Still not met three week old grandson.

Mimidl, your kindness and thoughtfulness towards your mil was beautiful. I hope you have gone on to have a good relationship with her. You sound like a wonderful daughter in law.

I don't care what anyone else had said, I think its awful that you haven't seen the baby yet. Its your grandchild as much as the DiLs parents. Its so exciting having a new baby in the family. What a shame. You must be so disappointed. You could have been invited even for a quick half hour the first week.
I think I would tell my son how disappointed I am.

Mimidl

You sound like a lovely family

Grammaretto

Similar experience, when I had baby no1 I was sometimes treated as if I was a bit halfwitted.

My last at 36, I was in hospital for about a week, but the nurses never bothered me apart from stopping by for a chat, I said I was going to bottle feed, and no one tried to dissuade me. Completely different experiences.

has said.

I didn’t have different experiences thankfully - lots of support and advice with all three of them. I wasn’t sure if I was going to manage to continue to breastfeed the third but an absolutely brilliant community midwife sat with me for ages and helped me get reacquainted with it. Positive experiences each time.

That’s the actual schedule, as recorded by a professional data scientist. There’s nothing in there about meeting anyone. It just shows how ones time is organized. Unless you pumped or nursed, you can’t have any context for what that schedule looks like, and I am guessing after many of these responses very few PP breastfed or expressed milk past the first few weeks...

I had my first at 27. I had a vaginal delivery, which my mom did not, and I breastfed, which my mom didn’t either. So she didn’t have much in the way of advice. Same for sleep training (her twin wisdom didnt translate as well for a singleton) and just about everything else. Fortunately, I was fairly self assured and knew what my baby needed and what I needed to be able to meet those needs. Despite certain folks attempts to undermine my confidence ahemMILahem I had a fairly easy go the first time, and I’ve honestly attributed it to not really caring how anyone else thought about what I was doing beyond my baby, and my spouse. Perhaps that’s what’s working best for this DIL.

I breastfed both mine for over a year! I also pumped milk regularly as I had to leave first baby for follow up painful appointments for a very difficult birth with resulting problems. I won't bother with further detail!

My only reason for saying all that above is because I think the assumption that because people think not allowing grandparents who live close by to see their new grandchild for 3 weeks is wrong is because they haven't breastfed/pumped/ whatever is a valid assumption!

I accept there may be things we dont know, there may be more going on. I agree that mum and baby are the priority. I agree that this is a precious time for a new little family etc etc. But I dont agree that on the basis of what we know, there is any reason why it is so impossible for new grandparents to meet new grandchild for half an hour!! New parenthood does not and should not remove any empathy or understanding for others, from people's brains however much one is suffering/recovering/struggling with a new born!!!! And I speak from experience!

OutsideDave
Unless you pumped or nursed, you can’t have any context for what that schedule looks like, and I am guessing after many of these responses very few PP breastfed or expressed milk past the first few weeks...

What a sweeping generalisation and incorrect if you have followed this thread. All of my children were breastfed, all of my grandchildren were / are breastfed and in my professional life I have supported and guided many thousands of breastfeeding and bottlefeeding mothers. If you go back to your chart you will see that in the first two months the only activities they have included are sleep/feeding or pumping/ caring for baby. No meal preparation, going outside the house, free time, self care. Suddenly at month 3, back to work! Do you truly think that is any kind of representation of what it is like to be a new Mum?

That schedule posted by OutsideDave - pbs.twimg.com/media/EN9_0PCXUAApNWf?format=jpg&name=small
may have been recorded by data scientist but is totally ridiculous! Looking at it properly, it would suggest that from month 2, mother is sleeping from 10 pm to 6 am, without being woken to feed baby. There are a small number of babies who will start sleeping through the night by about 6 weeks (mostly bottle fed), but my recent experience of breastfed grandchildren is that they will continue to wake in night for many months.

If that part of schedule is wrong, I wouldn't believe the rest.

Many posters (including me) breastfed for up to a year or more and have recent experience of grandchildren who were breastfed for much longer than a few weeks. Despite the feeding, and in some cases pumping, there was time for both sets of grandparents to meet the baby within a few days of birth.

I sympathise with Happygran and hope you'll get to meet your grandson soon.

As someone else that struggled with breastfeeding I can fully understand her struggles - in my case, I would have given up without the support I got from the midwives.
I'm sure there must be a way of you seeing the bub, if only over the mobile phone or maybe if you don't have one, your son could film him and bring it round to show you?
What's all this about not being able to bond? Sorry, but you are not the bub's parent. However long it takes, you will still love him - how do you think grandparents that are more than a few minutes away get on ? Why is it that just because , at this point your son is rightly going along with his wife's wishes that she is controlling - just because you are not getting what you want ?
Give the poor girl a break and stop thinking about what you want - she needs to feel that you are supporting her, not against her - do you know if she has tried nipple shields? They were my saving grace!

Farmor15

Exactly so. Its utter nonsense.

I’m curious about the schedule - can you provide more context Outside? What sample size is it based on, for example? Were the measurements validated? What are the comparisons? It seems a bit arbitrary (and yes, I breastfed all of mine for nearly a year)

Jaylucy that's a bit harsh. The other GPs have visited. So bonding may not be a problem but OP just wants to get acquainted with her gc.

Incidentally my DiL didn't let me see my gd after she was 3 mths for about 5 years. I managed with a lot of courage to sort out the disagreement and wwe talk now but sadly it created a distance that cannot be fixed. My gd and I will never be close.

Jaylucy yup had all the breastfeeding struggles! But I seriously fail to see why that means that GPs living so close cant meet their grandchild! (On the information.ation that we have been given) Ofcourse, as I said in my previous post there may be stuff going on we don't know!

According to google the chart posted by OutsideDave was drawn up by someone called Caitlin Hudson to illustrate her own early weeks of motherhood. I don’t see how they’re necessarily relevant to anyone else’s situation. Particularly as in order to get a full night’s sleep as a breastfeeding mum, she must surely have had a night nurse!

Perhaps we should remember that this thread isn't about the DIL's feeding struggles but about Happygran's sadness at never having seen or cuddled her new grandson who is now nearly 4 weeks old when DIL's family have lots of contact. Of course it feels unfair.

Happygran, do come back and let us know how you are

Yes, thus thread is about an adult woman who is sad she hasn't met her gc in person yet.

However, there are people on the other side of the equation that should be taken into account too.

There has to be more to the story when no visit happened yet.

If I were dil and I was struggling that much, I would not like the expectations of the visit for an hour for cuddles. It would be too much for me.

Maybe if ils asked what worked for the new family - drop in for 5 min to see baby and leave- I would be on board.

More info about how relationship was before marriage and baby would be very helpful.

I suppose this is why the advice is always not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) when dealing within demanding Mother in laws.....no rationale can ever be good enough. No one is entitled to meet this baby on anyone’s timeframe but it’s parents. There is no such thing as fair. And the last thing a new postpartum family should be expected to worry about is granny’s feelings and need for a cuddle.

Maggiemaybe - thanks for confirming that and yes, not relevant to anyone else.

No, you’re right - no-one is ‘entitled’ to meet a new DGC at theee weeks, but sometimes it’s good to put entitlement to one side for half an hour and do something that’s just nice for family members who are going to be key people in your child’s life (providing they are people that you and/or your DH/P love and care for).

I think you’ve just summed up the issue in one sentence, SirChenjin.

So you say nobody is entitled but give in anyway - aka let them be entitled?

How does it make sense?

Yes, you can dig in your heels and say ‘I’m not moving on this one’ or you can choose to do something that’s important to your parents for 30minutes. It’s entirely up to you

ask him in a text...when am I going to met him?

Thanks for the reply! I like this discussion.

I don't see it as digging my heels

I call it standing up for myself.

What makes me think that I give in once, there won't be more entitled requests? Where does it end?