Still not met three week old grandson.

"maybe if DIL stopped expressing ALL day, got out once in a while she would be a bit more relaxed??"
I recommend to educate yourself on this subject. It is not that easy.

Pumping involves a very regular schedule that mimics the child's feeding schedule. The risks of not following it could have severe health risks for the mother

Some mothers have difficulty pumping - it's not always that simple, as Hithere pointed out. Not to mention that babies need to be fed on demand. We don't know how much the baby is actually sleeping and how much extra time DIL actually has on her hands. I rather doubt she is just sitting at home plotting ways to keep her MIL out of their life. She's likely just trying to survive and adjust to being a new mum.

I too keep popping back to see if there’s been the green light for a peep at your grandchild yet Happygran. I hope it happens very soon. I think you are very kind not to show your hurt, especially as you live but 5 minutes away and could have a super short visit.

I think it’s a strange situation but it is what it is. x

Hope you get the outcome you want very soon. You too have been amazing patient and not saying nasty things about your DIL.

Please update us on here Happygran when you do eventually get to see the little chap.

I really feel for you as most on here do, but once you see him all this waiting will be forgotten.

I hope it’s soon for you!

What a lovely post, JenniferEccles , especially after all the unkindness that has sadly appeared on this thread .
Happygran, please let us know when you are a super-happy gran !

pbs.twimg.com/media/EN9_0PCXUAApNWf?format=jpg&name=small

In case folks have forgotten what the schedule looks like with a newborn...

What utter nonsense OutsideDave. By that rationale, no one would get to see a new baby till month 3/4 as there is no free time. We have all been there but its about the way we look at things.

. Most young mums have that schedule but still manage to introduce the baby to grandparents living nearby within days of their arrival.

I know that things have changed since we (grandmothers) had our babies, but one would think that, if anything, things should be easier for new mums now. Considering all the modern technology that they have, such as breast pumps, steamer/sterilizers, baby monitors linked to their mobile phones, baby seats that rock the baby, sound machines to hush the baby. I'm just wondering why, from what's been said by many of the newer generation of mums, things seem to be more difficult for them than I remember ...? That is a genuine question, I'm not criticizing, I'm honestly intrigued, and I do wonder whether they sometimes make life more difficult for themselves than need be.

Nansnet

I agree, again it’s not a criticism, I just don’t see why everything is so intense for some new parents.

I can’t help but wonder how on earth child number one fits into the schedule when baby number two comes along.

This is just an observation, but young parents seem to cope a lot better than older parents, the young ones just seem to get on with things.

Really feel for you Happygran. I have in the past year heard of the new 'no visits for the first two weeks'. Apparently this is so the baby only knows/bonds with the parents. My friend was told this by her son on the birth of their second child. They did relent after the first week. I do not know where all these new instructions come from IMO. You say you have been told no visitors, I assume your son told you. I would ask him if you could call for say half an hour to meet your new grandchild. You are not being unreasonable, they are. If the answer is no, then just say 'please let me know when I can visit'. I find it hard to believe it won't be long now before you can visit. Just know you are not alone by any means in your situation.

Shall we try not to generalise and stereotype based on ages and generations? It’s not helpful.

Some mums in generations past found it hard, others less so. So women had their parents living nearby who could drop in for a short while and help as needed, others didn’t and their mum came to stay for days and took over. Some women were happy with this as they got on well with their mum, others were overwhelmed by a mum who dominated the proceedings. Many new young mums cope really well, many new older mums cope really well, and many of in between ages cope well - and the vast, vast majority of new mums do a bloody good job of raising a new baby, making mistakes along the way as a mum in the same way they will continue to make mistakes as a mum of older children and adults.

I was answering the OP. I offered advice and showed empathy for her situation. I thought that was the purpose of GN. To give the OP 'hope'. Where would any of us be without that?

I think the main difference is that now there is unlimited and sometimes confusing information/advice/‘rules’ available at a click on the internet. When I had my first baby, we relied on advice from mum ( sometimes!) , good friends who were in the same situation, and one or two books . My mum was the other side of the world so it was a case of just doing my best and using common sense . There wasn’t so much pressure on doing things the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way . Or feeling the pressure to put perfect mum and baby photos are n social media . So in many ways it Was easier for us .

Sorry , typo . ‘on social media ,’I meant.

Thank you for your kind comment curvygran ?

Sorry love I wasn’t replying to your post, I think ours crossed

It’s quite ironic that social media is being bought into it - because here we all are, discussing a new mum we don’t know and giving the OP (who we also don’t know) advice on social media! It’s the way of the world now - a lot of different voices telling us different things.

Sirchenjin

I’m not meaning to generalise, I know not all older mothers find things more difficult, but from the families within my own experience, the younger ones just seem to get on with it,while the older ones seem to overthink things.

I agree that most people do a good job, but it’s such a precious time, and it’s sad if you can’t enjoy it, and dare I say, share it.

Strange...I have a six month old and baby sees my in-laws minimum 3 times per week for about an hour each time. They live a 3 minute walk away.

Other weeks, my husband goes over twice to their house for 20 minutes while I eat lunch and then Saturday we'll be at their house for a couple hours for lunch.

I was, however, quite resentful of feeling like I owed them visits. There was a period in which they were seeing the baby 5 times per week and it felt like it was never enough. My husband's mother would guilt trip us "I haven't seen you in two days" or "finally I get to see you" or "I didn't see the baby yesterday".. it was annoying me that I felt like I was spending my maternity leave arranging visits for them. They were too pushy and have since backed off as I've been a lot more assertive. Read my loong threads on "MIL drops by unannounced". I have two threads.

Do NOT go there without calling or be too pushy. But three weeks is far too long to not see the baby.

What was your relationship like before baby came??? Mine was stellar! It's only after having baby that I ran into problems.

Will you be a caregiver to this baby? You can hopefully offer childcare further along and be more involved.

I suggest cooking something delicious and asking if you can bring it over.

They don't realize they are hurting you, trust me! Unless you had a bad relationship before, DIL is not doing this on purpose.

I would just text her something like "Hi (name), I hope you are feeling better. I know this is an exhausting time. We're here for you when you need us. I've made (dish) because I know you like it. Let me know when we can drop by for a quick visit to drop it off."

Or don't cook anything and just ask when you can drop by to see THEM, not the baby.

When you do get access and take care of the kid, I recommend getting a few "ground rules" to know some of DILs and son's preferences. This can squash tension because what DIL can say to her mom "stop that, mom!", she can't say freely to you.

Sara that might be true in your experience but there’s nothing to suggest that older mums ‘overthink’ things while the youngest ones just get on with it, and imo it’s not helpful to generalise and denigrate on the basis on age as it could be quite hurtful for older mums or grans of first time older mums reading this (I presume you mean first time mums as opposed to women like me who had their third child at 38?).

I had my third child at 36, One in my twenties, one at nineteen. My two daughters have similar age gaps.

It is only my experience, but I definitely see that it’s harder for older first mums, probably because they’ve got such high expectations,

I’m not a health professional, so I’m not speaking from a professional position. But I know a lot of people who have had babies.

I know a lot of people who have had babies too both amongst my peers and my children’s peers, some of whom started producing in their teens. My elder 2 DC are 20 and 22 and the ones who have had their babies earlier don’t differ from us older ones - everyone is different, everyone faces their own challenges, everyone does the best they can.

When I met my partner almost 18 years ago, I forever heard stories about his brothers partner not being welcoming to them when they had their child, and in fact stopped talking to my in-laws for 6 months after the birth because mil had the nerve to ask to hold her gc!!!
This meant that when we were expecting ours, I told my mother the story and told my in-laws they were welcome at the hospital as soon as baby was born.
When they arrived my mother was holding the baby, but immediately handed her to my mil.
We also used mil's name as our daughter's middle name just to make her feel even more included.
It's so sad when in-laws don't get on with their dil.
I do hope she sees sense soon @happygran1964 as baby is missing out on so much love.

This could be another thread and not particualerly helpful but from my own experience. I was a young mum and an older mum. I would say I was treated differently by other people.
As a 20 yr old, everyone thought they could give me advice and I listened to some of it. By the time I was nearly 40 and having #4, I knew my own mind but even when I wanted help - and my sicky, sleepless baby was something new to me! - not even the health visitor offered advice. They assumed I could manage. I suffered from constant backache and mastitis for the first time and I was tired easily.