since I dealt with anything to do with babies, but when it’s no visitors for a month or more, does the mum stay at home for a month? Or is going out to meet people not the same as them coming to see you?

I know I would have been stir crazy?

Greymar poor ag, she is receiving a bashing.

I think that is unfortunate but I also think that posters who respond with non meaningful reference points to the OPs situation or facts given, need to reflect. I think the negative comments on this thread probably link to the frustration that some posters are feeling about repetitive, irrelevant, unkind or thoughtless posts across a number of recent threads. Plus when responded to, those responses being ignored and more repetitive etc statements being made

There is no desire to bash anyone but a desire to be honest about the experience of posters over time, and to support the OP with relevant advice!