Still not met three week old grandson.

And grandfathers do feel it too ... they just don't voice it like mothers do.

I agree with you eazybee it is the son to blame . It’s his baby too and surely he has the right to say he wants his parents to see their grandchild . Perhaps there is more to it all than we know but as it reads it seems so cruel and thoughtless, allowing her mum, sister and whoever (of her choice) to visit almost open ending and not even allowing the fathers parents a tiny peep .

The typical daughter inlaw selfishness, it's all about her family. Why do these types think they have the right to exclude half of their child's family, their husbands are expected to defer entirely to her to the total exclusion of his birth family?
I hope you remember her selfishness when they need babysitting etc., make sure you're too busy.
Before the outrage starts, I speak as the mother of daughters and I would have hated them to be so selfish.

Keep checking in to see if Happygran has met her new
Grandbaby yet.
I hope that she lets us know.

I have had a chat with my son and it seems that my DIL is literally expressing all day long as baby will not bf from her and she doesn’t want him to have formula.
I’m not sure why that prevents us from popping in for half an hour but am saying nothing!
For the record I actually get on really well with the other granny, we are all good friends but I don’t feel comfortable talking about our children behind their backs.
Hopefully I will be able to report that I have met him soon. Xx

You’re doing the right thing . Breastfeeding is obviously very important to her and she’s right to pursue that as she sees fit. I’m sure you won’t but please don’t make any comments about it to her or your son, even out of(misplaced) concern as that will come across as criticism

I admire your patience Happygran and still can’t understand why you are being prevented from visiting your precious grandchild for even a few minutes .

Thanks everyone.
I will just have to bide my time! X

I can remember when a friend wanted to visit on the one afternoon I was expressing, as I was teaching in the evening, and she did come over but I could not do it in front of her so maybe it's something like that?
Why would she be expressing milk all day though? She sounds as if she could do with talking to a La Leche League counsellor.
www.laleche.org.uk/

Anyway you are going to see the baby, not especially her. Take milk stout and anything to help and encourage her.

This is a sad situation you must have the patience of a saint but DIL is unfortunately holding all the cards at the moment

Maybe I'm wrong here, but while breastfeeding is obviously the best option, in cases where it's not working out and causing distress dury a new mother shouldn't feel forced to continue.

I do think there's some almost evangelical pressure on mothers today to breastfeed regardless of circumstances.

I’m glad your son gave you a reason happygran, and that you don’t want to go to the other grandmother.

DIL sounds like she’s really struggling right now. I hope things get better soon so you can visit

Where does it say she feels forced to continue?

Given the very low rates of breastfeeding in the UK I would say good on her and any other woman who chooses to feed their baby in this way and I hope she gets all the support she needs from health professionals and her family.

Yes, demand a visit! That will immediately endear you to your DIL, make your son proud of his mom, and guarantee lots of regular access to your grandchild ???????

She can no longer breastfeed sadly as little man can’t or won’t latch on (he’s been treated for tongue tie) but isn’t interested. I guess she’s doing what she thinks is best by expressing as much as she can?

EMMF1948 we know very little about DIL and nothing of her family so I think your robust condemnation of them is unfair. What we do know is that the Mum of this young baby is struggling. It is not for us to fantasise about what might be wrong or suggest solutions that may or may not help.

From both a professional and personal viewpoint, my sense is that there is a back story here. The link to LLL that a previous poster included is a great idea, they are a fantastic support network. BUT given the scenario of expressing 'all day' and then giving EBM by bottle there should have been time in the last 3+ weeks for the paternal grandparents to see their baby grandson. In my working life, I visited thousands of new families and this dynamic is NOT normal unless there is a problem in this relationship.

Happygran1964 I think that son of yours owes you an honest explanation of what is going on, he is being economical with the truth. You have been incredibly patient: do continue to offer practical and moral support where you can and do let us know when you finally get to meet that lovely little grandson

Firstly she can absolutely still breastfeed, 3 weeks is but a blip and many many babies are able to go to the breast after weeks if not longer if mom has been expressing and has a full supply. No need to count her out yet. Exclusive pumping is Herculean, and therefore time consuming. She has limited time to enjoy her new baby, and thus I can’t imagine that she’s being more protective of her few moments where she’s not attached to a pump and simply gets to enjoy her new baby. As for the poster suggesting that her son insist that she be allowed to visit- well, what sort of mother/grandmother wants to cause a fight between new parents??? I am horrified that there are so many folks so casually insisting that her son carry the banner for her over the objections of his wife. For this DIls reasons, she doesn’t want visitors outside of her own flesh and blood. It’s not an unreasonable request. Op be proud your son is being a good husband and father first. That’s the whole point of raising sons. Don’t ask him to do something that would undermine the foundation of the family that is raising your grandchild. And I assure you, any push in that direction or placing pressure on your son does exactly that. Don’t guilt him. Don’t badger him. He KNOWS you want to see the baby. You will, eventually. But is it better to see baby at 6 weeks, when it works for everyone and DIL is happy to see you? Or force it at 4 weeks and have DIL angry and resentful? The behavior of my MIL during my postpartum changed my opinion of her so dramatically that it would have been a battle for her (had she cared) to ever regain my trust or respect.

It sounds to me like her cortisol levels are high, and this may be why the baby can’t relax and feed. Nobody should have to express all day, that’s ridiculous. I imagine that, although she doesn’t actually have visitors, apart from her mother and sister, she’s in a state of anxiety waiting for the gates to open to allow the audiences in!! It does seem unfair, and a long time to wait, but wait you have to. However long it takes, with no pressure. You DON’T NEED TO BOND. You did that with your own children. The relationship between grandchildren and grandparents is totally different, and can be taken up anytime. If you disagree with this, there’s still nothing you can do. Wait for the call, and embrace it when it comes.

Congratulations happy gran I must admit it seems a long time to wait to see your grandchild surely your son as rights as to who sees the baby hope you get invited soon ?

@OutsideDave I couldn’t have said it any better. The grandmothers here demanding a visit and suggesting bringing the law into it (LOL at that by the way) are going to be th grannies who get the least interaction with their grandchildren. Something is going on behind the scenes there, something we know nothing about. And clearly something they don’t wish to share with OP. The son doesn’t owe his mother any sort of detailed explanation about his family. In fact, I would give the son a high five for putting his wife and child’s needs first in this situation. Clearly DIL needs time. Son is providing that to her, as he should. A forced visit is going to get you resentment from DIL. I would know because this happened to me. It sounds like Dave and I had a somewhat similar postpartum MIL experience. My relationship with my MIL is forever changed because of her selfishness in those first days after birth. You don’t want that to be you

Yes, demand a visit! That will immediately endear you to your DIL, make your son proud of his mom, and guarantee lots of regular access to your grandchild ?

The OP did not ever suggest she was going to do that! Nothing she has said has suggested she was considering this!!

Other posters did, somewhat unwisely in my view and yours!!

Just an observation on my part, maybe if DIL stopped expressing ALL day, got out once in a while she would be a bit more relaxed?? I fail to see why she needs to express all day, baby isn't fed all day and providing there's enough for the next feed she will have some breathing space and a bit of time for herself. This might all have said before in this thread but I haven't read every response, so excuse me if I have repeated anyone else's comments.

This sounds very much to me like "first new baby syndrome" . Yes, it's difficult getting used to a new baby but family do want to meet the new arrival. Every eventuality is easily met with a little flexibility.

Your poor DIL! She must be knackered and a bit dispirited by it all. I expressed for 11 months with my first as she has cerebral palsy and an unsafe swallow, it’s hard, particularly in the early days and she wasn’t second so I’d at least had experience of BF and expressing before.
I still think 3 weeks is along time and they really could see you but I think you are right to cut her slack. She is being unreasonable but there are massive extenuating circumstances.
You are doing the right thing by being patient. I just hope you don’t have to be for much longer!

Sorry - “she WAS my second“ - bloody fat fingers.

My pal has just become a Gran for the first time. The baby is in Canada and they won't be able to meet until she is 6 months old at least.
My pal's a wee bit sad but is knitting furiously and seeing photos and videos.